My Dilemma

In regards to dating I've ran accross a sort of dilemma. I am conflicted between my desire for a long term commited relationship and my desire for umm.. physicality for a lack of a better word.
I'm at the stage of my life where I am starting to think more about my future, what I want to do, and inevitably who I can live it with (whether friends or lovers). Many of my close friends my age are seriously dating others and some are considering marriage, and I feel that I should also be looking for people I could potentially spend my life with.
But I have a problem with that...
I have no experience being in a relationship with another person. Hell, I don't even have any sexual experience. I'm pretty inexperienced all around and am not even sure what kinda of person I'm looking for yet. I'm definetely not ready to commit to someone in an LTR yet and think that doing so may be a rash decision given my limited experience.
I'm only starting to gain some of the dating experience that many of my heterosexual peers gained when they were entering highschool...
I have the emotional and life needs of a 22 yo, but the sexual and relational needs of a 15 yo... its not a good place to be... it means i have a lot of dating to do.

not only that... but I have a pretty radical fear of commitment. I'm scared of prematurely attaching myself to the wrong person for the wrong reasons. I'm scared of hurting others by being unfaithful and scared of being hurt in the same way.

I really want a committed relationship eventually, but I dont think I'm emotionally capable of having one right now.
But I dont just want to hookup with guys and become a slut, that's not my style either... I dont want sex w/o any sort of connection, I'd feel so gross about myself...
what do I need? Somehow I spose I'm trying to gain the dating experience I really should have had 6 years ago. But that's complicated by all sorts of factors... for example how slutty and deceptive other gay guys can be... the fact that most people seem to be interested in either really serious relationships or plain out be sluts... idk..
maybe i'm over thinking this thing. maybe i just need to find the right guy.

I'm pretty innocent for my age and really dont know what i'm getting myself into with the prospect of a relationship at this point.. but I spose I'll learn.

alright, I think this post was too long and rambly without any concrete examples, next post I'll talk about the kid who I dated several times and how he fell for me.

peace
Jordy

Can't do this thing alone....

I've had a sense of loneliness come over me this last week or so, but perhaps sense isn't the correct term. It is more of an attendance to the fact that I have been lonely all along; perhaps for a very long time, perhaps my entire life. I have had many friends and been many places. I have experienced many things and helped many people with my life. But in the end as I look back I'm not sure if there's any time that I've had a sense of being together with someone... a sense of home and a sense of belonging. My entire life I have felt an outsider and at times have successfully numbed that feeling, but it persists within me.

I suppose what I'm looking for in a significant other is precisely that which I have been missing my whole life--the sense of being at home. I'm not really looking for someone who has a nice car, or someone who's fun, or someone who's famous... I can have many of these things on my own... but what I cannot seem to develop without another is the sense of being at home, the sense of being welcomed and loved no matter what.

Yes I'm still gay, but at times my sex drive dries up because my heart begins to focus on the more crucial aspect of being gay, namely our ability to connect, love, and truly care for those of the same gender. It is this ability to find value in another--to see a home in them--that is truly the most important aspect of being gay (at least in the long run).

Don't get me wrong I want the sex, but the sex is only a part of what I'm looking for. I imagine that hookups can be just as alienating as any other experience, they can make one feel that they are even more at loss and without a home.

so yea I'm sick of doing this thing alone and I'm not sure if I can fully flourish without someone else in my life. I think that committed relationships are such a fundamental part of human existence, and I really need to experience that.

But first I have to wade through the shit... the shit of a gay community which is so infected with insecurity and pathological practices that often men can't form committed relationships. The shit of countless men trying to take advantage of me and dealing with those who are attractive and alluring but all together incapable of loving others as they should.

Hopefully one day I will find what I am looking for, and hopefully they will find me.

Jordan

ps this song strangely captures my mood

am i gay?

seriously, like wtf...
I've met 5 guys for dates now (including the one guy I made out w/) and have not really found any of them attractive. The one last night was dec looking, but i just wasn't digging him. When i go out and meet gay guys I rarely find them attractive... like maybe 1/30. And right now i feel like I actually don't have a sex drive...
It's really bothering me actually It's like I don't want to do anything sexual with anyone. Maybe it's just cuz i'm tired, I'm not sure.
Also... Last night I found a pair of breasts somewhat attractive... like wtf! Sex drive, please be consistent.
It's weird cuz last week i was unspeakably horny and ready to get it on with guys.

But yea anyways. Last night was good just hung out with this new guy, he's pretty chill and could be a good friend, and maybe more if i start getting attracted to him.

I just feel bad cuz all the guys I meet or go out with seem to be into me and it's never reciprocated. I don't think i can really control who i'm into, but it's kinda frustrating that I'm not into anyone and seem to have no sex drive...

Another Date

So... I'm about to be off on another date... fourth one since I got back from this summer. We'll see how it goes, wish me luck. I'll let you know how it goes...
I'm turning into a dating machine btw... it's kinda redic

Dangerous Territory

So, meeting guys is turning out to be way more complicated than I anticipated. Apparently gay guys can be just as big as, if not bigger, douches than straight guys are. So yea... where to start...

Last weekend I met this guy through the internet who seemed cool. He wasn't that attractive and I knew I wouldn't be into him, but he wanted to go to the gay bars. I had nothing to do that night so I figured why not and went with it.
The guy was a good guy and I think I'm making good friends with him which is good. He's smart and is a very knowledgeable person when it comes to the gay world, among other things.
As for the gay bar... I felt very out of place there. I was a lot more muscular and bigger than everyone there. I was getting stared at quite a bit and if I would have taken up everyone on their offers to buy me alcohol I probably would have wound up in detox. Not only did I stand out quite a bit but I felt I didn't have much in common with the guys there. A lot of them, no offense here, were stereotypically gay... they talk in a certain way, wear a certain brand of clothing, and like the same music... Not that there's ne thing wrong with that... i just wish there would have been more gay athletes at the bar... but apparently those are quite rare :(
I saw like two hot guys in the whole place, so that was discouraging as well.

So yea that was last weekend. This weekend I was hanging out w/ Aaron his gf and another friend. We went to see a movie downtown, bu then Aaron had to take his gf home, which is too bad cuz i haven't seen him in ages. but whatevs. So i was already in the city when my friend from last week, we'll call him Drew, sent me a text saying I should go out with him to the bars with him. So I figured why not... I'm a pretty open guy to experiencing things and wanted to see if it would be different this time.

This time was quite awkward... for one I ran into the guy who I made out with last summer... we said some polite words but then he like ignored me... not sure what that was about. I got offered more drinks from drunk men who I'd never be interested in. I would meet people who would start talking to me, obviously interested, and Drew was next to me and people would ask if we're together and he'd say no and then it seemed like they all of the sudden turned on him and tried to steal me awya from him... i don't know if i described that well... but it seemed like there was a lot of manipulation and keniving... a lot of talk that was said wasn't honest and was intended more to get into someone's pants than to actually get to know people... it was very weird for me. I'm an honest person and don't like it when people lie or put out an image of who they are in order to manipulate others... totally not cool. I'm sure this isn't completely characteristic of gay bars either... straight guys are just as intent on saying whatever it takes to get into a chicks pants.

When I was there this weekend I also got approached by this middle aged guy who has worked in the modeling industry and thinks I should be a model... he seemed nice at first and actually prbly had legit references to get me into the modeling industry... but after a while I felt creeped out and like he was trying to get into my pants....
I've also gotten offered money for sex several times online....
Damn, what won't guys do to get some...
I really thought finding someone I liked would be easier. I thought once I started looking I'd just find someone to go out with... it really hasn't turned out that way and it is kinda frustrating... but i think i just need to be patient and wait for the right person.

Alright
peace out

Jordy

date with the second guy

So my second date didn't go much better than the first. The guy was nice and all, but as with the last date, I wasn't attracted to this guy in person. He has an athletic body, but he has some things working against him: he is shorter than me, prbly 5'8 or 5'7... i'm 6 ft, I just felt like a giant next to him, and couldn't at all imagine kissing him... I could probably pick him up with one arm and toss him across a room. The other thing that killed it was his teeth. He had some mishapped and mis-colored teeth--another reason i wouldn't want to kiss him.

Personality wise he seemed to complain about other people a lot, and I'm not a huge fan of people that bitch about others. He also was kinda stereotypically gay, which I'm not that into.

For the date we hung out at restaurant and went out and walked around the town. it was ok I suppose, and it was good to get experience dating a guy. Not to like brag, but I think I'm actually a good date, I ask good questions and try to make things fun.

As the date wore on I could tell this guy was into me more than I was into him, and so that whole, "oh shit he likes me, i gotta run!" mentality kicked in... If I'm not sexually into a guy it just gets awkward for me when they are. maybe this is my inexperience or it's just who I am.
I haven't talked much to this guy since the date... oh well plenty of fish in the sea, right?

A lot to catch up on

Hey there folks,
It's been a while, kinda fell behind in my blog. So much has happened in the last week or two that I have thought about posting, however I ended up not posting any of it because I got overwhelmed with how long I would have had to spend witting said post.

So I've decided to write about what's been going on but I'll be doing it in several short posts rather than a large one.

So... to catch you up to speed...
I've started dating guys and trying to get more gay friends. As of now the only real avenue I have of meeting guys besides walking into a gay bar is the internet, so I've been on some gay networking sites talking with people and setting dates/hang out times with.
I've decided that I really want to be in a relationship and I figure right now in my life is the perfect time for me to do so. I don't have the pressure of school and I'm free of a lot of people who would look down on me for dating guys. That being said i'm not just looking for anyone and won't be desperately throwing myself at anything with a penis... I suppose my standards are high when it comes to how guys look and, on top of that, a lot of the guys I have met so far I feel are (no offense intended here) more feminine. There's nothing wrong with that, i'm just not into it. Of the gay population there is probably a small percent I'd be into... which is fine, just means I need to be patient and really look around. It also means I need to meet more gay guys cuz they might have friends I'd be into.

so yea I've met three guys so far.
The first was kinda awkward, I met him through a friend I met on a social networking site. We went out to eat and just chatted He was a smart guy, med student, but I was not attracted to him at all... he just didn't do it for me--he wasn't as hot in person as I thought he'd be. He could be a good friend I suppose, but he seemed to be really into me... and I have this thing about how I hate leading people on and get really awkward when they're into me and I'm not into them... so I haven't really talked to him since last week.
I'll write about my second and third dates at another time...

btw i have a date coming up w/ a new guy that i'm pretty stoked for...

anyways peace out
Jordo