In the Closet

So… If you couldn’t figure it out in the first post… I’m gay. Some gays feel guilty about their orientation and struggle with it for years. That’s not me. I’m fine being gay; in fact I don’t think I’d have it any other way. From the time I began to realize I was gay I haven’t tried to fight it at all. I realized that my homosexuality constitutes a large part of who I am—to deny homosexuality would be to deny the truth about myself. I couldn’t do that to myself because I realized that those who deny themselves are confined to live lives of illusion and self-hatred. So I couldn’t lie to myself, I couldn’t choose to feel guilty about it; I couldn’t betray my true self. Thankfully I had the courage to internally own up to who I am, otherwise I could have been pretty messed.

Unfortunately, internally owning up to my gayness is only half the picture. See, I like being gay, I like gay people, I wanna live gay and have a cute boyfriend whose caring and smart and makes me breakfast and cuddles and shit. The problem is that no one (well not no one….but probs 95% of the people I know) have a huge ass problem with me being gay—or at least I assume they would if they found out…..

So yeah I’m stuck in the closet, and it fucking sucks.

I guess I’ve come out to 5 peeps, and if it weren’t for these people I’d probably be in much worse shape than I am right now. I am soo grateful for the love and support they have offered to me.

Although it’s great being out to at least a few people it isn’t enough, especially considering that I spend minimal amounts of time with these people. The majority of my life is spent living with people who are still in the dark about my orientation—the majority of my life is spent living a lie.

The problem with living a lie is that after a while you realize that everything that your life has become was built of…well…a lie. You begin to see that the person your friends and family call to hang out with, show concern for when you’re down, or gossip about when you’re not there isn’t you. That person is an illusion, and for that reason any love that others might generate towards that illusion becomes empty. Their love isn’t real to me because it isn’t for me, it’s for some illusion I’ve created—it’s built on a false pretense: that I’m NOT GAY!

I’ve come to accept that if I were to come out at least %50 of my friends would ditch me and most others would loose a lot of respect for me. It is that knowledge that sticks like a thorn in my mind, constantly reminding me not to trust the love and warmth I feel from my friends and family. How can I trust their love if I know it would be shattered so easily? I can’t. Which is why I’ve come to feel that hanging out with my friends, chilling with the fam, and trying to develop relationships while still ‘in the closet’ is inherently meaningless.

So I’ve come to realize that ‘coming out’ is the only way I can bring meaning back to my life.

But here’s the catch; I really respect and cherish my family and friends, and I’d rather have the illusion that they love and respect me than to have no love and respect at all. I feel alienated and alone because of my gayness, but I am dependent upon my image of straightness to secure my social status as cherished and loved. So I’m hiding in this closet cause I’m immobilized by the fear of loosing what I have. But being stuck in the closet isn’t how anyone should live—it’s a life of desperation forced on us by social pressures beyond our control.

I’m fucking sick of it and I want out—I suppose that’s why I’m writing this blog. I’ve gotta find a way to externalize my homosexuality, even if it’s in small steps. I’ve gotta have the balls to step out and be myself, otherwise I’ll slowly wither and die due to lack of love and lack of expression.
I’m not gonna lie, I want a boyfriend, I want to hit on cute guys and not have to hide it, I want my friends and family to know the REAL me and love that person, because only then will their love take on meaning—only then will their love be directed towards me and not some illusion.

So this blog is the story of my life while I’m in the process of coming out. It won’t happen in a day or even a week, it’s gonna take a while, cause I am not ready yet. But thankfully this blog is a part of my coming out, it’s a small step towards the right direction. It’s a step towards truly being myself.

I may not be living out loud and proud yet, but at least I’m thinking out loud.

peace