When I realized...

I was gonna post this last night, but had some editing to do.

I intended it to be about how I came to realize i was gay, but it ended up being more like a chronology of the development of my sexuality. Be warned, it's long.
without further ado, here it is
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The thought that I may be gay dawned on me somewhere between my freshman and sophomore year at university. I didn’t fully realize that I was gay until the end of my sophomore year. I know that’s late compared to a lot of guys, but up until that point nothing had forced me to recognize my homosexuality. I guess in some ways I am lucky because, realizing it at such an old age, I didn’t have to go through a lot of the harassment which younger teens go through. I still have had to face the feelings of depression and isolation which are resultant from being in the closet, just at a much latter age.
Before I talk about coming to the realization that I was in fact gay I am going to give a little run down of my sexual development.

As I have said before I never liked girls. Back in grade school when all the boys started having crushes on girls I was really confused. I was like, “WTF guys, what’s the big deal, let’s go play kick ball or legos or play in the mud, let’s not waste our time on these losers.” I couldn’t grasp why girls were such a big deal, mainly because I wasn’t at all attracted. It was the cool thing to have a crush and everyone was doing it, so eventually, after much prodding from my peers, I divulged the name of my ‘crush’. Of course I made up the fact that I had a crush on her just to appease my friends.

I can’t say that I remember having any crushes on guys in elementary school, or even in middle school. However, I can say that from a young age I have always wanted male companionship. I always longed for a best friend and cohort to live life, explore, and play with. I even would pray to God asking Him to give me a best friend (obviously a male one). I remember reading the story of the Two Witnesses in the book of Revelations and fantasizing about how awesome it would be to be one of the two witnesses; I could prophesy and have a companion at the very same time! (For those of you who don’t know the story, supposedly at the end of the world God will call two prophets/witnesses to preach against the anti-Christ) These longings were not necessarily sexual in nature, but upon reflection I see that they were romantic and as such were the pre-pubescent stirrings of my homosexuality. I wanted something more than just a neighborhood buddy, or the companionship of a sports team; I wanted something more intimate.

It wasn’t until high school that my sexual interest in guys really started to develop. I remember I would check out guys a lot. I had several crushes, but of course didn’t realize that’s what they were until much latter. All I was aware of was a collection of feelings: I knew that (1) they were really attractive (2) every time I got around them I would get really nervous (3) I wanted to get to know them better (4) I couldn’t stop looking at them. I never consciously grouped these feelings together and properly labeled them as symptoms of a ‘crush’, but that is what they were.

Although I started having crushes on guys in high school nothing ever materialized into anything more substantial than me ogling some good-looker down the hall. I never had sex, kissed anyone, or dated anyone (guy or girl for that matter). To others I appeared to have absolutely no sexual interest at all.

Once during senior year my friend joked about me being gay and part of me was like, “oh shit, I very well could be… that would explain why I don’t like girls and fantasize about guys.” But I kind of put that thought on the back burner for a while and focused on school, sports, college, and having a fun time. I do think that my high school friends suspect that I’m gay and have so for a long time.

Freshman year of college was rough for me (for unrelated reasons to me being gay). During the middle of that year I grew lonely and started to long for companionship. I had dreams about being with other guys and started looking for, though mostly subconsciously, another guy to be with. That’s when I fell for Luke. Luke lived on the floor below me and I met him through a friend. My first thoughts were, “this guy’s gorgeous.” He had dark hair, green eyes, a slim build, and broad shoulders. Not only was he gorgeous but he was intelligent and listened to what I said. At first we seemed to hit it off really well. So I pursued him, and fell for him harder than I have for anyone. I don’t want to go over the messy details of that relationship, but it can be pretty much summed up by saying that I was gay and needy and wanted a romance and he was straight but appreciated my friendship. When I was angry at him for not loving me like I wanted him to he would console me because he didn’t want to loose me as a friend. When he consoled me I was only led on further to think that a romance was possible. It led to a cycle of me being in love and me being very hurt. That went on until spring of sophomore year, at which point I essentially terminated the friendship because it was too straining. And that’s when I started to realize that everything which just happened in the last year may have been because I was a gay guy who had fallen for a straight friend.

However, this realization was not solidified in me until I met another gay guy. I still remember very well the first time I spoke with Kyle. It was the spring of sophomore year and rugby practice had just started. The first practice it was warm enough to run outside, so we went running to condition ourselves. Kyle was there and I took mental note of him, thought he was kind of cute, but didn’t think too much of it. The day after that practice I was lifting weights and he was there too. I thought I noticed him checking me out, and so I started a conversation with him. He was even hotter than the day before. He was wearing a tank top and had hot arms, good pecs and his six pack was showing through his shirt. From the first couple words I just knew that he was gay. I didn’t know because of anything he said or what he looked like. I knew because it felt like we were flirting, and it felt amazing. It was one of my first times flirting with a guy. We didn’t talk about anything important, but after the conversation my face was beaming with excitement. It wasn’t until a week or two later after more observation, hearing some rumors, and... well... facebook stalking him that I figured out he was gay.

One incident which confirmed my hopes that he was gay was on a Saturday morning before a rugby game. He and I were talking and he said he was hungry because he hadn’t eaten anything all morning. We were sitting next to another one of his friends (big prop, funny guy). I said to Kyle, “well I’ve got a banana if you want it.” I had brought some bananas for after the game. Then big prop turns to Kyle and suggests, “Yeah he’s gotta banana for you, and it aint yellow! Hahahaha.” Big prop was obviously making a lame joke about Kyle being gay. Kyle started blushing. All the while I was thinking to myself, “Yes, yes I do,” and, “damn, I should really ask him out.”

That’s when I started to loose sleep thinking about kyle and about the fact that what I really wanted, and what I had strived to have with Luke, was a boyfriend. I would lay in bed writhing around entertaining the thought that I could ask Kyle out or that he would make a move on me. Unfortunately nothing ever happened. I still regret not coming out at that point in time, cause who knows what could have gone down. I think eventually he assumed I was straight or deeply in the closet and then disengaged me. However, the incident left me changed for the better. Kyle helped me realize that I was gay and that what I wanted was another guy. Kyle transferred out that semester, probably because of harassment. I’ll never forget him.

So that’s when I knew for sure. That was about two years ago. Some things have changed between then and now, so I’ll fill you in on that in a later post.

Till then

Jordo