So yea, I haven't posted in a couple days and feel like i should, so here we go.
This will probably be more like a stream of consciousness than my other posts (which are often quite deliberate). I also might have a concussion, so bare with me.
I've been frustrated and tired lately. I can barely do any home work because I can't concentrate. As I mentioned before I think I have ADD, and ADD is exacerbated by stress and depression. I wouldn't say I'm super down at the moment but I think I am suffering from the long term effects of stress and depression... and part of me feels that this stress and depression is rooted predominantly in me being a closeted gay guy in a homophobic environment.
I'm really itching to get out of the closet. In fact all I can think about lately is the issues relating to my homosexuality. It doesn't help that everywhere I go homosexuality is brought up. Whether people are joking around, talking about news, talking about religion, or talking about my school's policy homosexuality is always brought up. I can't go a day without hearing people talk about homosexuality. It frustrates me how I never really reveal myself in regards to this issue. I can sit there and debate and dialogue people, listen to insults, or hear stories of coming out but I never reveal myself. It's really frustrating and it's all getting bottled up inside me. Someday i might just explode.
Hell my school is holding this 'forum' which is gonna bring in this speaker who is in favor of 'ex-gay programs' and 'reparative therapy': what bullshit. I don't want to rant too long about this, but it really gets me. It feels like a slap in the face. Like, "all you gays (if you're even out there) should come and let us fix you." arrogant pricks telling people what to do even though they don't understand the first thing about being gay.
I mostly feel bad for any gay person who goes to that event and then gets it into their head that they can change themselves if they pray hard enough. they'll most likely waste countless years denying a part of themselves. A part of themselves that there is nothing wrong with and in fact is beautiful and God given. I'm thankful that i never really felt guilty about being gay, because the social pressure is enough to deal with. But i know everyone is not that fortunate...
If you're reading this I want you to know that if you're gay there is nothing wrong with you; don't let anyone fix you or tell you to change who you are. Don't be afraid of they're fear mongering language. They may tell you it's a sin and that you'll go to hell or that you are diseased and broken, but they're wrong. You're perfectly fine as you are, believe in yourself. If you're struggling with believing that you are fine as you are please write me a message or check out my links on the right hand side of the page. I'd be happy to share with why I think there's nothing wrong with you.
ok, that rant aside
It also seems to me that more and more people are 'Coming Out', and in rather public ways.
It makes me feel like a chicken and a fraud to sit here and watch people stand up for themselves and what they believe in while I hide in this closet.
on a lighter note my team had a big game this weekend against a rival school. we won 28-10, it was awesome. Because of it our standing in our union is going to improve, which is great. I played pretty well and it was a blast. I tackled a guy really hard and now may or may not have a concussion... oh well.
hung out with Aaron quite a bit this weekend. Damn he's a cutie. I guess we're thinking about living together next year.. so yea, what do you folks think? good idea? bad idea?
I feel like i need to come out to him first, but i'm scared of that. advice?
I've decided I don't want to have a romance with him, i just wanna be his friend. But i'm scared to come out to him cause i don't know how I'd answer the question "do you like me in that way?" i feel the answer could destroy our friendship.
hope you found this rambling post worthwhile,
Jordo
Core memory unlocked!
5 years ago
12 comments:
Hey, as for the coming out things I'm right there with you. I talk about it all the time and I've only ever told a few people (sometimes random ones at that). But to sit there and talk about how "those gays should get married for blah blah blah" (we all know the arguments and I support them whole heartedly)I wanna just tell people, "you wanna tell me I can't have the same rights as you?" Make the point you know, never have done it yet, but maybe I will sometime.
As for this Aaron fellow, I'm new so I think I've got some reading to do, cause I have no good advice.
I hope you can see a doctor about your head, please do.
It's weird dude . . . living where I do, homosexuality is just kind of an non issue. I truly feel for you bro. Even still, coming out is such a difficult and personal matter. Nothing or no one should influence your decision. When you're ready you'll know it. If you're anything like me, you'll have a big case of the fuckits'. That's all it takes.
Jordan,
What do you have planned after graduation? Will you be moving very far away?
I think you should tell Aaron before making firm plans to live together. That way you can feel free to date openly if you choose. I know it is possible that he won’t want to live with you if you tell him now, and there is the possibility if you wait and live with him first, and then come out he might be able to adjust. However, you really have to come to the point where you do what is best for your mental health, so don’t focus too much on Aaron. If he does not want to live with a gay guy next year it will be best for you to suck it up say goodbye and move on with your life.
You owe it to both Aaron and yourself to come out to him before making plans to cohabitate. If you don't until after you're already sharing living quarters and he doesn't take it well, you'll both go through Hell.
Read up on Reparative Therapy! It is utter bullshit. If it worked, I'd be straight! Why? One of the things you must do is form a closely-bonded, non-sexual relationship with a straight male. This will satisfy your need for male companionship and your natural, heterosexual desires will come to the surface. Hmmmm . . . other than my Phil and my female friend Virginia, my closest friends are all heterosexual males.
Also, check out NARTH, the National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality.
A couple of choice quotes from their site:
1. There is no scientific research indicating a biological or genetic cause for homosexuality. Biological factors may play a role in the predisposition to homosexuality. However, this is true of many other psychological conditions.
Research suggests that social and psychological factors are strongly influential. Examples include problems in early family relationships, sexual seduction, and sense of inadequacy with same-sex peers, with resulting disturbance in gender identity. Society can also influence a sexually questioning youth when it encourages gay self-labeling.2. Scientific research supports age-old cultural norms that homosexuality is not a healthy, natural alternative to heterosexuality. Research shows that gay teens are especially vulnerable to substance abuse and early, high-risk sexual behavior. It does far more harm than good to tell a teenager that his or her attractions toward members of the same sex are normal and desirable.And these people claim to be compassionate towards us? It's good to spread lies (1)? It's better for kids to tell them they're sick and abnormal rather than fine the way they are (2)?
I agree with the people who say it's better to tell Aaron before you move in together. If he asks about your feelings toward him, just tell him what you've told us — all you want is friendship, not romance.
And don't beat up on yourself for not coming out to the world. You have to survive where you are.
One of the things I learned from watching Milk (with Sean Penn and James Franco) is that if you're out, people are less likely to gay-bash. We need to make ourselves visible to prove that we are not invisible and that we are just like every one else (for the most part).
Also, those ex-gay programs/reparative theraies are full of crap.
Jordan - email me by all means. I've been thro' a deal of this and campaigned actively for the gay rights we've largely achieved in the UK.
Of course you must tell Aaron you're gay. If it's going to work to share together U need to know he's not going to throw a wobbly later when he finds out. Which he will.
Secondly - don't try to reconcile church and being gay or school and being gay. By all means work on reconciling God and being gay. The same is true whether you're Baptist/Catholic/Jewish/Muslim/Russian Orthodox.
Wot Ur God means to you is what matters. Not wot some (claiming to be) het male tells you and his women about his own religion. Why are there so many branches of religion and churches in the US if there's one truth?
Okay, first of all I'll address the last part of your post....."do you like me in that way". Simple answer is "I find you attractive, but then again I find lots of guys attractive and I'd much rather have you as a friend". You'd be honest with him and at the same time let him know what is more important to you.
As for being depressed........my God who wouldn't be in your position. I suppose if you don't feel comfortable (damn who ever feel comfortable about coming out) enough to come out yet don't do it. When you finally do it will be right for you.
Continue to blog. There are lots of us here willing to tell you of our experiences, that's really the best we can do......but we are there for you ALL THE WAY.
The more you think about homosexuality, the more you'll notice it... People talking about it, and the 'new publicity' your seeing is not new, its always been there... Because of your progress in self acceptance you're hyper sensitive to anything gay...
I shouldn't have to tell you about subconscious repetitive recognition... come on Mr. Philosophy...
Cheers on the win btw, I LOVED beating the rivals in football when I was in HS...
your posts are always worth wile. i would definitely come out to Aaron before moving in with him. i know how hard that will be, but seems the right thing to do. i have been thinking a lot about homosexuality lately as well. i feel the same way you do...like a chicken shit for hiding in the closet and not having the balls to be the real me. i can deffo appreciate your feelings of frustration, and the feelings of stress and depression. i have been battling those feelings for the better part of 20 years. it really takes a toll after a while. i wonder if i will ever feel happy again sometimes. but, i hit rock bottom last october, and have been trying to claw my way back from the brink. as i make progress in coming out, i can begin to believe that maybe i will feel happy again someday. i wish i had done this ages ago. i guess what i mean to say is that those feelings of stress and depression are cumulative. the sooner you get out from under them, the faster you will be able to be happy. *hugs*
lots of love,
DW
Ahh! Get your head checked out A.S.A.P!
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