...
so yea havent posted in a while... mostly cuz I've been fucking busy.
I started a new job at a resturaunt, so yea had training this week and last and was working my other job so was working like 10 plus hours a day and freaking exhausted.
I hate my other job but dont really want to talk about it. As far as the resturaunt gig goes, thats going ok. I like it a bit more cuz im around people when i do it... i like being around lots of people... It should start paying well too, its a nicer resturaunt and serving there (which i'll be doing soon), pays quite well.
Its sorta the ideal job to have while taking classes on the side too, which is good cuz i might go back to school.
ne ways.... onto other shit.
i've been really bored as shit as of late... also lonely, and a bit frustrated. For one work has been consuming my life so i havent really seen any friends or hung out or done anything fun till like, well, tonight and last night. so I was pretty lonely and just feeling lethargic all this week.
On top of that I'm pretty disatissfied with my life right now. I feel like I'm living well under my potential. I feel like i've fucked up quite a few things and have derailed my life. I'm a pretty intelligent guy (not meaning to brag) and had the potential to go to top universities in pretty much any field i wanted to. I'm really good at math as well as the humanities... i was often the smartest person in my class at my university (not meaning to brag, just being honest). But the irony of that all is that right now i'm working for a fucking resturaunt feeling burnt out having to worry about making enough money to feed myself and pay off my student loans... I severly fucked up my last year of grades cuz i was so depressed with all my coming out and being in the closet and being deeply in love w/aaron, so i'm worried that blew my chances of attending the sort of university I would want to. It just makes me sad cuz i know i have the intelligence to go to a high level university in a grad program but have just fucked up my chances of getting there.... and a lot of it was b/c of emotional shit going on in my life.
I wish i could take back my decision to go to my school. it was actually one of the worst decisions of my life. I spose i went there to get a good education in the humanities, which i got, but it wasnt worth the price at all. I got accepted to a good IT program and turned it down... but those were the only two schools i applied at... fuck. i wasnt thinking clearly at all. And now i'm in debt b/c of my school... fuck that... those bitches fucked me over
not only that but i remained closeted for longer cuz of being there, got really depressed and then sucked at school.... I also didnt have any opportunities to date guys or have sex or ne thing.
I feel like my most formative and crucial years have slipped me by and i'm left with nothing but a piece of paper. My job isnt even in any of my fields... i'm a fucking waiter.
sorry if i sound really negative, i'm actually not emotionally unstable right now, just frustrated
i'm also quite frustrated about my lack of a love life. I'm beginning to feel as if I will never even have sex, and falling in love, that seems incredibly impossible.
I was hanging with ben and dave tonight and watching them together, it struck something deep inside me... they're very affectionate and sexual with eachother, but at the same time are really good friends with eachother. they have a romance sorta thingy going on, and thats what i want, i just have no fucking idea of how to get that. I've only kissed one guy in my life and that was a mistake...
what i really want is to hold someone and have them hold me in their arms and know that they love me as much as i love them. I want the warmth of a lovers embrace. Ive never known that feeling but its what ive been wanting for so long now.
fuck... this post is really bitchy, sorry to ne 1 who is still reading.
alright ne ways, so yea, my life feels a bit empty right now. My love life is empty, if we're talking occupations my life isnt so great.
I spose i have a lot of friends, which is good. A lot of peeps call me to hang out a lot, so that feels good. But still i want more than friends, i want a bf....
oh and btw i turned 23 since my last post... shit i feel old. i'm having an early 20s crisis.
oh and about gogo boy, he's a slut found that out and stayed away from him. and for my credit he was clothed when i got his digits... didnt even know he was a dancer when i started talking to him.
so yea im going to bed. sorry for that bitchy post. i promise, if you met me in person id seem cordially and smiley and you wudnt be able to tell. this is just stuff thats brewing bellow the surface. spose thats why i have this blog, to vent and shit
alright
over and out
jordy
Core memory unlocked!
5 years ago
4 comments:
Buck up. Things always get better.
yeah things always get better :) and btw happy b-day
Okay, if you had made some different decisions, college *might* have been better for you, and you might be in a better situation right now.
But that's water over the dam. You can only move ahead from where you are. And you can move ahead from where you are.
To someone who just turned 67, turning 23 is definitely young. You definitely have time to make a good life for yourself and to make supportive and loving friendships.
You don't have to rush into things, but when you know what you want to study in grad school, which includes knowing what you'd like to do with it, then you can apply. With your first three years of undergrad so much better than senior year, I think you can be frank and say that you had personal stresses which are behind you now, and that you can perform again at the higher level.
Is there a way that you could do some courses as a non-degree student and show them what you can do before you apply for a degree program?
Few 23 year old gay guys, especially the ones who were stuck in the closet until senior year at university, have a perfect life, love life, etc. Your situation is very normal unless you want one night stands for a few years.
Maybe get back to school if only as an undeclared and do math since you love it. Then join clubs, gay or str8?
How about a high school or community college math teacher who also coaches at the same school or somewhere else? Math teachers are as rare as hen's teeth! Job security x 10. If you can also teach English or history they will come begging.
Many gay guys teach. You could teach for a while, have lots of time off, and sort out what you want to do. 23 is not at all too late.
Grad schools want students. They need to fill slots to break even. So apply all over. MA in math from UM is not crap! In the real world the masters degree from Harvard or Yale or MIT might get you noticed, but the question will be: "if he went to Harvard how long will he stay here?"
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