If they only knew

I wrote this post this morning, but was unable to put it up cuz my internet was down. Sorry that its kinda a down post. Im doing a bit better, but i think the underlying problems i address here are still there
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So last night I felt pretty shitty. Dave and I were sposed to go 2 his bfs for a party thing, and I was out shopping nd told Dave I cud pick him up on the way to his bfs. I was shopping and using some gift cards so I had to stop at home first and I stopped by home and then had a huge ass ADD moment and got sidetracked by like everything in the world. I ended up being like 20 min late to Dave’s and felt pretty shitty about it cuz it was his first time seeing his bf in a bit… That and Dave works in the morning so we were already gonna be leaving early.
I felt like bad about being late the whole night… It’s kinda redic. I don’t even think he was that mad once he got there.

Its pretty ironic how I absolutely hate being late to things and letting people down by being slow nd stuff, but I do it a fair amount. Growing up my family always gave me shit (in a bad way) about not being timely and forgetting things. My sisters still yell at me cuz of my untimeliness.
So nowadays I’m still really insecure about my ADD issues…

I think one of the reasons I got down last night is because I’m beginning to feel that I’m becoming good friends with Dave and some other gay people and having people in my life that know the ‘whole’ me and like me for that person has made me a more happy and wholesome person. However, I’ve done my best to hide my ADD issues (bad organizational skills, horrible timeliness, lack of attention to detail, ect.)… I’ve also tried to hide my depression/anxiety issues too. My anxiety has greatly resolved as of late, but I’m still having some issues with depression (alho I’m much better on whole than after I came out to my rents).
Anyways, all this goes to say that I’m afraid that once people see the real me, they wont like me anymore.
I have this fear or linger suspicion deep down that if people really knew me for who I am, if all was laid out bare, they wouldn’t like what they see. Perhaps this suspicion was engendered in me from being in the closet, or perhaps because there are very few if any moments that I’ve felt at home in life. Either way the thought always lingers in my mind ‘if they only knew ____ they would ditch me’.
I’m afraid that if I open up to people I’ll only scare them away. That’s the prbly the sole reason why I don’t really let myself get too close with ne 1 and if I do I start to pull away, like how I’ve distanced myself from Aaron….

Authenticity; I think that’s what I really want in my life, but the problem is that I’m afraid if I’m authentically myself no one will like me.

I should say that ADD and depression really aren’t an integral part of me, they are more faults than anything… but I spose they are a part of me regardless… they are to my character like a blemish is to the skin.

Either way I’m afraid that people don’t need me and worse that they don’t want me, or if they do that their support of me could change if only they knew me.

To be honest I’m not really even sure why people like me, or if they do at all… I’m pretty insecure, but I do a great ass job of hiding it. I have yet in my life to have someone see me for all I am and be like, “amazing” or even, “great”. I mean my mom knows quite a bit about me and so does my dad, but I feel that they are really disappointed with me being gay and at best their rating of me and my life is like a B-….

At times like this I just feel like a bad person all around, and I don’t think I really have a good reason to either, I spose tho a lot of it is because I don’t really feel theirs anyone who sees good in me, who sees potential in my life or believes that I’m worth it. I don’t feel I have people who authentically care about my life and I think that any care people may show would be lost if only they knew the real me…

So yea sorry being all down sounding, but it’s just what was going through my mind last night, and actually even when I woke up this morning.

Peace
jordo

Looking

So yea, it's been a while since my last post. That's mostly cuz nothing eventful has happened. My life is pretty boring right now. Most days i just sit around the house surfing the net for jobs and unsuccessfully attempting to motivate myself to take the necessary steps towards me getting a job/more interesting life....

but yea i'm sitting in the house a lot and it's boring... i don't have much social interaction these days which sucks, cuz for the past 4 years i've been surrounded by people, and although at times i got very sick of these people for various reasons it was still good having people around. Now i'm more or less alone.

I need a bf or something.... anything... just a friend would suffice

Although i have to say this whole being a lone thing.... it has grown on me in a strange way... meaning i'm starting to forget what it was like living with other people. I'm forgetting what it's like to accommodate others into my schedule, and what it was like to give up my personal space for others, and how to listen to an upset roomie even when you wanna go to bed... so now when i have people visit or when i visit others i get annoyed quickly and find myself wanting more time to my lonesome.
i mean these may be annoyances... but learning to deal with these annoyances is actually how i've learned to be a better person... it's how i've learnt to relate to others and build meaningful relationships


but lately i've just straight up been tired... really tired. sleepy tired, but also just exhausted in a sort of deep sense...

to be honest i think it's a sort of depression which was caused by all the events of last year (and the previous 3 years)... i think depression can leave scars on out minds and oour physiology, and it has on mine. It's not that i'm conciously depressed about anything either... it's like my bodies depressed, or i'm subconsciously down. I just feel tired a lot and don't really enjoy things as much as i have in the past. Like i'm not working out as much as i have in the past, i don't enjoy eating, my sex drive has disappeared, and i don't really enjoy having friends around that much. I'm kinda sick of everything under the sun...
I think i really need to find something worth living for.... something to instill meaning into my life and into the world again for me. not sure what that is gonna be so i'm still looking....
looking for a job, a bf, and a little more meaning in life


and oh, btw i also started taking anti depressants... it's an ssri. i've had some panic attack issues too lately. I've realized that i'm at the point where these meds are needed in my case... my body needs whatever chemicals are there that help you sleep and help you eat and help you enjoy the things you used to enjoy.... so i hope they help that out.

I wouldn't say i'm dangerously depressed, or even close to it... i'm more just in a state of lethargy.... a state of disillusionment with life. but i need to find work to make money and i do want to find meaning in life again... i do want to feel value again... so i'm working on it and i'm making strides in the right direction.. that's what life is about right

and after all the shit i went through last year.... well i figure i should give myself some grace in terms of not having my shit together at the moment, but at least i'm working on it....

i'll post soon about my fam/friends and coming out sitch with them...

peace be with you

jordy




ps with regards to my last post... it wasn't really a serious post... in fact i think that gay relationship could be quite a beneficial thing to society so long as society learned to utilize these relationships.... i don't want to go into that now... suffice to say that i didn't mean to offend anyone and was mostly looking for all y'alls reasons as to why being gay is a positive thing for our society.

In pieces

As of late things have been hard on me. Even before coming out to my mother I was a wreck. Couldn't focus, having head aches a lot, feeling sick, random fits of anger...

I think I'm suffering from chronic depression and anxiety... and I have a really hard time saying that. I feel weak and stupid, like once people know i'm hurting they'll reject me cause i'm too much of a burden... I have a problem being vulnerable, here and in real life. I want to have everything together, be the perfect athlete, scholar, friend, ect.
But lately I feel as though everything has fallen apart. For four years I've carried in my heart the secret of my sexuality and harbored there all the feelings of rejection and isolation that a homophobic society wishes to instill in me.

Every morning i wake up anxious, sometimes i don't even know why. I can't focus and my brain feels like its turned to jelly.

I think it's all cause of the stresses associated with being closeted person. Being closeted is a chronic stress which, as any chronic stress does, slowly eats away at you from the inside. I feel my state is continually getting worse.

Most people can't tell that things are wrong with me, cuz i'm really good at hiding it. I don't show emotion all that easily, which sucks cause i feel it easier than anyone i know.


idk where i'm going with all of this... it's a very disorganized post so sorry for that... i barely make sense...


All I know is it feels like i'm grieving... grieving for the potential loss of friends, grieving for my mental state, grieving cuz i fell apart academically, grieving cuz i feel like a total failure, grieving for the life I could have had if things had played out different, grieving for Aaron.....



anyways, onto the specifics in my life...

I moved out of my campus housing yesterday and am now living at home. the moving process sucked, but it's done

I have had to take incompletes in two of my classes because i fell apart at the end of school. I have until next fall to finish a couple of papers... which won't be that bad. In addition to that i'm supposed to turn in a paper tomorrow, but i can't think right now. I've been trying to work on it and my mind will just wonder off, or i'll start getting anxious again. I feel pretty sick and i just can't focus....

we ate dinner as a family tongiht. I just sat there silent the whole time. i couldn't talk i've been too stressed. Thoughts kept circling in my head and the impending thought that this paper is due tomorrow was haunting me. On top of that I kept on thinking about my friends...
Anyways my mom talked to me afterwards. she wants me to go see a pyschiatrist to get some meds to help me out for the time being... she's right it'd prbly be better for me... she's a psych teacher. she's awesome tho and just hugged me and loved me. She doesn't understand everything i'm going through but she's here for me.

anyways... Last night aaron, i and some friends went to see star trek. It was dec. but afterwards I just felt like shit cuz I feel like Aaron's been treating me like shit lately. he's been snappy and doesn't really talk to me that much... and it hurts me. after the movie was over i really wanted to hug him goodbye cuz he is leaving for home for a couple days, but we didn't hug he just high fived me... what is that? fucking middle school?

In general I don't feel like any of my friends appreciate me that much. I'm the kind of person that needs a lot of encouragement in order to function. I need people telling me i'm worthwhile otherwise i feel like shit. even if i do well at school, or sports, or whatev i feel like shit about it until someone affirms me... and lately i've been deprived of much affirmation... People also pick on me sometimes... I'm kinda slow and disorganized .... actually quite so ... and sometimes people give me shit about it, most of the time it doesn't bother me, but lately it has been. Especially when aaron does it.

Also, yesterday after star trek one of my friends said i was like spock... i don't express emotion... ouch
I try to be emotional and have fun and stuff.... but it's been hard lately cuz i've been thinking about so much, and i can't talk to everybody about coming out to my parents and shit.... so i spose they're right... I do feel very bottled up, like i have a lot of things to say and no one is listening...

I don't know where this post was going... i forgot.

but yea I'm struggling right now and I don't know what to do.
I feel like I've watched everything fall to pieces. My life feels like it's crumbling, and i don't know what to do.
If life were a video game i'd hit the reset button and everything would be alright, but it isn't... it just keeps going.
I need a break, and i need a person or people to live life with me who will take care of me and help me take care of myself.

Alright this is an end to a long and disorganized post

Jordo

Not sure If I'm cut out for this gay thing

Hey folks,

I haven't posted in what has felt like ages, I am sorry.

Life has gotten quite difficult this last week and I'm not entirely sure why. My best guess is that all the shit I've been dealing with has, so to speak, accumulated like plaque upon the arteries of my heart (emotional heart here), and it is very hurt.

I suppose I haven't posted because I've lacked the energy to do so. My body and mind feel like they're shutting down.
So i just haven't had the resolve to post.
sorry

hmmm... so what can i update you on


Aaron:

Cute as always. This weekend I (a) held hands with Aaron and (b) saw his cock
But.... they were both jokes (or at least masqueraded as jokes)

But before you all get excited and think Aaron is gay, let me tell you he is not. Perhaps he is bi, i dunno. But either way he (a) loves his gf and (b) is not mature enough to acknowledge and accept his homosexual feelings.

I wish I didn't love him so much. I wish I could just forget him, but I can't. It hurts because I look at him and I just simply care for him, but can't show him that care, and more over don't want to be bound by that care, but I am.

alright next update

Cute Guy from Class:

I am pretty sure he is straight

Up till today i was like 100% sure he was gay.
All the signs were.... the gaydar was letting off an alarm.

But today after class I talked to him. He talked about a couple girls he thought were cute. Damn!

my luck. well at least i know. Too bad, because he's a nice dude and would have been a better bf

I can still be his friend i guess




So right now, I just feel like shit

And i don't really wanna be gay right now.
Not because I feel guilty, but just because it's such a fucking hassle

Hiding myself from others, having a hard time finding romantic partners, falling in love with friends who have a very ambiguous sexuality, crushing on straight boys, and in my case never being kissed, or touched or anything by another guy that loves me back

I don't feel guilty about being gay, but right now I just don't like the effects its had on my life. Maybe my problem isn't my sexuality, it's my overall lack of satisfaction with my life.... Yep that's def it.

Sorry to be such a downer

Much love

Jordo

Closets, Sin, Coming Out, and Grace

It's early in the morning now and I can't sleep.

I've been writhing around in bed thinking about the place I am in my life. I'm feeling pretty shitty right now about my current status. I've spent 4 years at this university and don't feel like I've done anything of meaning with my life. I suppose I have been educated, I have done well in academics, and I've done well in athletics but it all doesn't seem that meaningful, it just doesn't seem worth it.

The thought that I've spent my whole college carrier hiding my true self and never truly expressing my feelings makes my stomach turn. Like WTF have I been doing? Often I wish I had never come here in the first place. I wish I would have come out right at the beginning of college and left this institution. I suppose I learned a lot, but the price I've had to be for being in a Christian environment has been worth what I've gained.

I don't even feel it was worth meeting my supposed 'friends'. These people often cause me more torment than relief due to their ignorant and intolerant viewpoints. Every time one of them makes a gay joke and every time I hear some one bashing homosexuality a little part of me dies inside. It hurts me to see how little people actually care to stop offending homosexual people. Even the administration at my school doesn't do shit.

All in all I feel as if I've screwed up the last few years of my life. I've failed to do anything concrete and meaningful with my life and only managed to skim past this time by using hollow friendships and a hiding my true self.

I know this is depressing, but It's how I feel and I want to be truthful to that....


Sooo... the potentially uplifting side of my post...

I was reading through some files on my computer and came across this one it's called You Are Accepted. It's a sermon by Paul Tillich, who was heavily influenced by Kierkegaard and Heidegger.

Now before all you atheists dismiss this as religious babble, I think that Tillich's formulation of sin as 'separation from each other' and grace as an 'accepting of oneself' is valuable to both theists and atheists. I could be wrong so don't hold it against me, but I thought it was relevant given my state and more generally our lot as gay persons.

I think it is easy given our social status as gay persons to feel rejected, scorned, undervalued, isolated, and even begin to hate ourselves. This estrangement is an aspect of the notion of 'sin' which Tillich explicates--sin is a separation from others as well as from ourselves. However there is hope for 'where sin abounds grace does also'. When we are afflicted by the pains and injustices of sin there is also a positive force in our lives (whether that be God, the Ground of our Being, or something arising from our hearts) which can communicate to us pure and unadulterated grace. This grace tells us simply that we are accepted as we are; we are accepted as the gay mother fuckers we are and nothing can change that. Even though society rejects us, even though religion damns us, even though we at times despise ourselves we are nevertheless accepted. For all of you theists out there it can be expressed simply by saying "God loves you". There is no after thought and there is no condition upon which that love is received, it just is the case that you are fine as you are.

I like Tillich's message, though I am not sure I can apply it to my life successfully at all times. Often I do not feel accepted. However, sometimes the light breaks through the clouds and I can feel that acceptance. I can feel again that life as-it-is is a blessing. Even though I may have regrets and even though I despise what my life has become in these moments I can be lifted up and suspended by grace--revived by the notion that my life is fine as it is, that I am loved and valued, and that nothing can take that away from me.

I'm not sure if I'm having one of those moments, but I really need it... And I dunno, maybe all that acceptance talk is just fancy words to make you feel better with no grounding in reality. But part of me hopes there's something more to it. I just don't know how to feel that acceptance all the time, especially when my environmental factors communicate the opposite of acceptance to me.

Perhaps what I really need to come out is the knowledge and feeling that I am accepted regardless of if others accept me.

Let me know what you think.

Jordan

feeling a bit down

Sorry for not posting in a while, but I've been really busy lately. This weekend I had a rugby tourney so i wasn't able to blog.

For those of you who are interested I now have MSN. My username is jordan.outloud@gmail.com [same as my email]
Hit me up if you feel like it.


In some ways this weekend was fun: my team went 3-1, I scored two trys and several conversions, I got to hang out with friends, and got to party a little.

In other ways this weekend was really tough and has worsened my anxieties.

It made me realize/remember several things I'd prefer not to deal with.

1. I am not over Aaron

I hung out with Aaron a lot this weekend, and a lot of other teammates. We had a blast goofing off, talking, and chilling. We just did stupid shit like we always do.
The thing about Aaron, as I have said before, is that I think he is borderline gay (or at least that's how I interpret his actions). He gets really physical at times and cuddles/grabs/plays with me [we never kiss or make out or anything, a lot of it is more like wrestling]. I enjoy the physical affection, but it can be kind of confusing. It makes me feel really intimate with him (emotionally and physical) and often serves to lead me on and make me want something more with him. But I know that friendship is all that he wants with me. So all our play leaves me disappointed and wanting more affection.

Being with him for a good chunk of time reminded me of how much I actually like him. Not just physically but also emotionally. I really like talking to him, caring for him, and living life with him. I will probably always care for him and I don't know why. He will probably always be able to brighten my day with his smile. I don't know why but when he smiles I feel happy too; it's like my brain knows to release endorphins when he is happy.

But, I have already accepted that he is not gay. He has a gf and I wouldn't be surprised if they married. He gets really happy around her [much like I do around him] and they hang out a lot, even this weekend when she wasn't around they talked a lot on the phone. I'm glad that he can find happiness in her, but I am left wanting.

Even though Aaron isn't gay I still highly value his friendship, he means a lot to me. But I feel I can't fully be myself around him, mostly because I'm in the closet.

Which brings me to

2. I am scared of coming out

I really want to come out because I think if I do I'll be less depressed and I'll find more meaning in my friendships.

But being around my friends again reminded me how scared I am to loose them. Aaron said to me in a sort of joking way this weekend that I should be his best man if we're both still around and friends when if he gets married, I said I would. That got me thinking... Would he be my friend if I came out? Would he want me as a best man? What about my other friends? These questions burn in the back of my mind at all times around my friends.

The crappy part of it is that I cannot stay in the closet much longer. I need to get out or I will suffocate. So that means after college I'm gonna have to come out and start living as a gay man, which may mean me having a bf. Can I be friends with Aaron and all my other buds if I come out and have a bf? My relationships with my friends here could be severely temporarily limited. That sucks! I don't want to loose these friends, I love them.

on an unrelated note:

3. I have exceptionally low self-esteem

no matter how good I do at anything I will probably get down on myself. Some people say I am pretty good at certain things (athletics, school, music ect.), and I probably am good at these things, but I don't feel it a lot of the time. As tough and athletic as I may seem I am a sensitive and caring guy who needs a lot of encouragement. If the people around me whom I love don't affirm me I start to feel pretty down about myself, no matter how talented I may be. Like this weekend I played pretty good in our games, but I still felt shitty about my playing because I didn't get enough encouragement from certain people I respect. A normal person would have felt fine about their performance, but I felt pretty shitty. Even in my academics, I'll write pretty decent papers, but if a prof. has one or two things to say against my paper I'll get down (even if I get As).

Maybe I'm a perfectionist or maybe I'm not cut out for a tough, heartless, and 'manly' world which refuses to compliment others and show affection. Either way I feel pretty shitty about myself.

So yeah, all that added together makes for a frustrated and saddened Jordan.
I'm sure I'll get over this rut by tomorrow or the next day, but the underlying problems I won't escape unless I deal with them... And i don't want to deal with them, I just want them to solve themselves.
Deep down I'm hurting from feelings that I am unloved, not good enough, not socially acceptable, different ect. And in order to resolve these problems I feel that i have to take external steps which I do not have the strength to take right now.

maybe there's an easier way??? I dunno. Any advice on how to be a gay person/how to come out/how to love yourself would be appreciated.

Thanks for all of you who have commented on my posts, I am thankful for your advice and sharing.

Jordo

ps sorry for this horribly long and disorganized post

The Meltdown

In my post When I realized… I detailed the development of my sexuality up to the point I realized I was gay. That was two years ago. So I’d thought I’d write a post about where I am right now and how I’ve gotten here. I started writing this post, but then realized that it was going to be way too long and so I split it into two posts. The first one is All About Aaron talks about how I fell for another straight guy during my junior year… ugh! This one deals predominantly with some of the depression I’ve faced this year (my senior year) as a result of being in the closet. I suggest you read All About Aaron first if you want to fully understand this post, but if you value expediency over detail then this post will make sense on its own. This post may be another long one, but after it my posts should shorten up significantly… maybe…
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To kick things off… in a comment Kiwi asked how I coped with the realization that I was gay.

I should first note that although I have been raised in a homophobic environment and I go to a Christian University I haven’t ever really felt guilty about being gay. Once I realized it I just knew it wasn’t wrong. Why? Because I knew it was a big part of me—not a part of me that I chose, but a part of me which has always been there. I saw my homosexuality as an intrinsically good thing. I somehow understood that God had made me gay, perhaps even for a reason, and that he loved me as the gay person I am.

At first it was an exciting time in my life. Internally recognizing my homosexuality helped me understand myself a whole lot better: it explained my depression for the last year or so regarding Luke, it helped me understand the motivation behind a lot of my actions, and it helped me see what I wanted out of life. It was exciting because a realm of possibility opened up. I realized it was possible for me to live life as a gay guy: I could go for Kyle, I could find another guy, I could finally learn to live as myself.

Unfortunately it wasn’t long until the weight of reality crushed my newfound excitement. Once the euphoria of my epiphany wore off I woke up to the fact that I was stuck in a Christian society which would not be so enthusiastic about the contents of my self-discovery. No one knew I was gay, but if they found out who knows what hell would break loose! So I did what any respectable Christian would do, I went underground.

I thought that I could put aside my homosexuality until I got of university and then I’d magically start living the open gay life I dreamed about—I turned out to be very wrong.

A couple things happened. Firstly, I fell for another straight guy [Aaron], ugghh! Secondly, I became friends with a group of people and started to legitimately care for them. Problem is that both the straight guy I fell for, Aaron, and my friends are all very homophobic. Fuck! At first it wasn’t a big deal. I was kind of like, “whatevs, these friendships are just temporary.” But when I realized that these people actually mattered to me and that if I were to come out to them my life would be taken down the shitter, that’s when I started to meltdown.

I didn’t really meltdown until the beginning of my senior year. However, the feelings of isolation and meaninglessness which resulted in my meltdown started accumulating at the beginning of my junior year. I started asking questions like: ‘would my friends accept me if they figured out I’m gay’, ‘what would I say to Aaron’, ‘would I loose my family’s support’, ect. At first these questions were easily put aside—I could focus on my newer friendships, just relax and have fun. But my fears only intensified as I grew closer to those around me. The closer I grew to them the more I realized just how much I could loose. On top of that I felt that all my relationships were disingenuous because my friends didn’t know the real me [I’ve talked about that enough in previous posts]. The meaning, security, and depth of relationship I desired drifted further and further out of my reach

Near the middle of last semester my thoughts and fears reached a critical point and I melted down. I was like a pot of water which was simmering for a long time and had finally boiled over. For a week I was incapacitated by depression. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t do homework, couldn't hang out with friends, couldn’t eat, couldn’t workout (and I usually love that), couldn’t fall asleep, couldn’t get up... It was pretty bad. I'd lost all hope. I’ve been depressed before, but never that bad.

I almost exploded and came out to everyone; perhaps things would’ve been better if I had. Instead I called up two trusted friends, both older than me, and came out to them. They were both people I know who would be accepting and have good advice for me. They managed to calm me down sufficiently and give me some hope. After those conversations I decided not to come out. I was too mentally unstable and don’t know if I could have handled the potential rejection. I didn’t want to come out and just bleed all over everyone only to be rejected. It was good to have some older and wiser people talk me through my problems—I don’t talk to them much, but I am forever in grateful for their compassion.

So I didn’t come out and eventually my depression lessened in degree, but I don’t think I ever really recovered from that meltdown. For one I’m still tired all the time and have one hell of a hard time concentrating on everything, I still feel lonely and isolated, and I still can’t find enduring meaning in many of my relationships here [I am out to a couple more people, but I’ll talk about them latter]. If anything I’ve emotionally withdrawn from a lot of my friendships, which saddens me. Even with Aaron I’ve emotionally shut down a part of myself so I don’t feel as much around him—it’s like I’m anesthetizing my feelings so I don’t feel the impending pain of rejection. So I guess lately things have just felt dull and dreary. Nothing exciting, nothing that I care about too much… it’s a really sad spot to be in.

Right now I’m just working on getting through the school year.


More than anything I want acceptance. I wish I could wake up one day and everyone would have magically found out (or always knew) I was gay and that they we’re all cool with it. If I’d meet some boy I could talk to my friends about it and they’d encourage me on, when guys are checking out chicks I wouldn’t have to pretend to be interested, when I fall in love my friends and family would actually be happy for me, when I have fun with my friends or family or begin to care for them I wouldn’t have to worry about loosing them due to my secrets, ect. If I could stop hiding my life would feel full, meaningful and secure. All in all I would be loved for who I am and I would love people out of that self. I just wish the world could be more like that—it’s my dream... not just for me by the way, but for all of us gays. Hopefully one day we won’t have to hide anymore and we won’t have to be scared of being rejected or harmed. Hopefully one day the world will truly learn to love us for who we are.

Unfortunately we’re still a ways off. Maybe someday...

Your Friend,

Jordo