Hey folks,
I haven't posted in what has felt like ages, I am sorry.
Life has gotten quite difficult this last week and I'm not entirely sure why. My best guess is that all the shit I've been dealing with has, so to speak, accumulated like plaque upon the arteries of my heart (emotional heart here), and it is very hurt.
I suppose I haven't posted because I've lacked the energy to do so. My body and mind feel like they're shutting down.
So i just haven't had the resolve to post.
sorry
hmmm... so what can i update you on
Aaron:
Cute as always. This weekend I (a) held hands with Aaron and (b) saw his cock
But.... they were both jokes (or at least masqueraded as jokes)
But before you all get excited and think Aaron is gay, let me tell you he is not. Perhaps he is bi, i dunno. But either way he (a) loves his gf and (b) is not mature enough to acknowledge and accept his homosexual feelings.
I wish I didn't love him so much. I wish I could just forget him, but I can't. It hurts because I look at him and I just simply care for him, but can't show him that care, and more over don't want to be bound by that care, but I am.
alright next update
Cute Guy from Class:
I am pretty sure he is straight
Up till today i was like 100% sure he was gay.
All the signs were.... the gaydar was letting off an alarm.
But today after class I talked to him. He talked about a couple girls he thought were cute. Damn!
my luck. well at least i know. Too bad, because he's a nice dude and would have been a better bf
I can still be his friend i guess
So right now, I just feel like shit
And i don't really wanna be gay right now.
Not because I feel guilty, but just because it's such a fucking hassle
Hiding myself from others, having a hard time finding romantic partners, falling in love with friends who have a very ambiguous sexuality, crushing on straight boys, and in my case never being kissed, or touched or anything by another guy that loves me back
I don't feel guilty about being gay, but right now I just don't like the effects its had on my life. Maybe my problem isn't my sexuality, it's my overall lack of satisfaction with my life.... Yep that's def it.
Sorry to be such a downer
Much love
Jordo
Core memory unlocked!
5 years ago
16 comments:
Aww I feel for you. It's hard. I've been in a weird mood today myself, where I just don't know where I belong. Crushing on straight guys, misreading other guys, it makes things hard. I always say I like a challenge but sometimes you can just get burned out.
Usually it just takes a few days to try and snap out of it. So here's to hoping it won't be too long!
Matt
Cute Guy from Gym Class: So he said he thought some girls were cute. Your point is? Remember, when we're in the closet, we often lie about things as a cover. We especially lie about boy/girl stuff.
Being straight can be a hassle, too. A lot of straights think we have it made 'cause they think we gay guys all wanna fuck each other, so it's not difficult finding guys. I've had straight friends who complain to me about their wives say we have it easy 'cause we're both guys. Uh, wrong. On the other hand, we love each other and don't fight or bitch about each other to friends.
So, hang in there!
hey cheer up. i second what mr hci said. good points.
I also lack satisfaction with life and agree with everything you've said. Feel better, remember you don't have to do it all forever.
I third what Mr. HCI said but don't get your hopes up.
Jordan, sorry to hear about your mood. It may be time to consider seeking some medical attention regarding depression. If you were serious in the past about possibly having ADD, it might be worthwhile to explore that as well before you get tangled up in graduate school. If a person has ADD, then there is at least a 50% chance of also having depression, anxiety, or a combination of both. If your about to reach the age where you can no longer use your parent's insurance, consider paying cash to a doctor and buying any prescribed meds with cash at a local pharmacy that does not have a national presence (due to record sharing). The reason is that you may need to buy individual insurance until you can get a group plan with a job. Insurance companies selling individual plans can deny selling you coverage for any reason, like depression, unless you live in a state like Mass. with mandatory coverage. That is why it may be important for you not to commingle any future medical records with past medical records in case you find yourself shopping for individual insurance.
Grad school is a different animal than undergrad. Your going to be required to read and memorize a lot more material in greater detail than undergrad. That is why it is necessary to be mentally sharp and able to study for many hours at a time pretty much every day of the week, which is hard to do with untreated depression and possibly ADD. Also, this next year you could do some pre-reading in your subject area to soften the blow of grad school.
Aaron's homoerotic behavior is common among young straight males. Sometimes it is just attention seeking behavior, sometimes it is just playful curiosity, and sometimes it is the initial step to self acceptance of being gay. Being so close to graduation, couldn't you just come out to Aaron at this point? If he is cool with your sexuality and continues his homoerotic behavior, then you can easily ask him about his motivations or curiosities. Straight guys will experiment, but don't expect them to fall in love with you.
Finally, go make some gay friends, you would be surprised at how much that will help your outlook on life.
Hey Jordo....
Hugs first of all. Yeah, I know it can be tough sometimes, and I wish I could say it is definately going to get easier. But Mr HCI makes a good point. Str8 guys (and girls) have issues too, and it always seems greener on the other side of any spectrum. Just hang in there, fill your life with other stuff, make time for your friends - they are usually harder to find and stay around longer. More often than not, while you are not chasing something, it can suddenly land in your lap.
i know EXACTLY how you feel. Im sorry dude, you'll get through it.
talking to you about girls in the homophobic environment you have described on this blog could just be his cover story ... go back to the well and see if you can dive a little deeper - if you were that sure about him then you could be dead spot on
not much else to say after our discussion on msn tonight, but i know exactly how you feel. i HATE being gay. so, far, there is absolutely zero benefit, and nothing but heartache, sadness, discrimination and isolation. but, there isn't much i can do to change it. hang in there buddy.
It gets better. A LOT better.
I almost gave up when checking out my man when he talked about a girlfriend. Luckily I didn't.
I think most of us have done the g/f thing - yeah.
Don't think for a minute, J, that there's anything wrong with you coz there isn't.
I'd be worried if you weren't going through the roller coaster or emotions. It happens to pretty well all of us at some stage - gay/straight mk/f and otherwise.
And to some of us not just once. Welcome to being a human being.
We all seem to be saying "hang in there"......but if is done with genuine love. It would appear you are very close to graduating from your Christian University. Set some goals......like making it thru to the end. Once graduated start making new friends, expand your circle. Talk with a doctor about depression.......it's not only an old persons problem.
Most of all take very good care of yourself, you of all people deserve it.
When you're happy, we're happy with you. When you hurt Jordo, we're right here to help comfort you, too. Don't apologize for being a down or any of that; you've a legitimate reason to be upset with life.
I don't have any magic words to make you feel better, and I won't bs you with "don't worry, you won't always be alone" etc and all that. What I CAN tell you is, these feelings of being horrible never last. They come and go, but if you wait them out they will end or decrease.
Until that happens, I'm still here supporting you, and I know the others are, too.
I totally sympathize. There's a certain heartbreak that comes with being gay that's almost impossible to communicate to those who've never experienced it. I think you summarize it well in your paragraph that starts "Hiding myself..." I'm very hopeful that I move past these types of experiences after I graduate college so that I begin to have faith again in a possible future where I'm not so demoralized by what feels like constant setbacks in regards to who I develop feelings for. And congratulations on coming out to your mom, I think that's a fantastic first step towards feeling the wind behind your back, so to speak. If you've gotten the hurdle of telling your family out of the way, I think you're more likely to feel confidence in who you are and approach ambiguous situations with a surer sense of what you're looking for and sharper expectations.
What gay/bi or "bi-curious" guy at a conservative Christian Uni is gonna NOT mention cute girls when first meeting someone. So keep talking.
Well now you know that a mutual friend thinks Aaron will be fine when you come out to him. Don't you figure they and other friends have speculated about you and if you are gay/bi whatever?
If Aaron sees a possibility he may want to see if he is too! It is very complicated how the conflicted queer mind or heart operates. Rational is not part of it.
Bide your time and ease on down...
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