Sleepless Nights

My sleep schedule is F***ed up beyond repair.
It's 4 in the morning and I can't sleep... I'm too anxious, and I've got way too much going on in my head right now... I don't want to talk about it all right now, but I feel like writing something to help my mind calm down.
I figured I'd writes some shit about myself... perhaps let you know me a little better. so here is a list--of no particular number or order--which lets you know a little about me.

1. I am the oldest of three
2. Only one person has ever asked me directly and seriously if I am gay, and I didn't lie to them.
3. 9 people in the world know I'm gay, but only one of those people I see on a regular basis
4. I wish I would have never have come to this university
5. I am quite proficient at playing the guitar.
6. I write my own music and lyrics and can sit down and freestyle for hours
7. Freshman year of college I became really introverted and played guitar in my room by myself for at least 2 hours a day (hence me becoming good at guitar).
8. growing up i wasn't that athletic, so i still conceive of myself as unathletic.
9. In eighth grade i weighed 160 pounds, by the end of ninth grade I weighed 105 pounds. I lost all that weight due to the fact that i started playing sports seriously (I lost all fat weight)
10. By the end of my senior year in HS i weighed 185 pounds
11. Now i weigh 205 pounds
12. once during HS i was told by the doctor i had an unhealthily low amount of body fat. In fact my parents thought i was anorexic. I wasn't, I was just working out a lot due to sports.
13. I was a really late bloomer... I don't think I had my biggest growth spurt until the summer before senior year, and even then i wasn't done growing.
14. Despite being relatively tall, I don't think of myself that way because I grew up shorter than every one else.
15. Once during HS I was wearing this nice new shirt which was stylish and perhaps even flamboyant. I liked the shirt a lot. In fact i had been wearing several new shirts to school around that time. One of my good HS friends was talking to me and made the following comment regarding my shirts, "man either jordo's got all kinds of new shirts coming out of his closet or he's coming out himself" After that somewhat lame joke i thought to myself... 'oh shit, I'm gay'
16. despite wearing nice shirts most straight people would not stereotype me as gay... in fact many times i appear more masculine than my straight friends.
17. i'm really gay... Like really really. evidence: when i see a good looking guy walking towards and i'm talking with someone i freeze up and forget whatever I had to say... I'm caught speechless... I don't know how more of my friends haven't figured me out (or called me out)
18. I've never been kissed, but I really really want to be kissed, and more.
19. I'm a romantic at heart but often come off as reserved or unemotional
20. I've been in love twice... both times have been really rough (with guys who consider themselves straight).
21. I have no idea what i want to do with my life.
22. I'm really bitter at Christianity (the social institution) for the harm it's done to my life and countless of other gay persons.
23. I think that if society didn't care if people were gay or not there'd be a lot more gay people out there... and i'd be getting way more action.
24. I think that if i didn't have to deal with the stresses of being in the closet/coming out/being in an oppressive environment I'd be far more motivated and successful in school (i do pretty well already tho...), I'd be far less depressed, i'd be able to sleep at night, and I'd be more functional
25. the thing which i want most in life at this moment is some form of intimacy, preferably romantic. I want to really care for someone and feel that love reciprocated.
26. I've been told I have good thighs, but i think the best part of my body is my torso
27. I find sexy legs really attractive... legs are so much more important for athletics than arms... that's why I like them so much
28. I am really tired and this post is getting to long
29. I am glad I started this blog cuz i've met some awesome people
30. Someday I hope to put all of my baggage behind me and live a peaceful and fruitful life... with a bf, a family, and friends that i love.


Jordo

When I realized...

I was gonna post this last night, but had some editing to do.

I intended it to be about how I came to realize i was gay, but it ended up being more like a chronology of the development of my sexuality. Be warned, it's long.
without further ado, here it is
____________________________________________________________

The thought that I may be gay dawned on me somewhere between my freshman and sophomore year at university. I didn’t fully realize that I was gay until the end of my sophomore year. I know that’s late compared to a lot of guys, but up until that point nothing had forced me to recognize my homosexuality. I guess in some ways I am lucky because, realizing it at such an old age, I didn’t have to go through a lot of the harassment which younger teens go through. I still have had to face the feelings of depression and isolation which are resultant from being in the closet, just at a much latter age.
Before I talk about coming to the realization that I was in fact gay I am going to give a little run down of my sexual development.

As I have said before I never liked girls. Back in grade school when all the boys started having crushes on girls I was really confused. I was like, “WTF guys, what’s the big deal, let’s go play kick ball or legos or play in the mud, let’s not waste our time on these losers.” I couldn’t grasp why girls were such a big deal, mainly because I wasn’t at all attracted. It was the cool thing to have a crush and everyone was doing it, so eventually, after much prodding from my peers, I divulged the name of my ‘crush’. Of course I made up the fact that I had a crush on her just to appease my friends.

I can’t say that I remember having any crushes on guys in elementary school, or even in middle school. However, I can say that from a young age I have always wanted male companionship. I always longed for a best friend and cohort to live life, explore, and play with. I even would pray to God asking Him to give me a best friend (obviously a male one). I remember reading the story of the Two Witnesses in the book of Revelations and fantasizing about how awesome it would be to be one of the two witnesses; I could prophesy and have a companion at the very same time! (For those of you who don’t know the story, supposedly at the end of the world God will call two prophets/witnesses to preach against the anti-Christ) These longings were not necessarily sexual in nature, but upon reflection I see that they were romantic and as such were the pre-pubescent stirrings of my homosexuality. I wanted something more than just a neighborhood buddy, or the companionship of a sports team; I wanted something more intimate.

It wasn’t until high school that my sexual interest in guys really started to develop. I remember I would check out guys a lot. I had several crushes, but of course didn’t realize that’s what they were until much latter. All I was aware of was a collection of feelings: I knew that (1) they were really attractive (2) every time I got around them I would get really nervous (3) I wanted to get to know them better (4) I couldn’t stop looking at them. I never consciously grouped these feelings together and properly labeled them as symptoms of a ‘crush’, but that is what they were.

Although I started having crushes on guys in high school nothing ever materialized into anything more substantial than me ogling some good-looker down the hall. I never had sex, kissed anyone, or dated anyone (guy or girl for that matter). To others I appeared to have absolutely no sexual interest at all.

Once during senior year my friend joked about me being gay and part of me was like, “oh shit, I very well could be… that would explain why I don’t like girls and fantasize about guys.” But I kind of put that thought on the back burner for a while and focused on school, sports, college, and having a fun time. I do think that my high school friends suspect that I’m gay and have so for a long time.

Freshman year of college was rough for me (for unrelated reasons to me being gay). During the middle of that year I grew lonely and started to long for companionship. I had dreams about being with other guys and started looking for, though mostly subconsciously, another guy to be with. That’s when I fell for Luke. Luke lived on the floor below me and I met him through a friend. My first thoughts were, “this guy’s gorgeous.” He had dark hair, green eyes, a slim build, and broad shoulders. Not only was he gorgeous but he was intelligent and listened to what I said. At first we seemed to hit it off really well. So I pursued him, and fell for him harder than I have for anyone. I don’t want to go over the messy details of that relationship, but it can be pretty much summed up by saying that I was gay and needy and wanted a romance and he was straight but appreciated my friendship. When I was angry at him for not loving me like I wanted him to he would console me because he didn’t want to loose me as a friend. When he consoled me I was only led on further to think that a romance was possible. It led to a cycle of me being in love and me being very hurt. That went on until spring of sophomore year, at which point I essentially terminated the friendship because it was too straining. And that’s when I started to realize that everything which just happened in the last year may have been because I was a gay guy who had fallen for a straight friend.

However, this realization was not solidified in me until I met another gay guy. I still remember very well the first time I spoke with Kyle. It was the spring of sophomore year and rugby practice had just started. The first practice it was warm enough to run outside, so we went running to condition ourselves. Kyle was there and I took mental note of him, thought he was kind of cute, but didn’t think too much of it. The day after that practice I was lifting weights and he was there too. I thought I noticed him checking me out, and so I started a conversation with him. He was even hotter than the day before. He was wearing a tank top and had hot arms, good pecs and his six pack was showing through his shirt. From the first couple words I just knew that he was gay. I didn’t know because of anything he said or what he looked like. I knew because it felt like we were flirting, and it felt amazing. It was one of my first times flirting with a guy. We didn’t talk about anything important, but after the conversation my face was beaming with excitement. It wasn’t until a week or two later after more observation, hearing some rumors, and... well... facebook stalking him that I figured out he was gay.

One incident which confirmed my hopes that he was gay was on a Saturday morning before a rugby game. He and I were talking and he said he was hungry because he hadn’t eaten anything all morning. We were sitting next to another one of his friends (big prop, funny guy). I said to Kyle, “well I’ve got a banana if you want it.” I had brought some bananas for after the game. Then big prop turns to Kyle and suggests, “Yeah he’s gotta banana for you, and it aint yellow! Hahahaha.” Big prop was obviously making a lame joke about Kyle being gay. Kyle started blushing. All the while I was thinking to myself, “Yes, yes I do,” and, “damn, I should really ask him out.”

That’s when I started to loose sleep thinking about kyle and about the fact that what I really wanted, and what I had strived to have with Luke, was a boyfriend. I would lay in bed writhing around entertaining the thought that I could ask Kyle out or that he would make a move on me. Unfortunately nothing ever happened. I still regret not coming out at that point in time, cause who knows what could have gone down. I think eventually he assumed I was straight or deeply in the closet and then disengaged me. However, the incident left me changed for the better. Kyle helped me realize that I was gay and that what I wanted was another guy. Kyle transferred out that semester, probably because of harassment. I’ll never forget him.

So that’s when I knew for sure. That was about two years ago. Some things have changed between then and now, so I’ll fill you in on that in a later post.

Till then

Jordo

My life

I feel that given the abstract nature of my last two posts I should fill in some of the specifics about my life.

As you already know I'm gay. However, I'm not your ‘typical gay guy’: I don't dress, look, act, or sound gay. I don’t have any of the 'signs' of being gay besides the fact that I've never been into girls, and I check out guys.

Unfortunately, in our society when people try to figure out if someone is gay they usually draw conclusions based upon his appearance and mannerisms and not from his actual sexual interests. This is why most people assume I’m straight and are genuinely surprised to hear I don’t have, and never have had, a girlfriend. They figure a decent looking athletic guy who likes sports and hangs out with a bunch of straight people couldn't possibly be gay. They quickly dismiss my apparent lack of interest in girls as just a sign that I'm really picky, or they invent some other bullshit reason to justify their belief that I’m straight.

It really frustrates me how stupid and clueless people are about homosexuality; they think there is some inherent contradiction in a gay jock, or an effeminate straight person. I feel like if I did come out to everyone they’d probably expect me to start dressing drag…

Needless to say I don't have to try that hard with most people to hide that I'm gay (although there have been some close calls—more on that latter).

As I said earlier I'm pretty athletic...well at least I try to be. I play for my university’s rugby team as a full back (btw rugby is the greatest sport ever invented), and played hockey and soccer in high school. I've been involved in sports for a long time, and loved every minute of it. I think I actually have an addiction to working out and playing sports. If I don't get physical activity in every day I'll get kind of down. Sports are my coping mechanism. Not sure if that's a good or a bad thing, but that’s okay because it's really the best addiction you could have.

I'm a senior in university and gonna graduate in two months…that's way too fucking soon!! I will be graduating with a major in philosophy and literature and have specializations in all other sorts of shit. I am on the track to go to grad school and study philosophy, theology, or any other of the humanities, but I don’t know if that’s what I want. I’d rather be a professional athlete, or a musician, or a model, or a ski bum, or something else. But I don’t know if any of those are plausible... I guess that I’m pretty good at academics, and could be successful in it, but I just don’t know if I have the heart to do it.

And oh yeah… kind of ashamed to admit this one….

I go to a Christian university. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good school academically speaking, and I’ve learned just as much, if not more, here as I would at most public institutions. However, the atmosphere here is hostile to gay people (among other groups of people). Don’t worry I don’t go to Bob Jones or some other crazy ass fundamentalist university (I hate fundamentalism). The school I go to is more moderate and doesn’t take sides in political issues (yes, there is a college democrats club on campus). But when it comes to the issue of homosexuality it really drops the ball. Most students are embarrassingly ignorant about homosexuality and think it’s a sin or gross, or both. I kind of wish I would have never come here in the first place cause then I wouldn’t have to put up with all this Christian bullshit.

On top of that there are only a few out gay guys at my school, and none of them are my type. I don’t even know where or how I’d begin looking for someone to date. There are some guys I think are in the closet, but you can’t really tell until you ask. So yeah my romantic life is pretty shitty right now.

I don’t think coming out would be so hard for me if I wasn’t submersed in a Christian atmosphere. My parents and friends are all Christians and have been raised to think that homosexuality is a sin. I honestly don’t even know what would happen if I came out, but I feel most people would reject me or try to ‘fix’ me.

My cousin came out a several years ago, when I was in my early teens, and my dad, along with the rest of my family, was getting all concerned with the eternal fate of his soul and kept on denouncing his ‘lifestyle’. All I wanted to say to them was, “who gives a shit! You really think God’s gonna keep someone out of heaven cause they’re gay?”
Since that whole incident (which was before I really figured out I was gay) I have felt that homosexuality isn’t wrong, and that gay people are the one’s whom should be the least judged and condemned out of everyone because we are already the victims of so much hate and discrimination—if anyone deserves grace it is gay people, not Christians.

Anyways, all that goes to say that the environment of my life is not conducive to help me grow as a gay man. Sometimes I want to ditch my whole life here and move somewhere far away where I’ll be accepted, but at the same time I still care for my friends and family here, and this is where my roots are. I just wish that they could accept me for who I am.


Well this concludes a rambling post with random info about my life—hope it helps you understand where I’m coming from.

If you’re gay and find yourself in a Christian atmosphere you should check out the link I posted on the side of this page called ‘a biblical affirmation of homosexuality’. You should also check out the book “Stranger at the Gates” by Mel White. It’s the story of Mel’s life as a closeted gay man in popular Christian culture. He used to be a ghost writer for Billy graham and Jerry Fallwell and all those chumps…that is until he came out.

I’ll post again soon.
I’ll probably post about the second straight guy I fell for…

Until then,
Peace

Jordo

In the Closet

So… If you couldn’t figure it out in the first post… I’m gay. Some gays feel guilty about their orientation and struggle with it for years. That’s not me. I’m fine being gay; in fact I don’t think I’d have it any other way. From the time I began to realize I was gay I haven’t tried to fight it at all. I realized that my homosexuality constitutes a large part of who I am—to deny homosexuality would be to deny the truth about myself. I couldn’t do that to myself because I realized that those who deny themselves are confined to live lives of illusion and self-hatred. So I couldn’t lie to myself, I couldn’t choose to feel guilty about it; I couldn’t betray my true self. Thankfully I had the courage to internally own up to who I am, otherwise I could have been pretty messed.

Unfortunately, internally owning up to my gayness is only half the picture. See, I like being gay, I like gay people, I wanna live gay and have a cute boyfriend whose caring and smart and makes me breakfast and cuddles and shit. The problem is that no one (well not no one….but probs 95% of the people I know) have a huge ass problem with me being gay—or at least I assume they would if they found out…..

So yeah I’m stuck in the closet, and it fucking sucks.

I guess I’ve come out to 5 peeps, and if it weren’t for these people I’d probably be in much worse shape than I am right now. I am soo grateful for the love and support they have offered to me.

Although it’s great being out to at least a few people it isn’t enough, especially considering that I spend minimal amounts of time with these people. The majority of my life is spent living with people who are still in the dark about my orientation—the majority of my life is spent living a lie.

The problem with living a lie is that after a while you realize that everything that your life has become was built of…well…a lie. You begin to see that the person your friends and family call to hang out with, show concern for when you’re down, or gossip about when you’re not there isn’t you. That person is an illusion, and for that reason any love that others might generate towards that illusion becomes empty. Their love isn’t real to me because it isn’t for me, it’s for some illusion I’ve created—it’s built on a false pretense: that I’m NOT GAY!

I’ve come to accept that if I were to come out at least %50 of my friends would ditch me and most others would loose a lot of respect for me. It is that knowledge that sticks like a thorn in my mind, constantly reminding me not to trust the love and warmth I feel from my friends and family. How can I trust their love if I know it would be shattered so easily? I can’t. Which is why I’ve come to feel that hanging out with my friends, chilling with the fam, and trying to develop relationships while still ‘in the closet’ is inherently meaningless.

So I’ve come to realize that ‘coming out’ is the only way I can bring meaning back to my life.

But here’s the catch; I really respect and cherish my family and friends, and I’d rather have the illusion that they love and respect me than to have no love and respect at all. I feel alienated and alone because of my gayness, but I am dependent upon my image of straightness to secure my social status as cherished and loved. So I’m hiding in this closet cause I’m immobilized by the fear of loosing what I have. But being stuck in the closet isn’t how anyone should live—it’s a life of desperation forced on us by social pressures beyond our control.

I’m fucking sick of it and I want out—I suppose that’s why I’m writing this blog. I’ve gotta find a way to externalize my homosexuality, even if it’s in small steps. I’ve gotta have the balls to step out and be myself, otherwise I’ll slowly wither and die due to lack of love and lack of expression.
I’m not gonna lie, I want a boyfriend, I want to hit on cute guys and not have to hide it, I want my friends and family to know the REAL me and love that person, because only then will their love take on meaning—only then will their love be directed towards me and not some illusion.

So this blog is the story of my life while I’m in the process of coming out. It won’t happen in a day or even a week, it’s gonna take a while, cause I am not ready yet. But thankfully this blog is a part of my coming out, it’s a small step towards the right direction. It’s a step towards truly being myself.

I may not be living out loud and proud yet, but at least I’m thinking out loud.

peace

Thinking Out Loud: The Begining

Perhaps it has sometimes occurred to you, dear reader, to doubt the correctness of the familiar philosophical proposition that the outward is the inward, the inward the outward. You yourself have perhaps nursed a secret which, in its joy or pain, you felt was too precious for you to be able to initiate others into it. Your life has perhaps brought you into touch with people of whom you suspected something of the kind, yet without being able to wrest their secret from them by force or guile.

--Victor Eremita [A pseudonym of Soren Kierkegaard], from Either/Or

I am living a lie. The way I live my life, the things I say, and the people I surround myself with would lead someone to develop an idea of who I am that is inconsistent with the person I know myself to be.

Socrates’ admonishment ‘Know Thyself’ could not be anymore useless to me. My problem is not that I do not know myself, but that I fail to live out a life that is consisten with the person I know myself to be. Socrates would have better served me if he explained how to ‘be thyself’. Socrates’ fatal error was that he assumed once a person comes to know himself it automatically follows that he will be himself—he assumed that the inner will automatically become the outer. But nothing has been more contrary to my experience. The inner becomes the outer only through a bold act of courage wherein one chooses to be oneself. What I lack is not knowledge but courage.

So I have chosen to write this blog as an act of courage. Given it is a very small act of courage to write a blog which no one I know will read. Nevertheless it is a step in the right direction. It is a step towards disclosing the inner to the outer—a step towards becoming myself.

I hope that in disclosing myself here I will not only be emboldened to live out of my true self, but also that this will serve as a sort of therapy, both for me and for the reader. I do not write merely for myself, but also for others who are in my situation. I hope that they will relate to my thoughts, find that they are not alone, and perhaps even benefit from my reflections.

So here are my thoughts and my stories which otherwise would go unsaid. Here I am giving voice to the inner that it may become the outer.

This is me trying to become myself.

This is me thinking out loud.