If they only knew

I wrote this post this morning, but was unable to put it up cuz my internet was down. Sorry that its kinda a down post. Im doing a bit better, but i think the underlying problems i address here are still there
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So last night I felt pretty shitty. Dave and I were sposed to go 2 his bfs for a party thing, and I was out shopping nd told Dave I cud pick him up on the way to his bfs. I was shopping and using some gift cards so I had to stop at home first and I stopped by home and then had a huge ass ADD moment and got sidetracked by like everything in the world. I ended up being like 20 min late to Dave’s and felt pretty shitty about it cuz it was his first time seeing his bf in a bit… That and Dave works in the morning so we were already gonna be leaving early.
I felt like bad about being late the whole night… It’s kinda redic. I don’t even think he was that mad once he got there.

Its pretty ironic how I absolutely hate being late to things and letting people down by being slow nd stuff, but I do it a fair amount. Growing up my family always gave me shit (in a bad way) about not being timely and forgetting things. My sisters still yell at me cuz of my untimeliness.
So nowadays I’m still really insecure about my ADD issues…

I think one of the reasons I got down last night is because I’m beginning to feel that I’m becoming good friends with Dave and some other gay people and having people in my life that know the ‘whole’ me and like me for that person has made me a more happy and wholesome person. However, I’ve done my best to hide my ADD issues (bad organizational skills, horrible timeliness, lack of attention to detail, ect.)… I’ve also tried to hide my depression/anxiety issues too. My anxiety has greatly resolved as of late, but I’m still having some issues with depression (alho I’m much better on whole than after I came out to my rents).
Anyways, all this goes to say that I’m afraid that once people see the real me, they wont like me anymore.
I have this fear or linger suspicion deep down that if people really knew me for who I am, if all was laid out bare, they wouldn’t like what they see. Perhaps this suspicion was engendered in me from being in the closet, or perhaps because there are very few if any moments that I’ve felt at home in life. Either way the thought always lingers in my mind ‘if they only knew ____ they would ditch me’.
I’m afraid that if I open up to people I’ll only scare them away. That’s the prbly the sole reason why I don’t really let myself get too close with ne 1 and if I do I start to pull away, like how I’ve distanced myself from Aaron….

Authenticity; I think that’s what I really want in my life, but the problem is that I’m afraid if I’m authentically myself no one will like me.

I should say that ADD and depression really aren’t an integral part of me, they are more faults than anything… but I spose they are a part of me regardless… they are to my character like a blemish is to the skin.

Either way I’m afraid that people don’t need me and worse that they don’t want me, or if they do that their support of me could change if only they knew me.

To be honest I’m not really even sure why people like me, or if they do at all… I’m pretty insecure, but I do a great ass job of hiding it. I have yet in my life to have someone see me for all I am and be like, “amazing” or even, “great”. I mean my mom knows quite a bit about me and so does my dad, but I feel that they are really disappointed with me being gay and at best their rating of me and my life is like a B-….

At times like this I just feel like a bad person all around, and I don’t think I really have a good reason to either, I spose tho a lot of it is because I don’t really feel theirs anyone who sees good in me, who sees potential in my life or believes that I’m worth it. I don’t feel I have people who authentically care about my life and I think that any care people may show would be lost if only they knew the real me…

So yea sorry being all down sounding, but it’s just what was going through my mind last night, and actually even when I woke up this morning.

Peace
jordo

Crisis Averted

So, talked to Aaron yesterday, he seemed totally normal, so i doubt he found out... of perhaps he did and just doesnt give a shit. Still need 2 comeout to him tho, cant hide this forever, and I dont want to.

In other news I had a fun weekend... hung out with my friend dave who's gay and has a bf on fri night. It was chill we hung and went to the bars, nothing too eventful but good nonethless. Saturday was good too, worked out and relaxed then visited some HS friends. Sunday I woke up at like 11, did some errands, worked, worked out, then watched the game with dave and some other guys. Afterwards we went out to the gay bars and chilled. It was actually pretty fun, didnt really find anyone that I was into tho, so was kinda bummed bout that.
I hope you folks dont get the wrong impression when I say I go to gay bars because
(1) i'm not prowling the gay bars looking for a hookup and doing stupid shit to get in guys pants (2) I'm like definetely not the 'type' that goes to gay bars... like every time i go there people ask me if I'm straight, and sometimes its quite an awkward experience. To be honest the only reason I go is cuz now I've made friends who are gay and like going there. The friends I have made are legit and just guys... into sports, more masculine, and not the type of sleezbags that will take advantage of me. They're good people and its good to be around people I can feel honest around. They have good advice and watchout for me. These guys aren't really easy to find in the gay world, so I'm glad I happened upon them.

but yea, Dave has a bf named ben and, tho they have their issues, are a really good couple. They're insanely cute together and are both quite attractive. Cant say I'm not a bit jealous. Watching them be with eachother sometimes is good for me to see. The way they care about eachother reminds me that I'm not just looking for a sketchy hookup with a guy and would like someone there to care for, to hug, to comfort. At times I'm really close to just saying fuck it and going and hooking up, but my gay friends have all advised me against that and seeing that gay people can have stable realationships is pretty huge for me.
But yea watching them hug eachother last night reminded me of Aaron and how much I wished I cud hold him like that. It reminded that although I'm horny as fuck sometimes, that theres more to me.

hmm... in other news I'm up to 200 lbs of muscle and ran a sub six min mile last week.
I'm like in better shape than i have been in a while. I'm debating about whether or not i should play semi pro rugby or just get in sick shape for my own pleasure. I'm like addicted to working out, but wish i had a discipline to gear my training towards. I miss rugby and just team sports in general.

alright, peace and love folks,
Jordy