Head Injuries, Stupid Christians, ADD, and Aaron

So yea, I haven't posted in a couple days and feel like i should, so here we go.
This will probably be more like a stream of consciousness than my other posts (which are often quite deliberate). I also might have a concussion, so bare with me.

I've been frustrated and tired lately. I can barely do any home work because I can't concentrate. As I mentioned before I think I have ADD, and ADD is exacerbated by stress and depression. I wouldn't say I'm super down at the moment but I think I am suffering from the long term effects of stress and depression... and part of me feels that this stress and depression is rooted predominantly in me being a closeted gay guy in a homophobic environment.

I'm really itching to get out of the closet. In fact all I can think about lately is the issues relating to my homosexuality. It doesn't help that everywhere I go homosexuality is brought up. Whether people are joking around, talking about news, talking about religion, or talking about my school's policy homosexuality is always brought up. I can't go a day without hearing people talk about homosexuality. It frustrates me how I never really reveal myself in regards to this issue. I can sit there and debate and dialogue people, listen to insults, or hear stories of coming out but I never reveal myself. It's really frustrating and it's all getting bottled up inside me. Someday i might just explode.

Hell my school is holding this 'forum' which is gonna bring in this speaker who is in favor of 'ex-gay programs' and 'reparative therapy': what bullshit. I don't want to rant too long about this, but it really gets me. It feels like a slap in the face. Like, "all you gays (if you're even out there) should come and let us fix you." arrogant pricks telling people what to do even though they don't understand the first thing about being gay.

I mostly feel bad for any gay person who goes to that event and then gets it into their head that they can change themselves if they pray hard enough. they'll most likely waste countless years denying a part of themselves. A part of themselves that there is nothing wrong with and in fact is beautiful and God given. I'm thankful that i never really felt guilty about being gay, because the social pressure is enough to deal with. But i know everyone is not that fortunate...

If you're reading this I want you to know that if you're gay there is nothing wrong with you; don't let anyone fix you or tell you to change who you are. Don't be afraid of they're fear mongering language. They may tell you it's a sin and that you'll go to hell or that you are diseased and broken, but they're wrong. You're perfectly fine as you are, believe in yourself. If you're struggling with believing that you are fine as you are please write me a message or check out my links on the right hand side of the page. I'd be happy to share with why I think there's nothing wrong with you.


ok, that rant aside

It also seems to me that more and more people are 'Coming Out', and in rather public ways.
It makes me feel like a chicken and a fraud to sit here and watch people stand up for themselves and what they believe in while I hide in this closet.


on a lighter note my team had a big game this weekend against a rival school. we won 28-10, it was awesome. Because of it our standing in our union is going to improve, which is great. I played pretty well and it was a blast. I tackled a guy really hard and now may or may not have a concussion... oh well.

hung out with Aaron quite a bit this weekend. Damn he's a cutie. I guess we're thinking about living together next year.. so yea, what do you folks think? good idea? bad idea?
I feel like i need to come out to him first, but i'm scared of that. advice?

I've decided I don't want to have a romance with him, i just wanna be his friend. But i'm scared to come out to him cause i don't know how I'd answer the question "do you like me in that way?" i feel the answer could destroy our friendship.

hope you found this rambling post worthwhile,

Jordo

My life

I feel that given the abstract nature of my last two posts I should fill in some of the specifics about my life.

As you already know I'm gay. However, I'm not your ‘typical gay guy’: I don't dress, look, act, or sound gay. I don’t have any of the 'signs' of being gay besides the fact that I've never been into girls, and I check out guys.

Unfortunately, in our society when people try to figure out if someone is gay they usually draw conclusions based upon his appearance and mannerisms and not from his actual sexual interests. This is why most people assume I’m straight and are genuinely surprised to hear I don’t have, and never have had, a girlfriend. They figure a decent looking athletic guy who likes sports and hangs out with a bunch of straight people couldn't possibly be gay. They quickly dismiss my apparent lack of interest in girls as just a sign that I'm really picky, or they invent some other bullshit reason to justify their belief that I’m straight.

It really frustrates me how stupid and clueless people are about homosexuality; they think there is some inherent contradiction in a gay jock, or an effeminate straight person. I feel like if I did come out to everyone they’d probably expect me to start dressing drag…

Needless to say I don't have to try that hard with most people to hide that I'm gay (although there have been some close calls—more on that latter).

As I said earlier I'm pretty athletic...well at least I try to be. I play for my university’s rugby team as a full back (btw rugby is the greatest sport ever invented), and played hockey and soccer in high school. I've been involved in sports for a long time, and loved every minute of it. I think I actually have an addiction to working out and playing sports. If I don't get physical activity in every day I'll get kind of down. Sports are my coping mechanism. Not sure if that's a good or a bad thing, but that’s okay because it's really the best addiction you could have.

I'm a senior in university and gonna graduate in two months…that's way too fucking soon!! I will be graduating with a major in philosophy and literature and have specializations in all other sorts of shit. I am on the track to go to grad school and study philosophy, theology, or any other of the humanities, but I don’t know if that’s what I want. I’d rather be a professional athlete, or a musician, or a model, or a ski bum, or something else. But I don’t know if any of those are plausible... I guess that I’m pretty good at academics, and could be successful in it, but I just don’t know if I have the heart to do it.

And oh yeah… kind of ashamed to admit this one….

I go to a Christian university. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good school academically speaking, and I’ve learned just as much, if not more, here as I would at most public institutions. However, the atmosphere here is hostile to gay people (among other groups of people). Don’t worry I don’t go to Bob Jones or some other crazy ass fundamentalist university (I hate fundamentalism). The school I go to is more moderate and doesn’t take sides in political issues (yes, there is a college democrats club on campus). But when it comes to the issue of homosexuality it really drops the ball. Most students are embarrassingly ignorant about homosexuality and think it’s a sin or gross, or both. I kind of wish I would have never come here in the first place cause then I wouldn’t have to put up with all this Christian bullshit.

On top of that there are only a few out gay guys at my school, and none of them are my type. I don’t even know where or how I’d begin looking for someone to date. There are some guys I think are in the closet, but you can’t really tell until you ask. So yeah my romantic life is pretty shitty right now.

I don’t think coming out would be so hard for me if I wasn’t submersed in a Christian atmosphere. My parents and friends are all Christians and have been raised to think that homosexuality is a sin. I honestly don’t even know what would happen if I came out, but I feel most people would reject me or try to ‘fix’ me.

My cousin came out a several years ago, when I was in my early teens, and my dad, along with the rest of my family, was getting all concerned with the eternal fate of his soul and kept on denouncing his ‘lifestyle’. All I wanted to say to them was, “who gives a shit! You really think God’s gonna keep someone out of heaven cause they’re gay?”
Since that whole incident (which was before I really figured out I was gay) I have felt that homosexuality isn’t wrong, and that gay people are the one’s whom should be the least judged and condemned out of everyone because we are already the victims of so much hate and discrimination—if anyone deserves grace it is gay people, not Christians.

Anyways, all that goes to say that the environment of my life is not conducive to help me grow as a gay man. Sometimes I want to ditch my whole life here and move somewhere far away where I’ll be accepted, but at the same time I still care for my friends and family here, and this is where my roots are. I just wish that they could accept me for who I am.


Well this concludes a rambling post with random info about my life—hope it helps you understand where I’m coming from.

If you’re gay and find yourself in a Christian atmosphere you should check out the link I posted on the side of this page called ‘a biblical affirmation of homosexuality’. You should also check out the book “Stranger at the Gates” by Mel White. It’s the story of Mel’s life as a closeted gay man in popular Christian culture. He used to be a ghost writer for Billy graham and Jerry Fallwell and all those chumps…that is until he came out.

I’ll post again soon.
I’ll probably post about the second straight guy I fell for…

Until then,
Peace

Jordo