If they only knew

I wrote this post this morning, but was unable to put it up cuz my internet was down. Sorry that its kinda a down post. Im doing a bit better, but i think the underlying problems i address here are still there
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So last night I felt pretty shitty. Dave and I were sposed to go 2 his bfs for a party thing, and I was out shopping nd told Dave I cud pick him up on the way to his bfs. I was shopping and using some gift cards so I had to stop at home first and I stopped by home and then had a huge ass ADD moment and got sidetracked by like everything in the world. I ended up being like 20 min late to Dave’s and felt pretty shitty about it cuz it was his first time seeing his bf in a bit… That and Dave works in the morning so we were already gonna be leaving early.
I felt like bad about being late the whole night… It’s kinda redic. I don’t even think he was that mad once he got there.

Its pretty ironic how I absolutely hate being late to things and letting people down by being slow nd stuff, but I do it a fair amount. Growing up my family always gave me shit (in a bad way) about not being timely and forgetting things. My sisters still yell at me cuz of my untimeliness.
So nowadays I’m still really insecure about my ADD issues…

I think one of the reasons I got down last night is because I’m beginning to feel that I’m becoming good friends with Dave and some other gay people and having people in my life that know the ‘whole’ me and like me for that person has made me a more happy and wholesome person. However, I’ve done my best to hide my ADD issues (bad organizational skills, horrible timeliness, lack of attention to detail, ect.)… I’ve also tried to hide my depression/anxiety issues too. My anxiety has greatly resolved as of late, but I’m still having some issues with depression (alho I’m much better on whole than after I came out to my rents).
Anyways, all this goes to say that I’m afraid that once people see the real me, they wont like me anymore.
I have this fear or linger suspicion deep down that if people really knew me for who I am, if all was laid out bare, they wouldn’t like what they see. Perhaps this suspicion was engendered in me from being in the closet, or perhaps because there are very few if any moments that I’ve felt at home in life. Either way the thought always lingers in my mind ‘if they only knew ____ they would ditch me’.
I’m afraid that if I open up to people I’ll only scare them away. That’s the prbly the sole reason why I don’t really let myself get too close with ne 1 and if I do I start to pull away, like how I’ve distanced myself from Aaron….

Authenticity; I think that’s what I really want in my life, but the problem is that I’m afraid if I’m authentically myself no one will like me.

I should say that ADD and depression really aren’t an integral part of me, they are more faults than anything… but I spose they are a part of me regardless… they are to my character like a blemish is to the skin.

Either way I’m afraid that people don’t need me and worse that they don’t want me, or if they do that their support of me could change if only they knew me.

To be honest I’m not really even sure why people like me, or if they do at all… I’m pretty insecure, but I do a great ass job of hiding it. I have yet in my life to have someone see me for all I am and be like, “amazing” or even, “great”. I mean my mom knows quite a bit about me and so does my dad, but I feel that they are really disappointed with me being gay and at best their rating of me and my life is like a B-….

At times like this I just feel like a bad person all around, and I don’t think I really have a good reason to either, I spose tho a lot of it is because I don’t really feel theirs anyone who sees good in me, who sees potential in my life or believes that I’m worth it. I don’t feel I have people who authentically care about my life and I think that any care people may show would be lost if only they knew the real me…

So yea sorry being all down sounding, but it’s just what was going through my mind last night, and actually even when I woke up this morning.

Peace
jordo

Whatever Gets You Through the Night

Last night was rough. Everything I had been dealing with finally caught up to me and I had a crisis. Anxiety, headaches, stomach sickness; my body and mind were taking the toll for the turmoil in my life.

This sudden onset may have been due to the fact that I had a paper due this morning which I need to complete in order to graduate. The paper was originally due several weeks ago, but with coming out to my parents, Aaron, ect. I was too emotionally distracted to invest any energy in completing the paper. My teachers had noticed a decline in my academic performance and were very concerned, so they gave me an extension due to extenuating circumstances (note to you younger guys get to know your profs in college, they'll save your ass when you need them). Anyways, I really needed to have this paper in by today or I'd fail.

Last night I was freaking out because I was so tired and depressed and didn't think i had the energy to complete the paper.

But... I pulled through
That bitch is done... stick a fucking fork in it!

how'd I do it? Honestly I am not completely sure.

Although, it may have something to do with the nicotine and alcohol....

So basically I was freaking out and I remembered talking to my mom earlier that night. I asked her what anti-anxiety meds do to your neuro transmitters. She said they emit a blocker (gabba i think???) which blocks your other neurotransmitters and effectively deadens your nervous system. Half in jest and half serious I asked he why I shouldn't just drink booze. She said it's effects are to acute and not sustained enough... for normal life...

I also remembered that stimulants tend to help those with attention defecit disorders...

So i went to the gas station at about midnight

two cigars and a few shots latter my paper was done...
wtf happened... I don't know.

Part of it too was I realized that I HAD to get this bitch done. I kicked it into gear. Got some booze and tabacy to calm me down and just did it. I may or may not have taken a porn break. I did fall asleep at seven in the morning, but i woke up in time to put on the finishing touches.

I'm proud of myself and I feel sooo good now that it's done.

In fact I'm like a thousand times better than I was last night.

I checked my grade on the paper just now I got an A... suck it


At about three last night i hit a writers block so I took a break to go smoke and drink. I climbed out the window onto the roof with a half full glass of rum and a cigar. It was possibly the most beautiful night I've been witness to in a while. There was practically no wind, the city was silent, the sky was jet black, and the stars shone bright, even for being so close to the city. 100 proof Captain Morgan with a cigar is quite bitter at first, but my mouth was quickly numbed. The plumes of smoke circulated around me as I slowly finsihed the cigar. It was so calm a night I was blowing smoke rings (something which I forgot I could do).

As I was laying on the roof facing the heavens I had the thought that perhaps things would turn out alright. If you look into the stars long enough you can get lost. You forget yourself, where you are, all your pains, and even to a degree your hopes. You see that the universe keeps going on with or without you and that things will be beautiful even if you fail and even if you succeed. Perhaps I was experiencing God's grace or maybe it was me taking a step closer to nirvana... then again it could just be the booze. Regardless of the cause of my new found state of bliss and release I felt assured that things would work themselves out, and that if I did my best and stay true to myself things will come together.

I'm still feeling better. Now with that paper done I can do away with performance anxiety and focus more on personal issues. I can also start working out regularly again... which will greatly help my mood out.

I am still gonna go to a pyschiatrist and get evaluated for ADD, depression and anxiety. I think drugs may be able to help stabilize my mood, and if nothing else hopefully they could get me some meds for my ADD.

So yea, I'm feeling better and a little excited about the future.

random career thought: I'm gonna go apply for a job at a small guitar shop downtown for next year... That'd be awesome because I really love guitar. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but i'm pretty good at guitar. Tonight my sister, who is very musical, said that I'm the best guitar player she's heard in person... and now that i think about it I have run personally across maybe one or two people who were on my level or better. So I might have a dec shot at getting a job there.

Thanks so much for all your comments, concern, and words of wisdom. It's good hearing your thoughts and knowing that people out there care.

Alright I'm gonna go to bed,

Much love and keep it real,

Jordo

In pieces

As of late things have been hard on me. Even before coming out to my mother I was a wreck. Couldn't focus, having head aches a lot, feeling sick, random fits of anger...

I think I'm suffering from chronic depression and anxiety... and I have a really hard time saying that. I feel weak and stupid, like once people know i'm hurting they'll reject me cause i'm too much of a burden... I have a problem being vulnerable, here and in real life. I want to have everything together, be the perfect athlete, scholar, friend, ect.
But lately I feel as though everything has fallen apart. For four years I've carried in my heart the secret of my sexuality and harbored there all the feelings of rejection and isolation that a homophobic society wishes to instill in me.

Every morning i wake up anxious, sometimes i don't even know why. I can't focus and my brain feels like its turned to jelly.

I think it's all cause of the stresses associated with being closeted person. Being closeted is a chronic stress which, as any chronic stress does, slowly eats away at you from the inside. I feel my state is continually getting worse.

Most people can't tell that things are wrong with me, cuz i'm really good at hiding it. I don't show emotion all that easily, which sucks cause i feel it easier than anyone i know.


idk where i'm going with all of this... it's a very disorganized post so sorry for that... i barely make sense...


All I know is it feels like i'm grieving... grieving for the potential loss of friends, grieving for my mental state, grieving cuz i fell apart academically, grieving cuz i feel like a total failure, grieving for the life I could have had if things had played out different, grieving for Aaron.....



anyways, onto the specifics in my life...

I moved out of my campus housing yesterday and am now living at home. the moving process sucked, but it's done

I have had to take incompletes in two of my classes because i fell apart at the end of school. I have until next fall to finish a couple of papers... which won't be that bad. In addition to that i'm supposed to turn in a paper tomorrow, but i can't think right now. I've been trying to work on it and my mind will just wonder off, or i'll start getting anxious again. I feel pretty sick and i just can't focus....

we ate dinner as a family tongiht. I just sat there silent the whole time. i couldn't talk i've been too stressed. Thoughts kept circling in my head and the impending thought that this paper is due tomorrow was haunting me. On top of that I kept on thinking about my friends...
Anyways my mom talked to me afterwards. she wants me to go see a pyschiatrist to get some meds to help me out for the time being... she's right it'd prbly be better for me... she's a psych teacher. she's awesome tho and just hugged me and loved me. She doesn't understand everything i'm going through but she's here for me.

anyways... Last night aaron, i and some friends went to see star trek. It was dec. but afterwards I just felt like shit cuz I feel like Aaron's been treating me like shit lately. he's been snappy and doesn't really talk to me that much... and it hurts me. after the movie was over i really wanted to hug him goodbye cuz he is leaving for home for a couple days, but we didn't hug he just high fived me... what is that? fucking middle school?

In general I don't feel like any of my friends appreciate me that much. I'm the kind of person that needs a lot of encouragement in order to function. I need people telling me i'm worthwhile otherwise i feel like shit. even if i do well at school, or sports, or whatev i feel like shit about it until someone affirms me... and lately i've been deprived of much affirmation... People also pick on me sometimes... I'm kinda slow and disorganized .... actually quite so ... and sometimes people give me shit about it, most of the time it doesn't bother me, but lately it has been. Especially when aaron does it.

Also, yesterday after star trek one of my friends said i was like spock... i don't express emotion... ouch
I try to be emotional and have fun and stuff.... but it's been hard lately cuz i've been thinking about so much, and i can't talk to everybody about coming out to my parents and shit.... so i spose they're right... I do feel very bottled up, like i have a lot of things to say and no one is listening...

I don't know where this post was going... i forgot.

but yea I'm struggling right now and I don't know what to do.
I feel like I've watched everything fall to pieces. My life feels like it's crumbling, and i don't know what to do.
If life were a video game i'd hit the reset button and everything would be alright, but it isn't... it just keeps going.
I need a break, and i need a person or people to live life with me who will take care of me and help me take care of myself.

Alright this is an end to a long and disorganized post

Jordo

Head Injuries, Stupid Christians, ADD, and Aaron

So yea, I haven't posted in a couple days and feel like i should, so here we go.
This will probably be more like a stream of consciousness than my other posts (which are often quite deliberate). I also might have a concussion, so bare with me.

I've been frustrated and tired lately. I can barely do any home work because I can't concentrate. As I mentioned before I think I have ADD, and ADD is exacerbated by stress and depression. I wouldn't say I'm super down at the moment but I think I am suffering from the long term effects of stress and depression... and part of me feels that this stress and depression is rooted predominantly in me being a closeted gay guy in a homophobic environment.

I'm really itching to get out of the closet. In fact all I can think about lately is the issues relating to my homosexuality. It doesn't help that everywhere I go homosexuality is brought up. Whether people are joking around, talking about news, talking about religion, or talking about my school's policy homosexuality is always brought up. I can't go a day without hearing people talk about homosexuality. It frustrates me how I never really reveal myself in regards to this issue. I can sit there and debate and dialogue people, listen to insults, or hear stories of coming out but I never reveal myself. It's really frustrating and it's all getting bottled up inside me. Someday i might just explode.

Hell my school is holding this 'forum' which is gonna bring in this speaker who is in favor of 'ex-gay programs' and 'reparative therapy': what bullshit. I don't want to rant too long about this, but it really gets me. It feels like a slap in the face. Like, "all you gays (if you're even out there) should come and let us fix you." arrogant pricks telling people what to do even though they don't understand the first thing about being gay.

I mostly feel bad for any gay person who goes to that event and then gets it into their head that they can change themselves if they pray hard enough. they'll most likely waste countless years denying a part of themselves. A part of themselves that there is nothing wrong with and in fact is beautiful and God given. I'm thankful that i never really felt guilty about being gay, because the social pressure is enough to deal with. But i know everyone is not that fortunate...

If you're reading this I want you to know that if you're gay there is nothing wrong with you; don't let anyone fix you or tell you to change who you are. Don't be afraid of they're fear mongering language. They may tell you it's a sin and that you'll go to hell or that you are diseased and broken, but they're wrong. You're perfectly fine as you are, believe in yourself. If you're struggling with believing that you are fine as you are please write me a message or check out my links on the right hand side of the page. I'd be happy to share with why I think there's nothing wrong with you.


ok, that rant aside

It also seems to me that more and more people are 'Coming Out', and in rather public ways.
It makes me feel like a chicken and a fraud to sit here and watch people stand up for themselves and what they believe in while I hide in this closet.


on a lighter note my team had a big game this weekend against a rival school. we won 28-10, it was awesome. Because of it our standing in our union is going to improve, which is great. I played pretty well and it was a blast. I tackled a guy really hard and now may or may not have a concussion... oh well.

hung out with Aaron quite a bit this weekend. Damn he's a cutie. I guess we're thinking about living together next year.. so yea, what do you folks think? good idea? bad idea?
I feel like i need to come out to him first, but i'm scared of that. advice?

I've decided I don't want to have a romance with him, i just wanna be his friend. But i'm scared to come out to him cause i don't know how I'd answer the question "do you like me in that way?" i feel the answer could destroy our friendship.

hope you found this rambling post worthwhile,

Jordo

Match Makers?

Hey all,

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, I've been busy with school and rugby and shit. I've also had a ridiculously difficult time focusing on anything for more than ten minutes for the past week or so, which has made sitting down and writing this blog difficult.

I think I have ADD. I once asked my mom if she thought I might have some attention disorder and she said that she thinks I've had ADD my whole life... so yeah, I should go get some drugs, they might help me w/ school.

Anyways... Thanks to all of you who posted on my last comment. I know it may have been a little abrasive, but hell, I'm abrasive at times, it's just being honest.

I'm gonna write an apology to my previous post some time. By apology I mean, as in the classical sense, an explanation and defense of my position. I'm not sure people really understood what I was saying, but whatevs.. that's for another day... time to blog about my personal life.


So, yeah... my life.
This weekend my body took a huge beating from rugby, but I played well. Scored a Try and made some sweet tackles.

I hung out with Aaron a fair deal this weekend. Friday night it was just me and him chilling. We had nothing to do so we ended up going for a drive around town. We went and got some food at a local diner and just talked. It was awesome. I don't know why but talking to him comes easy--it flows well. Talking to him one on one makes me happy.

The rest of the weekend most of the time I was around Aaron he was with his GF. As much as I wish I could forgo my feelings for Aaron in favor of our friendship I still feel quite jealous when I see them cuddling with each other. I wish it would be me instead of her by his side, I wish it was me he kissed, and I wish I could express my love for him.

Sometimes i get really frustrated with Aaron cause it feels like I'm getting used. He always asks me to hang out and I think enjoys having me around. I go along with him because I care for him. But often I end up not feeling fulfilled by whatever it is we're doing. I don't often get the love that I desire to receive. He gets to cuddle and be intimate with his GF and I get nothing except for a front row seat to the event. It feels like I'm being used for my friendship and compassion, but I'm not being appreciated and loved for the person I am.

At the same time I think Aaron really appreciates my friendship and he does express legitimate concern for me. I just think that a lot of times he just doesn't know how to be a good friend to me.

So yeah, enough about that...

I talked to my former roommate, well call him... Jeff. Jeff was the person I first came out to. He's an awesome guy. He's kind of a hippy--he's got unkempt facial hair, smokes weed, doesn't eat meat, protests war, ect. I came out to him over a year ago, and it was an easy decision because I knew that he would be supportive.

So we were talking and he told me that he thinks I need to get out and meet more gay guys. In fact him and my other friend who knows I'm gay, Chris, had a conversation about how they should 'help' me meet other gay people. Apparently Chris knows some gay people and told Jeff he has 'numbers' he can call for me. I don't know if that means he's gonna set me up on a blind date or that he'll just call people for me to hang out with... On top of that Jeff knows someone whom I suppose could be classified as a 'fag hag' and told her that he knew someone who was in the closet and is looking for gay places to go. She sent him a list of bookstores/coffee/shops/and perhaps even people to look into. There are supposedly 'hot spots' for gay people in the city that I live in and this girl knows them all. So yeah... apparently the few people I'm out to in the world want to hook me up with someone. They've noticed I've been feeling really lonely and think it might be good to get some relational experience. They also want me to stop 'hiding myself' and come out to more people. I think they're probably right and I should both meet more gay people and come out to more people so I don't feel so isolated.

I suppose I have a few reservations about this whole 'get Jordan hitched' scheme. First and foremost I don't fell like I'll fit into the gay culture. I'm definitely not your stereotypical gay person and I have no intention of changing the pitch of my voice, buying a new wardrobe, or altering my manerisms to fit in. But hell, I've never even been to these 'gay hotspots' so how would I know if conformity to a stereotype is the norm at these places? I wouldn't, so perhaps I should observe before I judge.

My second reservation is that I don't feel that great about 'blind dates'. Kind of sketchy if you ask me. I suppose it could be good tho, just to meet someone (not necessarily looking for a romance) and talk about being gay.

Lastly, I'm worried about this whole project because once I start into this 'gay lifestyle' there isn't much turning back. Right now I'm gay I know it. But all of my homosexual feelings and fantasies are in my head, I can control them, and most importantly it hasn't changed my outward life that much. If I start to go on blind dates and hang out at a gay places I'll be leaping into a gay world, outside of my fantasies, and outside of my mind. It's kind of scary.

putting aside my match making dilemma for the moment... I'm still kind of infatuated with Aaron. I really like him and his friendship means a lot to me. Half the time I don't even know why he means so much to me, but he does. I'd far prefer to have a romance with him than have to go on a man hunt to find someone I'm compatible with. I'd rather have a romance develop naturally than have to go out of my way to find love.

I talked to Jeff about Aaron... well I didn't tell him that I like Aaron, I only asked how he thinks Aaron would react if I came out to him. Jeff told me he thinks I should come out to Aaron, and that Aaron would be cool with it because Aaron values me as a friend so much. Jeff realizes that Aaron and I are close and thinks that I almost have a duty to come out to him. [I think I'll write a post sometime soon about the pros and cons for coming out to Aaron, but not now] I think I agree with him. For the first time in a while I feel at peace about coming out to Aaron. I feel I should because if I don't I'm not really letting him be the good friend to me that he could be. If I don't even give him the chance to accept me for who I am it's kind of an insult to him. So I figure before the end of the school year I'll come out to Aaron. Still kind of nervous. Hopefully it will be for the better.

I need to go eat food now,

much love

Jordo