Closets, Sin, Coming Out, and Grace

It's early in the morning now and I can't sleep.

I've been writhing around in bed thinking about the place I am in my life. I'm feeling pretty shitty right now about my current status. I've spent 4 years at this university and don't feel like I've done anything of meaning with my life. I suppose I have been educated, I have done well in academics, and I've done well in athletics but it all doesn't seem that meaningful, it just doesn't seem worth it.

The thought that I've spent my whole college carrier hiding my true self and never truly expressing my feelings makes my stomach turn. Like WTF have I been doing? Often I wish I had never come here in the first place. I wish I would have come out right at the beginning of college and left this institution. I suppose I learned a lot, but the price I've had to be for being in a Christian environment has been worth what I've gained.

I don't even feel it was worth meeting my supposed 'friends'. These people often cause me more torment than relief due to their ignorant and intolerant viewpoints. Every time one of them makes a gay joke and every time I hear some one bashing homosexuality a little part of me dies inside. It hurts me to see how little people actually care to stop offending homosexual people. Even the administration at my school doesn't do shit.

All in all I feel as if I've screwed up the last few years of my life. I've failed to do anything concrete and meaningful with my life and only managed to skim past this time by using hollow friendships and a hiding my true self.

I know this is depressing, but It's how I feel and I want to be truthful to that....


Sooo... the potentially uplifting side of my post...

I was reading through some files on my computer and came across this one it's called You Are Accepted. It's a sermon by Paul Tillich, who was heavily influenced by Kierkegaard and Heidegger.

Now before all you atheists dismiss this as religious babble, I think that Tillich's formulation of sin as 'separation from each other' and grace as an 'accepting of oneself' is valuable to both theists and atheists. I could be wrong so don't hold it against me, but I thought it was relevant given my state and more generally our lot as gay persons.

I think it is easy given our social status as gay persons to feel rejected, scorned, undervalued, isolated, and even begin to hate ourselves. This estrangement is an aspect of the notion of 'sin' which Tillich explicates--sin is a separation from others as well as from ourselves. However there is hope for 'where sin abounds grace does also'. When we are afflicted by the pains and injustices of sin there is also a positive force in our lives (whether that be God, the Ground of our Being, or something arising from our hearts) which can communicate to us pure and unadulterated grace. This grace tells us simply that we are accepted as we are; we are accepted as the gay mother fuckers we are and nothing can change that. Even though society rejects us, even though religion damns us, even though we at times despise ourselves we are nevertheless accepted. For all of you theists out there it can be expressed simply by saying "God loves you". There is no after thought and there is no condition upon which that love is received, it just is the case that you are fine as you are.

I like Tillich's message, though I am not sure I can apply it to my life successfully at all times. Often I do not feel accepted. However, sometimes the light breaks through the clouds and I can feel that acceptance. I can feel again that life as-it-is is a blessing. Even though I may have regrets and even though I despise what my life has become in these moments I can be lifted up and suspended by grace--revived by the notion that my life is fine as it is, that I am loved and valued, and that nothing can take that away from me.

I'm not sure if I'm having one of those moments, but I really need it... And I dunno, maybe all that acceptance talk is just fancy words to make you feel better with no grounding in reality. But part of me hopes there's something more to it. I just don't know how to feel that acceptance all the time, especially when my environmental factors communicate the opposite of acceptance to me.

Perhaps what I really need to come out is the knowledge and feeling that I am accepted regardless of if others accept me.

Let me know what you think.

Jordan

If you look at porn don't leave it up on your computer

Given the title of this post you may be wondering if was outed do to the fact someone found porn on my computer. FYI I wasn't.... although that would sure make coming out an easier decision for me.

Last night Jeff and I (my roommate from last year whom I'm out to) we're driving in the car to go chill with Aaron. That's when Jeff was like, "I don't want to make this awkward so I'll just say it. I don't care if you look at porn on your computer, just don't leave it up there."

He was prompted to say this because he visits my place a lot and has a habit of using my computer pretty much every visit. Lately I've been leaving up my blogger windows on the computer... and well...i guess some porn... but anyways whenever he's about to use my computer I freak out and tell him that I have something I need to save on the computer and grab it before he can see all the shit I opened up. I do this because (a) I don't want him finding my blog (I don't know why, he wouldn't care, I suppose mainly cause he doesn't know about Aaron) and (b) I don't want him or my roommate (not out to him) seeing the porn that I look at.

So yeah. Apparently he used my computer while I was in the shower and found the porn I had up on it. That combined with the fact that I never let him look at my computer before closing some windows led him to think I was non-discretely looking at porn all the time. So he confronted me.

At first he thought that the only thing I had been doing on the computer has been looking up porn. So I hesitated for a little and then told him about this blog. I didn't give him the URL, and he even said he didn't want to read it and be intrusive. He told me he thinks it's a good idea and supports it wholeheartedly.

As an aside, I was kind of ashamed when he brought up the fact that I do look at porn. I'm not ashamed to look at porn on my own, but when the fact that I look at gay porn is externalized, I feel a little embarrassed. I suppose It's because of the social status of gay porn. In my environment straight porn is looked down upon, and gay porn, that's straight from hell. So talking about the fact that I look at gay porn made me feel nervous/ashamed/weird/uncomfortable, not because I think it's wrong, but because a lot of the people I know and have been raised upon (save Jeff and Chris and a couple others) would condemn me for it. That being said most people might feel a little awkward talking about porn with a friend, just because sexuality is something which is very personal.

As far as the porn goes though, perhaps it's not all that bad. I was raised by a culture which took porn to be the crowning glory of a depraved and morally degenerate society. Although there is truth in the fact that random sex isn't all that great, I have found that looking at porn has been a means of sexual discovery. I don't mean to glorify porn and say that it's the best thing since sliced bread, but after being raised in an overly prude enviroment porn has been a vesel of sexual liberation. I suppose you could even say that it has communicated grace to me; it has affirmed my feelings and hopes that our sexuality and physicality is not meant to be ignored, bottled up, and shut down but instead it should be celebrated and taken account of.

There is a tendency to over-sexualize everything or to not sexualize anything. Some people in our culture are err to the former, many Christians in our society are err to the latter.

Being raised in an under-sexualized environment I think porn has had the effect of moving me away from that extreme.... As Aristotle argues, there is virtue in moderation....

That point aside.... I look at more pics of hot buff guys in their twenties than i look at porn. There is something about a good looking guy which just makes my day a little easier....
exhibit a:


You think He's gay???
Does this mean I have to put an adult content advisory on my blog now? I hope not


oh... and some of you sent me e-mails... I greatly appreciate them, and I'm happy to communicate with you... I'm just kind of behind in responding them, so yeah, there'll be somewhat of a delay in my responses, but I'll get back to you, eventually.
Feel free to add me on msn chat tho, my screen name is my email. If you add me and i don't know who you are, it'd be nice if you sent me an email first so i have some kind of reference (If I don't know who you are I may not add you)

g2g,
Much love

Jordo

"Marriage= One Man + One Woman"-- unknown farmer

Before i continue to a long, rambly and offensive post i want to say a couple things first.

First, i can't access my Gmail right now because every time i log in it asks me to type in the letters i see (to make sure i'm human), but i never see any letters (help please...)

secondly, thank you to all of you have commented on my last post, it was good reading your encouragements and advice. I'll comment on them latter. you rock!

thirdly, i'm still not out of my rut, but i am feeling a bit better. I am feeling more self-confident if nothing else. I'm still really piss scared about coming out, especially to Aaron. but i'm moving along. hell i almost came out to some one the other night, really should've.

fourthly this post is gonna get long and has at times an angry tone... it also has some philosophical mumbo jumbo in it. i don't know if it makes perfect sense, but have patience with me. my next post will be a little lighter

for your pleasure
________________________________

Last weekend I drove through what would be considered 'hickville'. There were more cows on roids, big trucks, barns, cigarettes, Bush '04 bumper stickers, and mullets than I care to remember. There was a trailer oriented towards the highway to serve as a makeshift billboard upon which was written in red paint [or blood?]:

Abortion=Murder
Marriage=One Man + One Woman


I have a hunch that the novel farmer who set up this trailer intended to do more than merely state what he took to be the analytic meanings of the terms 'Abortion' and 'Marriage'. My focus, obviously, is what exactly was intended, implicitly and explicitly, by the second definition.

Explicitly speaking he is making a claim about the extension of the word marriage: that marriage properly extends only to a pairing of one man and one woman.

Implicitly it would be fair to assume, given the social issues surrounding marriage in our country that the farmer is also making ethical and teleological claims. Ethically speaking his position would undoubtedly be that marriage ought to be between a man and a woman, and furthermore that all sexual and romantic relationships which are akin to marriage ought to be between a man and a woman. Teleologically speaking his position would be that the only natural and wholesome expression of sexuality is found in marriage. Any sexuality which falls outside of marriage between a man and a woman is to be considered degenerate, aberrational, unwholesome, and absent of true human flourishing. To him there is something sanctimonious about a man-woman marital relationship which cannot be emulated by any other coupling of autonomous beings.

Besides being err to the naturalistic fallacy our fellow countryman’s position serves a purpose: to let the reader of the sign know that non-heterosexual relationships do not fit into the category of marriage, and furthermore are morally and socially reprehensible.

I suppose one could argue endlessly, and heedlessly, for or against the truth of said farmer’s position. Upon surveying the fact that many have laid out such arguments I will choose to abstain from such dialogue and instead talk about the actually effects of that sign and everything it stands for.

My position is that trailers painted in favor of ‘traditional marriage’, ‘traditional marriage’ bumper stickers, ‘yes on prop 8’ signs, and all other symbols intending to protect the ‘sanctity of marriage’ appear vitriolic to GLBT persons and as such are extremely psychologically damaging. It may also be added that such signs serve to condone, justify, and even encourage acts of hate and bigotry towards GLBT persons, but such an effect will not be dealt with in length here.

My evidence for my position is the actual experiences of actual homosexual persons, which include my own. Upon reading the sign ‘marriage = one man + one woman’ I was reminded that there are those out there who hate me for what I am. They hate me for being attracted romantically and sexually to men. To them I am unnatural, degenerate, unworthy, ungodly, unholy, sinful, and reprehensible. My desires towards men are not consider beautiful or god-given, but something which I have ‘chosen’ and should be converted away from. Furthermore I am reminded of the many who think that if I pursue a relationship with another man it will not and cannot be good, wholesome, loving, Godly, and conducive to my ultimate good as a human being—in fact I will ‘undoubtedly’ suffer hellfire if I should act upon my desires.

All in all when I read that sign I felt that I was less valued and even unwanted for being gay.

If proponents of ‘family values’ took damage inventory in an unbiased way I think that they would see that all their campaigning and advertisement has, besides from empowering bigots, severely psychologically scarred homosexual persons with feelings of guilt, hate, estrangement, and isolation.

I earnestly desire that such people would have to sit down and hear the stories of homosexual persons, read blogs like ours, and actually hear the pain behind all the banter. I wish that such pain would be uncovered so that the true injustice of anti-gay politics would be revealed.

The strongly held opinion that ‘marriage = one man + one woman’ and all its corollaries is not a mere idea with no outpouring into the real world. Instead it is an idea which directly affects persons, predominantly homosexual persons, in a negative way. It is the source of much psychological distress, sexual repression, and self-harm. It is the spawn of much hate, bigotry, and social discrimination.

When ‘family values’ are preached families will be broken apart.
When the ‘threat of homosexuals’ is propounded upon there will be threatened homosexuals.
When ‘marriage = man + woman’ is forcefully displayed meaningful homosexual relationships will be averted, loneliness will increase, and there will be many who are never married.

This is all due to the fact that such seemingly analytic statements such as ‘marriage = man + woman’ are not harmless ideologies, but socially meaningful statements which communicate hate and exclusion towards homosexuals

Enough of that rant

Jordan

Thinking Out Loud: The Begining

Perhaps it has sometimes occurred to you, dear reader, to doubt the correctness of the familiar philosophical proposition that the outward is the inward, the inward the outward. You yourself have perhaps nursed a secret which, in its joy or pain, you felt was too precious for you to be able to initiate others into it. Your life has perhaps brought you into touch with people of whom you suspected something of the kind, yet without being able to wrest their secret from them by force or guile.

--Victor Eremita [A pseudonym of Soren Kierkegaard], from Either/Or

I am living a lie. The way I live my life, the things I say, and the people I surround myself with would lead someone to develop an idea of who I am that is inconsistent with the person I know myself to be.

Socrates’ admonishment ‘Know Thyself’ could not be anymore useless to me. My problem is not that I do not know myself, but that I fail to live out a life that is consisten with the person I know myself to be. Socrates would have better served me if he explained how to ‘be thyself’. Socrates’ fatal error was that he assumed once a person comes to know himself it automatically follows that he will be himself—he assumed that the inner will automatically become the outer. But nothing has been more contrary to my experience. The inner becomes the outer only through a bold act of courage wherein one chooses to be oneself. What I lack is not knowledge but courage.

So I have chosen to write this blog as an act of courage. Given it is a very small act of courage to write a blog which no one I know will read. Nevertheless it is a step in the right direction. It is a step towards disclosing the inner to the outer—a step towards becoming myself.

I hope that in disclosing myself here I will not only be emboldened to live out of my true self, but also that this will serve as a sort of therapy, both for me and for the reader. I do not write merely for myself, but also for others who are in my situation. I hope that they will relate to my thoughts, find that they are not alone, and perhaps even benefit from my reflections.

So here are my thoughts and my stories which otherwise would go unsaid. Here I am giving voice to the inner that it may become the outer.

This is me trying to become myself.

This is me thinking out loud.