So yea, it's been a while since my last post. That's mostly cuz nothing eventful has happened. My life is pretty boring right now. Most days i just sit around the house surfing the net for jobs and unsuccessfully attempting to motivate myself to take the necessary steps towards me getting a job/more interesting life....
but yea i'm sitting in the house a lot and it's boring... i don't have much social interaction these days which sucks, cuz for the past 4 years i've been surrounded by people, and although at times i got very sick of these people for various reasons it was still good having people around. Now i'm more or less alone.
I need a bf or something.... anything... just a friend would suffice
Although i have to say this whole being a lone thing.... it has grown on me in a strange way... meaning i'm starting to forget what it was like living with other people. I'm forgetting what it's like to accommodate others into my schedule, and what it was like to give up my personal space for others, and how to listen to an upset roomie even when you wanna go to bed... so now when i have people visit or when i visit others i get annoyed quickly and find myself wanting more time to my lonesome.
i mean these may be annoyances... but learning to deal with these annoyances is actually how i've learned to be a better person... it's how i've learnt to relate to others and build meaningful relationships
but lately i've just straight up been tired... really tired. sleepy tired, but also just exhausted in a sort of deep sense...
to be honest i think it's a sort of depression which was caused by all the events of last year (and the previous 3 years)... i think depression can leave scars on out minds and oour physiology, and it has on mine. It's not that i'm conciously depressed about anything either... it's like my bodies depressed, or i'm subconsciously down. I just feel tired a lot and don't really enjoy things as much as i have in the past. Like i'm not working out as much as i have in the past, i don't enjoy eating, my sex drive has disappeared, and i don't really enjoy having friends around that much. I'm kinda sick of everything under the sun...
I think i really need to find something worth living for.... something to instill meaning into my life and into the world again for me. not sure what that is gonna be so i'm still looking....
looking for a job, a bf, and a little more meaning in life
and oh, btw i also started taking anti depressants... it's an ssri. i've had some panic attack issues too lately. I've realized that i'm at the point where these meds are needed in my case... my body needs whatever chemicals are there that help you sleep and help you eat and help you enjoy the things you used to enjoy.... so i hope they help that out.
I wouldn't say i'm dangerously depressed, or even close to it... i'm more just in a state of lethargy.... a state of disillusionment with life. but i need to find work to make money and i do want to find meaning in life again... i do want to feel value again... so i'm working on it and i'm making strides in the right direction.. that's what life is about right
and after all the shit i went through last year.... well i figure i should give myself some grace in terms of not having my shit together at the moment, but at least i'm working on it....
i'll post soon about my fam/friends and coming out sitch with them...
peace be with you
jordy
ps with regards to my last post... it wasn't really a serious post... in fact i think that gay relationship could be quite a beneficial thing to society so long as society learned to utilize these relationships.... i don't want to go into that now... suffice to say that i didn't mean to offend anyone and was mostly looking for all y'alls reasons as to why being gay is a positive thing for our society.
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6 comments:
Well, I'm no clinician, but from what I've heard that does sound like depression. As you say, it doesn't sound like a severe case, though.
Getting a job would probably help a lot — get you out of the house and interacting with other people. If you can come out to some people that might also help you feel better.
If pretty well any of us sit around and do little then we tend to get pissed off. If we can't do what we want to do (eg job we like / boyfriend / special friend) then we get all the more fed up and make ourselves less likely to achieve those goals anyway.
I watch my partner and I do it sometimes - then we go away for a few days, or even just take the dog out for a long walk somewhere and just talk and then go shopping other than the supermarket or visit some friends - any and all of these things in combination snaps us out of it again.
I've read so many similar downhill depressive sounding things from a number of bloggers who all think they're getting clinically depressed and need drugs. Drugs, drugs - to cheer us up, to make us slim to make us sleep! Oh and then, to make our dicks go hard.
Go on laugh!
But it is crass!
just a suggestion - but if you're having trouble finding work there are lots of places that could probably use your brain and brawn on a volunteer basis - even for a few hours a day - perhaps a soup kitchen, a local school, a boys & girls club, or even the local United Way - it would at least get you out of the house and interacting with people, maybe even help you make a connection for a job - just my 2 cents anyway
Eek having to take stuff like that isnt good at all :\
Happens to me the the odd time, dont have to go on meds or anything. Last time was a bad enough one, n I can remember myself feeling/thinking alot of the same stuff you wrote. Not enjoying things you once did, I mean I stopped playing the computer for almost 3 weeks which set alarm bells ringing in my head.
But it'll pass eventually your just gonna have to find a good foothold and hang on for dear life... hope you come out ok :]
Jordan,
I hear what you are saying and have gone through the same thing in many ways. Hang in there cuz you are my hero and I care about you more than I could ever say.
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