Looking

So yea, it's been a while since my last post. That's mostly cuz nothing eventful has happened. My life is pretty boring right now. Most days i just sit around the house surfing the net for jobs and unsuccessfully attempting to motivate myself to take the necessary steps towards me getting a job/more interesting life....

but yea i'm sitting in the house a lot and it's boring... i don't have much social interaction these days which sucks, cuz for the past 4 years i've been surrounded by people, and although at times i got very sick of these people for various reasons it was still good having people around. Now i'm more or less alone.

I need a bf or something.... anything... just a friend would suffice

Although i have to say this whole being a lone thing.... it has grown on me in a strange way... meaning i'm starting to forget what it was like living with other people. I'm forgetting what it's like to accommodate others into my schedule, and what it was like to give up my personal space for others, and how to listen to an upset roomie even when you wanna go to bed... so now when i have people visit or when i visit others i get annoyed quickly and find myself wanting more time to my lonesome.
i mean these may be annoyances... but learning to deal with these annoyances is actually how i've learned to be a better person... it's how i've learnt to relate to others and build meaningful relationships


but lately i've just straight up been tired... really tired. sleepy tired, but also just exhausted in a sort of deep sense...

to be honest i think it's a sort of depression which was caused by all the events of last year (and the previous 3 years)... i think depression can leave scars on out minds and oour physiology, and it has on mine. It's not that i'm conciously depressed about anything either... it's like my bodies depressed, or i'm subconsciously down. I just feel tired a lot and don't really enjoy things as much as i have in the past. Like i'm not working out as much as i have in the past, i don't enjoy eating, my sex drive has disappeared, and i don't really enjoy having friends around that much. I'm kinda sick of everything under the sun...
I think i really need to find something worth living for.... something to instill meaning into my life and into the world again for me. not sure what that is gonna be so i'm still looking....
looking for a job, a bf, and a little more meaning in life


and oh, btw i also started taking anti depressants... it's an ssri. i've had some panic attack issues too lately. I've realized that i'm at the point where these meds are needed in my case... my body needs whatever chemicals are there that help you sleep and help you eat and help you enjoy the things you used to enjoy.... so i hope they help that out.

I wouldn't say i'm dangerously depressed, or even close to it... i'm more just in a state of lethargy.... a state of disillusionment with life. but i need to find work to make money and i do want to find meaning in life again... i do want to feel value again... so i'm working on it and i'm making strides in the right direction.. that's what life is about right

and after all the shit i went through last year.... well i figure i should give myself some grace in terms of not having my shit together at the moment, but at least i'm working on it....

i'll post soon about my fam/friends and coming out sitch with them...

peace be with you

jordy




ps with regards to my last post... it wasn't really a serious post... in fact i think that gay relationship could be quite a beneficial thing to society so long as society learned to utilize these relationships.... i don't want to go into that now... suffice to say that i didn't mean to offend anyone and was mostly looking for all y'alls reasons as to why being gay is a positive thing for our society.

Whatever Gets You Through the Night

Last night was rough. Everything I had been dealing with finally caught up to me and I had a crisis. Anxiety, headaches, stomach sickness; my body and mind were taking the toll for the turmoil in my life.

This sudden onset may have been due to the fact that I had a paper due this morning which I need to complete in order to graduate. The paper was originally due several weeks ago, but with coming out to my parents, Aaron, ect. I was too emotionally distracted to invest any energy in completing the paper. My teachers had noticed a decline in my academic performance and were very concerned, so they gave me an extension due to extenuating circumstances (note to you younger guys get to know your profs in college, they'll save your ass when you need them). Anyways, I really needed to have this paper in by today or I'd fail.

Last night I was freaking out because I was so tired and depressed and didn't think i had the energy to complete the paper.

But... I pulled through
That bitch is done... stick a fucking fork in it!

how'd I do it? Honestly I am not completely sure.

Although, it may have something to do with the nicotine and alcohol....

So basically I was freaking out and I remembered talking to my mom earlier that night. I asked her what anti-anxiety meds do to your neuro transmitters. She said they emit a blocker (gabba i think???) which blocks your other neurotransmitters and effectively deadens your nervous system. Half in jest and half serious I asked he why I shouldn't just drink booze. She said it's effects are to acute and not sustained enough... for normal life...

I also remembered that stimulants tend to help those with attention defecit disorders...

So i went to the gas station at about midnight

two cigars and a few shots latter my paper was done...
wtf happened... I don't know.

Part of it too was I realized that I HAD to get this bitch done. I kicked it into gear. Got some booze and tabacy to calm me down and just did it. I may or may not have taken a porn break. I did fall asleep at seven in the morning, but i woke up in time to put on the finishing touches.

I'm proud of myself and I feel sooo good now that it's done.

In fact I'm like a thousand times better than I was last night.

I checked my grade on the paper just now I got an A... suck it


At about three last night i hit a writers block so I took a break to go smoke and drink. I climbed out the window onto the roof with a half full glass of rum and a cigar. It was possibly the most beautiful night I've been witness to in a while. There was practically no wind, the city was silent, the sky was jet black, and the stars shone bright, even for being so close to the city. 100 proof Captain Morgan with a cigar is quite bitter at first, but my mouth was quickly numbed. The plumes of smoke circulated around me as I slowly finsihed the cigar. It was so calm a night I was blowing smoke rings (something which I forgot I could do).

As I was laying on the roof facing the heavens I had the thought that perhaps things would turn out alright. If you look into the stars long enough you can get lost. You forget yourself, where you are, all your pains, and even to a degree your hopes. You see that the universe keeps going on with or without you and that things will be beautiful even if you fail and even if you succeed. Perhaps I was experiencing God's grace or maybe it was me taking a step closer to nirvana... then again it could just be the booze. Regardless of the cause of my new found state of bliss and release I felt assured that things would work themselves out, and that if I did my best and stay true to myself things will come together.

I'm still feeling better. Now with that paper done I can do away with performance anxiety and focus more on personal issues. I can also start working out regularly again... which will greatly help my mood out.

I am still gonna go to a pyschiatrist and get evaluated for ADD, depression and anxiety. I think drugs may be able to help stabilize my mood, and if nothing else hopefully they could get me some meds for my ADD.

So yea, I'm feeling better and a little excited about the future.

random career thought: I'm gonna go apply for a job at a small guitar shop downtown for next year... That'd be awesome because I really love guitar. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but i'm pretty good at guitar. Tonight my sister, who is very musical, said that I'm the best guitar player she's heard in person... and now that i think about it I have run personally across maybe one or two people who were on my level or better. So I might have a dec shot at getting a job there.

Thanks so much for all your comments, concern, and words of wisdom. It's good hearing your thoughts and knowing that people out there care.

Alright I'm gonna go to bed,

Much love and keep it real,

Jordo