The Meltdown

In my post When I realized… I detailed the development of my sexuality up to the point I realized I was gay. That was two years ago. So I’d thought I’d write a post about where I am right now and how I’ve gotten here. I started writing this post, but then realized that it was going to be way too long and so I split it into two posts. The first one is All About Aaron talks about how I fell for another straight guy during my junior year… ugh! This one deals predominantly with some of the depression I’ve faced this year (my senior year) as a result of being in the closet. I suggest you read All About Aaron first if you want to fully understand this post, but if you value expediency over detail then this post will make sense on its own. This post may be another long one, but after it my posts should shorten up significantly… maybe…
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To kick things off… in a comment Kiwi asked how I coped with the realization that I was gay.

I should first note that although I have been raised in a homophobic environment and I go to a Christian University I haven’t ever really felt guilty about being gay. Once I realized it I just knew it wasn’t wrong. Why? Because I knew it was a big part of me—not a part of me that I chose, but a part of me which has always been there. I saw my homosexuality as an intrinsically good thing. I somehow understood that God had made me gay, perhaps even for a reason, and that he loved me as the gay person I am.

At first it was an exciting time in my life. Internally recognizing my homosexuality helped me understand myself a whole lot better: it explained my depression for the last year or so regarding Luke, it helped me understand the motivation behind a lot of my actions, and it helped me see what I wanted out of life. It was exciting because a realm of possibility opened up. I realized it was possible for me to live life as a gay guy: I could go for Kyle, I could find another guy, I could finally learn to live as myself.

Unfortunately it wasn’t long until the weight of reality crushed my newfound excitement. Once the euphoria of my epiphany wore off I woke up to the fact that I was stuck in a Christian society which would not be so enthusiastic about the contents of my self-discovery. No one knew I was gay, but if they found out who knows what hell would break loose! So I did what any respectable Christian would do, I went underground.

I thought that I could put aside my homosexuality until I got of university and then I’d magically start living the open gay life I dreamed about—I turned out to be very wrong.

A couple things happened. Firstly, I fell for another straight guy [Aaron], ugghh! Secondly, I became friends with a group of people and started to legitimately care for them. Problem is that both the straight guy I fell for, Aaron, and my friends are all very homophobic. Fuck! At first it wasn’t a big deal. I was kind of like, “whatevs, these friendships are just temporary.” But when I realized that these people actually mattered to me and that if I were to come out to them my life would be taken down the shitter, that’s when I started to meltdown.

I didn’t really meltdown until the beginning of my senior year. However, the feelings of isolation and meaninglessness which resulted in my meltdown started accumulating at the beginning of my junior year. I started asking questions like: ‘would my friends accept me if they figured out I’m gay’, ‘what would I say to Aaron’, ‘would I loose my family’s support’, ect. At first these questions were easily put aside—I could focus on my newer friendships, just relax and have fun. But my fears only intensified as I grew closer to those around me. The closer I grew to them the more I realized just how much I could loose. On top of that I felt that all my relationships were disingenuous because my friends didn’t know the real me [I’ve talked about that enough in previous posts]. The meaning, security, and depth of relationship I desired drifted further and further out of my reach

Near the middle of last semester my thoughts and fears reached a critical point and I melted down. I was like a pot of water which was simmering for a long time and had finally boiled over. For a week I was incapacitated by depression. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t do homework, couldn't hang out with friends, couldn’t eat, couldn’t workout (and I usually love that), couldn’t fall asleep, couldn’t get up... It was pretty bad. I'd lost all hope. I’ve been depressed before, but never that bad.

I almost exploded and came out to everyone; perhaps things would’ve been better if I had. Instead I called up two trusted friends, both older than me, and came out to them. They were both people I know who would be accepting and have good advice for me. They managed to calm me down sufficiently and give me some hope. After those conversations I decided not to come out. I was too mentally unstable and don’t know if I could have handled the potential rejection. I didn’t want to come out and just bleed all over everyone only to be rejected. It was good to have some older and wiser people talk me through my problems—I don’t talk to them much, but I am forever in grateful for their compassion.

So I didn’t come out and eventually my depression lessened in degree, but I don’t think I ever really recovered from that meltdown. For one I’m still tired all the time and have one hell of a hard time concentrating on everything, I still feel lonely and isolated, and I still can’t find enduring meaning in many of my relationships here [I am out to a couple more people, but I’ll talk about them latter]. If anything I’ve emotionally withdrawn from a lot of my friendships, which saddens me. Even with Aaron I’ve emotionally shut down a part of myself so I don’t feel as much around him—it’s like I’m anesthetizing my feelings so I don’t feel the impending pain of rejection. So I guess lately things have just felt dull and dreary. Nothing exciting, nothing that I care about too much… it’s a really sad spot to be in.

Right now I’m just working on getting through the school year.


More than anything I want acceptance. I wish I could wake up one day and everyone would have magically found out (or always knew) I was gay and that they we’re all cool with it. If I’d meet some boy I could talk to my friends about it and they’d encourage me on, when guys are checking out chicks I wouldn’t have to pretend to be interested, when I fall in love my friends and family would actually be happy for me, when I have fun with my friends or family or begin to care for them I wouldn’t have to worry about loosing them due to my secrets, ect. If I could stop hiding my life would feel full, meaningful and secure. All in all I would be loved for who I am and I would love people out of that self. I just wish the world could be more like that—it’s my dream... not just for me by the way, but for all of us gays. Hopefully one day we won’t have to hide anymore and we won’t have to be scared of being rejected or harmed. Hopefully one day the world will truly learn to love us for who we are.

Unfortunately we’re still a ways off. Maybe someday...

Your Friend,

Jordo