In pieces

As of late things have been hard on me. Even before coming out to my mother I was a wreck. Couldn't focus, having head aches a lot, feeling sick, random fits of anger...

I think I'm suffering from chronic depression and anxiety... and I have a really hard time saying that. I feel weak and stupid, like once people know i'm hurting they'll reject me cause i'm too much of a burden... I have a problem being vulnerable, here and in real life. I want to have everything together, be the perfect athlete, scholar, friend, ect.
But lately I feel as though everything has fallen apart. For four years I've carried in my heart the secret of my sexuality and harbored there all the feelings of rejection and isolation that a homophobic society wishes to instill in me.

Every morning i wake up anxious, sometimes i don't even know why. I can't focus and my brain feels like its turned to jelly.

I think it's all cause of the stresses associated with being closeted person. Being closeted is a chronic stress which, as any chronic stress does, slowly eats away at you from the inside. I feel my state is continually getting worse.

Most people can't tell that things are wrong with me, cuz i'm really good at hiding it. I don't show emotion all that easily, which sucks cause i feel it easier than anyone i know.


idk where i'm going with all of this... it's a very disorganized post so sorry for that... i barely make sense...


All I know is it feels like i'm grieving... grieving for the potential loss of friends, grieving for my mental state, grieving cuz i fell apart academically, grieving cuz i feel like a total failure, grieving for the life I could have had if things had played out different, grieving for Aaron.....



anyways, onto the specifics in my life...

I moved out of my campus housing yesterday and am now living at home. the moving process sucked, but it's done

I have had to take incompletes in two of my classes because i fell apart at the end of school. I have until next fall to finish a couple of papers... which won't be that bad. In addition to that i'm supposed to turn in a paper tomorrow, but i can't think right now. I've been trying to work on it and my mind will just wonder off, or i'll start getting anxious again. I feel pretty sick and i just can't focus....

we ate dinner as a family tongiht. I just sat there silent the whole time. i couldn't talk i've been too stressed. Thoughts kept circling in my head and the impending thought that this paper is due tomorrow was haunting me. On top of that I kept on thinking about my friends...
Anyways my mom talked to me afterwards. she wants me to go see a pyschiatrist to get some meds to help me out for the time being... she's right it'd prbly be better for me... she's a psych teacher. she's awesome tho and just hugged me and loved me. She doesn't understand everything i'm going through but she's here for me.

anyways... Last night aaron, i and some friends went to see star trek. It was dec. but afterwards I just felt like shit cuz I feel like Aaron's been treating me like shit lately. he's been snappy and doesn't really talk to me that much... and it hurts me. after the movie was over i really wanted to hug him goodbye cuz he is leaving for home for a couple days, but we didn't hug he just high fived me... what is that? fucking middle school?

In general I don't feel like any of my friends appreciate me that much. I'm the kind of person that needs a lot of encouragement in order to function. I need people telling me i'm worthwhile otherwise i feel like shit. even if i do well at school, or sports, or whatev i feel like shit about it until someone affirms me... and lately i've been deprived of much affirmation... People also pick on me sometimes... I'm kinda slow and disorganized .... actually quite so ... and sometimes people give me shit about it, most of the time it doesn't bother me, but lately it has been. Especially when aaron does it.

Also, yesterday after star trek one of my friends said i was like spock... i don't express emotion... ouch
I try to be emotional and have fun and stuff.... but it's been hard lately cuz i've been thinking about so much, and i can't talk to everybody about coming out to my parents and shit.... so i spose they're right... I do feel very bottled up, like i have a lot of things to say and no one is listening...

I don't know where this post was going... i forgot.

but yea I'm struggling right now and I don't know what to do.
I feel like I've watched everything fall to pieces. My life feels like it's crumbling, and i don't know what to do.
If life were a video game i'd hit the reset button and everything would be alright, but it isn't... it just keeps going.
I need a break, and i need a person or people to live life with me who will take care of me and help me take care of myself.

Alright this is an end to a long and disorganized post

Jordo