Well, it’s been a while since my last post, almost a week. Considering that I’m done with major course work one might think that I would have all the time and energy in the world to sit down and write about my life—quite the opposite has happened. It’s not that I haven’t had time and energy; it’s simply that I didn’t have any words to say. That’s mostly due to the fact that this week has been about recovery for me. The good news is that I’m starting to recover; I’m happy, I feel in good almost great shape, I’ve been spending time outside and cycling frequently, and I’m starting to hope in the future again.
Considering my absence I feel I have some things I need to catch you, my awesome reader up on. Where to start….. all right I’ll jump right in with the most urgent of all my present concerns:
--As of lately I have been extremely horny. I want some action and I want it now. Maybe it’s because I’ve never been kissed, perhaps it’s the summer air, and maybe it’s my newfound freedom from that damned school I attended, but I’ve been on fire lately. I’m tempted to just drive down to some bar and get picked up for a one night stand (even though that is something I will definitely not do—although maybe I should). As evidence of my horniness, I wanked 4 times yesterday, and twice today… I think I jacked it 6 times in 36 hours… that’s once every 6 hours… wtf? Am I going through puberty again.
Alright onto the next thingy
--Aaron was away for a week and got back in town yesterday and we hung out some today.
He’s beautiful, absolutely beautiful. Due to my present horniness I’d say I was on the edge of just grabbing him and just full out putting my toungue down his throat… or putting something else down it… jk …. kinda… not really (dirty thoughts…)
But yea I’m really conflicted about what to do about that stud I happen to have fallen for.
I’m gonna do a post about him asking for your advice about what to do… it will be titled what to do about aaron, so stay tuned.
But yea I’ve decided that my next step in my coming out process is to come out to aaron. I just don’t know how to do it. Do I try to get drunk with him and then let sexual stuff ‘happen’? Do I come out to him cold turkey? Do I let him ‘accidently’ find gay porn on my computer? I really don’t know. Part of the issue is that I still am not sure he’s straight. The other part of the issue is that I’m worried I will loose him as a friend.
All my dramatic coming out thoughts concerned, I’ve been less down thinking about Aaron lately because I realize that Aaron, the good friend and awesome dude he is, is only one fish in the sea. There are many other guys out there who I have the potential of having a relationship with—guys who I actually know are gay. In some ways it’d be sad if I have to move on, but in other ways it’s refreshing. It let’s me know that I’m not bound to a particular person or a particular fate. I am free. I can move on, forgive, forget, and see the beauty in another person in the same way I see Aaron.
I’ll post about this latter (oh and this future post will have some juicy stories in it)
Aight, my next thingy:
--I’ve been frequenting a gay dating site and have been getting positive responses from some people. It feels good. Generally I have low self-esteem about my appearance (among other things), so it’s been nice to receive some attention. *On an interesting note I was talking with James from Just Me and he said that perhaps my low self-esteem regarding my looks is due to the fact that I haven’t been complimented by a guy who I like regarding my looks, so I haven’t believed that any male would find me attractive. This seems to make sense because I have been complimented by girls, but for some reason their accolades do little to change my self image.*
But yea… this site is cool… and it kinda ties into my earlier post about being horny… I really really really want to kiss some one. Lame, I know, I’m still a virgin… in every conceivable way… but I want to be physically intimate with someone. I feel it’d be good for my heart and soul. To be held, to affirm another, to be affirmed, and to, well, kiss… that’d be awesome. Problem is I need someone else to do this with. Aaron’s not doing the job… so…. Hopefully I find someone to um… kiss??? Haha idk…
Next:
--Relations with parents are doing well. They still love me. They appreciate me as a person and everything I bring to my family. Due to this I feel welcomed at home, perhaps more than I ever have.
Problem: I have yet to discuss my homosexuality with my dad since our shitstorm of a conversation.
Problem 2: I haven’t talked to my mom about I that much
Problem 3: I don’t know if my mom believes I’m gay… apparently I’m too masculine or something. Maybe if I start wearing mascara and high heels she’ll get the picture?
Problem 4: My siblings are in the dark regarding my orientation… and when they find out the shit will hit the fan
Problem 5: Is my brother gay?
Alright problem 5 deserves discussion:
Ok I have no solid reason to think my brother’s gay. My brother is entering HS next year, and is a chill dude—different than me in some ways, but very similar in others. I think we’re both the kind of people who have a very deep capacity for empathy, feelings, and thought, but we like to hide it. We censor our actual thoughts and bottle up our feelings. We do this not because we think our feelings or thoughts are wrong, but because we know many people our age and maturity level wouldn’t have the depth to understand us. I see this trait in my little bro…
Anyways, him and his friends were talking tonight… I heard one say, ‘_________ didn’t you say you have a gay cuz?’ my bro replies, ‘yea…’ He looks at me as to ask if my cuz is gay. I nod my head. Then his friends begin talking about gayness, albeit in a very junior high manner, but their words were potentially cutting. ‘that’s weird,’ ‘who would do that,’ ‘so and so is gay I saw him kissing a dude [meant as an insult]’ now all throughout this little discursion my bro didn’t say shit. Hmmm… now when I was his age I wasn’t thinking about homosexualit… however, it’s not an uncommon age to come to some sort of sexual epiphany. Then the thought struck me that perhaps he could be gay… what if he is? He’s probably freaking out right now… way worse than I am.
I know that there is a potential genetic componenet to sexuality, perhaps he picked it up to? There’s also something about birth order too, the more older brothers u have the more likely u are to be gay… which would mean he’s more likely to be gay. I’m pretty gay (as in I’m severely and exclusively attracted to males), so that can’t be in my bro’s favor as far as being a het goes…
So if he is gay, my coming out to him would be a huge ass relief… just a thought. He wouldn’t have to go through half the shit I went through (tho he would still have to deal with a lot).
Idk just a thought… It would be kinda funny too if 3 out of the four males who were grandchildren of my dad’s dad ended up being gay… and who knows the other male is still young, what if it were all four!!! That’d be redic…haha
Ne ways,
I’m doing better and I’m gonna go to bed
Expect to hear from me in the short future.
Oh and btw u gays rock!!!
Peace
Jordy
