Come Out Come out wherever you are????

I thought I would post a quick update to give folks something to read. However it's late and I'm kind of drunk, so I'll keep this short...

a couple of things that have happened over the last couple days have really got me thinking about what it would be like to come out... here they are:
______
Went out drinking with the HS buddies tonight. It's been a while since I've seen them. It was good to go to the bar, chat, and drink with 'em. But the revelry we had for old times sake is not my concern. We we're talking about our circle of friends and how everyone was doing and a rumor was brought up that one of my HS buddies had sex with another guy the other week. Apparently he did it just to try it. After a couple of jokes at his expense most people said that they really didn't give a shit but were more surprised than anything. He's had sex with gals too, so then we debated about whether or not he was gay or bi, or whatevs...

All this got me thinking... why the fuck don't i come out of the closet? my HS friends won't give a shit... hell they probably excpet it. i was kind of jealous of my friend who had reckless sex with another guy for no other reason than that it was so easy for him to tell other people about it. sSo yea i thik im gonna come out to my Hs friends soon.
____

Yesterday heard word from my aunt that my cuz (the one who is gay and moved far away because of the way his family dealt with him) is coming back to town realatively soon. He's got a BF and they're visiting our fam and such.
I am not out to my cuz, but hearing that he had a bf and was coming back really made me want to reconnect with him. I've never actually gotten to talk with him about being gay, and never really clarified to him that i really accept him as a person and that i support his decision to have a bf. I think he always assumed that (a) i am straight and (b) i don't support homosexuality. Neither of these are true, and i wish i could let him know that.

I'm proud of him whether or not he knows it... coming back into town to be with his fam again and have his bf with him... that takes courage. In some ways i'm jealous, but more than anything i want to let him know that i'm happy for him and let him know i'm gay. maybe he could help me out????
____

last night Chris and i were supposed to hang out but things fell through. I was gonna go to his bud's place and chill with them, and then, apparantly, we were supposed to go to ______ (a gay bar near where i live). Chris and his GF apparantly like going to said bar and were just gonna go to chill. At first i was really excited (even tho a bar isn't the best place to meet a guy and i had no intention of hooking up). i really wanted to just know there were other gay guys out there. but then our plans fell through, so that sucked, but whatevs.

_____

It feels like in general that i cannot make it through a single day without the issue of homosexuality being brought up for some reason or another. either it's in the news, a debate amongst friends, friends talking about other friends, family members, ect. It's everywhere. Every time I hear it talked about it pushes me one step closer to the edge of coming out.... and right now i can see myself looking over the edge about ready to jump out of the f---ing closet....

right now i'm not that scared... even to tell aaron. i just have this feeling that there are a lot of people out there who will accept me, and that it will work out allright.
my biggest worry is about my rents, but i'll deal with that another time

sleep beckons

peace

Jordo

Match Makers?

Hey all,

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, I've been busy with school and rugby and shit. I've also had a ridiculously difficult time focusing on anything for more than ten minutes for the past week or so, which has made sitting down and writing this blog difficult.

I think I have ADD. I once asked my mom if she thought I might have some attention disorder and she said that she thinks I've had ADD my whole life... so yeah, I should go get some drugs, they might help me w/ school.

Anyways... Thanks to all of you who posted on my last comment. I know it may have been a little abrasive, but hell, I'm abrasive at times, it's just being honest.

I'm gonna write an apology to my previous post some time. By apology I mean, as in the classical sense, an explanation and defense of my position. I'm not sure people really understood what I was saying, but whatevs.. that's for another day... time to blog about my personal life.


So, yeah... my life.
This weekend my body took a huge beating from rugby, but I played well. Scored a Try and made some sweet tackles.

I hung out with Aaron a fair deal this weekend. Friday night it was just me and him chilling. We had nothing to do so we ended up going for a drive around town. We went and got some food at a local diner and just talked. It was awesome. I don't know why but talking to him comes easy--it flows well. Talking to him one on one makes me happy.

The rest of the weekend most of the time I was around Aaron he was with his GF. As much as I wish I could forgo my feelings for Aaron in favor of our friendship I still feel quite jealous when I see them cuddling with each other. I wish it would be me instead of her by his side, I wish it was me he kissed, and I wish I could express my love for him.

Sometimes i get really frustrated with Aaron cause it feels like I'm getting used. He always asks me to hang out and I think enjoys having me around. I go along with him because I care for him. But often I end up not feeling fulfilled by whatever it is we're doing. I don't often get the love that I desire to receive. He gets to cuddle and be intimate with his GF and I get nothing except for a front row seat to the event. It feels like I'm being used for my friendship and compassion, but I'm not being appreciated and loved for the person I am.

At the same time I think Aaron really appreciates my friendship and he does express legitimate concern for me. I just think that a lot of times he just doesn't know how to be a good friend to me.

So yeah, enough about that...

I talked to my former roommate, well call him... Jeff. Jeff was the person I first came out to. He's an awesome guy. He's kind of a hippy--he's got unkempt facial hair, smokes weed, doesn't eat meat, protests war, ect. I came out to him over a year ago, and it was an easy decision because I knew that he would be supportive.

So we were talking and he told me that he thinks I need to get out and meet more gay guys. In fact him and my other friend who knows I'm gay, Chris, had a conversation about how they should 'help' me meet other gay people. Apparently Chris knows some gay people and told Jeff he has 'numbers' he can call for me. I don't know if that means he's gonna set me up on a blind date or that he'll just call people for me to hang out with... On top of that Jeff knows someone whom I suppose could be classified as a 'fag hag' and told her that he knew someone who was in the closet and is looking for gay places to go. She sent him a list of bookstores/coffee/shops/and perhaps even people to look into. There are supposedly 'hot spots' for gay people in the city that I live in and this girl knows them all. So yeah... apparently the few people I'm out to in the world want to hook me up with someone. They've noticed I've been feeling really lonely and think it might be good to get some relational experience. They also want me to stop 'hiding myself' and come out to more people. I think they're probably right and I should both meet more gay people and come out to more people so I don't feel so isolated.

I suppose I have a few reservations about this whole 'get Jordan hitched' scheme. First and foremost I don't fell like I'll fit into the gay culture. I'm definitely not your stereotypical gay person and I have no intention of changing the pitch of my voice, buying a new wardrobe, or altering my manerisms to fit in. But hell, I've never even been to these 'gay hotspots' so how would I know if conformity to a stereotype is the norm at these places? I wouldn't, so perhaps I should observe before I judge.

My second reservation is that I don't feel that great about 'blind dates'. Kind of sketchy if you ask me. I suppose it could be good tho, just to meet someone (not necessarily looking for a romance) and talk about being gay.

Lastly, I'm worried about this whole project because once I start into this 'gay lifestyle' there isn't much turning back. Right now I'm gay I know it. But all of my homosexual feelings and fantasies are in my head, I can control them, and most importantly it hasn't changed my outward life that much. If I start to go on blind dates and hang out at a gay places I'll be leaping into a gay world, outside of my fantasies, and outside of my mind. It's kind of scary.

putting aside my match making dilemma for the moment... I'm still kind of infatuated with Aaron. I really like him and his friendship means a lot to me. Half the time I don't even know why he means so much to me, but he does. I'd far prefer to have a romance with him than have to go on a man hunt to find someone I'm compatible with. I'd rather have a romance develop naturally than have to go out of my way to find love.

I talked to Jeff about Aaron... well I didn't tell him that I like Aaron, I only asked how he thinks Aaron would react if I came out to him. Jeff told me he thinks I should come out to Aaron, and that Aaron would be cool with it because Aaron values me as a friend so much. Jeff realizes that Aaron and I are close and thinks that I almost have a duty to come out to him. [I think I'll write a post sometime soon about the pros and cons for coming out to Aaron, but not now] I think I agree with him. For the first time in a while I feel at peace about coming out to Aaron. I feel I should because if I don't I'm not really letting him be the good friend to me that he could be. If I don't even give him the chance to accept me for who I am it's kind of an insult to him. So I figure before the end of the school year I'll come out to Aaron. Still kind of nervous. Hopefully it will be for the better.

I need to go eat food now,

much love

Jordo