If they only knew

I wrote this post this morning, but was unable to put it up cuz my internet was down. Sorry that its kinda a down post. Im doing a bit better, but i think the underlying problems i address here are still there
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So last night I felt pretty shitty. Dave and I were sposed to go 2 his bfs for a party thing, and I was out shopping nd told Dave I cud pick him up on the way to his bfs. I was shopping and using some gift cards so I had to stop at home first and I stopped by home and then had a huge ass ADD moment and got sidetracked by like everything in the world. I ended up being like 20 min late to Dave’s and felt pretty shitty about it cuz it was his first time seeing his bf in a bit… That and Dave works in the morning so we were already gonna be leaving early.
I felt like bad about being late the whole night… It’s kinda redic. I don’t even think he was that mad once he got there.

Its pretty ironic how I absolutely hate being late to things and letting people down by being slow nd stuff, but I do it a fair amount. Growing up my family always gave me shit (in a bad way) about not being timely and forgetting things. My sisters still yell at me cuz of my untimeliness.
So nowadays I’m still really insecure about my ADD issues…

I think one of the reasons I got down last night is because I’m beginning to feel that I’m becoming good friends with Dave and some other gay people and having people in my life that know the ‘whole’ me and like me for that person has made me a more happy and wholesome person. However, I’ve done my best to hide my ADD issues (bad organizational skills, horrible timeliness, lack of attention to detail, ect.)… I’ve also tried to hide my depression/anxiety issues too. My anxiety has greatly resolved as of late, but I’m still having some issues with depression (alho I’m much better on whole than after I came out to my rents).
Anyways, all this goes to say that I’m afraid that once people see the real me, they wont like me anymore.
I have this fear or linger suspicion deep down that if people really knew me for who I am, if all was laid out bare, they wouldn’t like what they see. Perhaps this suspicion was engendered in me from being in the closet, or perhaps because there are very few if any moments that I’ve felt at home in life. Either way the thought always lingers in my mind ‘if they only knew ____ they would ditch me’.
I’m afraid that if I open up to people I’ll only scare them away. That’s the prbly the sole reason why I don’t really let myself get too close with ne 1 and if I do I start to pull away, like how I’ve distanced myself from Aaron….

Authenticity; I think that’s what I really want in my life, but the problem is that I’m afraid if I’m authentically myself no one will like me.

I should say that ADD and depression really aren’t an integral part of me, they are more faults than anything… but I spose they are a part of me regardless… they are to my character like a blemish is to the skin.

Either way I’m afraid that people don’t need me and worse that they don’t want me, or if they do that their support of me could change if only they knew me.

To be honest I’m not really even sure why people like me, or if they do at all… I’m pretty insecure, but I do a great ass job of hiding it. I have yet in my life to have someone see me for all I am and be like, “amazing” or even, “great”. I mean my mom knows quite a bit about me and so does my dad, but I feel that they are really disappointed with me being gay and at best their rating of me and my life is like a B-….

At times like this I just feel like a bad person all around, and I don’t think I really have a good reason to either, I spose tho a lot of it is because I don’t really feel theirs anyone who sees good in me, who sees potential in my life or believes that I’m worth it. I don’t feel I have people who authentically care about my life and I think that any care people may show would be lost if only they knew the real me…

So yea sorry being all down sounding, but it’s just what was going through my mind last night, and actually even when I woke up this morning.

Peace
jordo

An awkward moment

So last night I was on a gay networking site and it ws late, prbly 2 30 or so. I thought my whole family was asleep so i decided to go on a gay networking/dating site in our kitchen. i dont really go on them that much ne more, but i was bored and couldnt sleep. I was also listening to my ipod so i was like totally oblivious to everything around me. It was one of those sites where when some one chats with you a box with their pic pops up. I like lost interest in the site cuz i was playing a game on my itouch and wasnt paying attention to it, but still had the site up.
So apparently when i wasnt focusing some guy with a nude pic of him and his big schlong pops up. Im like playing with my ipod and dont realize it. At this moment my sister (the one I'm out to) walkd by my computer. I look at her and say hi. Then i look at my comp screen and see a huge schlong....
My sister awkwardly walked into the other room, i knew she had seen the pic, i was def embarrased.
So yea i went and had to explain what had just happened and how i wasnt looking up sketchy pics of slightly unnatractive men and that I wasnt hooking up with ne 1 and that i dont have naked pics of myself online.
She was super cool about it and was like, 'yea i know you i figured it was something stupid like that, dont worry i dont care... it was def less awkward than when i walked in on mom and dad having sex two months ago'
so yea my sis is pretty cool. She's like totally cool w/ the gay thing and we even talk about guys sometimes. She's awesome, love her lots.
Still was pretty embarrassed and felt like an idiot. I really need to be more careful, if that had been my mom, or like my little bro... shit that'd be bad.

Alright I'll post latter

Jordy

ummm...

Yea not sure what to call this post cuz not much exciting has been happening in my life lately.
Well actually thats not true, but the thing that I could post about im gonna write up latter and you can read about it then.
Let's see, what have I been up to...

I'm working out a lot and seeing some progress which is nice. this huge dude at the gym (not cute, think like power lifter) told me I was obvs doing well at lifting and a strong guy which I took compliment to. I'm pretty strong for my size and am proud of that. I'd like to start working my lower body more, but the problem is with all the runing i do my legs are always sore, prbly gonna cut back on running for a while and maybe do more swimming for cardio.

Yea and last night there was this cute guy who was pretty short, but he had a good face and was developed muscularly... but he fucking amazed me at how much he was lifting... like benching insane ammounts for someone his size. he asked me to spot him on bench nd so i did... wish i wuda struck a conversation up, i said a few words, but it wasnt enough. i was like checking him out the whole time tho, nd i def was getting a little worked up if you know what i mean haha.
hopefully i see him again nd he ends up being gay.

in other news, and old news at that, im like wanting a bf. its bout damn time i got one. But i'm in that awkward place in my head where i start thinking that maybe I shud hookup with someone even though i'm not sure id want to... idk
its hard trying to figure out the right and best thing to do sometimes.
The biggest problem Im having right now is that all the guys im attracted to just wanna hookup, nd i dont necessarily.

other than that.... ummm... yea
just ben chilling and living and eating. getting ready for christmas, it should be ok, but nothing spectacular planned.

alright im gonna go eat
peace
jordy

Mad Skills

I saw Invictus the other night, it was sick in a good way. It's a great historical movie and really shows the dream mandela had for post apartheid south africa. It was impressive how this film packed so much political and social meaning into a movie which predominantly followed a national rugby team... very cool.
but yea it had sick rugby in it too. Go see it if you haven't already.

so yea i thought id take some time to post some sweet rugby clips nd talk about rugby nd shit.
b4 i get started let me say some important things about rugby.. btw skip over this 2 the vid if u dont wanna read about rugby
1. u cant pass the ball forward, only backwards.
2. everyone infront of the ballcarrier (of ur respective team) is offsides.
3. there is absolutely no blocking or ne thing resembling a block.
so yea all this means is that if u have the ball ur the target, no one to cover for u and ur the first one onsides.
defensively speaking teams will line up in straight lines and run at the offense in a line so as to cover all the possible areas the offense cud attack in. this means that almost every1 on ateam is in the defensive line (besides a fullback and probs 1 wing). which means that if the line is broken its a big deal... b/c there is are like two people covering all the space behind the line. like a line break cud be a 50 m run or a try depending on how fast u r.
offensively speaking peeps line up at angles so that the person closest to the ball is the furthest up on the field. Offense is all about depth and deception in rugby. U have to have ur guys deep so they have time to get enough speed in order to break thru the line and u have to be sneaky about who u give the ball 2 and how u get it to them. if u can make some 1 in the line commit to u when they shudnt u they might leave a hole in the line and then if u can get some 1 to be running towards that hole with right timing u can quick pass it to them as they're busting thru that opening... so yea rugbys all about timing and deception.. at least in the backline.. which... um i dont want to describe right now...
and oh yea in rugby u have to actually touch the ball to the ground in order to score a try... u cant score by just walking into the inzone... it is what a touchdown actually sounds like.

so in invictus they show Jonah Lomu who plays for the New Zeland All Blacks (i hate the all blacks for no good reason btw... i think they're cocky and they choke all the time). He was for lack of a better term a juggernaut... he just ran over who ever happened to get in his way.
for those of you who dont know rugby, so like all of u... Lomu played the position of wing which is # 11 or 14 (for right nd left wing), nd yea in rugby each position has a number associated w/it... usually wingers are like ne where from 195 lbs to 215 ish lbs... but they have to be fast, hopefully the fastest on the field, and be agile. They dont get the ball often because they are on the edges of the field nd its harder to get the ball out to them before the opposition can stop the ball from progressing further out. when they do get the ball tho their job is simply to score. generally they're already moving at a good pace when the are passed the ball so already have a good deal of momentum... the wingers finish the deal and are supposed to make big gains in yardage (the wings also have other jobs especially w/ kicking nd kicking defens, but thats another story).
ne ways so lomu was 275 lbs and 6 ft 5... a fucking giant. Imagine tackling someone who's 75 lbs heavier than u and is at least as fast as u r... that's what it was like for the poor fullback and wingers who tried to stop Lomu. he was an animal and he had a nack for keeping his feet moving. that being sed i'm not sure if i like his playing style, but it makes for a good youtube vid.

watch the full thing serious, its redic



alright so in stark contrast to lomu i'll show shane williams, a welsh winger... he's also redic good, but like tiny. 175 lbs and short. Whereas Lomu runs thru peeps Williams runs around them. shane is also a winger and pretty much always wears the left winger jersey #11. Its truly amazing how quickly he can change his lateral motion. perhaps its his low weight or his height nd speed... idk, either way he can move like its no ones business, he's pretty speedy too. he makes great rugby players (who are like 50 lbs heavier than him) straight up look like fools. Shane was awarded rugby player of the year in 08. oh and dont mind the music for this clip... it's like super gay haha. it was the best vid i cud find tho.



alright so for those of you who actually read that thanks if not, oh well... it was boring.

in other news my stomach is finally feeling better from sunday night haha... not gonna drink for a while again...

jordy

A Good Catch is Hard to Find

So yea... was gonna post sooner, but my social life has been hopping lately haha... sorta...

umm last night I drank way too fucking much... I lost count actually... my stomach still hurts from the shit I drank.
Dave and Ben were going out to a gay bar and so was this new dude whos their friend (who might like me)... lets call him A. And then this guy that i mentioned in the last post that likes me was there too... lets call him B
so yea A and B actually had met online before, which was awkward. B came with his friends who are gay, but ended up following me around quite a bit, obvs trying to get closer to me... ahhh... not working for him...

ne ways i didnt have to be up that early today, so i was kinda like in the lets get drunk mood for no specific reason. So was Ben cuz he didnt work either. So him and I got blitzed. Him moreso than I cuz he's smaller, but I was def feeling it.
so yea there was an incident with gin and vodka that I dont really want to dwell on. lets just i drank a couple mixed drinks w/ predominantly gin in it they were pretty strong too...
I hate gin so fucking much, its straight up like drinking a pine tree. I cud like still feel it in me today and felt like a fucking christmas tree the whole day... people shuda been hanging ornaments on me haha. oh and my pee smelled like a boy scout wreath.

I have no idea how i made it thru work 2day... no idea haha

But yea last night was really fun. Oh and the guy i made out with during the summer was there... it was kinda awkward...

so.... to the title of this post, people keep on telling me I'm a good catch... like everyone haha... in blog land and otherwise. last night when Ben was drunk he said something pretty meaningful to me. He sed he respected me for being a virgin and that if i threw away my virginity on an asshole hed be really dissappointed. He told me I'm a good catch and better wait for one likewise. he suggested that my hand is enough for me right now haha.

But yea I think a lot of gay guys have a period where they like hookup with people or at least have at times had sex w/o thinking about it... some of them really regret it and they generally are like really impressed with me and say they're jealous. I mean I kinda am jealous of them cuz i'm so horny a lot and just want that physicality, but I think its good to hear from a friend that I'm a good catch and that I'm valuable as a person... that he wud care enough to tell me not to do something stupid, it meant a lot.
i think his words were something like, "I know you go home feeling horny and lonely and really want a guy, but it'll come to you, you're a lucky guy; good looks, smart, good personality, kind, and good hearted, you deserve someone as good as you. Wait and it'll happen, but dont throw urself away on someone who's not worth it."
Friday night I was hanging with them and was pretty down... I was lonely and like wanting a bf and shit and wasnt very social and i think my friends noticed, people notice that I want that companionship, but am not gonna go sleep around with a bunc o dudes. but yea his words were valuable and shows he's looking out for me.

So yea I mean now I'm just waiting around till i find a good catch haha. I spose I'm starting to be ok with that... i kinda thought that after coming out finding a guy wudnt be hard, that there wud just be quite a few hot, athletic, chill guys for me to date, but that hasnt happened. its hard to find good guys as friends and even harder as partners, but I have hope, i even wrote a song on guitar about it haha.

I'll let y'all know if I ever find that good catch, but till then peace and love bros

Jordy

This is Fucking Science

seriously, i need all ur votes in my poll to make it more accurate... everyone participate for the name of science.
and no, its really not a big deal, i'm just curious and like getting some form of feedback.

other than that... hmmm... this weekend I hope to see the movie Invictus. I'm really happy about the fact that a major hollywood movie staring two great actors is gonna be about the south african rugby team. The movie looks promising and it looks like there will not only be good rugby in it, but that it will also tackle issues such as racism and reconcilliation in a post apartheid south africa. I really dont know much about south africa and the apartheid, but i think it will be interesting nevertheless. check out the trailer and see the movie. If nothing else hopefully it will raise american's level of awareness regarding the great sport of rugby.
check it out


Also, Matt Damon is looking good for the movie haha

but yea go see it and appreciate the great sport of rugby.

if i see it this weekend i'll give a review or something.

hmmm... what else.. if u cant tell i've been doing rambling posts lately.
um theres some stuff with this kid i went on a few dates with like two weeks ago i shud fill ya all in cuz were sposed to hang this weekend and it might get awkward. we'll see tho...
the skinny is that he was into me more than i was him and wanted a relationship. kinda freaked me, but i think hes a cool kid and feel for him in a sort of empathetic way, so were gonna hang this weekend with some other peeps, hopefully as just friends. but knowing my luck i'll probably lead him on more by accident and it will be a mess... i'm a heartbreaker and i dont feel good about it.

Hellooo???

hey, just reaching out there to all you lurkers and everyone else haha
there r like 100 people who visit my blog a day yet only 35 people have answered my poll. Its totlly anon so respond to it and make me happy

other than that, saw blind side 2 night with some friends. Really good movie. it reminded me a lot of some of the work I've done with foster kids in after school programs nd shit... so many of them I cud like see the potential in but i knew they wudnt get ne where in life cuz there's no one there to care for them. Def makes me wanna adopt kids... perhaps someday.

hmm... besides that well... i'm realizing that the gay world (cyber and real) is smaller than the world at large. I've started adding gay friends on fb just cuz i'm risky like that and its weird to see all the mutual friends of various people. LIke this guy i dated a couple times last month... well call him drew is now fb friends with the guy i made out with in the summer... and drews also friends with one of my new gay friends... the internet means gays network like fucking crazy and all know eachother. it scares me cuz if i screw up and have sex with the wrong person, or dont have sex with them, or make out with the wrong guy, or break some ones heart, rumors will prbly spread like wildfire... whether thats online or in real life, people talk shit i'm sure. Kinda scary, makes me nervous to like even touch another guy haha. not really, but all i'm saying is that once u start finding guys the connections will be kinda weird and surprising.

i'll post again soon

Jordy

its late and i'm feeling lonely

so, it's late, and for no particular reason i'm feeling lonely...
like the romantic sorta lonely, like the I wish i had someone to hold right now sorta lonely. I'm not that discontented with my life in fact things are going pretty well... maybe its just cuz i stayed up so late, idkk.... maybe i stayed up so late cuz i'm lonely
this is not a coherrent post, but just me rambling..... i want a bf... or at least someone to care for. i really am lacking physical companionship right now and am getting pissed about it. Prob is I cant find anyone that is a) attractive enough and b) stable enough and c) not straight for me to have a relationship with.
Which is why i just wanna hook up with guys at times... or at least go make out with a bunch... but the prob with that is that i'll probs end up hurting people. people always fall for me too quickly and then things get awkward. i hate hurting people. that and i'll feel slutty... but hell maybe i just gotta forget about feeling slutty for a bit. idk, i'm very conflicted.
anyways, i'm gonna go try and sleep. this sorta thing doesnt usualy happen to me, especially lately, but i'm just venting some emotions
jordy

Crisis Averted

So, talked to Aaron yesterday, he seemed totally normal, so i doubt he found out... of perhaps he did and just doesnt give a shit. Still need 2 comeout to him tho, cant hide this forever, and I dont want to.

In other news I had a fun weekend... hung out with my friend dave who's gay and has a bf on fri night. It was chill we hung and went to the bars, nothing too eventful but good nonethless. Saturday was good too, worked out and relaxed then visited some HS friends. Sunday I woke up at like 11, did some errands, worked, worked out, then watched the game with dave and some other guys. Afterwards we went out to the gay bars and chilled. It was actually pretty fun, didnt really find anyone that I was into tho, so was kinda bummed bout that.
I hope you folks dont get the wrong impression when I say I go to gay bars because
(1) i'm not prowling the gay bars looking for a hookup and doing stupid shit to get in guys pants (2) I'm like definetely not the 'type' that goes to gay bars... like every time i go there people ask me if I'm straight, and sometimes its quite an awkward experience. To be honest the only reason I go is cuz now I've made friends who are gay and like going there. The friends I have made are legit and just guys... into sports, more masculine, and not the type of sleezbags that will take advantage of me. They're good people and its good to be around people I can feel honest around. They have good advice and watchout for me. These guys aren't really easy to find in the gay world, so I'm glad I happened upon them.

but yea, Dave has a bf named ben and, tho they have their issues, are a really good couple. They're insanely cute together and are both quite attractive. Cant say I'm not a bit jealous. Watching them be with eachother sometimes is good for me to see. The way they care about eachother reminds me that I'm not just looking for a sketchy hookup with a guy and would like someone there to care for, to hug, to comfort. At times I'm really close to just saying fuck it and going and hooking up, but my gay friends have all advised me against that and seeing that gay people can have stable realationships is pretty huge for me.
But yea watching them hug eachother last night reminded me of Aaron and how much I wished I cud hold him like that. It reminded that although I'm horny as fuck sometimes, that theres more to me.

hmm... in other news I'm up to 200 lbs of muscle and ran a sub six min mile last week.
I'm like in better shape than i have been in a while. I'm debating about whether or not i should play semi pro rugby or just get in sick shape for my own pleasure. I'm like addicted to working out, but wish i had a discipline to gear my training towards. I miss rugby and just team sports in general.

alright, peace and love folks,
Jordy

Is the Shit Headed Towards the Fan?

soo... make this quick cuz i'm sposed to go look for a tree with my family, but...
I woke up this morning and there was a post on my facebook wall written by a gay acquaintence which, depending on the knowledge of the reader, may lead one to conclude I'm gay. It didnt directly state my sexuality, just associated me with an organization...
It was up for 2 hrs, and I deleted it.
I'm kinda worried, but I spose by being around gay people and living a 'double life' I've been asking for it.
I'm worried Aaron might have found out
I need to tell him before rumors get out.
I really dont know what will happen, but to be honest the last person I really need to tell is Aaron, fuck the rest.

So... that'll prbly happen soon. need to clear shit out with him

I'll let you know how it goes
Jordy

My Dilemma

In regards to dating I've ran accross a sort of dilemma. I am conflicted between my desire for a long term commited relationship and my desire for umm.. physicality for a lack of a better word.
I'm at the stage of my life where I am starting to think more about my future, what I want to do, and inevitably who I can live it with (whether friends or lovers). Many of my close friends my age are seriously dating others and some are considering marriage, and I feel that I should also be looking for people I could potentially spend my life with.
But I have a problem with that...
I have no experience being in a relationship with another person. Hell, I don't even have any sexual experience. I'm pretty inexperienced all around and am not even sure what kinda of person I'm looking for yet. I'm definetely not ready to commit to someone in an LTR yet and think that doing so may be a rash decision given my limited experience.
I'm only starting to gain some of the dating experience that many of my heterosexual peers gained when they were entering highschool...
I have the emotional and life needs of a 22 yo, but the sexual and relational needs of a 15 yo... its not a good place to be... it means i have a lot of dating to do.

not only that... but I have a pretty radical fear of commitment. I'm scared of prematurely attaching myself to the wrong person for the wrong reasons. I'm scared of hurting others by being unfaithful and scared of being hurt in the same way.

I really want a committed relationship eventually, but I dont think I'm emotionally capable of having one right now.
But I dont just want to hookup with guys and become a slut, that's not my style either... I dont want sex w/o any sort of connection, I'd feel so gross about myself...
what do I need? Somehow I spose I'm trying to gain the dating experience I really should have had 6 years ago. But that's complicated by all sorts of factors... for example how slutty and deceptive other gay guys can be... the fact that most people seem to be interested in either really serious relationships or plain out be sluts... idk..
maybe i'm over thinking this thing. maybe i just need to find the right guy.

I'm pretty innocent for my age and really dont know what i'm getting myself into with the prospect of a relationship at this point.. but I spose I'll learn.

alright, I think this post was too long and rambly without any concrete examples, next post I'll talk about the kid who I dated several times and how he fell for me.

peace
Jordy

just curious... new poll

i'm really curious to see if there are other athletic gay guys out there. i have to say i've met very few athletes in my experiences with gay culture and even in my dating experience. I'm wondering if this is because of the actual statistical distribution of gay dudes, or if its because of a social construction...
its possible gay athletes find it harder to come out cuz no 1 expects them to be gay and they feel like they have 2 maintain that image... kinda how there were so few gay people at my school.... everyone was 'christian' and had to be 'straight' i didnt buy it for a second, it probs has one of the highest per capita closet rates.
soo... please fill out my poll and answer honestly

thanks for helping my curiousity out
jordy

A lot to catch ya up on

so, yea... been a while since my last post. I think i go through periods in my life where I really want to blog, but then I'll sit down to write something nd nothing comes out. so yea... sorry to those of my few loyal followers who may or may not be left.

but for any of you out there reading this... overall I'm doing well in my life.
I'll fill you in on the details of what's gone down lately in the next couple posts, but overall I'm feeling happy; I have a job now, been hanging with friends, going on dates, and working out lots. My life is in a better place then its been in for a while.

I'd have to say part of my happiness is due to the fact that i've made some legit gay friends. There was this guy on this one site who I found kinda cute so I messaged him. Turns out he has a bf, but is just looking for friends, so we decided to hang. Turned out to be a pretty cool guy. Fun, nice, and a gay guy I can trust to not take advantage of me haha (which a surprising amount of guys would). So i've hung with him and his friends several times. They're a pretty cool group of gay guys. They're not ur stereotypical fem gay guys (not that that's wrong), but several have played sports and they are just guys. Its been good being around gay guys who can understand what i've been thru, and people i can talk about who i think is cute and stuff without making others uncomfortable.

We go out to the gay bars sometimes which is fun mostly because the group of peopl I go with is a quality group. Going with people who i dont know well or are not quality is no fun, but when you know you have people who got ur back and will protect you from the countless ass holes at gay bars its a little easier to relax.

not gonna lie, there arent really many if any attractive gay guys at the bars... like seriously where the fuck did all the athletes go in the gay community.... probs still closeted. So yea the gay bars are def not a place for me to cruise haha, just a place where i can feel like i'm myself with friends.

other than that i'm not sure what to write at this moment.
still havent come out to Aaron and still have yet to get any action haha... maybe i'll find a bf eventually, prob is i'm too damn picky.
there was this one kid who kinda fell for me and i was kinda into him, but he was way more into me than i was him... so that made me nervous nd i kinda shut that down.

I'll post soon

Jordan