Some Dreams

So this post is not about anything that has actually transpired in my life. Instead it is a portrait of things which I wish were the case.

In case you haven't heard about how my father reacted when i came out read the previous post.
This is what i wish would have happened the morning after told my mom I was gay.
________________________________________

As i woke up that morning life seemed hazy and surreal. "Mom I am gay," did those words really come from my lips? How did I find the strength to say it? I thought that maybe I was still dreaming and I'd wake up and find nothing had changed. But my churning stomach and screaming headache evidenced that I was not asleep.

My mom took the news well but telling her had only intensified my anxiety. My mom was not who I was worried about coming out to. Mom has always wanted me to live a happy life. It was dad whom I was so nervous about coming out to. How would he take the news? Would his religious beliefs stop him from accepting me? Would he be disappointed in me? These are the questions that burnt in my mind and churned my stomach. These are the questions which kept me from coming out to my parents.

As I was laying there restlessly examining the source of my anxiety my phone rung. I froze in fear. Those few seconds felt like an eternity. I came to my senses and looked at my phone, dad was calling. I my stomach got weak and blood rush to my face. Reluctantly I answered.

"Hello"
"Jordan, it's so good to hear your voice, I've been worried about you."
"Dad, I'm so sorry I didn't tell..."
"Don't be sorry about anything, you have nothing to be sorry about. I'm happy that you felt you could finally be honest with us. I have to say that I'm sorry if we did not clearly communicate to you that we love you no matter what. I want you to know that we just want you to live a fulfilling and meaningful life, and I've come to realize that living life as a gay man is a part of that for you. One day I hope you can find someone to share your life with just as mom and I found each other. I am not ashamed or disappointed in you, and I never will be. In fact I want to celebrate your coming out and the beginning of your life as an out and proud gay man. You free for dinner?"
"Ummm Yea, tonight?"
"Sure mom and I will be there. How does steak sound?"
"Great"
"Thank you so much for loving me"
"Don't thank me, I'm just doing what I should by rejoicing in the gift that you are to us"
"I love you dad"
"I love you too"

As I hung up I felt a rush of confidence and hope. Perhaps being gay was nothing to be ashamed of. Perhaps I could come out to my friends and not fear rejection. My parents love and support of me in my identity and in my life decisions would serve as a rock for me; if I loose my friends at least I can fall back on them.

Dinner that night was amazing. It's hard to beat good steak and better wine. It's hard to remember everything that we talked about, but what was said wasn't all that important. What was important is that my parents were accepting and encouraging of my sexuality. It was important that they took time to celebrate me. Their encouragement brought me out of the despair I was in and helped me begin life anew, without as much fear and with a little more confidence than I had before. I am forever grateful.

_______________________________________

So yea that wasn't the response I received, but perhaps one day I will have such an experience. Who knows with time perhaps my parents will become accepting of who I am... Which brings me to my next dream...

So I've decided that affirming parents of gay youth are the coolest people on the earth. Though my parents are trying and intend well, they aren't what I would call affirming (at least not yet). I wish I could have cool affirming and perhaps liberal parents.

I've also decided I want a good looking bf who's confident and fun.

I've also decided It would be fun to have money, like leisure money... ya know, for plenty of good food, fun vacations (skiing, beaches, other continents), plenty of clothes ect.

So... Perhaps I could have all three....

This is what I need to do:
Move to a better state, like California, and find a good looking boyfriend whose parents are (a) loaded and (b) affirming.

Move in with his rents for a while and just bum off of them

Stay in the same room w/bf, wake up in the morning to delicious cooked breakfast, workout and play sports in the day, cuddle at night...

Damn that would be the dream life.

haha I'm so shallow...and vain

But yea that's my dream world... What do you think? could I make it reality?



haha

Alright

thanks for all your support, I have recieved many e mails from you all and they have been very meaningful. Your words inspire me and remind me that there are people out there who are affirming and will see to it that I do what's best for me.

Much love to you all, cuz you rock

Jordo

letter from mom

After I told my mom I felt really sick: my knees were weak, I felt dizzy, had a huge headache, and wanted to vomit.

I think it was simply from the adrenaline rush telling her gave me.
It was also because my coming out to her tonight was as big as a surprise to her as it was to me. That's right, when I woke up this morning I had no intention of coming out to anyone... and tonight my parents know.

I know she reacted well but still... huge shock even to me.



I was really shaken up earlier tonight so I called my old roomie Jeff and told him what happened and that I needed to hang out. So we went to a late night dinner and talked. It was good.

Among other things we talked about me coming out to Aaron, he said that he thinks Aaron wouldn't care at all and that he would still be my friend. I also told him about my crush on Aaron and he was pretty cool about it. He suggested that I just don't tell Aaron that right away. So yeah, Aaron's next on my coming out hit list.... it's like I'm building momentum

oh and as a side note i came out to one of the people that works in student life today as well.....

I don't know what got into me, but this long feeling like shit, eventually I had to just be like "fuck it all I gotta be honest"

so yea that's where I'm at

still gotta talk to pa, little nervous, but not as bad as I was before....

oh and here's the letter my mom wrote me after she told my dad

_________________________________________________


Dear Jordan, I told dad....and we both want you to know that we love you and always will. Eventually, when you're ready, dad would like to speak with you in person. At this point, we are not planning personally on telling anyone, even ______ [aunt] and ______ [uncle]. It will happen with time, but it's not really up to us to decide when or how at this point. I'm glad that you told me, really, and I hope that you can start feeling some relief from the mental angst that this has obviously been causing you these last few year. I guess I don't really know what you might be thinking about right now, but please don't see your last four years as a mistake. You have learned, you have grown, through the hardship, and through the pain. I guess I don't know what else to say.....except that I love you. You are still, and always will be, my precious son.

MOM

_______________________________


gotta love moms,

Much love

Jordo

Coming Out After Shock

So....

I came out to my mom.
Like 10 minutes ago

I'm in a state of shock right now

Can't really think straight

It went well

She said she loves me no matter what
and that she just wants me to be happy again

I told her (on the phone) because she was trying to figure out why I am so depressed

I told her i couldn't tell her why i was depressed, and that coming to my uni was the worst decision ever. She cried

then we hung up


then i called her back
and asked her if she would love me no matter what. She said yes.

and told her

So we'll see how my dad takes the news.

I'm scared and in a state of shock right now.

I may be terrified right now, but things may get better.
I guess if you pray, pray that my dad takes the news well... or if you meditate or whatever else people can do...

but seriously..
I am scared shitless and elated at the same time

I'll put up a better post about this whole thing latter


Jordo