Done

C'est finis... as the French say.

I finished class yesterday and work today. It feels good. I worked hard this semester and learned a lot. I did pretty well academically too. It was fun, but I'm glad the coursework is over for the semester. I had this real bitch of a project I was working on the last three days. But it's done.

I worked the last two nights and this morning. So w/ school and everything I've had quite a few fourteen hour days as of late. Now I just get to rest and have Christmas. It feels good.

Alright gonna go work out. Haven't gotten to the last two days.

Btw still gonna make that good post, probs tonight or tomorrow.

Keep it real

The Future

So lately I've been filling in my picture of what my future will look like. Before this year my image of the future was blurry at best. I spent most of time in denial that I would ever have to grow up and find something to make a living at. I had all sorts of fantasies about running away to be a ski bum in the mountains, trying to become a fitness model, or going over seas to play international rugby.
But now that I'm studying math again it's like I've found my first love again. I find that the intellectual rigor of math engages me in the way no other subject really can. It feels good to continually be learning and to push myself to do so.

Ideally I'd be a math professor someday, preferably at a large research type institution. But sometimes I doubt myself. For some reason I don't have that much confidence in my abilities--which is stupid because I have no reason to think I'm not cut out for it. In fact some of my profs have said they think I have what it takes to be a successful math graduate student. But I worry sometimes that my lack of background in certain areas of mathematics will hold me back.

So I have this one prof that I have been getting to know. He's a really cool guy. Normal, not geeky, smart, explains abstract concepts in a way that a high schooler could understand, and above all he's not cocky, at all.
He showed us this mathematical card trick in class one day for fun and said if anyone could figure it out he'd treat them to lunch...
I figured it out in about ten minutes and like a week later someone else figured it out.
So I was reading up on him last night and figured out that he's actually a pretty big deal in math. He got his PhD in math from MIT and has served as the chief editor for a pretty big math journal and sits on a bunch of editorial boards. He also has some big title at my university. Sort of intimidating, but you wouldn't guess it at all from the way he acts.

Anyways.
If you haven't figured it out I'm not at the same school I used to be at. The University I'm going to now has some serious connections, its a top school in math, especially for certain subfields of it.
And for those of you interested the types of math I'm attracted to is mostly abstract stuff. I tried taking a math finance course this year but dropped after the second week b/c it was so boring (for me at least...no offense intended).

So yea I spend a good chunk of my day wondering if I can cut it in a very competitive field. I spose all I can really do is work hard, talk to my professors, keep doors open, and hope for the best.

I have a post coming soon which should be pretty good.

Jordan

Update

Hey, not sure if anyone actually will read this, or that they remember me...

Either way I've decided to write an update about my life.

The good news is that I am doing well, quite well. I am in school for mathematics right now and loving it. Sorta dorky of me I suppose, but I have always been attracted to math. I remember when I was like in 5th grade I started doing simple geometric proofs for fun. I figure that I'm lucky to find something like math intrinsically rewarding, so I might as well pursue it. I'm filling in some gaps in my undergrad math education (stuff that physics didn't cover), but am taking some grad classes at the same time. I'm not sure yet what I'm gonna do with it. part of me wants to get a PhD in Math, but if I don't I could always go work for an engineering firm, go into finance, or work for the gov't.

Don't worry though, I haven't turned into a nerd... I'm still the strapping young athletic man I've always been.
It's actually sort of amusing b/c in my math classes I feel quite out of place. Everyone is either from some part of Asia or India or they are exceptionally nerdy. I'm sure people overlook me in class because they think I'm some frat boy who has no place in math. Maybe I am haha.... not sure yet.

But yea its finals week, almost done. It's been a busy semester, but definitely worth it.

So i reread some of my prior posts, and some of my more recent ones were negative, to say the least. It's cool to see how much my attitude has changed. Yes I made some ill thought out decisions, yes coming out didn't go how I thought it would, however those are just minor set backs in life. I'm realizing that I'm still young enough to make what I want out of life. It's not too late for me. I'm doing well in my math classes and have impressed some of my professors. There is--I think and I hope--a place for me in this world.

As for the boy situation... no luck. Not sure when/if its ever going to happen. But I'm not sure it's worth worrying about things that I can't control. I'll just try and be a better person and hopefully someday something will work out.

Hope you're all doing well

From the Ground Up

hey there folks... Its been a while...
Not really sure if anyone is gonna read this but thought Id post again.

First off, I stopped blogging not because anything traumatic happened in my life... save for my computer breaking into two pieces.

Second off, my life has been really boring, so even when i did get a computer back (like two weeks ago) i actually had nothing to talk about... well mostly nothing

But yea I was pretty bored tonight and just felt like writting. I'm doing pretty well. just been working out and working a lot. I'm actually going back to school pretty soon here so I'm excited for that. Decided I'm gonna get a masters or Phd, so watch out world haha. Just finishing up some pre-reqs this summer and fall.

as for the whole coming out situation, really haven't told anyone lately, mostly b/c i havent felt the need to. One of my sisters is back in town now tho, so i think i'll tell her soon. I think i'm over the fear that if i come out everyone that I know is gonna get up and leave me, but I've been sort of lethargic about telling people b/c most of the time i just dont care to. still need to come out to aaron but cant think of how i should do it, and more importantly am having a hard time finding the time to. We both work a lot and our schedules conflict.

I'm still single fyi. Yes, I'd like to be with someone, but i really havent found any guys that im into who are also gay... Starting to loose hope that i ever will. Of course i might, but if i do its gonna be some matter of chance and will happen regardless of whether or not im looking. So i've been trying to put aside my romantic side for the time being.

there was this guy i made out with a while back, he was hot but not much else going on. apparently he's a slut too. it was fun making out with him but probably not something that will happen again.

I've also decided that the gay community really isnt for me. Gay guys gross me out... and they're not even attractive. gay bars are cesspools, and i hate the way everyone who attends them has critically low self esteem.
That and i just cant stand gay culture and manerisms.

so yea... my life is going.

I've been having a lot of regrets lately. Mostly dreaming about what my life would've been like if i went to a different school, or had come out to aaron when it seemed like he was most interested in me, or chosen the right things to study in school so i wouldnt have to go back, or been a little more forward and less ashamed about being gay, or worked harder last year and applied to grad school. I feel like I've messed up my life in some pretty big ways.
But it's not useful dwelling on my mistakes just to feel sorry for myself, I've got to pick myself up and learn from them. I've got a chance here to really rebuild my life.
Sure I've fucked up and things arent the way they should be, but that doesnt mean that i cant make something of my life yet. I spose that lately I've begun to hope again--i've begun to believe that even though it doesnt feel like my life has ammounted to anything that it isnt over and I can still do some good things.

So that's what im trying to do--to rebuild my life from the ground up the way that i feel it shouldve been.

alright long post
sleep well all, hope this finds you well

been grinding away

So yea, havent done a post in a while. I dont know what it is but sometimes i just have nothing to write.... or if i do i'm too exhausted to get it out.

I've been working like crazy last couple weeks... im so burnt out all the time. And on top of that ive been working out like mad. I'm up to 207 on a good day, so that's pretty awesome. Don't be jealous its all muscle lol.

So yea on that note... i've been approached to be a model on two seperate occasions by two separate people this weekend... its really weird. And its not the first time this has happened to me. Im not saying this to brag just thought id share it. If anything i have low self esteem with regards to my looks so I'm more surprised than I am bragging.

I was working at the restaurant this weekend when a lady approached me and said that I shouldn't be working my job and that i was too good for it and didnt belong there. So yea she has a friend who's a super model and she gave me her number. And then tonight i got approached by a guy who co-owns a modeling business when i was out at a bar...

yea... ne ways... its sorta weird and im not an exhibitionist or anything. But it's got me thinking that if I can actually make decent money doing modeling why shouldnt I? it'd beat the hell out of my jobs right now haha. And i love working out so If i could basically get paid to do that thatd be sweet. Its definitely not a long term fix or anything, just an option.

so enough about my modeling career and enough bragging...



all that stuff aside my life feels really boring and lonely lately. Living with the rents suuucccckkss. for no other reason than that Im alone all the time. Im not on the same sleep sched as my rents and its not like were like best buds so I dont really get companionship from them. My little bros cool and all but i barely see him. So when i wake up I'm alone, when i get back from work i talk to my rents a little and then they go to bed and then I'm alone... so I'm like always alone unless i intentionally seek friends out.

It was so much easier when i was at school playing rugby and was on campus. People were around me everywhere and friends were easy to visit. Now its redic hard to see people.

I also want a bf... I think thatd help a lot. I'm just sick of feeling a lone in this world. I can do it by myself, and have done so for a long time, but I'm tired of it. I want to have friends that live closer to me and also to have a bf i can cuddle with up at the end of the day.

alright im tired and need to drink water, I'll post later this week

sup all

not really sure what to write about, but thought id post ne ways.

just got off work, it was dec. going to my second job in an hour or so, just chilling right now.

I have a headache so that sucks.

so yea i saw the cute gym boy last night... damn hes so cute haha
he's like basically what i want. Muscular, fit, shorter than me, great personality, a bit shy, loyal type of person. Reminds me a bit of Aaron actually...
He's most likely str8 tho, so whatevs not much else to say about that.
not much has happened the last couple days, just been working.

I watched the state of the union last night and thought it was decent. I dont know if i've said it b4 here but im pretty liberal politically speaking, so yea i support Obama. I just wish he would step up a bit more, take charge and dish back to the republicans some heat. The dems are loosing elecetions right now not cuz of any thing they've done or screwed up on, but b/c the cons have used propaganda to make the dems looks stupid. Like seriously the only substantial peice of legislation that has been passed was the recovery act, and somehow the adminstration is being made out to be a dangerous socialistic take over of the economy.... hell the public option was taken out of the health bill, so thats not even close to socialism (and btw 55% of americans want a public option). Fox News, bill O'reilly, Rush Limbaugh and all those punks are singlehandedly crying and bitching loud enough and using fear and anger effectively in order to make people think obamas doing a bad job. But the only reason hes doing a bad job is that republicans refuse to work with him.

I hears on the news today that on next tues Robert Gates is going to hold a press conference on what steps this administration is going to take in order to reveal dont ask dont tell. Bout damn time haha. well at least hes being faithful on his promise. i actlly know some gay peeps in the military btws

I'm actually pretty optimistic about obamas administration. I think if he can implement some of the reforms he's talking about people will quickly see that all the fear mongering that fox news is doing is pure bullshit.

anyways.... if ur a republican plz dnt stop reading, i'll prbly never post about politics again.

jordy

not so bad, but still bored

so yea... despite my last post im not doing too bad... actually not sure if ne 1 read it besides cash, but thats cool.

Was watching football today and my dad and mom were like encouraging me about my future and were telling me that im young and can still make something of myself. They dont want to see me just float by working waiting jobs or what have you. So yea im probs going back to school, prbly for mathematics.... sounds lame, but im really good at it and i love it. Strangely enough mathematics has a cathartic effect on me.

So yea altho my life cud be better right now in multiples ways and if i could go back and do things differently Id be sitting sweet in life right now, its def not too late.

And really things arent that bad for me. I have two jobs when millions in america dont have any jobs. I will be making more money than my mom (whos a teacher and has her masters. I dont have too many student loans, and most importantly I'm healthy, intelligent, and have charisma. All i need to decide now is what i want to do with my life and what will make me happy in ten years. I have a job which can keep me stable while i try to figure out what i wanna do with my life, but i cant just sit on these jobs, i have to decide.

My life is basically whatever i make of it at this point. The problem is I'm not sure what i want. I'd like to make decent money and have good benefits. I feel i have money i cud have kids and support a fam and shit so thatd be good. But id also like to do meaningful work. Id like to go home at the end of the day knowing that i did something positive... even if its something small... Spose i dont wanna end up on wall street writting derrivatives and making profits off of others losses, but i dont exactly want to be working for non-profits. there's got to be a happy medium right?

As far as rugby goes... i'm 205 right now working up to 210. If i can get to 210 or 215 im the size of a lot of pro rugby players who play my position... think i might do semi pro stuff, not sure yet. Id like to have a reason to work out tho and rugby is a blast. Ive gotten stronger too so id love to get on the field again and plow kids over haha
oh and speaking of rugby, just to prove to y'all that rugby players are the hottest


theres that pic

umm yea...
other than that theres cute gym boy. hes straight but ive been fantasizing that perhaps hes gay. maybe he is idk... he shows interest in me and has some gay traights. Either way im bummed cuz i didnt see him at the gym last couple days. he was busy w/ school, but still. My gym is like an old persons gym and i dont like it. I have a feeling im getting oogled by old men and its weird... So cute gym boy is my only relief from overweight people... hes the only eye candy. I decided id like to be his friend regardless of if hes gay or not. i figure i'll ask for his number. I dont think he knows many people in the area and i am away from uni friends so we cud chill and shit. If we do tho i plan on coming out to him and being like, i know ur straight i just wanna let u know if were gonna be friends...
im sick of lying and itd be nice to have a straight guy friend who im upfront with about my sexuality... i spose i have a couple already but none of them are hot athletic types haha

so yea.... other than that im bored. i just dont see enough people in my life. Im sick of living at home and sick of going to bed alone and waking up alone and doing everything alone. itd be nice just to have friends aroudn again. I'm a very social person and get grumpy when i get pent up here. so yea i need to get out more. this weekend was fun tho, and i might have met a dateable guy, which wud be sweet. we'll see tho


alright holy shit another redic long post

peace out
jordy

boring as ever

...
so yea havent posted in a while... mostly cuz I've been fucking busy.
I started a new job at a resturaunt, so yea had training this week and last and was working my other job so was working like 10 plus hours a day and freaking exhausted.
I hate my other job but dont really want to talk about it. As far as the resturaunt gig goes, thats going ok. I like it a bit more cuz im around people when i do it... i like being around lots of people... It should start paying well too, its a nicer resturaunt and serving there (which i'll be doing soon), pays quite well.
Its sorta the ideal job to have while taking classes on the side too, which is good cuz i might go back to school.




ne ways.... onto other shit.
i've been really bored as shit as of late... also lonely, and a bit frustrated. For one work has been consuming my life so i havent really seen any friends or hung out or done anything fun till like, well, tonight and last night. so I was pretty lonely and just feeling lethargic all this week.

On top of that I'm pretty disatissfied with my life right now. I feel like I'm living well under my potential. I feel like i've fucked up quite a few things and have derailed my life. I'm a pretty intelligent guy (not meaning to brag) and had the potential to go to top universities in pretty much any field i wanted to. I'm really good at math as well as the humanities... i was often the smartest person in my class at my university (not meaning to brag, just being honest). But the irony of that all is that right now i'm working for a fucking resturaunt feeling burnt out having to worry about making enough money to feed myself and pay off my student loans... I severly fucked up my last year of grades cuz i was so depressed with all my coming out and being in the closet and being deeply in love w/aaron, so i'm worried that blew my chances of attending the sort of university I would want to. It just makes me sad cuz i know i have the intelligence to go to a high level university in a grad program but have just fucked up my chances of getting there.... and a lot of it was b/c of emotional shit going on in my life.

I wish i could take back my decision to go to my school. it was actually one of the worst decisions of my life. I spose i went there to get a good education in the humanities, which i got, but it wasnt worth the price at all. I got accepted to a good IT program and turned it down... but those were the only two schools i applied at... fuck. i wasnt thinking clearly at all. And now i'm in debt b/c of my school... fuck that... those bitches fucked me over

not only that but i remained closeted for longer cuz of being there, got really depressed and then sucked at school.... I also didnt have any opportunities to date guys or have sex or ne thing.

I feel like my most formative and crucial years have slipped me by and i'm left with nothing but a piece of paper. My job isnt even in any of my fields... i'm a fucking waiter.

sorry if i sound really negative, i'm actually not emotionally unstable right now, just frustrated

i'm also quite frustrated about my lack of a love life. I'm beginning to feel as if I will never even have sex, and falling in love, that seems incredibly impossible.

I was hanging with ben and dave tonight and watching them together, it struck something deep inside me... they're very affectionate and sexual with eachother, but at the same time are really good friends with eachother. they have a romance sorta thingy going on, and thats what i want, i just have no fucking idea of how to get that. I've only kissed one guy in my life and that was a mistake...

what i really want is to hold someone and have them hold me in their arms and know that they love me as much as i love them. I want the warmth of a lovers embrace. Ive never known that feeling but its what ive been wanting for so long now.

fuck... this post is really bitchy, sorry to ne 1 who is still reading.

alright ne ways, so yea, my life feels a bit empty right now. My love life is empty, if we're talking occupations my life isnt so great.
I spose i have a lot of friends, which is good. A lot of peeps call me to hang out a lot, so that feels good. But still i want more than friends, i want a bf....

oh and btw i turned 23 since my last post... shit i feel old. i'm having an early 20s crisis.

oh and about gogo boy, he's a slut found that out and stayed away from him. and for my credit he was clothed when i got his digits... didnt even know he was a dancer when i started talking to him.

so yea im going to bed. sorry for that bitchy post. i promise, if you met me in person id seem cordially and smiley and you wudnt be able to tell. this is just stuff thats brewing bellow the surface. spose thats why i have this blog, to vent and shit

alright

over and out
jordy

me = sexually frustrated

so... im kinda drunk rite now... didnt even have that many drinks, they were just fuc king strong... ugghhhh
we started out at this cool asian bar and then went to a gay bar... I was like super horny and slightly drunk... what a dangerous combo. almost made out with some moderately attractive guys and like was ready to jump ne 1. Thankfully i told my friends to make sure i didnt do nething too stupid

But yea i got the digits of this go go dancer that, altho younger, is kinda cute... idk if it was just the alcohol speaking tho.. fuking drunk goggles. yea.... he's cute tho, and were gonna talk tomorrow.
My friend texted me and told me that he's a slut... idk..

unrelated im wondering how longer my V card is gonna hold out... like seriously i have guys wantin me all the time and like some cute ones... and when booze enters the mix... well things just have the potential to get messy.

altho my friend ben told me hed be really dissapointed if i didnt wait until it wuz some 1 that was right for me... he like gets drunk nd then lectures me about how i'm good looking and a good guy and deserve likewise... idk... ughhhh....

that go go guys is cute hto... if he were in my bed right now...well... things mite get messy

Just my luck....

So there's this guy I've been seeing around the gym lately. Cute guy, smaller than me, but really strong... he's so cute. I think i already talked about him in another post. So ne ways, Last night I was like, fuck it, next time I'm at the gym I'm gonna talk to him, strike up a convo or something.

I went to workout tonight and he asked me for a spot and bam, i had my opening. we struck up a convo and he seems like a cool guy... however i found out he has a gf... fuck

I'm pissed. Not big time, just little time-feel like i'm never gonna find a cute guy whos gay, just gonna keep falling for str8 dudes...
I mean theres always the chance that he's gay or bi, but very low... idk...
And even if he is bi he's prbly too closeted to do ne thing... so yea there goes that.
But i bet we'll see eachother around so maybe we can be friends.
uuggghhh hes so cute.... oh well such is life right.

now its awkward cuz i'm like, fuck prbly see him again but dont wanna get to close to someone only to fall for them again. i feel like I'm sick of str8 guys just cuz of the emotional shit that i go thru when i'm around them (or at least ones i like).
but i spose i can desexualize him.... altho that didnt help with aaron

Ne ways... i need a bf so i dont have to worry bout goin after str8 dudes.
I actually just need a bf in general. I'm really lonely in that romantic way and just want to hold some 1...

oh well.

sorry for another boring post about my not so happenin love life

hope ur all doing well

jordy

Celebrity Look Alikes

So last night I went to out w/ dave and his bf and some other peeps to some bars some of which was gay and we ended up staying there for midnight and the rest of the night.
It was fun being with dave and ben and some other friends, and I'm glad that the people i had around me for NYE new i was gay and are ok with it, that feels good.
But I'm not gonna lie, last night was frustrating, mostly b/c i got freaking molested by every guy that walked by me and like starred down by creepers. I was actually ready to punch someone. I used to just ignore it when someone starts like rubing my back or passes by and grabs and handfull of ass or whatever, but last nite i was just pissed and any time anyone even got close to making a move on me id like grab their arm and push it away from me. One guy gave me a dirty look when I stopped him from touching me, and i was like wtf asshole u dont have the right to touch me, i'm not some slut and no ammount of money is gonna get me to go in bed with you.

ne ways, i was rather pissed... I felt very objectified, and ready to start a fight... btw i cud prbly kick a lot of those dudes asses... they're all drunk slow and not that strong.
I may be done w/ gay bars 4 a while.

oh and it wasnt worth it cuz i didnt find ne 1 to kiss for midnight... altho i'm sure i cud have had many guys... The problem was more my pickiness and shyness



Ok now onto the title of this post. While i was there people sed i looked like various celebrities.

Among them was ashton kutcher. two people sed i looked like him last nite... one was like, "i'm sure u've been told this b4 but you look like ashton kutcher"
which i dont think i do at all... but i kinda dress like him and have similar hair.
actually on second thought there are some similarities... I'll take the compliment tho.





[and yes I'm posting the pictures of these guys for a couple reasons... 1)i'm bored off my ass, 2) most are hot nd i dont mind looking at them, 3) i'm vain, 4) it's an excuse to post pics which will def increase my blog traffic]


the next noted celebrity semblence was stated by a large fag hag who seemed like a pretty fun person... I was walking through the dance floor and she look at me an screamed,
"Oh my God, It's Zac Efron!!!!"
..... she preceeded to hug me and pinch my cheek. Not necessarily the most proud of that one, but I'll take it as a compliment.
It was pretty funny tho. Again, I'm not sure I look like Efron, but we have certain similarities... specially in the hair department, but also a bit of facial structure. Im more muscular than he is tho, so i think i have him beat.



I was also told I look like Jonathan Taylor Thomas... I've actually been told this many times... So who knows, perhaps. but yea i really dont see it, personally i think Efron or Kutcher are closer matches.




Now, to the person that I uncanily look like... no one actually sed i looked like him last night, but that's cuz he isnt that well known.
It's William Mosely who plays the part of Prince Peter in the knew Narnia series. My mom is convinced were like long lost twins or something (which doesnt make ne sense), but yea... fairly similar xcept i'm bigger and more muscular than him.
Actually looking at some of his pic now we are pretty similar, but even moreso than in the pics, when i saw the movie I felt like i was watching myself cuz we make the same facial expressions... its really weird.
so here we go






i especially look like the narnia pic

so yea for the record I dont really think i look like these guys, and i just think its funny that people think i do. I'm not sure why they do, but thought it wud make an entertaining post, and perhaps u have a vague idea of what other people think i look like now.

Alright peace out

Jordo

and happy new years!!!!