I've had a sense of loneliness come over me this last week or so, but perhaps sense isn't the correct term. It is more of an attendance to the fact that I have been lonely all along; perhaps for a very long time, perhaps my entire life. I have had many friends and been many places. I have experienced many things and helped many people with my life. But in the end as I look back I'm not sure if there's any time that I've had a sense of being together with someone... a sense of home and a sense of belonging. My entire life I have felt an outsider and at times have successfully numbed that feeling, but it persists within me.
I suppose what I'm looking for in a significant other is precisely that which I have been missing my whole life--the sense of being at home. I'm not really looking for someone who has a nice car, or someone who's fun, or someone who's famous... I can have many of these things on my own... but what I cannot seem to develop without another is the sense of being at home, the sense of being welcomed and loved no matter what.
Yes I'm still gay, but at times my sex drive dries up because my heart begins to focus on the more crucial aspect of being gay, namely our ability to connect, love, and truly care for those of the same gender. It is this ability to find value in another--to see a home in them--that is truly the most important aspect of being gay (at least in the long run).
Don't get me wrong I want the sex, but the sex is only a part of what I'm looking for. I imagine that hookups can be just as alienating as any other experience, they can make one feel that they are even more at loss and without a home.
so yea I'm sick of doing this thing alone and I'm not sure if I can fully flourish without someone else in my life. I think that committed relationships are such a fundamental part of human existence, and I really need to experience that.
But first I have to wade through the shit... the shit of a gay community which is so infected with insecurity and pathological practices that often men can't form committed relationships. The shit of countless men trying to take advantage of me and dealing with those who are attractive and alluring but all together incapable of loving others as they should.
Hopefully one day I will find what I am looking for, and hopefully they will find me.
Jordan
ps this song strangely captures my mood
Core memory unlocked!
5 years ago
10 comments:
I feel you man. Its so weird how superficial the world can be sometimes but in that same token, I'm exactly the same way.
Both wanting to be a part and separate from it all. What a shitty feeling.
Jordan,
I have never heard anyone able to express it all quite the you have...home. That is the perfect way to put what you are looking for in life. In fact, I think that it is the perfect expression for what so many of us are longing for in life.
There is a balance to this life that we just have to find. I don't have the answer, but I know it is out there somewhere.
There is someone out there for each of us, but it seems to take time (and at times a struggle) to find that someone. Don't give up hope, even when it seems that all hope is lost. I understand that feeling more than I can tell you, but we have to keep that hope alive so we can be alive in this life.
Take care!
poet
wise poet
Don't settle for less than you need.
Don't get so impatient or desperate that you let people use you for their loveless pleasure, or that you use others that way.
There was a popular song when I was in college titled "You Can't Hurry Love." If you're lucky, you'll find someone soon. But if you're not that lucky, accept no substitutes for the love that will make a home.
In other words, you need intimacy. I think it may be possible to have the intimacy you need without the sex. but at least you know enough to realize that sex without intimacy is degrading. Congratulations on your wisdom.
Gay or straight, there are a ton of humans who are not into having a relationship. The best place to find someone? Try asking your trusted friends if they know of someone.... If you really like your friend, the chances of them hanging with someone that is shallow, is kinda slim.. Check out volunteer groups. If they are volunteering they should be real, and the thinking of others kind of people. Church services for gays, might be a good place.
He is out there! Don't stop looking just quite yet. Everyone goes thru this when they are dating. It is hard and heavy work, to winnow out the chaff, and look for the heart of gold.
hugs!
hey jordan, don't give up!
J - your Lover/Life Partner (whatever you want to call him) is probs very like you.
Most people pair up with people who are pretty similar to themselves.
On the other hand the only boy I ever met who I liked and was similar to me, I found was too boring!
The other guys, and especially Pete my eventual choice (he he!), are all opposite to me in most ways.
Pete's an engineer and he's very practical about the place as a result. He works in aeronautics safety.
I'm arts educated, read, write and plan things. I've worked in conference organisation, in broadcasting and for the Railway as a supervisor and manager - helping organise it!
We couldn't be more different and neither of us would ever have described the other on any wish-list of qualifications for a lover and partner!
The field truly is huge and although if we're looking we do all need to actually put ourselves about and LOOK - I'm certain that the right person for you will probs come right out of the blue!
One thing's for certain - you must keep putting yourself about or he'll never find you.
Hey man! Great post, I definitely feel ya!
I really hope one day you'll find a great man to fulfill those needs, but remember a man is not the answer to the loneliness!
Think positive about your situation, I'll be thinking positive for you. I want you to get what you want in the end, so start believing you'll get it because you will get it, just be patient!
You know, a sense of belonging is important, and I think that's a big part of being "home."
jordan just found your blog and looks like you have loads on your mind and heart. i normally wouldnt do this but i think you should check out my brothers blog he is openly gay and has went through what your going through right now. i think reading his blog might help you. you can find a link to his on mine. take care and ill be checking back on your blog.
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