If they only knew

I wrote this post this morning, but was unable to put it up cuz my internet was down. Sorry that its kinda a down post. Im doing a bit better, but i think the underlying problems i address here are still there
_________________________________________________________

So last night I felt pretty shitty. Dave and I were sposed to go 2 his bfs for a party thing, and I was out shopping nd told Dave I cud pick him up on the way to his bfs. I was shopping and using some gift cards so I had to stop at home first and I stopped by home and then had a huge ass ADD moment and got sidetracked by like everything in the world. I ended up being like 20 min late to Dave’s and felt pretty shitty about it cuz it was his first time seeing his bf in a bit… That and Dave works in the morning so we were already gonna be leaving early.
I felt like bad about being late the whole night… It’s kinda redic. I don’t even think he was that mad once he got there.

Its pretty ironic how I absolutely hate being late to things and letting people down by being slow nd stuff, but I do it a fair amount. Growing up my family always gave me shit (in a bad way) about not being timely and forgetting things. My sisters still yell at me cuz of my untimeliness.
So nowadays I’m still really insecure about my ADD issues…

I think one of the reasons I got down last night is because I’m beginning to feel that I’m becoming good friends with Dave and some other gay people and having people in my life that know the ‘whole’ me and like me for that person has made me a more happy and wholesome person. However, I’ve done my best to hide my ADD issues (bad organizational skills, horrible timeliness, lack of attention to detail, ect.)… I’ve also tried to hide my depression/anxiety issues too. My anxiety has greatly resolved as of late, but I’m still having some issues with depression (alho I’m much better on whole than after I came out to my rents).
Anyways, all this goes to say that I’m afraid that once people see the real me, they wont like me anymore.
I have this fear or linger suspicion deep down that if people really knew me for who I am, if all was laid out bare, they wouldn’t like what they see. Perhaps this suspicion was engendered in me from being in the closet, or perhaps because there are very few if any moments that I’ve felt at home in life. Either way the thought always lingers in my mind ‘if they only knew ____ they would ditch me’.
I’m afraid that if I open up to people I’ll only scare them away. That’s the prbly the sole reason why I don’t really let myself get too close with ne 1 and if I do I start to pull away, like how I’ve distanced myself from Aaron….

Authenticity; I think that’s what I really want in my life, but the problem is that I’m afraid if I’m authentically myself no one will like me.

I should say that ADD and depression really aren’t an integral part of me, they are more faults than anything… but I spose they are a part of me regardless… they are to my character like a blemish is to the skin.

Either way I’m afraid that people don’t need me and worse that they don’t want me, or if they do that their support of me could change if only they knew me.

To be honest I’m not really even sure why people like me, or if they do at all… I’m pretty insecure, but I do a great ass job of hiding it. I have yet in my life to have someone see me for all I am and be like, “amazing” or even, “great”. I mean my mom knows quite a bit about me and so does my dad, but I feel that they are really disappointed with me being gay and at best their rating of me and my life is like a B-….

At times like this I just feel like a bad person all around, and I don’t think I really have a good reason to either, I spose tho a lot of it is because I don’t really feel theirs anyone who sees good in me, who sees potential in my life or believes that I’m worth it. I don’t feel I have people who authentically care about my life and I think that any care people may show would be lost if only they knew the real me…

So yea sorry being all down sounding, but it’s just what was going through my mind last night, and actually even when I woke up this morning.

Peace
jordo

An awkward moment

So last night I was on a gay networking site and it ws late, prbly 2 30 or so. I thought my whole family was asleep so i decided to go on a gay networking/dating site in our kitchen. i dont really go on them that much ne more, but i was bored and couldnt sleep. I was also listening to my ipod so i was like totally oblivious to everything around me. It was one of those sites where when some one chats with you a box with their pic pops up. I like lost interest in the site cuz i was playing a game on my itouch and wasnt paying attention to it, but still had the site up.
So apparently when i wasnt focusing some guy with a nude pic of him and his big schlong pops up. Im like playing with my ipod and dont realize it. At this moment my sister (the one I'm out to) walkd by my computer. I look at her and say hi. Then i look at my comp screen and see a huge schlong....
My sister awkwardly walked into the other room, i knew she had seen the pic, i was def embarrased.
So yea i went and had to explain what had just happened and how i wasnt looking up sketchy pics of slightly unnatractive men and that I wasnt hooking up with ne 1 and that i dont have naked pics of myself online.
She was super cool about it and was like, 'yea i know you i figured it was something stupid like that, dont worry i dont care... it was def less awkward than when i walked in on mom and dad having sex two months ago'
so yea my sis is pretty cool. She's like totally cool w/ the gay thing and we even talk about guys sometimes. She's awesome, love her lots.
Still was pretty embarrassed and felt like an idiot. I really need to be more careful, if that had been my mom, or like my little bro... shit that'd be bad.

Alright I'll post latter

Jordy

ummm...

Yea not sure what to call this post cuz not much exciting has been happening in my life lately.
Well actually thats not true, but the thing that I could post about im gonna write up latter and you can read about it then.
Let's see, what have I been up to...

I'm working out a lot and seeing some progress which is nice. this huge dude at the gym (not cute, think like power lifter) told me I was obvs doing well at lifting and a strong guy which I took compliment to. I'm pretty strong for my size and am proud of that. I'd like to start working my lower body more, but the problem is with all the runing i do my legs are always sore, prbly gonna cut back on running for a while and maybe do more swimming for cardio.

Yea and last night there was this cute guy who was pretty short, but he had a good face and was developed muscularly... but he fucking amazed me at how much he was lifting... like benching insane ammounts for someone his size. he asked me to spot him on bench nd so i did... wish i wuda struck a conversation up, i said a few words, but it wasnt enough. i was like checking him out the whole time tho, nd i def was getting a little worked up if you know what i mean haha.
hopefully i see him again nd he ends up being gay.

in other news, and old news at that, im like wanting a bf. its bout damn time i got one. But i'm in that awkward place in my head where i start thinking that maybe I shud hookup with someone even though i'm not sure id want to... idk
its hard trying to figure out the right and best thing to do sometimes.
The biggest problem Im having right now is that all the guys im attracted to just wanna hookup, nd i dont necessarily.

other than that.... ummm... yea
just ben chilling and living and eating. getting ready for christmas, it should be ok, but nothing spectacular planned.

alright im gonna go eat
peace
jordy

Mad Skills

I saw Invictus the other night, it was sick in a good way. It's a great historical movie and really shows the dream mandela had for post apartheid south africa. It was impressive how this film packed so much political and social meaning into a movie which predominantly followed a national rugby team... very cool.
but yea it had sick rugby in it too. Go see it if you haven't already.

so yea i thought id take some time to post some sweet rugby clips nd talk about rugby nd shit.
b4 i get started let me say some important things about rugby.. btw skip over this 2 the vid if u dont wanna read about rugby
1. u cant pass the ball forward, only backwards.
2. everyone infront of the ballcarrier (of ur respective team) is offsides.
3. there is absolutely no blocking or ne thing resembling a block.
so yea all this means is that if u have the ball ur the target, no one to cover for u and ur the first one onsides.
defensively speaking teams will line up in straight lines and run at the offense in a line so as to cover all the possible areas the offense cud attack in. this means that almost every1 on ateam is in the defensive line (besides a fullback and probs 1 wing). which means that if the line is broken its a big deal... b/c there is are like two people covering all the space behind the line. like a line break cud be a 50 m run or a try depending on how fast u r.
offensively speaking peeps line up at angles so that the person closest to the ball is the furthest up on the field. Offense is all about depth and deception in rugby. U have to have ur guys deep so they have time to get enough speed in order to break thru the line and u have to be sneaky about who u give the ball 2 and how u get it to them. if u can make some 1 in the line commit to u when they shudnt u they might leave a hole in the line and then if u can get some 1 to be running towards that hole with right timing u can quick pass it to them as they're busting thru that opening... so yea rugbys all about timing and deception.. at least in the backline.. which... um i dont want to describe right now...
and oh yea in rugby u have to actually touch the ball to the ground in order to score a try... u cant score by just walking into the inzone... it is what a touchdown actually sounds like.

so in invictus they show Jonah Lomu who plays for the New Zeland All Blacks (i hate the all blacks for no good reason btw... i think they're cocky and they choke all the time). He was for lack of a better term a juggernaut... he just ran over who ever happened to get in his way.
for those of you who dont know rugby, so like all of u... Lomu played the position of wing which is # 11 or 14 (for right nd left wing), nd yea in rugby each position has a number associated w/it... usually wingers are like ne where from 195 lbs to 215 ish lbs... but they have to be fast, hopefully the fastest on the field, and be agile. They dont get the ball often because they are on the edges of the field nd its harder to get the ball out to them before the opposition can stop the ball from progressing further out. when they do get the ball tho their job is simply to score. generally they're already moving at a good pace when the are passed the ball so already have a good deal of momentum... the wingers finish the deal and are supposed to make big gains in yardage (the wings also have other jobs especially w/ kicking nd kicking defens, but thats another story).
ne ways so lomu was 275 lbs and 6 ft 5... a fucking giant. Imagine tackling someone who's 75 lbs heavier than u and is at least as fast as u r... that's what it was like for the poor fullback and wingers who tried to stop Lomu. he was an animal and he had a nack for keeping his feet moving. that being sed i'm not sure if i like his playing style, but it makes for a good youtube vid.

watch the full thing serious, its redic



alright so in stark contrast to lomu i'll show shane williams, a welsh winger... he's also redic good, but like tiny. 175 lbs and short. Whereas Lomu runs thru peeps Williams runs around them. shane is also a winger and pretty much always wears the left winger jersey #11. Its truly amazing how quickly he can change his lateral motion. perhaps its his low weight or his height nd speed... idk, either way he can move like its no ones business, he's pretty speedy too. he makes great rugby players (who are like 50 lbs heavier than him) straight up look like fools. Shane was awarded rugby player of the year in 08. oh and dont mind the music for this clip... it's like super gay haha. it was the best vid i cud find tho.



alright so for those of you who actually read that thanks if not, oh well... it was boring.

in other news my stomach is finally feeling better from sunday night haha... not gonna drink for a while again...

jordy

A Good Catch is Hard to Find

So yea... was gonna post sooner, but my social life has been hopping lately haha... sorta...

umm last night I drank way too fucking much... I lost count actually... my stomach still hurts from the shit I drank.
Dave and Ben were going out to a gay bar and so was this new dude whos their friend (who might like me)... lets call him A. And then this guy that i mentioned in the last post that likes me was there too... lets call him B
so yea A and B actually had met online before, which was awkward. B came with his friends who are gay, but ended up following me around quite a bit, obvs trying to get closer to me... ahhh... not working for him...

ne ways i didnt have to be up that early today, so i was kinda like in the lets get drunk mood for no specific reason. So was Ben cuz he didnt work either. So him and I got blitzed. Him moreso than I cuz he's smaller, but I was def feeling it.
so yea there was an incident with gin and vodka that I dont really want to dwell on. lets just i drank a couple mixed drinks w/ predominantly gin in it they were pretty strong too...
I hate gin so fucking much, its straight up like drinking a pine tree. I cud like still feel it in me today and felt like a fucking christmas tree the whole day... people shuda been hanging ornaments on me haha. oh and my pee smelled like a boy scout wreath.

I have no idea how i made it thru work 2day... no idea haha

But yea last night was really fun. Oh and the guy i made out with during the summer was there... it was kinda awkward...

so.... to the title of this post, people keep on telling me I'm a good catch... like everyone haha... in blog land and otherwise. last night when Ben was drunk he said something pretty meaningful to me. He sed he respected me for being a virgin and that if i threw away my virginity on an asshole hed be really dissappointed. He told me I'm a good catch and better wait for one likewise. he suggested that my hand is enough for me right now haha.

But yea I think a lot of gay guys have a period where they like hookup with people or at least have at times had sex w/o thinking about it... some of them really regret it and they generally are like really impressed with me and say they're jealous. I mean I kinda am jealous of them cuz i'm so horny a lot and just want that physicality, but I think its good to hear from a friend that I'm a good catch and that I'm valuable as a person... that he wud care enough to tell me not to do something stupid, it meant a lot.
i think his words were something like, "I know you go home feeling horny and lonely and really want a guy, but it'll come to you, you're a lucky guy; good looks, smart, good personality, kind, and good hearted, you deserve someone as good as you. Wait and it'll happen, but dont throw urself away on someone who's not worth it."
Friday night I was hanging with them and was pretty down... I was lonely and like wanting a bf and shit and wasnt very social and i think my friends noticed, people notice that I want that companionship, but am not gonna go sleep around with a bunc o dudes. but yea his words were valuable and shows he's looking out for me.

So yea I mean now I'm just waiting around till i find a good catch haha. I spose I'm starting to be ok with that... i kinda thought that after coming out finding a guy wudnt be hard, that there wud just be quite a few hot, athletic, chill guys for me to date, but that hasnt happened. its hard to find good guys as friends and even harder as partners, but I have hope, i even wrote a song on guitar about it haha.

I'll let y'all know if I ever find that good catch, but till then peace and love bros

Jordy

This is Fucking Science

seriously, i need all ur votes in my poll to make it more accurate... everyone participate for the name of science.
and no, its really not a big deal, i'm just curious and like getting some form of feedback.

other than that... hmmm... this weekend I hope to see the movie Invictus. I'm really happy about the fact that a major hollywood movie staring two great actors is gonna be about the south african rugby team. The movie looks promising and it looks like there will not only be good rugby in it, but that it will also tackle issues such as racism and reconcilliation in a post apartheid south africa. I really dont know much about south africa and the apartheid, but i think it will be interesting nevertheless. check out the trailer and see the movie. If nothing else hopefully it will raise american's level of awareness regarding the great sport of rugby.
check it out


Also, Matt Damon is looking good for the movie haha

but yea go see it and appreciate the great sport of rugby.

if i see it this weekend i'll give a review or something.

hmmm... what else.. if u cant tell i've been doing rambling posts lately.
um theres some stuff with this kid i went on a few dates with like two weeks ago i shud fill ya all in cuz were sposed to hang this weekend and it might get awkward. we'll see tho...
the skinny is that he was into me more than i was him and wanted a relationship. kinda freaked me, but i think hes a cool kid and feel for him in a sort of empathetic way, so were gonna hang this weekend with some other peeps, hopefully as just friends. but knowing my luck i'll probably lead him on more by accident and it will be a mess... i'm a heartbreaker and i dont feel good about it.

Hellooo???

hey, just reaching out there to all you lurkers and everyone else haha
there r like 100 people who visit my blog a day yet only 35 people have answered my poll. Its totlly anon so respond to it and make me happy

other than that, saw blind side 2 night with some friends. Really good movie. it reminded me a lot of some of the work I've done with foster kids in after school programs nd shit... so many of them I cud like see the potential in but i knew they wudnt get ne where in life cuz there's no one there to care for them. Def makes me wanna adopt kids... perhaps someday.

hmm... besides that well... i'm realizing that the gay world (cyber and real) is smaller than the world at large. I've started adding gay friends on fb just cuz i'm risky like that and its weird to see all the mutual friends of various people. LIke this guy i dated a couple times last month... well call him drew is now fb friends with the guy i made out with in the summer... and drews also friends with one of my new gay friends... the internet means gays network like fucking crazy and all know eachother. it scares me cuz if i screw up and have sex with the wrong person, or dont have sex with them, or make out with the wrong guy, or break some ones heart, rumors will prbly spread like wildfire... whether thats online or in real life, people talk shit i'm sure. Kinda scary, makes me nervous to like even touch another guy haha. not really, but all i'm saying is that once u start finding guys the connections will be kinda weird and surprising.

i'll post again soon

Jordy

its late and i'm feeling lonely

so, it's late, and for no particular reason i'm feeling lonely...
like the romantic sorta lonely, like the I wish i had someone to hold right now sorta lonely. I'm not that discontented with my life in fact things are going pretty well... maybe its just cuz i stayed up so late, idkk.... maybe i stayed up so late cuz i'm lonely
this is not a coherrent post, but just me rambling..... i want a bf... or at least someone to care for. i really am lacking physical companionship right now and am getting pissed about it. Prob is I cant find anyone that is a) attractive enough and b) stable enough and c) not straight for me to have a relationship with.
Which is why i just wanna hook up with guys at times... or at least go make out with a bunch... but the prob with that is that i'll probs end up hurting people. people always fall for me too quickly and then things get awkward. i hate hurting people. that and i'll feel slutty... but hell maybe i just gotta forget about feeling slutty for a bit. idk, i'm very conflicted.
anyways, i'm gonna go try and sleep. this sorta thing doesnt usualy happen to me, especially lately, but i'm just venting some emotions
jordy

Crisis Averted

So, talked to Aaron yesterday, he seemed totally normal, so i doubt he found out... of perhaps he did and just doesnt give a shit. Still need 2 comeout to him tho, cant hide this forever, and I dont want to.

In other news I had a fun weekend... hung out with my friend dave who's gay and has a bf on fri night. It was chill we hung and went to the bars, nothing too eventful but good nonethless. Saturday was good too, worked out and relaxed then visited some HS friends. Sunday I woke up at like 11, did some errands, worked, worked out, then watched the game with dave and some other guys. Afterwards we went out to the gay bars and chilled. It was actually pretty fun, didnt really find anyone that I was into tho, so was kinda bummed bout that.
I hope you folks dont get the wrong impression when I say I go to gay bars because
(1) i'm not prowling the gay bars looking for a hookup and doing stupid shit to get in guys pants (2) I'm like definetely not the 'type' that goes to gay bars... like every time i go there people ask me if I'm straight, and sometimes its quite an awkward experience. To be honest the only reason I go is cuz now I've made friends who are gay and like going there. The friends I have made are legit and just guys... into sports, more masculine, and not the type of sleezbags that will take advantage of me. They're good people and its good to be around people I can feel honest around. They have good advice and watchout for me. These guys aren't really easy to find in the gay world, so I'm glad I happened upon them.

but yea, Dave has a bf named ben and, tho they have their issues, are a really good couple. They're insanely cute together and are both quite attractive. Cant say I'm not a bit jealous. Watching them be with eachother sometimes is good for me to see. The way they care about eachother reminds me that I'm not just looking for a sketchy hookup with a guy and would like someone there to care for, to hug, to comfort. At times I'm really close to just saying fuck it and going and hooking up, but my gay friends have all advised me against that and seeing that gay people can have stable realationships is pretty huge for me.
But yea watching them hug eachother last night reminded me of Aaron and how much I wished I cud hold him like that. It reminded that although I'm horny as fuck sometimes, that theres more to me.

hmm... in other news I'm up to 200 lbs of muscle and ran a sub six min mile last week.
I'm like in better shape than i have been in a while. I'm debating about whether or not i should play semi pro rugby or just get in sick shape for my own pleasure. I'm like addicted to working out, but wish i had a discipline to gear my training towards. I miss rugby and just team sports in general.

alright, peace and love folks,
Jordy

Is the Shit Headed Towards the Fan?

soo... make this quick cuz i'm sposed to go look for a tree with my family, but...
I woke up this morning and there was a post on my facebook wall written by a gay acquaintence which, depending on the knowledge of the reader, may lead one to conclude I'm gay. It didnt directly state my sexuality, just associated me with an organization...
It was up for 2 hrs, and I deleted it.
I'm kinda worried, but I spose by being around gay people and living a 'double life' I've been asking for it.
I'm worried Aaron might have found out
I need to tell him before rumors get out.
I really dont know what will happen, but to be honest the last person I really need to tell is Aaron, fuck the rest.

So... that'll prbly happen soon. need to clear shit out with him

I'll let you know how it goes
Jordy

My Dilemma

In regards to dating I've ran accross a sort of dilemma. I am conflicted between my desire for a long term commited relationship and my desire for umm.. physicality for a lack of a better word.
I'm at the stage of my life where I am starting to think more about my future, what I want to do, and inevitably who I can live it with (whether friends or lovers). Many of my close friends my age are seriously dating others and some are considering marriage, and I feel that I should also be looking for people I could potentially spend my life with.
But I have a problem with that...
I have no experience being in a relationship with another person. Hell, I don't even have any sexual experience. I'm pretty inexperienced all around and am not even sure what kinda of person I'm looking for yet. I'm definetely not ready to commit to someone in an LTR yet and think that doing so may be a rash decision given my limited experience.
I'm only starting to gain some of the dating experience that many of my heterosexual peers gained when they were entering highschool...
I have the emotional and life needs of a 22 yo, but the sexual and relational needs of a 15 yo... its not a good place to be... it means i have a lot of dating to do.

not only that... but I have a pretty radical fear of commitment. I'm scared of prematurely attaching myself to the wrong person for the wrong reasons. I'm scared of hurting others by being unfaithful and scared of being hurt in the same way.

I really want a committed relationship eventually, but I dont think I'm emotionally capable of having one right now.
But I dont just want to hookup with guys and become a slut, that's not my style either... I dont want sex w/o any sort of connection, I'd feel so gross about myself...
what do I need? Somehow I spose I'm trying to gain the dating experience I really should have had 6 years ago. But that's complicated by all sorts of factors... for example how slutty and deceptive other gay guys can be... the fact that most people seem to be interested in either really serious relationships or plain out be sluts... idk..
maybe i'm over thinking this thing. maybe i just need to find the right guy.

I'm pretty innocent for my age and really dont know what i'm getting myself into with the prospect of a relationship at this point.. but I spose I'll learn.

alright, I think this post was too long and rambly without any concrete examples, next post I'll talk about the kid who I dated several times and how he fell for me.

peace
Jordy

just curious... new poll

i'm really curious to see if there are other athletic gay guys out there. i have to say i've met very few athletes in my experiences with gay culture and even in my dating experience. I'm wondering if this is because of the actual statistical distribution of gay dudes, or if its because of a social construction...
its possible gay athletes find it harder to come out cuz no 1 expects them to be gay and they feel like they have 2 maintain that image... kinda how there were so few gay people at my school.... everyone was 'christian' and had to be 'straight' i didnt buy it for a second, it probs has one of the highest per capita closet rates.
soo... please fill out my poll and answer honestly

thanks for helping my curiousity out
jordy

A lot to catch ya up on

so, yea... been a while since my last post. I think i go through periods in my life where I really want to blog, but then I'll sit down to write something nd nothing comes out. so yea... sorry to those of my few loyal followers who may or may not be left.

but for any of you out there reading this... overall I'm doing well in my life.
I'll fill you in on the details of what's gone down lately in the next couple posts, but overall I'm feeling happy; I have a job now, been hanging with friends, going on dates, and working out lots. My life is in a better place then its been in for a while.

I'd have to say part of my happiness is due to the fact that i've made some legit gay friends. There was this guy on this one site who I found kinda cute so I messaged him. Turns out he has a bf, but is just looking for friends, so we decided to hang. Turned out to be a pretty cool guy. Fun, nice, and a gay guy I can trust to not take advantage of me haha (which a surprising amount of guys would). So i've hung with him and his friends several times. They're a pretty cool group of gay guys. They're not ur stereotypical fem gay guys (not that that's wrong), but several have played sports and they are just guys. Its been good being around gay guys who can understand what i've been thru, and people i can talk about who i think is cute and stuff without making others uncomfortable.

We go out to the gay bars sometimes which is fun mostly because the group of peopl I go with is a quality group. Going with people who i dont know well or are not quality is no fun, but when you know you have people who got ur back and will protect you from the countless ass holes at gay bars its a little easier to relax.

not gonna lie, there arent really many if any attractive gay guys at the bars... like seriously where the fuck did all the athletes go in the gay community.... probs still closeted. So yea the gay bars are def not a place for me to cruise haha, just a place where i can feel like i'm myself with friends.

other than that i'm not sure what to write at this moment.
still havent come out to Aaron and still have yet to get any action haha... maybe i'll find a bf eventually, prob is i'm too damn picky.
there was this one kid who kinda fell for me and i was kinda into him, but he was way more into me than i was him... so that made me nervous nd i kinda shut that down.

I'll post soon

Jordan

Can't do this thing alone....

I've had a sense of loneliness come over me this last week or so, but perhaps sense isn't the correct term. It is more of an attendance to the fact that I have been lonely all along; perhaps for a very long time, perhaps my entire life. I have had many friends and been many places. I have experienced many things and helped many people with my life. But in the end as I look back I'm not sure if there's any time that I've had a sense of being together with someone... a sense of home and a sense of belonging. My entire life I have felt an outsider and at times have successfully numbed that feeling, but it persists within me.

I suppose what I'm looking for in a significant other is precisely that which I have been missing my whole life--the sense of being at home. I'm not really looking for someone who has a nice car, or someone who's fun, or someone who's famous... I can have many of these things on my own... but what I cannot seem to develop without another is the sense of being at home, the sense of being welcomed and loved no matter what.

Yes I'm still gay, but at times my sex drive dries up because my heart begins to focus on the more crucial aspect of being gay, namely our ability to connect, love, and truly care for those of the same gender. It is this ability to find value in another--to see a home in them--that is truly the most important aspect of being gay (at least in the long run).

Don't get me wrong I want the sex, but the sex is only a part of what I'm looking for. I imagine that hookups can be just as alienating as any other experience, they can make one feel that they are even more at loss and without a home.

so yea I'm sick of doing this thing alone and I'm not sure if I can fully flourish without someone else in my life. I think that committed relationships are such a fundamental part of human existence, and I really need to experience that.

But first I have to wade through the shit... the shit of a gay community which is so infected with insecurity and pathological practices that often men can't form committed relationships. The shit of countless men trying to take advantage of me and dealing with those who are attractive and alluring but all together incapable of loving others as they should.

Hopefully one day I will find what I am looking for, and hopefully they will find me.

Jordan

ps this song strangely captures my mood

am i gay?

seriously, like wtf...
I've met 5 guys for dates now (including the one guy I made out w/) and have not really found any of them attractive. The one last night was dec looking, but i just wasn't digging him. When i go out and meet gay guys I rarely find them attractive... like maybe 1/30. And right now i feel like I actually don't have a sex drive...
It's really bothering me actually It's like I don't want to do anything sexual with anyone. Maybe it's just cuz i'm tired, I'm not sure.
Also... Last night I found a pair of breasts somewhat attractive... like wtf! Sex drive, please be consistent.
It's weird cuz last week i was unspeakably horny and ready to get it on with guys.

But yea anyways. Last night was good just hung out with this new guy, he's pretty chill and could be a good friend, and maybe more if i start getting attracted to him.

I just feel bad cuz all the guys I meet or go out with seem to be into me and it's never reciprocated. I don't think i can really control who i'm into, but it's kinda frustrating that I'm not into anyone and seem to have no sex drive...

Another Date

So... I'm about to be off on another date... fourth one since I got back from this summer. We'll see how it goes, wish me luck. I'll let you know how it goes...
I'm turning into a dating machine btw... it's kinda redic

Dangerous Territory

So, meeting guys is turning out to be way more complicated than I anticipated. Apparently gay guys can be just as big as, if not bigger, douches than straight guys are. So yea... where to start...

Last weekend I met this guy through the internet who seemed cool. He wasn't that attractive and I knew I wouldn't be into him, but he wanted to go to the gay bars. I had nothing to do that night so I figured why not and went with it.
The guy was a good guy and I think I'm making good friends with him which is good. He's smart and is a very knowledgeable person when it comes to the gay world, among other things.
As for the gay bar... I felt very out of place there. I was a lot more muscular and bigger than everyone there. I was getting stared at quite a bit and if I would have taken up everyone on their offers to buy me alcohol I probably would have wound up in detox. Not only did I stand out quite a bit but I felt I didn't have much in common with the guys there. A lot of them, no offense here, were stereotypically gay... they talk in a certain way, wear a certain brand of clothing, and like the same music... Not that there's ne thing wrong with that... i just wish there would have been more gay athletes at the bar... but apparently those are quite rare :(
I saw like two hot guys in the whole place, so that was discouraging as well.

So yea that was last weekend. This weekend I was hanging out w/ Aaron his gf and another friend. We went to see a movie downtown, bu then Aaron had to take his gf home, which is too bad cuz i haven't seen him in ages. but whatevs. So i was already in the city when my friend from last week, we'll call him Drew, sent me a text saying I should go out with him to the bars with him. So I figured why not... I'm a pretty open guy to experiencing things and wanted to see if it would be different this time.

This time was quite awkward... for one I ran into the guy who I made out with last summer... we said some polite words but then he like ignored me... not sure what that was about. I got offered more drinks from drunk men who I'd never be interested in. I would meet people who would start talking to me, obviously interested, and Drew was next to me and people would ask if we're together and he'd say no and then it seemed like they all of the sudden turned on him and tried to steal me awya from him... i don't know if i described that well... but it seemed like there was a lot of manipulation and keniving... a lot of talk that was said wasn't honest and was intended more to get into someone's pants than to actually get to know people... it was very weird for me. I'm an honest person and don't like it when people lie or put out an image of who they are in order to manipulate others... totally not cool. I'm sure this isn't completely characteristic of gay bars either... straight guys are just as intent on saying whatever it takes to get into a chicks pants.

When I was there this weekend I also got approached by this middle aged guy who has worked in the modeling industry and thinks I should be a model... he seemed nice at first and actually prbly had legit references to get me into the modeling industry... but after a while I felt creeped out and like he was trying to get into my pants....
I've also gotten offered money for sex several times online....
Damn, what won't guys do to get some...
I really thought finding someone I liked would be easier. I thought once I started looking I'd just find someone to go out with... it really hasn't turned out that way and it is kinda frustrating... but i think i just need to be patient and wait for the right person.

Alright
peace out

Jordy

Coming Out to my Sis

Last week after my second date I was hanging out with my sister and we were talking about stuff just hanging out. The topic of conservative Christianity came up and my sis said she hates the fundamentalists and has pretty liberal views compared to them. So I asked what were her views. She said that she doesn't think someone is going to hell if they're gay... she said that the hate towards gay people, among others is wrong.
So I decided to come out to her. I just told her I was gay. She was really cool about it and said she was glad that I told her. She hugged me and nothing changed.

I'm starting to think that this whole coming out thing was easier than I made it out to be. I'm kinda determined to come out to more people in my life because in the end it will only make me a happier and better person. Sure my dad didn't fully react the way I would have liked him to, but I don't think that means everyone is going to react that way...

The sooner I come out to everyone the more authentic I will feel and the sooner I can start living a good life.

That being said I really wanna come out to Aaron next week.

Alright, I'm over and out

date with the second guy

So my second date didn't go much better than the first. The guy was nice and all, but as with the last date, I wasn't attracted to this guy in person. He has an athletic body, but he has some things working against him: he is shorter than me, prbly 5'8 or 5'7... i'm 6 ft, I just felt like a giant next to him, and couldn't at all imagine kissing him... I could probably pick him up with one arm and toss him across a room. The other thing that killed it was his teeth. He had some mishapped and mis-colored teeth--another reason i wouldn't want to kiss him.

Personality wise he seemed to complain about other people a lot, and I'm not a huge fan of people that bitch about others. He also was kinda stereotypically gay, which I'm not that into.

For the date we hung out at restaurant and went out and walked around the town. it was ok I suppose, and it was good to get experience dating a guy. Not to like brag, but I think I'm actually a good date, I ask good questions and try to make things fun.

As the date wore on I could tell this guy was into me more than I was into him, and so that whole, "oh shit he likes me, i gotta run!" mentality kicked in... If I'm not sexually into a guy it just gets awkward for me when they are. maybe this is my inexperience or it's just who I am.
I haven't talked much to this guy since the date... oh well plenty of fish in the sea, right?

New Layout and Pics

I was getting sick of my old layout and pics, so I changed it up. I think this one kinda sucks, but let me know what you think... Any suggestions would be nice.

I really wish blogger had more templates, does ne 1 know where I can download some?

so yea this is gonna be what the layout looks like, please don't stop reading just cuz there isn't a beautiful pic of a boy on my front page.

p.s. read my new post below this one too

A lot to catch up on

Hey there folks,
It's been a while, kinda fell behind in my blog. So much has happened in the last week or two that I have thought about posting, however I ended up not posting any of it because I got overwhelmed with how long I would have had to spend witting said post.

So I've decided to write about what's been going on but I'll be doing it in several short posts rather than a large one.

So... to catch you up to speed...
I've started dating guys and trying to get more gay friends. As of now the only real avenue I have of meeting guys besides walking into a gay bar is the internet, so I've been on some gay networking sites talking with people and setting dates/hang out times with.
I've decided that I really want to be in a relationship and I figure right now in my life is the perfect time for me to do so. I don't have the pressure of school and I'm free of a lot of people who would look down on me for dating guys. That being said i'm not just looking for anyone and won't be desperately throwing myself at anything with a penis... I suppose my standards are high when it comes to how guys look and, on top of that, a lot of the guys I have met so far I feel are (no offense intended here) more feminine. There's nothing wrong with that, i'm just not into it. Of the gay population there is probably a small percent I'd be into... which is fine, just means I need to be patient and really look around. It also means I need to meet more gay guys cuz they might have friends I'd be into.

so yea I've met three guys so far.
The first was kinda awkward, I met him through a friend I met on a social networking site. We went out to eat and just chatted He was a smart guy, med student, but I was not attracted to him at all... he just didn't do it for me--he wasn't as hot in person as I thought he'd be. He could be a good friend I suppose, but he seemed to be really into me... and I have this thing about how I hate leading people on and get really awkward when they're into me and I'm not into them... so I haven't really talked to him since last week.
I'll write about my second and third dates at another time...

btw i have a date coming up w/ a new guy that i'm pretty stoked for...

anyways peace out
Jordo

Time to come out

Lately I've been thinking that it's about damn time that I come out... to everyone.
I'm sick of this half in half out of the closet bull shit. I'm already out to my parents and they still love me just as much as they ever have... so i figure the hardest parts over... maybe

I'm out to my mom and dad and several school friends, but i need to come out to everyone. Which includes Aaron and the rest of the guys from the team (at least the ones I am still friends with).

I can't live this compartmentalized and dishonest life anymore. I want to be authentic and gain a greater degree of transparency in my life.

I suppose the only thing that is holding me back is the nagging thought that I would loose Aaron, as well as other friends, if they really knew who I was. The fear of loss is holding me back....

speaking of Aaron and coming out... listen to these two dialogs I've had with him in the past couple weeks:


We were in the car with another one of our friends (who is pretty conservative)and we're talking about some girl the con likes...
then Aaron turns to me
'Jordo, so you think you ever wanna get married?'
'I don't know, kinda depends on if I find someone to get married to?'
'do you want a girlfriend?'
'I don't know'
Then he said with a completely straight face (no sarcasm I could sense),
'how bout a boyfriend?'
at this point I think I would have told him the truth if it weren't for the damned con guy in the car (who was probably quite uncomfortable at this point)
so i skimped out, 'I don't know what I want outta life right now.... [insert bullshit here].....'
then Aaron seemed to drop it...


k, here's another convo


I was over at his place and we we're talking about something random... i can't remember exactly why

then Aaron goes, "It's cuz you like guys isn't it?"

me- '....[insert long pause]..."

Aaron- 'it's ok you can be honest with me' [another pause] .. now jokingly he says " i see the way you look at _______ [ex roomie who i'm not attracted to at all]."

then i can't remember exactly what happened from then on out.
keep in mind that one of his roomies was in the room when he said that... damn roomies. I probs would have came out to him then if it weren't for his roomie.


but yea so how do you folks think he'll respond to me?

my biggest problem right now is trying to figure out how to come out to Aaron and the rest of my friends... like do i just bring it up in a random convo or do i set a dinner date up and prepare a speech. It's gonna be an awkward situation no matter what... even if it goes well. I just dislike the idea of having to plan or set up a coming out... i just wish it would happen naturally... or like some one would out me.
suppose that's a cop out... but it still doesn't help me figure out how im gonna comeout.


alright let me hear what you think

peace out
Jordy

Looking

So yea, it's been a while since my last post. That's mostly cuz nothing eventful has happened. My life is pretty boring right now. Most days i just sit around the house surfing the net for jobs and unsuccessfully attempting to motivate myself to take the necessary steps towards me getting a job/more interesting life....

but yea i'm sitting in the house a lot and it's boring... i don't have much social interaction these days which sucks, cuz for the past 4 years i've been surrounded by people, and although at times i got very sick of these people for various reasons it was still good having people around. Now i'm more or less alone.

I need a bf or something.... anything... just a friend would suffice

Although i have to say this whole being a lone thing.... it has grown on me in a strange way... meaning i'm starting to forget what it was like living with other people. I'm forgetting what it's like to accommodate others into my schedule, and what it was like to give up my personal space for others, and how to listen to an upset roomie even when you wanna go to bed... so now when i have people visit or when i visit others i get annoyed quickly and find myself wanting more time to my lonesome.
i mean these may be annoyances... but learning to deal with these annoyances is actually how i've learned to be a better person... it's how i've learnt to relate to others and build meaningful relationships


but lately i've just straight up been tired... really tired. sleepy tired, but also just exhausted in a sort of deep sense...

to be honest i think it's a sort of depression which was caused by all the events of last year (and the previous 3 years)... i think depression can leave scars on out minds and oour physiology, and it has on mine. It's not that i'm conciously depressed about anything either... it's like my bodies depressed, or i'm subconsciously down. I just feel tired a lot and don't really enjoy things as much as i have in the past. Like i'm not working out as much as i have in the past, i don't enjoy eating, my sex drive has disappeared, and i don't really enjoy having friends around that much. I'm kinda sick of everything under the sun...
I think i really need to find something worth living for.... something to instill meaning into my life and into the world again for me. not sure what that is gonna be so i'm still looking....
looking for a job, a bf, and a little more meaning in life


and oh, btw i also started taking anti depressants... it's an ssri. i've had some panic attack issues too lately. I've realized that i'm at the point where these meds are needed in my case... my body needs whatever chemicals are there that help you sleep and help you eat and help you enjoy the things you used to enjoy.... so i hope they help that out.

I wouldn't say i'm dangerously depressed, or even close to it... i'm more just in a state of lethargy.... a state of disillusionment with life. but i need to find work to make money and i do want to find meaning in life again... i do want to feel value again... so i'm working on it and i'm making strides in the right direction.. that's what life is about right

and after all the shit i went through last year.... well i figure i should give myself some grace in terms of not having my shit together at the moment, but at least i'm working on it....

i'll post soon about my fam/friends and coming out sitch with them...

peace be with you

jordy




ps with regards to my last post... it wasn't really a serious post... in fact i think that gay relationship could be quite a beneficial thing to society so long as society learned to utilize these relationships.... i don't want to go into that now... suffice to say that i didn't mean to offend anyone and was mostly looking for all y'alls reasons as to why being gay is a positive thing for our society.

is there meaning in being gay

Lately I've been lamenting the fact that I am gay. Don't worry i'm not gonna go crazy and try conversion therapy or anything of the sort... I don't hate myself, i'm just remorseful about the seemingly gratuitous implications which follow the fact that I am attracted to men and not women.

First and foremost my homosexual desires seem superfluous in the grand scheme of things. Heterosexual attraction has a function, namely binding together a mating pair that they may continue the species... Heterosexual's desires are aimed at an important end, the continuation of humanity. Homosexual desires seem quite irrelevant to the preservation of the species, and even to the general well being of humanity... If everyone were straight it seems the world would function harmoniously. The reverse, that humanity would flourish if we were all gay, is simply not true.

It saddens me to think that these desires of mine, desires which I hold dearly, are seemingly aimed at no more noble end than that of my own happiness. I wonder why God would make me this way, for what purpose, for what end...

so yea... I'm curious with regards to my readers... especially those in homosexual relationship... what use or value does your relationship have? what purpose does it serve? (I'm not convicted that homosexuality is indeed a superfluous desire, it is just a sentiment which I am more or less afflicted by)

I suppose that something may be said in favor of romantic relationships as strengthening the fabric of society as a whole (regardless of the child bearing capacity of said relationships)... and it can be said that self fulfillment in personal matters (such as sexuality) enable us to live a more full, efficacious and mmeaingful life... however the thought looms over my head that homosexual relationships are more or less inferior to heterosexual ones in the their overall average utility... a heterosexual relationship can do everything a homosexual one can and more (babies!!!!)....which makes homosexuality seem to me to be some bizarre and useless evolutionary mishap...

i'm loosing focus and need sleep

It also saddens me to think that my desires really wouldn't enable me to have children... i mean i could adopt, but it wouldn't be the same...

and it makes me angry to think that being gay means that i have to more or less enter into 'gay culture' in order to find a partner... like i just wish i could keep living my life and i'd find mr right... i don't like the parts of gay culture i have seen and don't anticipate i'm gonna fit in well at all... arghhh......

anyways... it makes me wonder if I even want a relationship... what's the point? It seems like a lot of work and effort for something that is limited in its utility to others.....

alright i'll sleep on it...

Jordo

up from the grave

...

hi there all

I didn't die nor did I sink into a pit of despair and wallow in it for two months

I had a job that prevented me from communicating from the outside world

Good news is that i'm doing well, much better than before

I've had some time to think about things and I have come to some conclusions

- My random drunken make out session two months ago was not a good decision, here's why: I only made out with him because i wanted to prove it to myself that men found me attractive and would do shit with me. hell, i didn't even find him attractive. I just wanted to show myself that i wasn't a lost cause.... I had very little self esteem at that point in time and was desperately lonely, so I used a random make out sess to try and ease my soul. It definitely didn't work. All it accomplished in me was to create a sense that i would never have the experience of holding someone i actually cared for. Oh and it also made me feel slutty because I essentially paid this guy a make out session in order to get affirmation that i was hot.

Don't worry tho, i'm over feeling like a slut and at the present my self esteem is pretty high.

- Having friends you love and trust is more important than sexual satisfaction.
These last two months i've been working with people who came to be good friends of mine. they were and are people i love in a purely platonic way. It is those friendships which brought me out of my depression not a romance. hell romance often brings depression and mental instability... it should only be attempted if one's surrounded by a good group of friends, or one could loose their marbles.

- Loving others is the most important thing in the world
I'm convinced that a life without love is not worth living (love being used here in a non-sexual way). love brings meaning to life because when we love we live no longer for ourselves, but for others. I have realized that my life can't simply be about me getting what i want and falling in love and living the dream life... why? because that life is selfish, it is concerned only for me and what i can gain. But the question i ought to ask is this, "How can my life be used to benefit others? How can my life be a part of the whole" An egocentric life is devoid of meaning in theory but more importantly in practice. For this last year i have been fairly egocentric and have worried more about myself than anything in this world. I have been so caught up in my own struggles that i have failed to look up and see what's happening around me. I have valued my personal desires and hopes more than anything... But in doing so i only sunk into a deep depression, exasperated by my inability to attain my hopes and forlorn about the prospect of ever reaching my desires.
My struggles are important, but if they are taken out of context, that is if they are elevated in meaning over all other struggles and all other things, they become a destructive idol which consumes my soul.... but the truth is that I exist not simply for my own benefit, but also for the good of others. I exist as a part of a whole and part of my existence is to love others... Loving others involves thinking about the good of the other as equal with my good... It involves taking into concern and worrying about not only my problems but also the issues of others. But i have often failed to stop worrying about my own life and in doing so i have elevated my concerns above others... in short i have failed to love... but these last couple weeks i put my problems to the side and was enable to actually love others because i took on their issues. I took on their problems as having equal weight as my own and in doing so i have found meaning. The value of my life is no longer solely mine to define... it does not solely hinge on whether i meet my desire of having a boy friend or a lover... it is contingent upon my ability to care for others in an unconditional sort of way... It is only in giving that we receive and in loving that we find love... this is true because in reality we are part of a bigger picture, in reality we are meant to be part of a whole and we are most ourselves when we are loving others....

so yea i'm gonna make efforts to love people more... even my parents. part of that means to set aside the drama of my life and to take up their concerns. to see them as equals to myself.

- I am a Christian
No i'm not going to condemn anyone, and i still think that homosexuality is not a sin. but i have been doing a lot of thinking and have found God compelling both in theory and in reality... but compelling is not quite the right word... i have found that the words of God and what i know about him calling me to live a different life. Christianity has a certain pull or call on my life. I cannot deny the message of Jesus nor can I deny that all the world hinges upon his love and grace.
I don't intend on defending myself so if you hate me for being a Christian or you think i'm crazy or stupid or hateful, please rest assured i'm not... i'm not here to hate on anyone i'm just here being honest about what i believe.

that being said I think that the only hope in life is found in God... part of that hope is loving others as i discussed above... I'm not totally sure what it means to place hope in god... but i think part of it means that I find my value not in what i do or in what i can succeed in, or in what others tell me, but that i find my value in his love for me. An integral part of being a Christian is to accept God's gracious and uncoditional love and let that love transform one.

No i don't have God's love figured out, but i want to understand it more... i want to make positive steps in reclaiming the Christianity which i have walked away from.


ok so those are all my epiphanies...

on another note i'm living at home with my parents and things are going well....
my dad told me today that i could talk with him about anything and that he would love me and support me no matter what, even if we disagree... he said he has been reading and rethinking homosexuality... i think he is ready to recognize the legitimacy of my position even if he does not agree with it.... what more could i ask for.

so right now my goal in life is to love others and to accept God's grace. Which starts with loving my parents and brother and attempting to find contentment in my daily life.... we'll see where that leads

I gotta go to bed, but yea

keep it real

Jordan

Kiss

So... I kissed a boy.

Actually it was more like a hot and sweaty making out session.

I don't feel like explaining it all right now, but I will say he was a nice guy and nothing more happened (no not even jacking off).

So i guess i'm no longer a kissing virgin.

it was fun, but i'm not sure how i feel about it.

It was an entirely different way of relating to guys than i'm used to... i'm used to hanging out and talking about sports and then high fiving eachother when it's time to say goodbye... def not used to having a hot make out sess as entertainment and then a french kiss as a goodbye...


but yea i suppose it's good to get it outta the way, i just wish it would've been with aaron or someone i'm emotionally connected to.

I'll write more about this latter,

Jordo

Life as it is

Hey all,

So I've been MIA the past umm... week and a half. I sorta fell off the face of the earth really.

Im sorry for not posting in a while. I really don't know what happened to my creative and reflective drive; I suppose it went on a sabbatical.

Well the good news is I'm alive.

bad news is I'm more bored than i have been in my entire life. Living at home sucks. As much as I despise my Uni friends for their homophobia I kinda miss having people to hang with. Its better than being a lone all the time.

last week my car broke down and my cell phone stopped working, so i was basically stuck at home with out any way to reach out to the rest of the world.


I have to cut this post short...
but i have some exciting (if not terrifying news)

I have a date...

holy shit how did that happen haha

well the internet is awesome... that's all i have to say.

I'm nervous right now, cuz I'm leaving on it soon, but i will write about it latter.

just wish me luck...


much love
and sorry for not being there for you

Jordy

Life keeps trucking

Well, it’s been a while since my last post, almost a week. Considering that I’m done with major course work one might think that I would have all the time and energy in the world to sit down and write about my life—quite the opposite has happened. It’s not that I haven’t had time and energy; it’s simply that I didn’t have any words to say. That’s mostly due to the fact that this week has been about recovery for me. The good news is that I’m starting to recover; I’m happy, I feel in good almost great shape, I’ve been spending time outside and cycling frequently, and I’m starting to hope in the future again.

Considering my absence I feel I have some things I need to catch you, my awesome reader up on. Where to start….. all right I’ll jump right in with the most urgent of all my present concerns:

--As of lately I have been extremely horny. I want some action and I want it now. Maybe it’s because I’ve never been kissed, perhaps it’s the summer air, and maybe it’s my newfound freedom from that damned school I attended, but I’ve been on fire lately. I’m tempted to just drive down to some bar and get picked up for a one night stand (even though that is something I will definitely not do—although maybe I should). As evidence of my horniness, I wanked 4 times yesterday, and twice today… I think I jacked it 6 times in 36 hours… that’s once every 6 hours… wtf? Am I going through puberty again.


Alright onto the next thingy

--Aaron was away for a week and got back in town yesterday and we hung out some today.
He’s beautiful, absolutely beautiful. Due to my present horniness I’d say I was on the edge of just grabbing him and just full out putting my toungue down his throat… or putting something else down it… jk …. kinda… not really (dirty thoughts…)
But yea I’m really conflicted about what to do about that stud I happen to have fallen for.
I’m gonna do a post about him asking for your advice about what to do… it will be titled what to do about aaron, so stay tuned.
But yea I’ve decided that my next step in my coming out process is to come out to aaron. I just don’t know how to do it. Do I try to get drunk with him and then let sexual stuff ‘happen’? Do I come out to him cold turkey? Do I let him ‘accidently’ find gay porn on my computer? I really don’t know. Part of the issue is that I still am not sure he’s straight. The other part of the issue is that I’m worried I will loose him as a friend.
All my dramatic coming out thoughts concerned, I’ve been less down thinking about Aaron lately because I realize that Aaron, the good friend and awesome dude he is, is only one fish in the sea. There are many other guys out there who I have the potential of having a relationship with—guys who I actually know are gay. In some ways it’d be sad if I have to move on, but in other ways it’s refreshing. It let’s me know that I’m not bound to a particular person or a particular fate. I am free. I can move on, forgive, forget, and see the beauty in another person in the same way I see Aaron.
I’ll post about this latter (oh and this future post will have some juicy stories in it)

Aight, my next thingy:

--I’ve been frequenting a gay dating site and have been getting positive responses from some people. It feels good. Generally I have low self-esteem about my appearance (among other things), so it’s been nice to receive some attention. *On an interesting note I was talking with James from Just Me and he said that perhaps my low self-esteem regarding my looks is due to the fact that I haven’t been complimented by a guy who I like regarding my looks, so I haven’t believed that any male would find me attractive. This seems to make sense because I have been complimented by girls, but for some reason their accolades do little to change my self image.*
But yea… this site is cool… and it kinda ties into my earlier post about being horny… I really really really want to kiss some one. Lame, I know, I’m still a virgin… in every conceivable way… but I want to be physically intimate with someone. I feel it’d be good for my heart and soul. To be held, to affirm another, to be affirmed, and to, well, kiss… that’d be awesome. Problem is I need someone else to do this with. Aaron’s not doing the job… so…. Hopefully I find someone to um… kiss??? Haha idk…

Next:
--Relations with parents are doing well. They still love me. They appreciate me as a person and everything I bring to my family. Due to this I feel welcomed at home, perhaps more than I ever have.
Problem: I have yet to discuss my homosexuality with my dad since our shitstorm of a conversation.
Problem 2: I haven’t talked to my mom about I that much
Problem 3: I don’t know if my mom believes I’m gay… apparently I’m too masculine or something. Maybe if I start wearing mascara and high heels she’ll get the picture?
Problem 4: My siblings are in the dark regarding my orientation… and when they find out the shit will hit the fan
Problem 5: Is my brother gay?

Alright problem 5 deserves discussion:

Ok I have no solid reason to think my brother’s gay. My brother is entering HS next year, and is a chill dude—different than me in some ways, but very similar in others. I think we’re both the kind of people who have a very deep capacity for empathy, feelings, and thought, but we like to hide it. We censor our actual thoughts and bottle up our feelings. We do this not because we think our feelings or thoughts are wrong, but because we know many people our age and maturity level wouldn’t have the depth to understand us. I see this trait in my little bro…
Anyways, him and his friends were talking tonight… I heard one say, ‘_________ didn’t you say you have a gay cuz?’ my bro replies, ‘yea…’ He looks at me as to ask if my cuz is gay. I nod my head. Then his friends begin talking about gayness, albeit in a very junior high manner, but their words were potentially cutting. ‘that’s weird,’ ‘who would do that,’ ‘so and so is gay I saw him kissing a dude [meant as an insult]’ now all throughout this little discursion my bro didn’t say shit. Hmmm… now when I was his age I wasn’t thinking about homosexualit… however, it’s not an uncommon age to come to some sort of sexual epiphany. Then the thought struck me that perhaps he could be gay… what if he is? He’s probably freaking out right now… way worse than I am.
I know that there is a potential genetic componenet to sexuality, perhaps he picked it up to? There’s also something about birth order too, the more older brothers u have the more likely u are to be gay… which would mean he’s more likely to be gay. I’m pretty gay (as in I’m severely and exclusively attracted to males), so that can’t be in my bro’s favor as far as being a het goes…
So if he is gay, my coming out to him would be a huge ass relief… just a thought. He wouldn’t have to go through half the shit I went through (tho he would still have to deal with a lot).
Idk just a thought… It would be kinda funny too if 3 out of the four males who were grandchildren of my dad’s dad ended up being gay… and who knows the other male is still young, what if it were all four!!! That’d be redic…haha

Ne ways,
I’m doing better and I’m gonna go to bed

Expect to hear from me in the short future.

Oh and btw u gays rock!!!
Peace

Jordy

Whatever Gets You Through the Night

Last night was rough. Everything I had been dealing with finally caught up to me and I had a crisis. Anxiety, headaches, stomach sickness; my body and mind were taking the toll for the turmoil in my life.

This sudden onset may have been due to the fact that I had a paper due this morning which I need to complete in order to graduate. The paper was originally due several weeks ago, but with coming out to my parents, Aaron, ect. I was too emotionally distracted to invest any energy in completing the paper. My teachers had noticed a decline in my academic performance and were very concerned, so they gave me an extension due to extenuating circumstances (note to you younger guys get to know your profs in college, they'll save your ass when you need them). Anyways, I really needed to have this paper in by today or I'd fail.

Last night I was freaking out because I was so tired and depressed and didn't think i had the energy to complete the paper.

But... I pulled through
That bitch is done... stick a fucking fork in it!

how'd I do it? Honestly I am not completely sure.

Although, it may have something to do with the nicotine and alcohol....

So basically I was freaking out and I remembered talking to my mom earlier that night. I asked her what anti-anxiety meds do to your neuro transmitters. She said they emit a blocker (gabba i think???) which blocks your other neurotransmitters and effectively deadens your nervous system. Half in jest and half serious I asked he why I shouldn't just drink booze. She said it's effects are to acute and not sustained enough... for normal life...

I also remembered that stimulants tend to help those with attention defecit disorders...

So i went to the gas station at about midnight

two cigars and a few shots latter my paper was done...
wtf happened... I don't know.

Part of it too was I realized that I HAD to get this bitch done. I kicked it into gear. Got some booze and tabacy to calm me down and just did it. I may or may not have taken a porn break. I did fall asleep at seven in the morning, but i woke up in time to put on the finishing touches.

I'm proud of myself and I feel sooo good now that it's done.

In fact I'm like a thousand times better than I was last night.

I checked my grade on the paper just now I got an A... suck it


At about three last night i hit a writers block so I took a break to go smoke and drink. I climbed out the window onto the roof with a half full glass of rum and a cigar. It was possibly the most beautiful night I've been witness to in a while. There was practically no wind, the city was silent, the sky was jet black, and the stars shone bright, even for being so close to the city. 100 proof Captain Morgan with a cigar is quite bitter at first, but my mouth was quickly numbed. The plumes of smoke circulated around me as I slowly finsihed the cigar. It was so calm a night I was blowing smoke rings (something which I forgot I could do).

As I was laying on the roof facing the heavens I had the thought that perhaps things would turn out alright. If you look into the stars long enough you can get lost. You forget yourself, where you are, all your pains, and even to a degree your hopes. You see that the universe keeps going on with or without you and that things will be beautiful even if you fail and even if you succeed. Perhaps I was experiencing God's grace or maybe it was me taking a step closer to nirvana... then again it could just be the booze. Regardless of the cause of my new found state of bliss and release I felt assured that things would work themselves out, and that if I did my best and stay true to myself things will come together.

I'm still feeling better. Now with that paper done I can do away with performance anxiety and focus more on personal issues. I can also start working out regularly again... which will greatly help my mood out.

I am still gonna go to a pyschiatrist and get evaluated for ADD, depression and anxiety. I think drugs may be able to help stabilize my mood, and if nothing else hopefully they could get me some meds for my ADD.

So yea, I'm feeling better and a little excited about the future.

random career thought: I'm gonna go apply for a job at a small guitar shop downtown for next year... That'd be awesome because I really love guitar. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but i'm pretty good at guitar. Tonight my sister, who is very musical, said that I'm the best guitar player she's heard in person... and now that i think about it I have run personally across maybe one or two people who were on my level or better. So I might have a dec shot at getting a job there.

Thanks so much for all your comments, concern, and words of wisdom. It's good hearing your thoughts and knowing that people out there care.

Alright I'm gonna go to bed,

Much love and keep it real,

Jordo

Plug : Welcome in Nick

We have a new blogger in our gay/bi sphere-ish blog thingy...

So stop over and welcome in Nick from SimplyNick

He's a cool dude who happened to come out to one of his best friends tonight as well as start up a blog. I'm happy for him...

so stop by and welcome him in... and be nice to him, or else...

Peace

Jordo

In pieces

As of late things have been hard on me. Even before coming out to my mother I was a wreck. Couldn't focus, having head aches a lot, feeling sick, random fits of anger...

I think I'm suffering from chronic depression and anxiety... and I have a really hard time saying that. I feel weak and stupid, like once people know i'm hurting they'll reject me cause i'm too much of a burden... I have a problem being vulnerable, here and in real life. I want to have everything together, be the perfect athlete, scholar, friend, ect.
But lately I feel as though everything has fallen apart. For four years I've carried in my heart the secret of my sexuality and harbored there all the feelings of rejection and isolation that a homophobic society wishes to instill in me.

Every morning i wake up anxious, sometimes i don't even know why. I can't focus and my brain feels like its turned to jelly.

I think it's all cause of the stresses associated with being closeted person. Being closeted is a chronic stress which, as any chronic stress does, slowly eats away at you from the inside. I feel my state is continually getting worse.

Most people can't tell that things are wrong with me, cuz i'm really good at hiding it. I don't show emotion all that easily, which sucks cause i feel it easier than anyone i know.


idk where i'm going with all of this... it's a very disorganized post so sorry for that... i barely make sense...


All I know is it feels like i'm grieving... grieving for the potential loss of friends, grieving for my mental state, grieving cuz i fell apart academically, grieving cuz i feel like a total failure, grieving for the life I could have had if things had played out different, grieving for Aaron.....



anyways, onto the specifics in my life...

I moved out of my campus housing yesterday and am now living at home. the moving process sucked, but it's done

I have had to take incompletes in two of my classes because i fell apart at the end of school. I have until next fall to finish a couple of papers... which won't be that bad. In addition to that i'm supposed to turn in a paper tomorrow, but i can't think right now. I've been trying to work on it and my mind will just wonder off, or i'll start getting anxious again. I feel pretty sick and i just can't focus....

we ate dinner as a family tongiht. I just sat there silent the whole time. i couldn't talk i've been too stressed. Thoughts kept circling in my head and the impending thought that this paper is due tomorrow was haunting me. On top of that I kept on thinking about my friends...
Anyways my mom talked to me afterwards. she wants me to go see a pyschiatrist to get some meds to help me out for the time being... she's right it'd prbly be better for me... she's a psych teacher. she's awesome tho and just hugged me and loved me. She doesn't understand everything i'm going through but she's here for me.

anyways... Last night aaron, i and some friends went to see star trek. It was dec. but afterwards I just felt like shit cuz I feel like Aaron's been treating me like shit lately. he's been snappy and doesn't really talk to me that much... and it hurts me. after the movie was over i really wanted to hug him goodbye cuz he is leaving for home for a couple days, but we didn't hug he just high fived me... what is that? fucking middle school?

In general I don't feel like any of my friends appreciate me that much. I'm the kind of person that needs a lot of encouragement in order to function. I need people telling me i'm worthwhile otherwise i feel like shit. even if i do well at school, or sports, or whatev i feel like shit about it until someone affirms me... and lately i've been deprived of much affirmation... People also pick on me sometimes... I'm kinda slow and disorganized .... actually quite so ... and sometimes people give me shit about it, most of the time it doesn't bother me, but lately it has been. Especially when aaron does it.

Also, yesterday after star trek one of my friends said i was like spock... i don't express emotion... ouch
I try to be emotional and have fun and stuff.... but it's been hard lately cuz i've been thinking about so much, and i can't talk to everybody about coming out to my parents and shit.... so i spose they're right... I do feel very bottled up, like i have a lot of things to say and no one is listening...

I don't know where this post was going... i forgot.

but yea I'm struggling right now and I don't know what to do.
I feel like I've watched everything fall to pieces. My life feels like it's crumbling, and i don't know what to do.
If life were a video game i'd hit the reset button and everything would be alright, but it isn't... it just keeps going.
I need a break, and i need a person or people to live life with me who will take care of me and help me take care of myself.

Alright this is an end to a long and disorganized post

Jordo

Poll and Color Change

I got bored today so I decided to (a) change the colors of my blog and (b) add a poll to my blog.

I decided to change the colors because I got sick of the dark blue... it was far too dreary and dull. I like the color red a lot, especially on good looking guys.

I added a poll in order to see how far a long in the 'coming out process' my readers are. I'm just curious as to who actually read this thing....

Alright
I've got some work to do, see y'all later

Still Drunk

So we had our grad ceremony yesterday. I still have some papers to write for class but I'm mostly done...

We went out to celebrate last night... and I think I'm still a little drunk...so don't expect this post to be eloquent or well organized.

Fact: when I get drunk I feel up people a lot
There's this really hot guy who I like but haven't met yet, and unfortunately may never meet, who i kept running into. At one point I think I felt up his back and i think he lookd at me.. not sure if it was in a good way or not, too drunk to tell. I have had the suspiscion that he may be gay... but there's no way to tell.... i did see him talking w/ girls...so that's unfortunate, but helll i talk to girls too

But yea I kinda like being drunk cuz usually i don't touch people much cuz i don't want people to know i'm gay or anything, but when I'm drunk i don't give a shit.
got kinda touchy with aaron so that was fun. He got real sick tho and threw up... felt bad for him. At the place we were at he was pretty messed so i followed him around to make sure he'd be alright. When we got back to his place i tried to take care of him, but he was pretty insistent on being a lone on the toilet... whatevs. i had fun talking to some of his roomies and a girl who i tried to set up one of his roomies with (which i did rather successfully given my drunken state).

I still need to come out to aaron....
i think at one point aaaron might have asked someone if they thought i was gay.. but that could be all in my head....

idk... i'm messed up
don't know how i feel about being graduated.
glad i had some fun last night.
wish i wuda at least made out w/ someone...
and oh yeah things are doing better with my dad... i'll post about that latter

love

Jordo

ps... hard cider is actually way stronger than i thought.. 8 percent... and i was drinking cider all night at the same rate my friends were drinking 4 percent beer... i still didn't throw up, so i'm proud of myself (although if i wuda puked i wudn't feel like shit right now)

Sleepless Nights

My sleep schedule is F***ed up beyond repair.
It's 4 in the morning and I can't sleep... I'm too anxious, and I've got way too much going on in my head right now... I don't want to talk about it all right now, but I feel like writing something to help my mind calm down.
I figured I'd writes some shit about myself... perhaps let you know me a little better. so here is a list--of no particular number or order--which lets you know a little about me.

1. I am the oldest of three
2. Only one person has ever asked me directly and seriously if I am gay, and I didn't lie to them.
3. 9 people in the world know I'm gay, but only one of those people I see on a regular basis
4. I wish I would have never have come to this university
5. I am quite proficient at playing the guitar.
6. I write my own music and lyrics and can sit down and freestyle for hours
7. Freshman year of college I became really introverted and played guitar in my room by myself for at least 2 hours a day (hence me becoming good at guitar).
8. growing up i wasn't that athletic, so i still conceive of myself as unathletic.
9. In eighth grade i weighed 160 pounds, by the end of ninth grade I weighed 105 pounds. I lost all that weight due to the fact that i started playing sports seriously (I lost all fat weight)
10. By the end of my senior year in HS i weighed 185 pounds
11. Now i weigh 205 pounds
12. once during HS i was told by the doctor i had an unhealthily low amount of body fat. In fact my parents thought i was anorexic. I wasn't, I was just working out a lot due to sports.
13. I was a really late bloomer... I don't think I had my biggest growth spurt until the summer before senior year, and even then i wasn't done growing.
14. Despite being relatively tall, I don't think of myself that way because I grew up shorter than every one else.
15. Once during HS I was wearing this nice new shirt which was stylish and perhaps even flamboyant. I liked the shirt a lot. In fact i had been wearing several new shirts to school around that time. One of my good HS friends was talking to me and made the following comment regarding my shirts, "man either jordo's got all kinds of new shirts coming out of his closet or he's coming out himself" After that somewhat lame joke i thought to myself... 'oh shit, I'm gay'
16. despite wearing nice shirts most straight people would not stereotype me as gay... in fact many times i appear more masculine than my straight friends.
17. i'm really gay... Like really really. evidence: when i see a good looking guy walking towards and i'm talking with someone i freeze up and forget whatever I had to say... I'm caught speechless... I don't know how more of my friends haven't figured me out (or called me out)
18. I've never been kissed, but I really really want to be kissed, and more.
19. I'm a romantic at heart but often come off as reserved or unemotional
20. I've been in love twice... both times have been really rough (with guys who consider themselves straight).
21. I have no idea what i want to do with my life.
22. I'm really bitter at Christianity (the social institution) for the harm it's done to my life and countless of other gay persons.
23. I think that if society didn't care if people were gay or not there'd be a lot more gay people out there... and i'd be getting way more action.
24. I think that if i didn't have to deal with the stresses of being in the closet/coming out/being in an oppressive environment I'd be far more motivated and successful in school (i do pretty well already tho...), I'd be far less depressed, i'd be able to sleep at night, and I'd be more functional
25. the thing which i want most in life at this moment is some form of intimacy, preferably romantic. I want to really care for someone and feel that love reciprocated.
26. I've been told I have good thighs, but i think the best part of my body is my torso
27. I find sexy legs really attractive... legs are so much more important for athletics than arms... that's why I like them so much
28. I am really tired and this post is getting to long
29. I am glad I started this blog cuz i've met some awesome people
30. Someday I hope to put all of my baggage behind me and live a peaceful and fruitful life... with a bf, a family, and friends that i love.


Jordo

Love Stricken

Despite all my efforts I still deeply love Aaron. I suppose I wasn't really making an effort to extinguish my love for him, I was just kind of hoping my love of him would die out slowly. Contrary to my wishes my love of him burns as bright as ever.

Tonight we hung out, went out to eat, then went back to his place and were watching a movie. It was just me and him on the ground in front of the tv. After the movie we both laid there for a while talking a little. There was a little teasing and touching I suppose, but nothing worth mentioning. Anyways, I just can't tell if he has feelings for me, but I really have feelings for him. I really care for him. And i really wanted to like reach out to him and cuddle for real tonight. I didn't tho, i was too scared. I'm kind of a chicken because i freeze up when he touches me. I dunno
I just can't make sense of it all, all I know is that i love him.

It sucks too cuz i don't just love him in a 'let's have sex' way. I want to be there for him, I want to be with him, hear his pains, and really care for him. But right now he has a gf and is so freaking flaky at times. I don't know what to do.

i'm lonely right now
I really wish i were still with him cuddling. But i'm back at my place all alone and I can't sleep.
i know I'm whiny, but oh well, I really wish I had some physical loving in my life, some romantic appreciation....

Anyways, I'm in love with Aaron, and I will probably always love him... I love him to the point it hurts, and that is hard...

I wonder if he'll ever know how much I care about him.

whatevs, he'd prbly be creeped out if he knew how i really felt about him...
oh well


Night

Jordo

Some Dreams

So this post is not about anything that has actually transpired in my life. Instead it is a portrait of things which I wish were the case.

In case you haven't heard about how my father reacted when i came out read the previous post.
This is what i wish would have happened the morning after told my mom I was gay.
________________________________________

As i woke up that morning life seemed hazy and surreal. "Mom I am gay," did those words really come from my lips? How did I find the strength to say it? I thought that maybe I was still dreaming and I'd wake up and find nothing had changed. But my churning stomach and screaming headache evidenced that I was not asleep.

My mom took the news well but telling her had only intensified my anxiety. My mom was not who I was worried about coming out to. Mom has always wanted me to live a happy life. It was dad whom I was so nervous about coming out to. How would he take the news? Would his religious beliefs stop him from accepting me? Would he be disappointed in me? These are the questions that burnt in my mind and churned my stomach. These are the questions which kept me from coming out to my parents.

As I was laying there restlessly examining the source of my anxiety my phone rung. I froze in fear. Those few seconds felt like an eternity. I came to my senses and looked at my phone, dad was calling. I my stomach got weak and blood rush to my face. Reluctantly I answered.

"Hello"
"Jordan, it's so good to hear your voice, I've been worried about you."
"Dad, I'm so sorry I didn't tell..."
"Don't be sorry about anything, you have nothing to be sorry about. I'm happy that you felt you could finally be honest with us. I have to say that I'm sorry if we did not clearly communicate to you that we love you no matter what. I want you to know that we just want you to live a fulfilling and meaningful life, and I've come to realize that living life as a gay man is a part of that for you. One day I hope you can find someone to share your life with just as mom and I found each other. I am not ashamed or disappointed in you, and I never will be. In fact I want to celebrate your coming out and the beginning of your life as an out and proud gay man. You free for dinner?"
"Ummm Yea, tonight?"
"Sure mom and I will be there. How does steak sound?"
"Great"
"Thank you so much for loving me"
"Don't thank me, I'm just doing what I should by rejoicing in the gift that you are to us"
"I love you dad"
"I love you too"

As I hung up I felt a rush of confidence and hope. Perhaps being gay was nothing to be ashamed of. Perhaps I could come out to my friends and not fear rejection. My parents love and support of me in my identity and in my life decisions would serve as a rock for me; if I loose my friends at least I can fall back on them.

Dinner that night was amazing. It's hard to beat good steak and better wine. It's hard to remember everything that we talked about, but what was said wasn't all that important. What was important is that my parents were accepting and encouraging of my sexuality. It was important that they took time to celebrate me. Their encouragement brought me out of the despair I was in and helped me begin life anew, without as much fear and with a little more confidence than I had before. I am forever grateful.

_______________________________________

So yea that wasn't the response I received, but perhaps one day I will have such an experience. Who knows with time perhaps my parents will become accepting of who I am... Which brings me to my next dream...

So I've decided that affirming parents of gay youth are the coolest people on the earth. Though my parents are trying and intend well, they aren't what I would call affirming (at least not yet). I wish I could have cool affirming and perhaps liberal parents.

I've also decided I want a good looking bf who's confident and fun.

I've also decided It would be fun to have money, like leisure money... ya know, for plenty of good food, fun vacations (skiing, beaches, other continents), plenty of clothes ect.

So... Perhaps I could have all three....

This is what I need to do:
Move to a better state, like California, and find a good looking boyfriend whose parents are (a) loaded and (b) affirming.

Move in with his rents for a while and just bum off of them

Stay in the same room w/bf, wake up in the morning to delicious cooked breakfast, workout and play sports in the day, cuddle at night...

Damn that would be the dream life.

haha I'm so shallow...and vain

But yea that's my dream world... What do you think? could I make it reality?



haha

Alright

thanks for all your support, I have recieved many e mails from you all and they have been very meaningful. Your words inspire me and remind me that there are people out there who are affirming and will see to it that I do what's best for me.

Much love to you all, cuz you rock

Jordo

Bad News

Had a phone convo with my pa for the first time since he found out...

It was rough. He said some things which where extremely hurtful. I know he didn't know how much he was hurting me, but it doesn't change the fact that he hurt me a lot.

Tonight I cried harder than I ever have in my life.

My dad says he'll love me no matter what... but after that conversation I sure didn't feel loved.

I came out to the rents for emotional and social support, not for moral counseling. It seems my pa is interested only in the latter.

He holds onto his universals so firmly that he can't take the time to see the particular.

Morality takes priority over suffering, law over experience

I'm expected to abstain and conform to a prescribe mode of being

The truth of it tho is that even in my abstinence i have chosen against the way of abstinence
Because of my beliefs, because of my feelings, because of my needs, because of experience, and ultimately out of grace.

I have to live my life, my father does not.

It is mine to loose or to gain.
And i cannot go on suffering like this, or i will end up dead
So i must strive to live out my choice

If my fathers beliefs are forced upon me they will loose me, and I could loose myself.

So i must be my own master, i must take the reins.

I must move to higher grounds where people will celebrate my sexuality and encourage me to live a full, happy, and fulfilling life.

Jordan


ps sorry for how abstract and disorganized this post is. I'm incredibly exhausted from this stresss and it's the best i could do at this moment. I'll post something more satisfactory latter.... just yea i'm really struggling right now

letter from mom

After I told my mom I felt really sick: my knees were weak, I felt dizzy, had a huge headache, and wanted to vomit.

I think it was simply from the adrenaline rush telling her gave me.
It was also because my coming out to her tonight was as big as a surprise to her as it was to me. That's right, when I woke up this morning I had no intention of coming out to anyone... and tonight my parents know.

I know she reacted well but still... huge shock even to me.



I was really shaken up earlier tonight so I called my old roomie Jeff and told him what happened and that I needed to hang out. So we went to a late night dinner and talked. It was good.

Among other things we talked about me coming out to Aaron, he said that he thinks Aaron wouldn't care at all and that he would still be my friend. I also told him about my crush on Aaron and he was pretty cool about it. He suggested that I just don't tell Aaron that right away. So yeah, Aaron's next on my coming out hit list.... it's like I'm building momentum

oh and as a side note i came out to one of the people that works in student life today as well.....

I don't know what got into me, but this long feeling like shit, eventually I had to just be like "fuck it all I gotta be honest"

so yea that's where I'm at

still gotta talk to pa, little nervous, but not as bad as I was before....

oh and here's the letter my mom wrote me after she told my dad

_________________________________________________


Dear Jordan, I told dad....and we both want you to know that we love you and always will. Eventually, when you're ready, dad would like to speak with you in person. At this point, we are not planning personally on telling anyone, even ______ [aunt] and ______ [uncle]. It will happen with time, but it's not really up to us to decide when or how at this point. I'm glad that you told me, really, and I hope that you can start feeling some relief from the mental angst that this has obviously been causing you these last few year. I guess I don't really know what you might be thinking about right now, but please don't see your last four years as a mistake. You have learned, you have grown, through the hardship, and through the pain. I guess I don't know what else to say.....except that I love you. You are still, and always will be, my precious son.

MOM

_______________________________


gotta love moms,

Much love

Jordo