I wrote this post this morning, but was unable to put it up cuz my internet was down. Sorry that its kinda a down post. Im doing a bit better, but i think the underlying problems i address here are still there
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So last night I felt pretty shitty. Dave and I were sposed to go 2 his bfs for a party thing, and I was out shopping nd told Dave I cud pick him up on the way to his bfs. I was shopping and using some gift cards so I had to stop at home first and I stopped by home and then had a huge ass ADD moment and got sidetracked by like everything in the world. I ended up being like 20 min late to Dave’s and felt pretty shitty about it cuz it was his first time seeing his bf in a bit… That and Dave works in the morning so we were already gonna be leaving early.
I felt like bad about being late the whole night… It’s kinda redic. I don’t even think he was that mad once he got there.
Its pretty ironic how I absolutely hate being late to things and letting people down by being slow nd stuff, but I do it a fair amount. Growing up my family always gave me shit (in a bad way) about not being timely and forgetting things. My sisters still yell at me cuz of my untimeliness.
So nowadays I’m still really insecure about my ADD issues…
I think one of the reasons I got down last night is because I’m beginning to feel that I’m becoming good friends with Dave and some other gay people and having people in my life that know the ‘whole’ me and like me for that person has made me a more happy and wholesome person. However, I’ve done my best to hide my ADD issues (bad organizational skills, horrible timeliness, lack of attention to detail, ect.)… I’ve also tried to hide my depression/anxiety issues too. My anxiety has greatly resolved as of late, but I’m still having some issues with depression (alho I’m much better on whole than after I came out to my rents).
Anyways, all this goes to say that I’m afraid that once people see the real me, they wont like me anymore.
I have this fear or linger suspicion deep down that if people really knew me for who I am, if all was laid out bare, they wouldn’t like what they see. Perhaps this suspicion was engendered in me from being in the closet, or perhaps because there are very few if any moments that I’ve felt at home in life. Either way the thought always lingers in my mind ‘if they only knew ____ they would ditch me’.
I’m afraid that if I open up to people I’ll only scare them away. That’s the prbly the sole reason why I don’t really let myself get too close with ne 1 and if I do I start to pull away, like how I’ve distanced myself from Aaron….
Authenticity; I think that’s what I really want in my life, but the problem is that I’m afraid if I’m authentically myself no one will like me.
I should say that ADD and depression really aren’t an integral part of me, they are more faults than anything… but I spose they are a part of me regardless… they are to my character like a blemish is to the skin.
Either way I’m afraid that people don’t need me and worse that they don’t want me, or if they do that their support of me could change if only they knew me.
To be honest I’m not really even sure why people like me, or if they do at all… I’m pretty insecure, but I do a great ass job of hiding it. I have yet in my life to have someone see me for all I am and be like, “amazing” or even, “great”. I mean my mom knows quite a bit about me and so does my dad, but I feel that they are really disappointed with me being gay and at best their rating of me and my life is like a B-….
At times like this I just feel like a bad person all around, and I don’t think I really have a good reason to either, I spose tho a lot of it is because I don’t really feel theirs anyone who sees good in me, who sees potential in my life or believes that I’m worth it. I don’t feel I have people who authentically care about my life and I think that any care people may show would be lost if only they knew the real me…
So yea sorry being all down sounding, but it’s just what was going through my mind last night, and actually even when I woke up this morning.
Peace
jordo
Core memory unlocked!
5 years ago
5 comments:
You've done really well to get all that down. Well done! It's important to recognise the damage the negative self-talk is doing, and you've done that. Just never let that self-doubt sabotage your new friendships.
Through this blog I've come to see many positive personal qualities in you. We all have our faults, and by opening up to people your friends will understand you better, and understand those ADD moments instead of just thinking you just don't care about being organised and on time etc. We're much more likely to condemn what we don't understand.
Every time the "I'm not worth it" thought appears, squash it at once. You are worth it, and you know it!
I went through much of my life with a fear of rejection. Maybe partly from being in the closet, but I don't think that was the whole reason. I was shy, I'd expect people to reject me, and I'd interpret people's actions as rejection even though that wasn't what they meant. Ultimately group therapy helped me to overcome a lot of it.
You may not need that. But I think it is good to realize that you have this program that plays in your head and to pay attention and to realize that it's not real. I mean the ADD and stuff may be real, but the idea that people wouldn't like you if they knew the real you is what isn't real.
After all, when you showed up late, Dave saw the real you, and it didn't bother him nearly as much as being late bothered you.
It will take time, but keep reminding yourself that you're wrong to think people won't like the real you, and eventually the feeling will get a lot weaker.
I agree with what's been said before. The closet does much damage that doesn't necessarily go away when we come out.
You think that you know how others feel about you, but that is just your thoughts, not reality I suspect. You're projecting your thoughts onto others. Would it help to sit down with your parents and let them know how you feel? I suspect that they aren't disappointed in you and do have great hopes for your life.
I can also give you a perspective different from your own because I'm old enough to have a son your age, and because my six year old son was diagnosed with ADHD this year. I love him, and I have accepted that there are some things that are very difficult or impossible for him to do the way others do them. He can't do things quickly or without reminders from me or my husband. But that in no way affects my love for him. I strongly suspec that your parents and sisters feel the same way about you. We don't hide my son's ADHD, and will explain the disease and its effects to those around him. Most people are understanding.
ADHD is not a character flaw, it's a disease in the same way that asthma or diabetes are. It changes a few things but not the person that you are. It won't scare away people, unless you use it to build walls around you to keep others out.
What do you mostly eat? White sugar/flour/rice/grains (crap that didn't exist a few centuries ago) can exarcerbate ADD/ADHD and Depression/anxiety.
For depression/anxiety vitamin b12 can help.
How many distractions such as pc/tv/ipod/x-box/wii/iphone do you have in your room? Ask yourself, do you really need all of those?
aww Jordan. don't worry. we ALL definitely feel this way from time to time. we're all insecure about ourselves. but if you think about it, is there anyone you know who you like less because they shared something like that with you. it's when people open up to you that you start to really like them. maybe that's just how I am, but when someone is comfortable enough to share something like their insecurities with me, i just feel like wow they really trust me. i must be doing something right.
i really think that if you take down some of the walls you put up, your friends and you will only get closer. i know rejection is scary, but if that happened, as unlikely as it would be, they couldn't have been very good friends. you're a really awesome guy and you deserve to have friends who really have your back. i think if you open up to one of them, even just a little, you'd be surprised. :)
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