letter from mom

After I told my mom I felt really sick: my knees were weak, I felt dizzy, had a huge headache, and wanted to vomit.

I think it was simply from the adrenaline rush telling her gave me.
It was also because my coming out to her tonight was as big as a surprise to her as it was to me. That's right, when I woke up this morning I had no intention of coming out to anyone... and tonight my parents know.

I know she reacted well but still... huge shock even to me.



I was really shaken up earlier tonight so I called my old roomie Jeff and told him what happened and that I needed to hang out. So we went to a late night dinner and talked. It was good.

Among other things we talked about me coming out to Aaron, he said that he thinks Aaron wouldn't care at all and that he would still be my friend. I also told him about my crush on Aaron and he was pretty cool about it. He suggested that I just don't tell Aaron that right away. So yeah, Aaron's next on my coming out hit list.... it's like I'm building momentum

oh and as a side note i came out to one of the people that works in student life today as well.....

I don't know what got into me, but this long feeling like shit, eventually I had to just be like "fuck it all I gotta be honest"

so yea that's where I'm at

still gotta talk to pa, little nervous, but not as bad as I was before....

oh and here's the letter my mom wrote me after she told my dad

_________________________________________________


Dear Jordan, I told dad....and we both want you to know that we love you and always will. Eventually, when you're ready, dad would like to speak with you in person. At this point, we are not planning personally on telling anyone, even ______ [aunt] and ______ [uncle]. It will happen with time, but it's not really up to us to decide when or how at this point. I'm glad that you told me, really, and I hope that you can start feeling some relief from the mental angst that this has obviously been causing you these last few year. I guess I don't really know what you might be thinking about right now, but please don't see your last four years as a mistake. You have learned, you have grown, through the hardship, and through the pain. I guess I don't know what else to say.....except that I love you. You are still, and always will be, my precious son.

MOM

_______________________________


gotta love moms,

Much love

Jordo

If you look at porn don't leave it up on your computer

Given the title of this post you may be wondering if was outed do to the fact someone found porn on my computer. FYI I wasn't.... although that would sure make coming out an easier decision for me.

Last night Jeff and I (my roommate from last year whom I'm out to) we're driving in the car to go chill with Aaron. That's when Jeff was like, "I don't want to make this awkward so I'll just say it. I don't care if you look at porn on your computer, just don't leave it up there."

He was prompted to say this because he visits my place a lot and has a habit of using my computer pretty much every visit. Lately I've been leaving up my blogger windows on the computer... and well...i guess some porn... but anyways whenever he's about to use my computer I freak out and tell him that I have something I need to save on the computer and grab it before he can see all the shit I opened up. I do this because (a) I don't want him finding my blog (I don't know why, he wouldn't care, I suppose mainly cause he doesn't know about Aaron) and (b) I don't want him or my roommate (not out to him) seeing the porn that I look at.

So yeah. Apparently he used my computer while I was in the shower and found the porn I had up on it. That combined with the fact that I never let him look at my computer before closing some windows led him to think I was non-discretely looking at porn all the time. So he confronted me.

At first he thought that the only thing I had been doing on the computer has been looking up porn. So I hesitated for a little and then told him about this blog. I didn't give him the URL, and he even said he didn't want to read it and be intrusive. He told me he thinks it's a good idea and supports it wholeheartedly.

As an aside, I was kind of ashamed when he brought up the fact that I do look at porn. I'm not ashamed to look at porn on my own, but when the fact that I look at gay porn is externalized, I feel a little embarrassed. I suppose It's because of the social status of gay porn. In my environment straight porn is looked down upon, and gay porn, that's straight from hell. So talking about the fact that I look at gay porn made me feel nervous/ashamed/weird/uncomfortable, not because I think it's wrong, but because a lot of the people I know and have been raised upon (save Jeff and Chris and a couple others) would condemn me for it. That being said most people might feel a little awkward talking about porn with a friend, just because sexuality is something which is very personal.

As far as the porn goes though, perhaps it's not all that bad. I was raised by a culture which took porn to be the crowning glory of a depraved and morally degenerate society. Although there is truth in the fact that random sex isn't all that great, I have found that looking at porn has been a means of sexual discovery. I don't mean to glorify porn and say that it's the best thing since sliced bread, but after being raised in an overly prude enviroment porn has been a vesel of sexual liberation. I suppose you could even say that it has communicated grace to me; it has affirmed my feelings and hopes that our sexuality and physicality is not meant to be ignored, bottled up, and shut down but instead it should be celebrated and taken account of.

There is a tendency to over-sexualize everything or to not sexualize anything. Some people in our culture are err to the former, many Christians in our society are err to the latter.

Being raised in an under-sexualized environment I think porn has had the effect of moving me away from that extreme.... As Aristotle argues, there is virtue in moderation....

That point aside.... I look at more pics of hot buff guys in their twenties than i look at porn. There is something about a good looking guy which just makes my day a little easier....
exhibit a:


You think He's gay???
Does this mean I have to put an adult content advisory on my blog now? I hope not


oh... and some of you sent me e-mails... I greatly appreciate them, and I'm happy to communicate with you... I'm just kind of behind in responding them, so yeah, there'll be somewhat of a delay in my responses, but I'll get back to you, eventually.
Feel free to add me on msn chat tho, my screen name is my email. If you add me and i don't know who you are, it'd be nice if you sent me an email first so i have some kind of reference (If I don't know who you are I may not add you)

g2g,
Much love

Jordo

Match Makers?

Hey all,

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, I've been busy with school and rugby and shit. I've also had a ridiculously difficult time focusing on anything for more than ten minutes for the past week or so, which has made sitting down and writing this blog difficult.

I think I have ADD. I once asked my mom if she thought I might have some attention disorder and she said that she thinks I've had ADD my whole life... so yeah, I should go get some drugs, they might help me w/ school.

Anyways... Thanks to all of you who posted on my last comment. I know it may have been a little abrasive, but hell, I'm abrasive at times, it's just being honest.

I'm gonna write an apology to my previous post some time. By apology I mean, as in the classical sense, an explanation and defense of my position. I'm not sure people really understood what I was saying, but whatevs.. that's for another day... time to blog about my personal life.


So, yeah... my life.
This weekend my body took a huge beating from rugby, but I played well. Scored a Try and made some sweet tackles.

I hung out with Aaron a fair deal this weekend. Friday night it was just me and him chilling. We had nothing to do so we ended up going for a drive around town. We went and got some food at a local diner and just talked. It was awesome. I don't know why but talking to him comes easy--it flows well. Talking to him one on one makes me happy.

The rest of the weekend most of the time I was around Aaron he was with his GF. As much as I wish I could forgo my feelings for Aaron in favor of our friendship I still feel quite jealous when I see them cuddling with each other. I wish it would be me instead of her by his side, I wish it was me he kissed, and I wish I could express my love for him.

Sometimes i get really frustrated with Aaron cause it feels like I'm getting used. He always asks me to hang out and I think enjoys having me around. I go along with him because I care for him. But often I end up not feeling fulfilled by whatever it is we're doing. I don't often get the love that I desire to receive. He gets to cuddle and be intimate with his GF and I get nothing except for a front row seat to the event. It feels like I'm being used for my friendship and compassion, but I'm not being appreciated and loved for the person I am.

At the same time I think Aaron really appreciates my friendship and he does express legitimate concern for me. I just think that a lot of times he just doesn't know how to be a good friend to me.

So yeah, enough about that...

I talked to my former roommate, well call him... Jeff. Jeff was the person I first came out to. He's an awesome guy. He's kind of a hippy--he's got unkempt facial hair, smokes weed, doesn't eat meat, protests war, ect. I came out to him over a year ago, and it was an easy decision because I knew that he would be supportive.

So we were talking and he told me that he thinks I need to get out and meet more gay guys. In fact him and my other friend who knows I'm gay, Chris, had a conversation about how they should 'help' me meet other gay people. Apparently Chris knows some gay people and told Jeff he has 'numbers' he can call for me. I don't know if that means he's gonna set me up on a blind date or that he'll just call people for me to hang out with... On top of that Jeff knows someone whom I suppose could be classified as a 'fag hag' and told her that he knew someone who was in the closet and is looking for gay places to go. She sent him a list of bookstores/coffee/shops/and perhaps even people to look into. There are supposedly 'hot spots' for gay people in the city that I live in and this girl knows them all. So yeah... apparently the few people I'm out to in the world want to hook me up with someone. They've noticed I've been feeling really lonely and think it might be good to get some relational experience. They also want me to stop 'hiding myself' and come out to more people. I think they're probably right and I should both meet more gay people and come out to more people so I don't feel so isolated.

I suppose I have a few reservations about this whole 'get Jordan hitched' scheme. First and foremost I don't fell like I'll fit into the gay culture. I'm definitely not your stereotypical gay person and I have no intention of changing the pitch of my voice, buying a new wardrobe, or altering my manerisms to fit in. But hell, I've never even been to these 'gay hotspots' so how would I know if conformity to a stereotype is the norm at these places? I wouldn't, so perhaps I should observe before I judge.

My second reservation is that I don't feel that great about 'blind dates'. Kind of sketchy if you ask me. I suppose it could be good tho, just to meet someone (not necessarily looking for a romance) and talk about being gay.

Lastly, I'm worried about this whole project because once I start into this 'gay lifestyle' there isn't much turning back. Right now I'm gay I know it. But all of my homosexual feelings and fantasies are in my head, I can control them, and most importantly it hasn't changed my outward life that much. If I start to go on blind dates and hang out at a gay places I'll be leaping into a gay world, outside of my fantasies, and outside of my mind. It's kind of scary.

putting aside my match making dilemma for the moment... I'm still kind of infatuated with Aaron. I really like him and his friendship means a lot to me. Half the time I don't even know why he means so much to me, but he does. I'd far prefer to have a romance with him than have to go on a man hunt to find someone I'm compatible with. I'd rather have a romance develop naturally than have to go out of my way to find love.

I talked to Jeff about Aaron... well I didn't tell him that I like Aaron, I only asked how he thinks Aaron would react if I came out to him. Jeff told me he thinks I should come out to Aaron, and that Aaron would be cool with it because Aaron values me as a friend so much. Jeff realizes that Aaron and I are close and thinks that I almost have a duty to come out to him. [I think I'll write a post sometime soon about the pros and cons for coming out to Aaron, but not now] I think I agree with him. For the first time in a while I feel at peace about coming out to Aaron. I feel I should because if I don't I'm not really letting him be the good friend to me that he could be. If I don't even give him the chance to accept me for who I am it's kind of an insult to him. So I figure before the end of the school year I'll come out to Aaron. Still kind of nervous. Hopefully it will be for the better.

I need to go eat food now,

much love

Jordo