This is the story of how I fell for Aaron…
I met Aaron through rugby and at first kind of thought he was a tool: albeit a good looking blue-eyed blond-haired tool, but a tool nevertheless. I met him around the same time I met Kyle. We definitely didn’t hit it off right away. He seemed like a shallow arrogant sort of bastard to me, so I didn’t really engage him at all.
But during the next year (junior year), we started to become friends. We played rugby together (he was a center and I was a fullback), so we had that as our common ground. I started to realized that though Aaron may be a little shallow he also posses some other good (aka attractive) qualities. He is witty, cute, playful, and loyal, all these qualities I highly value.
Although I started to see him as a good friend and valuable person I still wasn’t into him in a romantic way. He had just gotten out of a relationship with a girl and I wanted to respect his straightness. In fact I wouldn’t have fallen for him if it wasn’t for…well… how fucking gay he acted.
After him and his gf broke ties he started hanging out with me a lot more. He’d call me up at weird times and just wanna go on a walk, play some stupid video game, or just hang. I know those are all things straight guys do, but usually straight guys don’t do that exclusively with one person. He would even ditch his friends to chill alone with me. I felt like he was coming on to me. Sometimes he wouldn’t call; he’d just show up at my room unexpectedly. Once I remember I was napping and he just showed up at my room, I woke up when he got there and he was just standing in the doorway. That’s when I think I knew that I had fallen for him.
He was a lot of things that I wanted in a bf: caring, honest, loyal, simple, fun, athletic, humorous, sexy ect. But I swore to myself I wouldn’t fall for him because I ‘knew’ that he was straight. I didn’t want to repeat the same bullshit that went down with Luke. But the way he acted made me reconsider his straightness. I started to fall for him. His persistence broke down the walls to my heart.
I still am convinced that he may be partly bisexual, but just not open about it. I swear I’ve seen him checking guys out. When I have my shirt off I’ll catch him starring at my abs. He’ll ask me if he looks ripped or if he’s got good abs too. He can be cuddly (although I think he tries to hide it). He gets close to me sometimes, or will even hold my hand as a ‘joke’. Is that what straight guys do? If so it’s fucking confusing. I just couldn’t handle that kind of ‘straight’ affection without falling for him.
I would have come out to him if it weren’t for his homophobic comments. I mean he’d use the word gay as insult much like everyone I know does, but he also said some direct things about homosexuality which made me think he thinks it’s unnatural or weird. I only wish he could see how gay he can act…maybe he’s repressing something? I don’t know.
By the time spring came around I was in love with him, but couldn’t tell him, cause I think he’d be creeped out by me (and possibly by himself too). Having to hide my love for him started to cause me pain. I longed to hold him at night, to kiss him, and to be his man, but I couldn’t. I wished more than ever that I could come out (and perhaps that he could too).
Despite my inner turmoil I thoroughly enjoyed being with Aaron. We had a lot of good times together, and did all kinds of stupid juvenile like shit together. The world was whole when I was around him and I didn’t want to loose him.
That’s when he started falling for a girl… just my luck. The more he fell for this girl the less he hung out with me. He’d call her instead of calling me, and would hang with her instead. I felt as though I’d been used as a sort of surrogate girlfriend until Aaron could find a real one…one that he’d feel comfortable kissing and making out with. But this new GF didn’t stop our friendship.
He still interacted with me (and still does), which was even harder for me. I hated watching him hold his gf—I was so jealous of her. But he’d still do the same old things to lead me on and even treat me like a sort of boyfriend at times. Once when I was a little down he said, ‘you’ll always be the boy for me,’—partly kidding, but partly serious. In some ways he had the best of both worlds: a gf to make out with and me to still be his man crush.
My love for him reached its height at the end of junior year. He was having some hard times at home and wanted to stay away from his fam. I think he also wanted to be nearer to his gf (who lives by me). He didn’t have any where to stay, so I offered my house to him… perhaps a bad idea for me.
He ended up staying there for two and a half weeks. I had a bunk bed in my room so we both slept there. It’s not like I planned for him to stay at my house or for him to be sleeping in my room, it just kind of happened that way.
We ended up working a temporary dry wall job together. We both had some experience, so we were hired by a contractor for a job. Needless to say we spent shitloads of time together: working, driving, eating, sleeping, ect. The only time we seemed to spend around other people was when we’d go over to his girlfriend’s, who lives on a lake, to do fun shit…you know like drink, boat, swim jet ski, sail (yeah she’s f***ing loaded).
All in all it was a really fun time. I kind of got comfortable around him and just let myself feel whatever I felt around him. Of course I didn’t come out to him, but I didn’t exactly stop myself from falling for him either (bad spot to be in). Our time together was good, and I still like to think that we make good companions: I’m a little wiser and he’s shallow, but I bring out surprising depth in him: he’s more playful and I can be too serious, so he helps me have a fun time… I could go on, but I won’t. Anyways I fell more and more for him everyday.
Eventually he had to go back home to deal with some shit, and he lives about 18 hrs away, so I wouldn’t see him the rest of the summer. I was sad he was leaving but knew he had to. The night before he left we were just sitting there talking. We talked about how much he was gonna miss his gf and all his friends here and then I said I’d miss him too.
After talking for a while out of nowhere he asks me, “So Jordo, can I come in bed with you?” I think I pissed myself right then. I was like, “I guess if you want to.” Then he said in a joking sort of way, “gross.” Not in a mean way, just like in the way straight guys joke about being gay. We laughed it off and then he eventually fell asleep.
But I couldn’t sleep for several hours that night. I went downstairs and played guitar for a while, sang some love songs and cried a bit (sappy, I know…). I was mourning the fact that he’d be out of my life for the summer, but even more so I was mourning my unexpressed love. I don’t think he will ever know how much he meant to me. I wish so much that he had come down to my bed so that I could have held him and given him the physical attention I longed to. I wished so much that he would be a little less homophobic, or a little more gay… but things just didn’t turn out my way. I had fallen in love only to loose the one I cared for.
The next morning he left for the summer. At first we talked a fair amount over the internet, but then things died down…long distance anything just sucks
When I saw him again it was at a party at the beginning of the school year. I got there late so he was wasted. He seemed pretty excited to see me… in fact he almost kissed me until his gf dissuaded him (damn gf!). I just think its cause he was drunk.
But things weren’t really the same again. He and his gf had gotten closer cause she visited him for a while. I was pushed further out of the center of his life. We’re still friends and still hang out a fair bit (so you’ll hear more about him in this blog), and I still have a small crush on him but it just isn’t the same. Now I know things could never happen with us. He’s straight, perhaps bi, but has chosen his gf. I’m happy that he knows what he wants now, I just wish that I’d fall in love with someone who could love me back…
So yeah that’s my latest romance. I still haven’t had my love returned and I still haven’t been kissed, super lame I know… Maybe someday.
Jordan
