Had a phone convo with my pa for the first time since he found out...
It was rough. He said some things which where extremely hurtful. I know he didn't know how much he was hurting me, but it doesn't change the fact that he hurt me a lot.
Tonight I cried harder than I ever have in my life.
My dad says he'll love me no matter what... but after that conversation I sure didn't feel loved.
I came out to the rents for emotional and social support, not for moral counseling. It seems my pa is interested only in the latter.
He holds onto his universals so firmly that he can't take the time to see the particular.
Morality takes priority over suffering, law over experience
I'm expected to abstain and conform to a prescribe mode of being
The truth of it tho is that even in my abstinence i have chosen against the way of abstinence
Because of my beliefs, because of my feelings, because of my needs, because of experience, and ultimately out of grace.
I have to live my life, my father does not.
It is mine to loose or to gain.
And i cannot go on suffering like this, or i will end up dead
So i must strive to live out my choice
If my fathers beliefs are forced upon me they will loose me, and I could loose myself.
So i must be my own master, i must take the reins.
I must move to higher grounds where people will celebrate my sexuality and encourage me to live a full, happy, and fulfilling life.
Jordan
ps sorry for how abstract and disorganized this post is. I'm incredibly exhausted from this stresss and it's the best i could do at this moment. I'll post something more satisfactory latter.... just yea i'm really struggling right now
Core memory unlocked!
5 years ago
15 comments:
it may still be a shock for him and he may not know how to deal with it so he is doing teh best he can. give him time, it sounds like he is trying, just doesn't know how to do it.
J - you're not alone. Remember - and go read my blog - it's sort of about U again! Wow - you've started something around here as well! I love you for it!
Hey, but my Dad took months - nearly three years in fact - before he would let me say ANYTHING at all in his presence about my (gay) feelings or my life as a gay young man. He could not bring himself to accept that he had given birth to a queer. It was one of the things which pushed me into starting to work actively for gay rights here.
Eventually my Mum helped him see that he would simply loose me - for I had the bit between my teeth and was making gay friends who were supporting me. At that stage I prob loved them more than my Dad.
Awful thing, in a way - but you've got to be seriously screwed up if you LOVE the man who is beating you. He must stop beating you before he has the right (?) YES! Before he has the right for you to treat him again as a son might normally treat his loving father.
I know at the minute it's incredibly difficult to see that everything is changing for the better, but believe me your Dad, just like mine, has got to confront this in his own time.
Ultimately your Mum won't let him get this wrong.
This post expresses your feelings beautifully, with absolute clarity.
Your father needed to say his piece, he would feel a sense of duty. Now he must understand that if he wants to keep you he must accept you the way you are. You will answer for the life you lead, not him. I cannot accept that a god of love could want that your love not be fulfilled. Such a god has no place in my life.
You know which direction in life to take. Be strong and you will soon reach a good place.
Jordan - it's going to be tough for your father to relinquish his role as your moral compass. Remember that part of his job in life was to teach you the basic values of life and set you out on a course to discover the rest for yourself. There's going to be lots of times he wants to give you the answer (like now) but eventually I think he will realize that he has already given you the foundation and that it will be better for you to rely on your own moral compass to set you on the right path. The important thing is that he will love you no matter what - he doesn't have to like all the choices you make and it's not your job to make choices that he will like. This is just the first of many conversations, so now that the tears are behind you, keep going forward with your head high.
I would suggest you give your mom a copy of the Prayers for Bobby dvd.
Let her watch it and take time to let her get to grips with it, as I'm sure she will, as mums are always better in this than dads.
Then, when she feels the time is right, she will show it to your dad.
It feels like the battle I fought some 40 years ago here in NL is now unfolding in similar ways in some parts of the USA. I'm also sure that with time, like it happened here, an overwhelming majority, even in religious circles will agree that god also created homosexuals and loves them and needs them to reduce over- population and to save the planet . . .
we are also essential in God's plan with the world, even the popes realised that when they had all these gay artists and scientists build and decorate the Vatican.
All this in a week where we Dutch are trying to get the Russians in Moscow to act a bit more homo-tolerant during the Eurovision song contest.
So you see, you are part of history and will long be remembered if you play your part seriously
There storms out there but your on the right course. Try to maintain an even keel.
You have the right to love and be loved on your own terms. Or that is at least the moral I stick to.
p.s.
Today I picked up my dad, to go to the hospital to visit my mum. They were supposed to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary this week, but we've cancelled all celebrations because she had a stroke last week. Still, we were laughing and joking on the way back from hospital, because my mum is improving and we could, after a week of not being able to understand a single word she tried to utter, finally today grasp her first words again, and they were words of anger, because she did not agree with the words of the preacher she was wheeled to this morning. So you see, even anger sometimes is good.
And with my dad: on my coming out some 40 years ago he said: what difference does that make today? What did I know then? we were lucky we were able to educate you better then we were ourselves.
I'm so sorry to hear your father reacted that way. I hope it wasn't as harsh as in this story that a rabid homophobe was kind enough to share with me, so I could better understand what a horrible person I am.
Give him time. A parent finding out a child is gay is often compared to finding out that child has died. You have taken the child your father thought he knew and replaced him with a stranger whom he thinks he does not know.
Do not back down, though. Do not allow him to browbeat you into submission. If he can't accept who you are, that is his loss and his choice.
Hang in there.
I think Mr. HCI has said it all best, especially give your dad time.
In the meantime, I am here to support you as always.
Oh, Jordon, I am so sorry for your hurt. You did it on the phone this time, but in person he can see your tears and feel how much his ignorant words hurt you. Your mom will work on him. Make sure she knows exactly what he said and tell her what you just said in this post. They both need to understand what YOU are feeling and thinking. They need to be constantly reminded of the very real and immediate impact their words have on the son they love. This is a time for honesty; they need to know the truth, that is YOUR truth. Make sure dad knows he is making a choice here. But give him time, and make sure he SEES what he is doing.
His reaction is to retreat to the theoretical and abstract, where feeling has no place. He may be shocked to face what he has known for a long time.
You post was eloquent. Stay strong and be sure dad knows how vital his love for you is.
As you say, grace is at work here. Help him see that. Share more than challenge.
Love,
steevo
Everyone said the right words. You are a strong person, and must stand up for what you feel is right, to live your life the way you want, and need, to do.
*big hugs*
Jordan
Just hang in there and give your dad time. Hopefully with support from yor mom he will see more clearly
take care and be safe
bob
oh, man...i'm really sorry to hear that your dad reacted that way. like the short convo i had with my dad, i'm sure he didn't mean to say anything hurtful. i know its not the same thing, but dads want the best for their sons. hopefully in time, he will realize that it is your life, and you need to live it and be happy. when he comes to that realization, hopefully he will come around to acceptance. my dad isn't really super religious, but he is fairly conservative. my mom however, is very religious and will no doubt try to be my moral compass when i come out. telling them will be the most difficult thing i've ever done. we are not bad people simply because we are attracted to the same sex. i will soon be facing the same challenges you are facing now. despite how hard it will be, i need to be free of this burden i have been carrying for far too long. i need to be honest and out and finally be able to be my true self. it sounds as though you need the same thing. once you get past this hurdle, i think you begin to feel a lot better. less depressed, less stress. i feel your hurt. but i am so proud of you. i wish i had some more useful advice to offer. just know that i am here for you buddy. if you need anything, please ask. *hugs*
i love you my friend,
dw
I agree with everybody who advises giving your dad time to adjust. It doesn't mean that you have to accept everything he says as the absolute truth. You are right that you have to live by your own honest understanding of right and wrong.
I'm sure that his reaction hurts, but try to focus on the positive — he says he still loves you; and even if he sees things differently from you, it is an honest disagreement and he wants what he sincerely thinks is best for you.
Hang in there.
*hugs*
Dads are funny things... By parters dad loves him to bits and does absolutely anything for him. But bring me around and he either refuses to talk or just hides all together. For family reasons by parter still lives with his dad and Im not allowed to stay over. At first I thought FFS Im 20 years old I should have to out up with this shit. Since then Iv sorta gotten used to it. Anyway my point was... Although it doesn't feel like hes being very supportive now, its important to remember that he is also trying to cope in his own way. That may not be something that works for you but does for him.
In time I am sure things will change, hindsight will no doubt occur and make him realise how things really are. But until then good luck and Im always here if you wanna flick me an email or chat to on MSN.
Loves
B xo
Post a Comment