I feel that given the abstract nature of my last two posts I should fill in some of the specifics about my life.
As you already know I'm gay. However, I'm not your ‘typical gay guy’: I don't dress, look, act, or sound gay. I don’t have any of the 'signs' of being gay besides the fact that I've never been into girls, and I check out guys.
Unfortunately, in our society when people try to figure out if someone is gay they usually draw conclusions based upon his appearance and mannerisms and not from his actual sexual interests. This is why most people assume I’m straight and are genuinely surprised to hear I don’t have, and never have had, a girlfriend. They figure a decent looking athletic guy who likes sports and hangs out with a bunch of straight people couldn't possibly be gay. They quickly dismiss my apparent lack of interest in girls as just a sign that I'm really picky, or they invent some other bullshit reason to justify their belief that I’m straight.
It really frustrates me how stupid and clueless people are about homosexuality; they think there is some inherent contradiction in a gay jock, or an effeminate straight person. I feel like if I did come out to everyone they’d probably expect me to start dressing drag…
Needless to say I don't have to try that hard with most people to hide that I'm gay (although there have been some close calls—more on that latter).
As I said earlier I'm pretty athletic...well at least I try to be. I play for my university’s rugby team as a full back (btw rugby is the greatest sport ever invented), and played hockey and soccer in high school. I've been involved in sports for a long time, and loved every minute of it. I think I actually have an addiction to working out and playing sports. If I don't get physical activity in every day I'll get kind of down. Sports are my coping mechanism. Not sure if that's a good or a bad thing, but that’s okay because it's really the best addiction you could have.
I'm a senior in university and gonna graduate in two months…that's way too fucking soon!! I will be graduating with a major in philosophy and literature and have specializations in all other sorts of shit. I am on the track to go to grad school and study philosophy, theology, or any other of the humanities, but I don’t know if that’s what I want. I’d rather be a professional athlete, or a musician, or a model, or a ski bum, or something else. But I don’t know if any of those are plausible... I guess that I’m pretty good at academics, and could be successful in it, but I just don’t know if I have the heart to do it.
And oh yeah… kind of ashamed to admit this one….
I go to a Christian university. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good school academically speaking, and I’ve learned just as much, if not more, here as I would at most public institutions. However, the atmosphere here is hostile to gay people (among other groups of people). Don’t worry I don’t go to Bob Jones or some other crazy ass fundamentalist university (I hate fundamentalism). The school I go to is more moderate and doesn’t take sides in political issues (yes, there is a college democrats club on campus). But when it comes to the issue of homosexuality it really drops the ball. Most students are embarrassingly ignorant about homosexuality and think it’s a sin or gross, or both. I kind of wish I would have never come here in the first place cause then I wouldn’t have to put up with all this Christian bullshit.
On top of that there are only a few out gay guys at my school, and none of them are my type. I don’t even know where or how I’d begin looking for someone to date. There are some guys I think are in the closet, but you can’t really tell until you ask. So yeah my romantic life is pretty shitty right now.
I don’t think coming out would be so hard for me if I wasn’t submersed in a Christian atmosphere. My parents and friends are all Christians and have been raised to think that homosexuality is a sin. I honestly don’t even know what would happen if I came out, but I feel most people would reject me or try to ‘fix’ me.
My cousin came out a several years ago, when I was in my early teens, and my dad, along with the rest of my family, was getting all concerned with the eternal fate of his soul and kept on denouncing his ‘lifestyle’. All I wanted to say to them was, “who gives a shit! You really think God’s gonna keep someone out of heaven cause they’re gay?”
Since that whole incident (which was before I really figured out I was gay) I have felt that homosexuality isn’t wrong, and that gay people are the one’s whom should be the least judged and condemned out of everyone because we are already the victims of so much hate and discrimination—if anyone deserves grace it is gay people, not Christians.
Anyways, all that goes to say that the environment of my life is not conducive to help me grow as a gay man. Sometimes I want to ditch my whole life here and move somewhere far away where I’ll be accepted, but at the same time I still care for my friends and family here, and this is where my roots are. I just wish that they could accept me for who I am.
Well this concludes a rambling post with random info about my life—hope it helps you understand where I’m coming from.
If you’re gay and find yourself in a Christian atmosphere you should check out the link I posted on the side of this page called ‘a biblical affirmation of homosexuality’. You should also check out the book “Stranger at the Gates” by Mel White. It’s the story of Mel’s life as a closeted gay man in popular Christian culture. He used to be a ghost writer for Billy graham and Jerry Fallwell and all those chumps…that is until he came out.
I’ll post again soon.
I’ll probably post about the second straight guy I fell for…
Until then,
Peace
Jordo
Core memory unlocked!
5 years ago
10 comments:
oh jordo....
so much to talk about...
I know where you are coming from on Christianity. My mom is a born again religious nutter, who thinks being homosexual is both a choice and a sin. The environment i grew up in wasn't at all conducive to being gay. I am also very straight looking and acting. The only real clue that i'm gay is that i have never in my entire life had a girlfriend. Oh yeah, i check out guys too, but try to do it very discretely. I find myself in agreement with a lot of what you have said in your posts so far. It's good to know that not only are there others in situations like mine, but who also share a lot of common views. It's been a real eye opener reading peoples blogs and finding i'm not alone. And my own blog, like yours once again, i hope will not only help me, but others in situations like mine.
re: "It really frustrates me how stupid and clueless ************ people are about homosexuality"
please insert the word some or many at the asterisk line...
Yes there r many homophobes...some r even gay themselves...
BUT... there r many good str8 people who accept us queers just fine. And we can change minds if we try... and use some skill... and r as patient as we can be.
You may not have met too many... but they r real and their numbers r growing... fact!
You are not alone at all!!!!
we gotta get u some traffic...
heehee
steevo in cali
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Deadwing-
Agreed, it’s good to know that I am not alone. Reading other people’s blogs has been very edifying for me as well, and I hope it will continue to make me more confident so that one day I’ll be ready to truly be out of the closet to everyone.
As far as the whole Christian thing goes...the sad thing is that if most people really read the whole bible in order to understand the underlying messages in it of grace, inclusion, and radical love, they would be supporting gay people instead of condemning them. I deeply revere the Bible, it just pains me to see the horrible un-Christlike things people have done with it in their hands.
Other than that I’ll be checking your blog out, so yea…
Steevo-
Insightful comments…. I agree, there are straight people out there who would accept me, and a few already have. But I guess the majority of the people I know and hang out with aren’t the sort of people that are down with gayness (or at least I don’t think they would be). Which may mean I need to start hanging out with a different crowd…or…
As you suggested, I may need to come out to them and patiently wait for them to change their minds. I think knowing a gay person is what really changes minds and hearts, so my coming out could be very powerful in that regard.
However, I also know, especially from experience with my cousin, that when someone comes out people don’t have to change their minds. There’s always the possibility that I could get really hurt, which is why I’m scared to come out.
I think it may be worth the risk of rejection though, because if I don’t venture out i definitely won't gain anything. I’ll just be stuck in the closet, all alone and dejected.
I don’t want that, especially when coming out could mean getting what I want most: acceptance and love for the real me.
But I’m not ready to come out yet, I’m not confident enough.
Hopefully blogging will help with that
hopefully given some time and encouragement I will be.
And you're right, I'm way too hard on myself sometimes.
Thanks a lot for the encouragement, and let’s keep talking. I don’t have aim or msn or anything, but maybe I’ll get a g-mail account tomorrow for the purposes of this blog. if I do I’ll post it up
Till then
Jordan
yay! good job beating the gay stereotype! :D
you have really good ideas. looking forward to more of your writing!
"if anyone deserves grace it is gay people, not Christians." the point of grace is that no one deserves it. its not something you can earn or deserve
Anon-
i fully understand that it is oxymoronic to talk of earning grace.
If you notice the form of the sentence it is couched in hypothetical language, if anyone deserve grace, then gay people do, not christians.
I think it is fair to say that many christians think, even if they will not say it, that certain people are more deserving of grace than others. usually these christians think of gay people as outside of God's grace (at least they don't extend any grace in the way they act towards gay people).
i was just trying to turn upside down the normal conceptions of who is worthy, righteous, loved ect.
You are absolutely right. Far too many people use the Bible as a tool to condemn homosexuality, when the true message is one of love and tolerance. People tend to read the Bible and hear what they want to hear instead of absorbing the message contained within. Although i'm not really religious, i certainly respect others beliefs. But it is sad to see so many people who claim to be Christians act in such an un-Christlike manner.
Yus, lol, I picked it - philosophy AND english :P
Ugh, living gay in a Christian family in a Christian society. Tough. I know the family bit, I think a lot of us do.
No advice here, just support. You're doing well just voicing this stuff. Keep it up.
mmm, hot rugby boys. especially fullbacks and wingers. ;)
Okay, now I'm seeing why you found my blog. Hey, I hope it's a real help for you man. I don't know where you stand on faith now, if anywhere, but you can certainly find a lot to related to with what I've put down (I guess you've figured that out already!).
My family voiced the "fix" concern, but that died very quickly. I said, God made me this way, I'm not broken and I don't need to be fixed. And then I did the stubborn German thing like all those in my family do and wouldn't budge on the matter. :P
Man, as long as God's not judging you, what can anyone else say against you?
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