feeling a bit down

Sorry for not posting in a while, but I've been really busy lately. This weekend I had a rugby tourney so i wasn't able to blog.

For those of you who are interested I now have MSN. My username is jordan.outloud@gmail.com [same as my email]
Hit me up if you feel like it.


In some ways this weekend was fun: my team went 3-1, I scored two trys and several conversions, I got to hang out with friends, and got to party a little.

In other ways this weekend was really tough and has worsened my anxieties.

It made me realize/remember several things I'd prefer not to deal with.

1. I am not over Aaron

I hung out with Aaron a lot this weekend, and a lot of other teammates. We had a blast goofing off, talking, and chilling. We just did stupid shit like we always do.
The thing about Aaron, as I have said before, is that I think he is borderline gay (or at least that's how I interpret his actions). He gets really physical at times and cuddles/grabs/plays with me [we never kiss or make out or anything, a lot of it is more like wrestling]. I enjoy the physical affection, but it can be kind of confusing. It makes me feel really intimate with him (emotionally and physical) and often serves to lead me on and make me want something more with him. But I know that friendship is all that he wants with me. So all our play leaves me disappointed and wanting more affection.

Being with him for a good chunk of time reminded me of how much I actually like him. Not just physically but also emotionally. I really like talking to him, caring for him, and living life with him. I will probably always care for him and I don't know why. He will probably always be able to brighten my day with his smile. I don't know why but when he smiles I feel happy too; it's like my brain knows to release endorphins when he is happy.

But, I have already accepted that he is not gay. He has a gf and I wouldn't be surprised if they married. He gets really happy around her [much like I do around him] and they hang out a lot, even this weekend when she wasn't around they talked a lot on the phone. I'm glad that he can find happiness in her, but I am left wanting.

Even though Aaron isn't gay I still highly value his friendship, he means a lot to me. But I feel I can't fully be myself around him, mostly because I'm in the closet.

Which brings me to

2. I am scared of coming out

I really want to come out because I think if I do I'll be less depressed and I'll find more meaning in my friendships.

But being around my friends again reminded me how scared I am to loose them. Aaron said to me in a sort of joking way this weekend that I should be his best man if we're both still around and friends when if he gets married, I said I would. That got me thinking... Would he be my friend if I came out? Would he want me as a best man? What about my other friends? These questions burn in the back of my mind at all times around my friends.

The crappy part of it is that I cannot stay in the closet much longer. I need to get out or I will suffocate. So that means after college I'm gonna have to come out and start living as a gay man, which may mean me having a bf. Can I be friends with Aaron and all my other buds if I come out and have a bf? My relationships with my friends here could be severely temporarily limited. That sucks! I don't want to loose these friends, I love them.

on an unrelated note:

3. I have exceptionally low self-esteem

no matter how good I do at anything I will probably get down on myself. Some people say I am pretty good at certain things (athletics, school, music ect.), and I probably am good at these things, but I don't feel it a lot of the time. As tough and athletic as I may seem I am a sensitive and caring guy who needs a lot of encouragement. If the people around me whom I love don't affirm me I start to feel pretty down about myself, no matter how talented I may be. Like this weekend I played pretty good in our games, but I still felt shitty about my playing because I didn't get enough encouragement from certain people I respect. A normal person would have felt fine about their performance, but I felt pretty shitty. Even in my academics, I'll write pretty decent papers, but if a prof. has one or two things to say against my paper I'll get down (even if I get As).

Maybe I'm a perfectionist or maybe I'm not cut out for a tough, heartless, and 'manly' world which refuses to compliment others and show affection. Either way I feel pretty shitty about myself.

So yeah, all that added together makes for a frustrated and saddened Jordan.
I'm sure I'll get over this rut by tomorrow or the next day, but the underlying problems I won't escape unless I deal with them... And i don't want to deal with them, I just want them to solve themselves.
Deep down I'm hurting from feelings that I am unloved, not good enough, not socially acceptable, different ect. And in order to resolve these problems I feel that i have to take external steps which I do not have the strength to take right now.

maybe there's an easier way??? I dunno. Any advice on how to be a gay person/how to come out/how to love yourself would be appreciated.

Thanks for all of you who have commented on my posts, I am thankful for your advice and sharing.

Jordo

ps sorry for this horribly long and disorganized post

The Meltdown

In my post When I realized… I detailed the development of my sexuality up to the point I realized I was gay. That was two years ago. So I’d thought I’d write a post about where I am right now and how I’ve gotten here. I started writing this post, but then realized that it was going to be way too long and so I split it into two posts. The first one is All About Aaron talks about how I fell for another straight guy during my junior year… ugh! This one deals predominantly with some of the depression I’ve faced this year (my senior year) as a result of being in the closet. I suggest you read All About Aaron first if you want to fully understand this post, but if you value expediency over detail then this post will make sense on its own. This post may be another long one, but after it my posts should shorten up significantly… maybe…
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To kick things off… in a comment Kiwi asked how I coped with the realization that I was gay.

I should first note that although I have been raised in a homophobic environment and I go to a Christian University I haven’t ever really felt guilty about being gay. Once I realized it I just knew it wasn’t wrong. Why? Because I knew it was a big part of me—not a part of me that I chose, but a part of me which has always been there. I saw my homosexuality as an intrinsically good thing. I somehow understood that God had made me gay, perhaps even for a reason, and that he loved me as the gay person I am.

At first it was an exciting time in my life. Internally recognizing my homosexuality helped me understand myself a whole lot better: it explained my depression for the last year or so regarding Luke, it helped me understand the motivation behind a lot of my actions, and it helped me see what I wanted out of life. It was exciting because a realm of possibility opened up. I realized it was possible for me to live life as a gay guy: I could go for Kyle, I could find another guy, I could finally learn to live as myself.

Unfortunately it wasn’t long until the weight of reality crushed my newfound excitement. Once the euphoria of my epiphany wore off I woke up to the fact that I was stuck in a Christian society which would not be so enthusiastic about the contents of my self-discovery. No one knew I was gay, but if they found out who knows what hell would break loose! So I did what any respectable Christian would do, I went underground.

I thought that I could put aside my homosexuality until I got of university and then I’d magically start living the open gay life I dreamed about—I turned out to be very wrong.

A couple things happened. Firstly, I fell for another straight guy [Aaron], ugghh! Secondly, I became friends with a group of people and started to legitimately care for them. Problem is that both the straight guy I fell for, Aaron, and my friends are all very homophobic. Fuck! At first it wasn’t a big deal. I was kind of like, “whatevs, these friendships are just temporary.” But when I realized that these people actually mattered to me and that if I were to come out to them my life would be taken down the shitter, that’s when I started to meltdown.

I didn’t really meltdown until the beginning of my senior year. However, the feelings of isolation and meaninglessness which resulted in my meltdown started accumulating at the beginning of my junior year. I started asking questions like: ‘would my friends accept me if they figured out I’m gay’, ‘what would I say to Aaron’, ‘would I loose my family’s support’, ect. At first these questions were easily put aside—I could focus on my newer friendships, just relax and have fun. But my fears only intensified as I grew closer to those around me. The closer I grew to them the more I realized just how much I could loose. On top of that I felt that all my relationships were disingenuous because my friends didn’t know the real me [I’ve talked about that enough in previous posts]. The meaning, security, and depth of relationship I desired drifted further and further out of my reach

Near the middle of last semester my thoughts and fears reached a critical point and I melted down. I was like a pot of water which was simmering for a long time and had finally boiled over. For a week I was incapacitated by depression. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t do homework, couldn't hang out with friends, couldn’t eat, couldn’t workout (and I usually love that), couldn’t fall asleep, couldn’t get up... It was pretty bad. I'd lost all hope. I’ve been depressed before, but never that bad.

I almost exploded and came out to everyone; perhaps things would’ve been better if I had. Instead I called up two trusted friends, both older than me, and came out to them. They were both people I know who would be accepting and have good advice for me. They managed to calm me down sufficiently and give me some hope. After those conversations I decided not to come out. I was too mentally unstable and don’t know if I could have handled the potential rejection. I didn’t want to come out and just bleed all over everyone only to be rejected. It was good to have some older and wiser people talk me through my problems—I don’t talk to them much, but I am forever in grateful for their compassion.

So I didn’t come out and eventually my depression lessened in degree, but I don’t think I ever really recovered from that meltdown. For one I’m still tired all the time and have one hell of a hard time concentrating on everything, I still feel lonely and isolated, and I still can’t find enduring meaning in many of my relationships here [I am out to a couple more people, but I’ll talk about them latter]. If anything I’ve emotionally withdrawn from a lot of my friendships, which saddens me. Even with Aaron I’ve emotionally shut down a part of myself so I don’t feel as much around him—it’s like I’m anesthetizing my feelings so I don’t feel the impending pain of rejection. So I guess lately things have just felt dull and dreary. Nothing exciting, nothing that I care about too much… it’s a really sad spot to be in.

Right now I’m just working on getting through the school year.


More than anything I want acceptance. I wish I could wake up one day and everyone would have magically found out (or always knew) I was gay and that they we’re all cool with it. If I’d meet some boy I could talk to my friends about it and they’d encourage me on, when guys are checking out chicks I wouldn’t have to pretend to be interested, when I fall in love my friends and family would actually be happy for me, when I have fun with my friends or family or begin to care for them I wouldn’t have to worry about loosing them due to my secrets, ect. If I could stop hiding my life would feel full, meaningful and secure. All in all I would be loved for who I am and I would love people out of that self. I just wish the world could be more like that—it’s my dream... not just for me by the way, but for all of us gays. Hopefully one day we won’t have to hide anymore and we won’t have to be scared of being rejected or harmed. Hopefully one day the world will truly learn to love us for who we are.

Unfortunately we’re still a ways off. Maybe someday...

Your Friend,

Jordo

All About Aaron

This is the story of how I fell for Aaron…

I met Aaron through rugby and at first kind of thought he was a tool: albeit a good looking blue-eyed blond-haired tool, but a tool nevertheless. I met him around the same time I met Kyle. We definitely didn’t hit it off right away. He seemed like a shallow arrogant sort of bastard to me, so I didn’t really engage him at all.

But during the next year (junior year), we started to become friends. We played rugby together (he was a center and I was a fullback), so we had that as our common ground. I started to realized that though Aaron may be a little shallow he also posses some other good (aka attractive) qualities. He is witty, cute, playful, and loyal, all these qualities I highly value.

Although I started to see him as a good friend and valuable person I still wasn’t into him in a romantic way. He had just gotten out of a relationship with a girl and I wanted to respect his straightness. In fact I wouldn’t have fallen for him if it wasn’t for…well… how fucking gay he acted.

After him and his gf broke ties he started hanging out with me a lot more. He’d call me up at weird times and just wanna go on a walk, play some stupid video game, or just hang. I know those are all things straight guys do, but usually straight guys don’t do that exclusively with one person. He would even ditch his friends to chill alone with me. I felt like he was coming on to me. Sometimes he wouldn’t call; he’d just show up at my room unexpectedly. Once I remember I was napping and he just showed up at my room, I woke up when he got there and he was just standing in the doorway. That’s when I think I knew that I had fallen for him.

He was a lot of things that I wanted in a bf: caring, honest, loyal, simple, fun, athletic, humorous, sexy ect. But I swore to myself I wouldn’t fall for him because I ‘knew’ that he was straight. I didn’t want to repeat the same bullshit that went down with Luke. But the way he acted made me reconsider his straightness. I started to fall for him. His persistence broke down the walls to my heart.

I still am convinced that he may be partly bisexual, but just not open about it. I swear I’ve seen him checking guys out. When I have my shirt off I’ll catch him starring at my abs. He’ll ask me if he looks ripped or if he’s got good abs too. He can be cuddly (although I think he tries to hide it). He gets close to me sometimes, or will even hold my hand as a ‘joke’. Is that what straight guys do? If so it’s fucking confusing. I just couldn’t handle that kind of ‘straight’ affection without falling for him.

I would have come out to him if it weren’t for his homophobic comments. I mean he’d use the word gay as insult much like everyone I know does, but he also said some direct things about homosexuality which made me think he thinks it’s unnatural or weird. I only wish he could see how gay he can act…maybe he’s repressing something? I don’t know.

By the time spring came around I was in love with him, but couldn’t tell him, cause I think he’d be creeped out by me (and possibly by himself too). Having to hide my love for him started to cause me pain. I longed to hold him at night, to kiss him, and to be his man, but I couldn’t. I wished more than ever that I could come out (and perhaps that he could too).

Despite my inner turmoil I thoroughly enjoyed being with Aaron. We had a lot of good times together, and did all kinds of stupid juvenile like shit together. The world was whole when I was around him and I didn’t want to loose him.

That’s when he started falling for a girl… just my luck. The more he fell for this girl the less he hung out with me. He’d call her instead of calling me, and would hang with her instead. I felt as though I’d been used as a sort of surrogate girlfriend until Aaron could find a real one…one that he’d feel comfortable kissing and making out with. But this new GF didn’t stop our friendship.

He still interacted with me (and still does), which was even harder for me. I hated watching him hold his gf—I was so jealous of her. But he’d still do the same old things to lead me on and even treat me like a sort of boyfriend at times. Once when I was a little down he said, ‘you’ll always be the boy for me,’—partly kidding, but partly serious. In some ways he had the best of both worlds: a gf to make out with and me to still be his man crush.

My love for him reached its height at the end of junior year. He was having some hard times at home and wanted to stay away from his fam. I think he also wanted to be nearer to his gf (who lives by me). He didn’t have any where to stay, so I offered my house to him… perhaps a bad idea for me.

He ended up staying there for two and a half weeks. I had a bunk bed in my room so we both slept there. It’s not like I planned for him to stay at my house or for him to be sleeping in my room, it just kind of happened that way.

We ended up working a temporary dry wall job together. We both had some experience, so we were hired by a contractor for a job. Needless to say we spent shitloads of time together: working, driving, eating, sleeping, ect. The only time we seemed to spend around other people was when we’d go over to his girlfriend’s, who lives on a lake, to do fun shit…you know like drink, boat, swim jet ski, sail (yeah she’s f***ing loaded).

All in all it was a really fun time. I kind of got comfortable around him and just let myself feel whatever I felt around him. Of course I didn’t come out to him, but I didn’t exactly stop myself from falling for him either (bad spot to be in). Our time together was good, and I still like to think that we make good companions: I’m a little wiser and he’s shallow, but I bring out surprising depth in him: he’s more playful and I can be too serious, so he helps me have a fun time… I could go on, but I won’t. Anyways I fell more and more for him everyday.

Eventually he had to go back home to deal with some shit, and he lives about 18 hrs away, so I wouldn’t see him the rest of the summer. I was sad he was leaving but knew he had to. The night before he left we were just sitting there talking. We talked about how much he was gonna miss his gf and all his friends here and then I said I’d miss him too.

After talking for a while out of nowhere he asks me, “So Jordo, can I come in bed with you?” I think I pissed myself right then. I was like, “I guess if you want to.” Then he said in a joking sort of way, “gross.” Not in a mean way, just like in the way straight guys joke about being gay. We laughed it off and then he eventually fell asleep.

But I couldn’t sleep for several hours that night. I went downstairs and played guitar for a while, sang some love songs and cried a bit (sappy, I know…). I was mourning the fact that he’d be out of my life for the summer, but even more so I was mourning my unexpressed love. I don’t think he will ever know how much he meant to me. I wish so much that he had come down to my bed so that I could have held him and given him the physical attention I longed to. I wished so much that he would be a little less homophobic, or a little more gay… but things just didn’t turn out my way. I had fallen in love only to loose the one I cared for.

The next morning he left for the summer. At first we talked a fair amount over the internet, but then things died down…long distance anything just sucks

When I saw him again it was at a party at the beginning of the school year. I got there late so he was wasted. He seemed pretty excited to see me… in fact he almost kissed me until his gf dissuaded him (damn gf!). I just think its cause he was drunk.

But things weren’t really the same again. He and his gf had gotten closer cause she visited him for a while. I was pushed further out of the center of his life. We’re still friends and still hang out a fair bit (so you’ll hear more about him in this blog), and I still have a small crush on him but it just isn’t the same. Now I know things could never happen with us. He’s straight, perhaps bi, but has chosen his gf. I’m happy that he knows what he wants now, I just wish that I’d fall in love with someone who could love me back…

So yeah that’s my latest romance. I still haven’t had my love returned and I still haven’t been kissed, super lame I know… Maybe someday.

Jordan

When I realized...

I was gonna post this last night, but had some editing to do.

I intended it to be about how I came to realize i was gay, but it ended up being more like a chronology of the development of my sexuality. Be warned, it's long.
without further ado, here it is
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The thought that I may be gay dawned on me somewhere between my freshman and sophomore year at university. I didn’t fully realize that I was gay until the end of my sophomore year. I know that’s late compared to a lot of guys, but up until that point nothing had forced me to recognize my homosexuality. I guess in some ways I am lucky because, realizing it at such an old age, I didn’t have to go through a lot of the harassment which younger teens go through. I still have had to face the feelings of depression and isolation which are resultant from being in the closet, just at a much latter age.
Before I talk about coming to the realization that I was in fact gay I am going to give a little run down of my sexual development.

As I have said before I never liked girls. Back in grade school when all the boys started having crushes on girls I was really confused. I was like, “WTF guys, what’s the big deal, let’s go play kick ball or legos or play in the mud, let’s not waste our time on these losers.” I couldn’t grasp why girls were such a big deal, mainly because I wasn’t at all attracted. It was the cool thing to have a crush and everyone was doing it, so eventually, after much prodding from my peers, I divulged the name of my ‘crush’. Of course I made up the fact that I had a crush on her just to appease my friends.

I can’t say that I remember having any crushes on guys in elementary school, or even in middle school. However, I can say that from a young age I have always wanted male companionship. I always longed for a best friend and cohort to live life, explore, and play with. I even would pray to God asking Him to give me a best friend (obviously a male one). I remember reading the story of the Two Witnesses in the book of Revelations and fantasizing about how awesome it would be to be one of the two witnesses; I could prophesy and have a companion at the very same time! (For those of you who don’t know the story, supposedly at the end of the world God will call two prophets/witnesses to preach against the anti-Christ) These longings were not necessarily sexual in nature, but upon reflection I see that they were romantic and as such were the pre-pubescent stirrings of my homosexuality. I wanted something more than just a neighborhood buddy, or the companionship of a sports team; I wanted something more intimate.

It wasn’t until high school that my sexual interest in guys really started to develop. I remember I would check out guys a lot. I had several crushes, but of course didn’t realize that’s what they were until much latter. All I was aware of was a collection of feelings: I knew that (1) they were really attractive (2) every time I got around them I would get really nervous (3) I wanted to get to know them better (4) I couldn’t stop looking at them. I never consciously grouped these feelings together and properly labeled them as symptoms of a ‘crush’, but that is what they were.

Although I started having crushes on guys in high school nothing ever materialized into anything more substantial than me ogling some good-looker down the hall. I never had sex, kissed anyone, or dated anyone (guy or girl for that matter). To others I appeared to have absolutely no sexual interest at all.

Once during senior year my friend joked about me being gay and part of me was like, “oh shit, I very well could be… that would explain why I don’t like girls and fantasize about guys.” But I kind of put that thought on the back burner for a while and focused on school, sports, college, and having a fun time. I do think that my high school friends suspect that I’m gay and have so for a long time.

Freshman year of college was rough for me (for unrelated reasons to me being gay). During the middle of that year I grew lonely and started to long for companionship. I had dreams about being with other guys and started looking for, though mostly subconsciously, another guy to be with. That’s when I fell for Luke. Luke lived on the floor below me and I met him through a friend. My first thoughts were, “this guy’s gorgeous.” He had dark hair, green eyes, a slim build, and broad shoulders. Not only was he gorgeous but he was intelligent and listened to what I said. At first we seemed to hit it off really well. So I pursued him, and fell for him harder than I have for anyone. I don’t want to go over the messy details of that relationship, but it can be pretty much summed up by saying that I was gay and needy and wanted a romance and he was straight but appreciated my friendship. When I was angry at him for not loving me like I wanted him to he would console me because he didn’t want to loose me as a friend. When he consoled me I was only led on further to think that a romance was possible. It led to a cycle of me being in love and me being very hurt. That went on until spring of sophomore year, at which point I essentially terminated the friendship because it was too straining. And that’s when I started to realize that everything which just happened in the last year may have been because I was a gay guy who had fallen for a straight friend.

However, this realization was not solidified in me until I met another gay guy. I still remember very well the first time I spoke with Kyle. It was the spring of sophomore year and rugby practice had just started. The first practice it was warm enough to run outside, so we went running to condition ourselves. Kyle was there and I took mental note of him, thought he was kind of cute, but didn’t think too much of it. The day after that practice I was lifting weights and he was there too. I thought I noticed him checking me out, and so I started a conversation with him. He was even hotter than the day before. He was wearing a tank top and had hot arms, good pecs and his six pack was showing through his shirt. From the first couple words I just knew that he was gay. I didn’t know because of anything he said or what he looked like. I knew because it felt like we were flirting, and it felt amazing. It was one of my first times flirting with a guy. We didn’t talk about anything important, but after the conversation my face was beaming with excitement. It wasn’t until a week or two later after more observation, hearing some rumors, and... well... facebook stalking him that I figured out he was gay.

One incident which confirmed my hopes that he was gay was on a Saturday morning before a rugby game. He and I were talking and he said he was hungry because he hadn’t eaten anything all morning. We were sitting next to another one of his friends (big prop, funny guy). I said to Kyle, “well I’ve got a banana if you want it.” I had brought some bananas for after the game. Then big prop turns to Kyle and suggests, “Yeah he’s gotta banana for you, and it aint yellow! Hahahaha.” Big prop was obviously making a lame joke about Kyle being gay. Kyle started blushing. All the while I was thinking to myself, “Yes, yes I do,” and, “damn, I should really ask him out.”

That’s when I started to loose sleep thinking about kyle and about the fact that what I really wanted, and what I had strived to have with Luke, was a boyfriend. I would lay in bed writhing around entertaining the thought that I could ask Kyle out or that he would make a move on me. Unfortunately nothing ever happened. I still regret not coming out at that point in time, cause who knows what could have gone down. I think eventually he assumed I was straight or deeply in the closet and then disengaged me. However, the incident left me changed for the better. Kyle helped me realize that I was gay and that what I wanted was another guy. Kyle transferred out that semester, probably because of harassment. I’ll never forget him.

So that’s when I knew for sure. That was about two years ago. Some things have changed between then and now, so I’ll fill you in on that in a later post.

Till then

Jordo

Quick Update and a Little Rant

I'm doing pretty well right now. I'm on spring break and having a good time relaxing, working out, and catching up on sleep. I'm working on my next post, which I'll probably post latter tonight.

Thought I'd drop a quick post to let y'all know that for the purposes of this blog I created an e-mail account. Feel free to e-mail me at jordan.outloud@gmail.com.

Also, do people chat online? Through what tool/medium? apparently Google has a chat feature... I dunno what are you kids using now a days? (i feel so technologically inept)

On an unrelated note I watched "Milk" last night. Good movie, timeless message. I don't know why but whenever I think about issues of social justice my soul stirs. The messages of love, inclusivism, and equality never fail to resonate within me. If you haven't seen Milk, see it. It's really moving--heck i was brought to tears several times while watching it.

It is a relevant movie to watch in the wake of the passing of prop 8. It reminds us youngsters that there are those who have gone before us who have struggled with the same institutions and powers. It also reminds us that progress has been made, and that if we continue to stand up for what is right we will continue to progress. After watching it I was hopeful that one day homosexuals may receive the social and political acceptance that they long for and so deserve.

Anyways, I was looking around on youtube for speeches of Harvey Milk and i came across this:



This speech is given by the actually Harvey Milk. Pretty moving shit.
It really irks me when opponents of gay rights talk about gay people as if they are an established group of people who are intentionally trying to subvert family values. What these people fail to realize is that their sons, daughters, cousins, nieces, and nephews are gay. In all their hate filled rants and discriminating policies the people whom they predominantly hurt are their own young.

I once researched the statistics on gay youths committing suicide. I don't remember my sources, so i could be wrong, but I calculated that there are at least 10, 000 suicides per year committed by gay youths due to depression caused by social pressures. That's a lot of kids. And think of the thousands of more kids who suffer from depression and harassment. It breaks my heart. I don't understand how Christians can so adamantly labor against the well being of their own children.

With that uplifting note I end my post

Jordan

My life

I feel that given the abstract nature of my last two posts I should fill in some of the specifics about my life.

As you already know I'm gay. However, I'm not your ‘typical gay guy’: I don't dress, look, act, or sound gay. I don’t have any of the 'signs' of being gay besides the fact that I've never been into girls, and I check out guys.

Unfortunately, in our society when people try to figure out if someone is gay they usually draw conclusions based upon his appearance and mannerisms and not from his actual sexual interests. This is why most people assume I’m straight and are genuinely surprised to hear I don’t have, and never have had, a girlfriend. They figure a decent looking athletic guy who likes sports and hangs out with a bunch of straight people couldn't possibly be gay. They quickly dismiss my apparent lack of interest in girls as just a sign that I'm really picky, or they invent some other bullshit reason to justify their belief that I’m straight.

It really frustrates me how stupid and clueless people are about homosexuality; they think there is some inherent contradiction in a gay jock, or an effeminate straight person. I feel like if I did come out to everyone they’d probably expect me to start dressing drag…

Needless to say I don't have to try that hard with most people to hide that I'm gay (although there have been some close calls—more on that latter).

As I said earlier I'm pretty athletic...well at least I try to be. I play for my university’s rugby team as a full back (btw rugby is the greatest sport ever invented), and played hockey and soccer in high school. I've been involved in sports for a long time, and loved every minute of it. I think I actually have an addiction to working out and playing sports. If I don't get physical activity in every day I'll get kind of down. Sports are my coping mechanism. Not sure if that's a good or a bad thing, but that’s okay because it's really the best addiction you could have.

I'm a senior in university and gonna graduate in two months…that's way too fucking soon!! I will be graduating with a major in philosophy and literature and have specializations in all other sorts of shit. I am on the track to go to grad school and study philosophy, theology, or any other of the humanities, but I don’t know if that’s what I want. I’d rather be a professional athlete, or a musician, or a model, or a ski bum, or something else. But I don’t know if any of those are plausible... I guess that I’m pretty good at academics, and could be successful in it, but I just don’t know if I have the heart to do it.

And oh yeah… kind of ashamed to admit this one….

I go to a Christian university. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good school academically speaking, and I’ve learned just as much, if not more, here as I would at most public institutions. However, the atmosphere here is hostile to gay people (among other groups of people). Don’t worry I don’t go to Bob Jones or some other crazy ass fundamentalist university (I hate fundamentalism). The school I go to is more moderate and doesn’t take sides in political issues (yes, there is a college democrats club on campus). But when it comes to the issue of homosexuality it really drops the ball. Most students are embarrassingly ignorant about homosexuality and think it’s a sin or gross, or both. I kind of wish I would have never come here in the first place cause then I wouldn’t have to put up with all this Christian bullshit.

On top of that there are only a few out gay guys at my school, and none of them are my type. I don’t even know where or how I’d begin looking for someone to date. There are some guys I think are in the closet, but you can’t really tell until you ask. So yeah my romantic life is pretty shitty right now.

I don’t think coming out would be so hard for me if I wasn’t submersed in a Christian atmosphere. My parents and friends are all Christians and have been raised to think that homosexuality is a sin. I honestly don’t even know what would happen if I came out, but I feel most people would reject me or try to ‘fix’ me.

My cousin came out a several years ago, when I was in my early teens, and my dad, along with the rest of my family, was getting all concerned with the eternal fate of his soul and kept on denouncing his ‘lifestyle’. All I wanted to say to them was, “who gives a shit! You really think God’s gonna keep someone out of heaven cause they’re gay?”
Since that whole incident (which was before I really figured out I was gay) I have felt that homosexuality isn’t wrong, and that gay people are the one’s whom should be the least judged and condemned out of everyone because we are already the victims of so much hate and discrimination—if anyone deserves grace it is gay people, not Christians.

Anyways, all that goes to say that the environment of my life is not conducive to help me grow as a gay man. Sometimes I want to ditch my whole life here and move somewhere far away where I’ll be accepted, but at the same time I still care for my friends and family here, and this is where my roots are. I just wish that they could accept me for who I am.


Well this concludes a rambling post with random info about my life—hope it helps you understand where I’m coming from.

If you’re gay and find yourself in a Christian atmosphere you should check out the link I posted on the side of this page called ‘a biblical affirmation of homosexuality’. You should also check out the book “Stranger at the Gates” by Mel White. It’s the story of Mel’s life as a closeted gay man in popular Christian culture. He used to be a ghost writer for Billy graham and Jerry Fallwell and all those chumps…that is until he came out.

I’ll post again soon.
I’ll probably post about the second straight guy I fell for…

Until then,
Peace

Jordo

In the Closet

So… If you couldn’t figure it out in the first post… I’m gay. Some gays feel guilty about their orientation and struggle with it for years. That’s not me. I’m fine being gay; in fact I don’t think I’d have it any other way. From the time I began to realize I was gay I haven’t tried to fight it at all. I realized that my homosexuality constitutes a large part of who I am—to deny homosexuality would be to deny the truth about myself. I couldn’t do that to myself because I realized that those who deny themselves are confined to live lives of illusion and self-hatred. So I couldn’t lie to myself, I couldn’t choose to feel guilty about it; I couldn’t betray my true self. Thankfully I had the courage to internally own up to who I am, otherwise I could have been pretty messed.

Unfortunately, internally owning up to my gayness is only half the picture. See, I like being gay, I like gay people, I wanna live gay and have a cute boyfriend whose caring and smart and makes me breakfast and cuddles and shit. The problem is that no one (well not no one….but probs 95% of the people I know) have a huge ass problem with me being gay—or at least I assume they would if they found out…..

So yeah I’m stuck in the closet, and it fucking sucks.

I guess I’ve come out to 5 peeps, and if it weren’t for these people I’d probably be in much worse shape than I am right now. I am soo grateful for the love and support they have offered to me.

Although it’s great being out to at least a few people it isn’t enough, especially considering that I spend minimal amounts of time with these people. The majority of my life is spent living with people who are still in the dark about my orientation—the majority of my life is spent living a lie.

The problem with living a lie is that after a while you realize that everything that your life has become was built of…well…a lie. You begin to see that the person your friends and family call to hang out with, show concern for when you’re down, or gossip about when you’re not there isn’t you. That person is an illusion, and for that reason any love that others might generate towards that illusion becomes empty. Their love isn’t real to me because it isn’t for me, it’s for some illusion I’ve created—it’s built on a false pretense: that I’m NOT GAY!

I’ve come to accept that if I were to come out at least %50 of my friends would ditch me and most others would loose a lot of respect for me. It is that knowledge that sticks like a thorn in my mind, constantly reminding me not to trust the love and warmth I feel from my friends and family. How can I trust their love if I know it would be shattered so easily? I can’t. Which is why I’ve come to feel that hanging out with my friends, chilling with the fam, and trying to develop relationships while still ‘in the closet’ is inherently meaningless.

So I’ve come to realize that ‘coming out’ is the only way I can bring meaning back to my life.

But here’s the catch; I really respect and cherish my family and friends, and I’d rather have the illusion that they love and respect me than to have no love and respect at all. I feel alienated and alone because of my gayness, but I am dependent upon my image of straightness to secure my social status as cherished and loved. So I’m hiding in this closet cause I’m immobilized by the fear of loosing what I have. But being stuck in the closet isn’t how anyone should live—it’s a life of desperation forced on us by social pressures beyond our control.

I’m fucking sick of it and I want out—I suppose that’s why I’m writing this blog. I’ve gotta find a way to externalize my homosexuality, even if it’s in small steps. I’ve gotta have the balls to step out and be myself, otherwise I’ll slowly wither and die due to lack of love and lack of expression.
I’m not gonna lie, I want a boyfriend, I want to hit on cute guys and not have to hide it, I want my friends and family to know the REAL me and love that person, because only then will their love take on meaning—only then will their love be directed towards me and not some illusion.

So this blog is the story of my life while I’m in the process of coming out. It won’t happen in a day or even a week, it’s gonna take a while, cause I am not ready yet. But thankfully this blog is a part of my coming out, it’s a small step towards the right direction. It’s a step towards truly being myself.

I may not be living out loud and proud yet, but at least I’m thinking out loud.

peace