Things That Piss me OFF

1. Most Christians

by most Christians I really mean most Christians that I'm around. They are hypocritical, unthoughtful, unreflective, and self-righteous sons and daughters of bitches. The offspring of Babylon if you will (pardon the biblical reference).

Ok maybe I'm being a little reactionary, but have patience with me... I'm in a figurative shit hole.

A lot of people at this school have been raised in Christendom--that beast which has created a set of orthodoxical dogmas and orthopraxical expectations, which serve more to justify a white, heterosexual, American, and middle class lifestyle rather than actually do justice to the message of the bible.

NO one dare question any position or lifestyle, not because it's wrong to do so, but because it's so against the norm that Christendom has come to accept as objectively and universally true.

And homosexuality.... that's right out of the fucking question. If i stood up in an assembly said 'i'm gay' people could handle that, because they would dismiss me as a sinner and refer me to counseling. However, if i stood up and said 'I'm gay and there's nothing wrong with it' people would be so awestruck and dumbfounded they wouldn't even be able to speak. I would not be referred to counseling, instead everyone would just go on talking as if I said nothing. I'd be ignored because they'd consider me insane. I might as well say, 'i believe in purple unicorns'...Both statements have similar truth value for many Christians here.

2. Christians censoring shit

My school blocks some websites: File sharing sites, porno sites, and, most recently, gay networking sites.

I joined a decent networking site and was just looking to meet some people. I'm not looking to hookup with anyone, just meet people... who knows, maybe fall in love... jk

but yea so now that site is blocked by my school
It wasn't even a sketchy site. No nudes no nothing... just gay guys trying to befriend each other.

here's what gets me, i think they blocked it after it started getting hits from my computer. They probably saw this site was getting hits and then were like, 'shit can't let the faggots meet eachother!!!' ass holes

so i'm probably being monitored who knows... this site might be next

they won't stop me though... internet is everywhere.


3. the fact that if I did happen to meet a gay guy here nothing will come of it

So.... there's this super cute guy in one my classes. really sweet. I'll write more about him latter. But i have decent reason to assume he's gay or at least interested in me.

Here's the thing though: as long as i'm in this atmosphere nothings gonna come of it because it's not like I can just walk up and be like 'so... are you gay' and even if something did happen, it'd have to happen underground. What bullshit.
Apparently fantasy is far as one can get under this oppressive regime...




allright there are more things that frustrate me, but i've gotta go.


an underground and frustrated queer,

Jordo

If you look at porn don't leave it up on your computer

Given the title of this post you may be wondering if was outed do to the fact someone found porn on my computer. FYI I wasn't.... although that would sure make coming out an easier decision for me.

Last night Jeff and I (my roommate from last year whom I'm out to) we're driving in the car to go chill with Aaron. That's when Jeff was like, "I don't want to make this awkward so I'll just say it. I don't care if you look at porn on your computer, just don't leave it up there."

He was prompted to say this because he visits my place a lot and has a habit of using my computer pretty much every visit. Lately I've been leaving up my blogger windows on the computer... and well...i guess some porn... but anyways whenever he's about to use my computer I freak out and tell him that I have something I need to save on the computer and grab it before he can see all the shit I opened up. I do this because (a) I don't want him finding my blog (I don't know why, he wouldn't care, I suppose mainly cause he doesn't know about Aaron) and (b) I don't want him or my roommate (not out to him) seeing the porn that I look at.

So yeah. Apparently he used my computer while I was in the shower and found the porn I had up on it. That combined with the fact that I never let him look at my computer before closing some windows led him to think I was non-discretely looking at porn all the time. So he confronted me.

At first he thought that the only thing I had been doing on the computer has been looking up porn. So I hesitated for a little and then told him about this blog. I didn't give him the URL, and he even said he didn't want to read it and be intrusive. He told me he thinks it's a good idea and supports it wholeheartedly.

As an aside, I was kind of ashamed when he brought up the fact that I do look at porn. I'm not ashamed to look at porn on my own, but when the fact that I look at gay porn is externalized, I feel a little embarrassed. I suppose It's because of the social status of gay porn. In my environment straight porn is looked down upon, and gay porn, that's straight from hell. So talking about the fact that I look at gay porn made me feel nervous/ashamed/weird/uncomfortable, not because I think it's wrong, but because a lot of the people I know and have been raised upon (save Jeff and Chris and a couple others) would condemn me for it. That being said most people might feel a little awkward talking about porn with a friend, just because sexuality is something which is very personal.

As far as the porn goes though, perhaps it's not all that bad. I was raised by a culture which took porn to be the crowning glory of a depraved and morally degenerate society. Although there is truth in the fact that random sex isn't all that great, I have found that looking at porn has been a means of sexual discovery. I don't mean to glorify porn and say that it's the best thing since sliced bread, but after being raised in an overly prude enviroment porn has been a vesel of sexual liberation. I suppose you could even say that it has communicated grace to me; it has affirmed my feelings and hopes that our sexuality and physicality is not meant to be ignored, bottled up, and shut down but instead it should be celebrated and taken account of.

There is a tendency to over-sexualize everything or to not sexualize anything. Some people in our culture are err to the former, many Christians in our society are err to the latter.

Being raised in an under-sexualized environment I think porn has had the effect of moving me away from that extreme.... As Aristotle argues, there is virtue in moderation....

That point aside.... I look at more pics of hot buff guys in their twenties than i look at porn. There is something about a good looking guy which just makes my day a little easier....
exhibit a:


You think He's gay???
Does this mean I have to put an adult content advisory on my blog now? I hope not


oh... and some of you sent me e-mails... I greatly appreciate them, and I'm happy to communicate with you... I'm just kind of behind in responding them, so yeah, there'll be somewhat of a delay in my responses, but I'll get back to you, eventually.
Feel free to add me on msn chat tho, my screen name is my email. If you add me and i don't know who you are, it'd be nice if you sent me an email first so i have some kind of reference (If I don't know who you are I may not add you)

g2g,
Much love

Jordo