In pieces

As of late things have been hard on me. Even before coming out to my mother I was a wreck. Couldn't focus, having head aches a lot, feeling sick, random fits of anger...

I think I'm suffering from chronic depression and anxiety... and I have a really hard time saying that. I feel weak and stupid, like once people know i'm hurting they'll reject me cause i'm too much of a burden... I have a problem being vulnerable, here and in real life. I want to have everything together, be the perfect athlete, scholar, friend, ect.
But lately I feel as though everything has fallen apart. For four years I've carried in my heart the secret of my sexuality and harbored there all the feelings of rejection and isolation that a homophobic society wishes to instill in me.

Every morning i wake up anxious, sometimes i don't even know why. I can't focus and my brain feels like its turned to jelly.

I think it's all cause of the stresses associated with being closeted person. Being closeted is a chronic stress which, as any chronic stress does, slowly eats away at you from the inside. I feel my state is continually getting worse.

Most people can't tell that things are wrong with me, cuz i'm really good at hiding it. I don't show emotion all that easily, which sucks cause i feel it easier than anyone i know.


idk where i'm going with all of this... it's a very disorganized post so sorry for that... i barely make sense...


All I know is it feels like i'm grieving... grieving for the potential loss of friends, grieving for my mental state, grieving cuz i fell apart academically, grieving cuz i feel like a total failure, grieving for the life I could have had if things had played out different, grieving for Aaron.....



anyways, onto the specifics in my life...

I moved out of my campus housing yesterday and am now living at home. the moving process sucked, but it's done

I have had to take incompletes in two of my classes because i fell apart at the end of school. I have until next fall to finish a couple of papers... which won't be that bad. In addition to that i'm supposed to turn in a paper tomorrow, but i can't think right now. I've been trying to work on it and my mind will just wonder off, or i'll start getting anxious again. I feel pretty sick and i just can't focus....

we ate dinner as a family tongiht. I just sat there silent the whole time. i couldn't talk i've been too stressed. Thoughts kept circling in my head and the impending thought that this paper is due tomorrow was haunting me. On top of that I kept on thinking about my friends...
Anyways my mom talked to me afterwards. she wants me to go see a pyschiatrist to get some meds to help me out for the time being... she's right it'd prbly be better for me... she's a psych teacher. she's awesome tho and just hugged me and loved me. She doesn't understand everything i'm going through but she's here for me.

anyways... Last night aaron, i and some friends went to see star trek. It was dec. but afterwards I just felt like shit cuz I feel like Aaron's been treating me like shit lately. he's been snappy and doesn't really talk to me that much... and it hurts me. after the movie was over i really wanted to hug him goodbye cuz he is leaving for home for a couple days, but we didn't hug he just high fived me... what is that? fucking middle school?

In general I don't feel like any of my friends appreciate me that much. I'm the kind of person that needs a lot of encouragement in order to function. I need people telling me i'm worthwhile otherwise i feel like shit. even if i do well at school, or sports, or whatev i feel like shit about it until someone affirms me... and lately i've been deprived of much affirmation... People also pick on me sometimes... I'm kinda slow and disorganized .... actually quite so ... and sometimes people give me shit about it, most of the time it doesn't bother me, but lately it has been. Especially when aaron does it.

Also, yesterday after star trek one of my friends said i was like spock... i don't express emotion... ouch
I try to be emotional and have fun and stuff.... but it's been hard lately cuz i've been thinking about so much, and i can't talk to everybody about coming out to my parents and shit.... so i spose they're right... I do feel very bottled up, like i have a lot of things to say and no one is listening...

I don't know where this post was going... i forgot.

but yea I'm struggling right now and I don't know what to do.
I feel like I've watched everything fall to pieces. My life feels like it's crumbling, and i don't know what to do.
If life were a video game i'd hit the reset button and everything would be alright, but it isn't... it just keeps going.
I need a break, and i need a person or people to live life with me who will take care of me and help me take care of myself.

Alright this is an end to a long and disorganized post

Jordo

Bad News

Had a phone convo with my pa for the first time since he found out...

It was rough. He said some things which where extremely hurtful. I know he didn't know how much he was hurting me, but it doesn't change the fact that he hurt me a lot.

Tonight I cried harder than I ever have in my life.

My dad says he'll love me no matter what... but after that conversation I sure didn't feel loved.

I came out to the rents for emotional and social support, not for moral counseling. It seems my pa is interested only in the latter.

He holds onto his universals so firmly that he can't take the time to see the particular.

Morality takes priority over suffering, law over experience

I'm expected to abstain and conform to a prescribe mode of being

The truth of it tho is that even in my abstinence i have chosen against the way of abstinence
Because of my beliefs, because of my feelings, because of my needs, because of experience, and ultimately out of grace.

I have to live my life, my father does not.

It is mine to loose or to gain.
And i cannot go on suffering like this, or i will end up dead
So i must strive to live out my choice

If my fathers beliefs are forced upon me they will loose me, and I could loose myself.

So i must be my own master, i must take the reins.

I must move to higher grounds where people will celebrate my sexuality and encourage me to live a full, happy, and fulfilling life.

Jordan


ps sorry for how abstract and disorganized this post is. I'm incredibly exhausted from this stresss and it's the best i could do at this moment. I'll post something more satisfactory latter.... just yea i'm really struggling right now

letter from mom

After I told my mom I felt really sick: my knees were weak, I felt dizzy, had a huge headache, and wanted to vomit.

I think it was simply from the adrenaline rush telling her gave me.
It was also because my coming out to her tonight was as big as a surprise to her as it was to me. That's right, when I woke up this morning I had no intention of coming out to anyone... and tonight my parents know.

I know she reacted well but still... huge shock even to me.



I was really shaken up earlier tonight so I called my old roomie Jeff and told him what happened and that I needed to hang out. So we went to a late night dinner and talked. It was good.

Among other things we talked about me coming out to Aaron, he said that he thinks Aaron wouldn't care at all and that he would still be my friend. I also told him about my crush on Aaron and he was pretty cool about it. He suggested that I just don't tell Aaron that right away. So yeah, Aaron's next on my coming out hit list.... it's like I'm building momentum

oh and as a side note i came out to one of the people that works in student life today as well.....

I don't know what got into me, but this long feeling like shit, eventually I had to just be like "fuck it all I gotta be honest"

so yea that's where I'm at

still gotta talk to pa, little nervous, but not as bad as I was before....

oh and here's the letter my mom wrote me after she told my dad

_________________________________________________


Dear Jordan, I told dad....and we both want you to know that we love you and always will. Eventually, when you're ready, dad would like to speak with you in person. At this point, we are not planning personally on telling anyone, even ______ [aunt] and ______ [uncle]. It will happen with time, but it's not really up to us to decide when or how at this point. I'm glad that you told me, really, and I hope that you can start feeling some relief from the mental angst that this has obviously been causing you these last few year. I guess I don't really know what you might be thinking about right now, but please don't see your last four years as a mistake. You have learned, you have grown, through the hardship, and through the pain. I guess I don't know what else to say.....except that I love you. You are still, and always will be, my precious son.

MOM

_______________________________


gotta love moms,

Much love

Jordo

Coming Out After Shock

So....

I came out to my mom.
Like 10 minutes ago

I'm in a state of shock right now

Can't really think straight

It went well

She said she loves me no matter what
and that she just wants me to be happy again

I told her (on the phone) because she was trying to figure out why I am so depressed

I told her i couldn't tell her why i was depressed, and that coming to my uni was the worst decision ever. She cried

then we hung up


then i called her back
and asked her if she would love me no matter what. She said yes.

and told her

So we'll see how my dad takes the news.

I'm scared and in a state of shock right now.

I may be terrified right now, but things may get better.
I guess if you pray, pray that my dad takes the news well... or if you meditate or whatever else people can do...

but seriously..
I am scared shitless and elated at the same time

I'll put up a better post about this whole thing latter


Jordo

My life

I feel that given the abstract nature of my last two posts I should fill in some of the specifics about my life.

As you already know I'm gay. However, I'm not your ‘typical gay guy’: I don't dress, look, act, or sound gay. I don’t have any of the 'signs' of being gay besides the fact that I've never been into girls, and I check out guys.

Unfortunately, in our society when people try to figure out if someone is gay they usually draw conclusions based upon his appearance and mannerisms and not from his actual sexual interests. This is why most people assume I’m straight and are genuinely surprised to hear I don’t have, and never have had, a girlfriend. They figure a decent looking athletic guy who likes sports and hangs out with a bunch of straight people couldn't possibly be gay. They quickly dismiss my apparent lack of interest in girls as just a sign that I'm really picky, or they invent some other bullshit reason to justify their belief that I’m straight.

It really frustrates me how stupid and clueless people are about homosexuality; they think there is some inherent contradiction in a gay jock, or an effeminate straight person. I feel like if I did come out to everyone they’d probably expect me to start dressing drag…

Needless to say I don't have to try that hard with most people to hide that I'm gay (although there have been some close calls—more on that latter).

As I said earlier I'm pretty athletic...well at least I try to be. I play for my university’s rugby team as a full back (btw rugby is the greatest sport ever invented), and played hockey and soccer in high school. I've been involved in sports for a long time, and loved every minute of it. I think I actually have an addiction to working out and playing sports. If I don't get physical activity in every day I'll get kind of down. Sports are my coping mechanism. Not sure if that's a good or a bad thing, but that’s okay because it's really the best addiction you could have.

I'm a senior in university and gonna graduate in two months…that's way too fucking soon!! I will be graduating with a major in philosophy and literature and have specializations in all other sorts of shit. I am on the track to go to grad school and study philosophy, theology, or any other of the humanities, but I don’t know if that’s what I want. I’d rather be a professional athlete, or a musician, or a model, or a ski bum, or something else. But I don’t know if any of those are plausible... I guess that I’m pretty good at academics, and could be successful in it, but I just don’t know if I have the heart to do it.

And oh yeah… kind of ashamed to admit this one….

I go to a Christian university. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good school academically speaking, and I’ve learned just as much, if not more, here as I would at most public institutions. However, the atmosphere here is hostile to gay people (among other groups of people). Don’t worry I don’t go to Bob Jones or some other crazy ass fundamentalist university (I hate fundamentalism). The school I go to is more moderate and doesn’t take sides in political issues (yes, there is a college democrats club on campus). But when it comes to the issue of homosexuality it really drops the ball. Most students are embarrassingly ignorant about homosexuality and think it’s a sin or gross, or both. I kind of wish I would have never come here in the first place cause then I wouldn’t have to put up with all this Christian bullshit.

On top of that there are only a few out gay guys at my school, and none of them are my type. I don’t even know where or how I’d begin looking for someone to date. There are some guys I think are in the closet, but you can’t really tell until you ask. So yeah my romantic life is pretty shitty right now.

I don’t think coming out would be so hard for me if I wasn’t submersed in a Christian atmosphere. My parents and friends are all Christians and have been raised to think that homosexuality is a sin. I honestly don’t even know what would happen if I came out, but I feel most people would reject me or try to ‘fix’ me.

My cousin came out a several years ago, when I was in my early teens, and my dad, along with the rest of my family, was getting all concerned with the eternal fate of his soul and kept on denouncing his ‘lifestyle’. All I wanted to say to them was, “who gives a shit! You really think God’s gonna keep someone out of heaven cause they’re gay?”
Since that whole incident (which was before I really figured out I was gay) I have felt that homosexuality isn’t wrong, and that gay people are the one’s whom should be the least judged and condemned out of everyone because we are already the victims of so much hate and discrimination—if anyone deserves grace it is gay people, not Christians.

Anyways, all that goes to say that the environment of my life is not conducive to help me grow as a gay man. Sometimes I want to ditch my whole life here and move somewhere far away where I’ll be accepted, but at the same time I still care for my friends and family here, and this is where my roots are. I just wish that they could accept me for who I am.


Well this concludes a rambling post with random info about my life—hope it helps you understand where I’m coming from.

If you’re gay and find yourself in a Christian atmosphere you should check out the link I posted on the side of this page called ‘a biblical affirmation of homosexuality’. You should also check out the book “Stranger at the Gates” by Mel White. It’s the story of Mel’s life as a closeted gay man in popular Christian culture. He used to be a ghost writer for Billy graham and Jerry Fallwell and all those chumps…that is until he came out.

I’ll post again soon.
I’ll probably post about the second straight guy I fell for…

Until then,
Peace

Jordo

In the Closet

So… If you couldn’t figure it out in the first post… I’m gay. Some gays feel guilty about their orientation and struggle with it for years. That’s not me. I’m fine being gay; in fact I don’t think I’d have it any other way. From the time I began to realize I was gay I haven’t tried to fight it at all. I realized that my homosexuality constitutes a large part of who I am—to deny homosexuality would be to deny the truth about myself. I couldn’t do that to myself because I realized that those who deny themselves are confined to live lives of illusion and self-hatred. So I couldn’t lie to myself, I couldn’t choose to feel guilty about it; I couldn’t betray my true self. Thankfully I had the courage to internally own up to who I am, otherwise I could have been pretty messed.

Unfortunately, internally owning up to my gayness is only half the picture. See, I like being gay, I like gay people, I wanna live gay and have a cute boyfriend whose caring and smart and makes me breakfast and cuddles and shit. The problem is that no one (well not no one….but probs 95% of the people I know) have a huge ass problem with me being gay—or at least I assume they would if they found out…..

So yeah I’m stuck in the closet, and it fucking sucks.

I guess I’ve come out to 5 peeps, and if it weren’t for these people I’d probably be in much worse shape than I am right now. I am soo grateful for the love and support they have offered to me.

Although it’s great being out to at least a few people it isn’t enough, especially considering that I spend minimal amounts of time with these people. The majority of my life is spent living with people who are still in the dark about my orientation—the majority of my life is spent living a lie.

The problem with living a lie is that after a while you realize that everything that your life has become was built of…well…a lie. You begin to see that the person your friends and family call to hang out with, show concern for when you’re down, or gossip about when you’re not there isn’t you. That person is an illusion, and for that reason any love that others might generate towards that illusion becomes empty. Their love isn’t real to me because it isn’t for me, it’s for some illusion I’ve created—it’s built on a false pretense: that I’m NOT GAY!

I’ve come to accept that if I were to come out at least %50 of my friends would ditch me and most others would loose a lot of respect for me. It is that knowledge that sticks like a thorn in my mind, constantly reminding me not to trust the love and warmth I feel from my friends and family. How can I trust their love if I know it would be shattered so easily? I can’t. Which is why I’ve come to feel that hanging out with my friends, chilling with the fam, and trying to develop relationships while still ‘in the closet’ is inherently meaningless.

So I’ve come to realize that ‘coming out’ is the only way I can bring meaning back to my life.

But here’s the catch; I really respect and cherish my family and friends, and I’d rather have the illusion that they love and respect me than to have no love and respect at all. I feel alienated and alone because of my gayness, but I am dependent upon my image of straightness to secure my social status as cherished and loved. So I’m hiding in this closet cause I’m immobilized by the fear of loosing what I have. But being stuck in the closet isn’t how anyone should live—it’s a life of desperation forced on us by social pressures beyond our control.

I’m fucking sick of it and I want out—I suppose that’s why I’m writing this blog. I’ve gotta find a way to externalize my homosexuality, even if it’s in small steps. I’ve gotta have the balls to step out and be myself, otherwise I’ll slowly wither and die due to lack of love and lack of expression.
I’m not gonna lie, I want a boyfriend, I want to hit on cute guys and not have to hide it, I want my friends and family to know the REAL me and love that person, because only then will their love take on meaning—only then will their love be directed towards me and not some illusion.

So this blog is the story of my life while I’m in the process of coming out. It won’t happen in a day or even a week, it’s gonna take a while, cause I am not ready yet. But thankfully this blog is a part of my coming out, it’s a small step towards the right direction. It’s a step towards truly being myself.

I may not be living out loud and proud yet, but at least I’m thinking out loud.

peace