1. Most Christians
by most Christians I really mean most Christians that I'm around. They are hypocritical, unthoughtful, unreflective, and self-righteous sons and daughters of bitches. The offspring of Babylon if you will (pardon the biblical reference).
Ok maybe I'm being a little reactionary, but have patience with me... I'm in a figurative shit hole.
A lot of people at this school have been raised in Christendom--that beast which has created a set of orthodoxical dogmas and orthopraxical expectations, which serve more to justify a white, heterosexual, American, and middle class lifestyle rather than actually do justice to the message of the bible.
NO one dare question any position or lifestyle, not because it's wrong to do so, but because it's so against the norm that Christendom has come to accept as objectively and universally true.
And homosexuality.... that's right out of the fucking question. If i stood up in an assembly said 'i'm gay' people could handle that, because they would dismiss me as a sinner and refer me to counseling. However, if i stood up and said 'I'm gay and there's nothing wrong with it' people would be so awestruck and dumbfounded they wouldn't even be able to speak. I would not be referred to counseling, instead everyone would just go on talking as if I said nothing. I'd be ignored because they'd consider me insane. I might as well say, 'i believe in purple unicorns'...Both statements have similar truth value for many Christians here.
2. Christians censoring shit
My school blocks some websites: File sharing sites, porno sites, and, most recently, gay networking sites.
I joined a decent networking site and was just looking to meet some people. I'm not looking to hookup with anyone, just meet people... who knows, maybe fall in love... jk
but yea so now that site is blocked by my school
It wasn't even a sketchy site. No nudes no nothing... just gay guys trying to befriend each other.
here's what gets me, i think they blocked it after it started getting hits from my computer. They probably saw this site was getting hits and then were like, 'shit can't let the faggots meet eachother!!!' ass holes
so i'm probably being monitored who knows... this site might be next
they won't stop me though... internet is everywhere.
3. the fact that if I did happen to meet a gay guy here nothing will come of it
So.... there's this super cute guy in one my classes. really sweet. I'll write more about him latter. But i have decent reason to assume he's gay or at least interested in me.
Here's the thing though: as long as i'm in this atmosphere nothings gonna come of it because it's not like I can just walk up and be like 'so... are you gay' and even if something did happen, it'd have to happen underground. What bullshit.
Apparently fantasy is far as one can get under this oppressive regime...
allright there are more things that frustrate me, but i've gotta go.
an underground and frustrated queer,
Jordo
Core memory unlocked!
5 years ago
15 comments:
Talk to the cute boy if you want. You don't have to ask him point blank about his sexuality at this point, in his current environment maybe he is just in the confused state of mind anyway.
Worse case is you pick up another friend, best case you guys could sneak around a little bit.
Don't you graduate in a month or so?
ya i graduate in a month, so then i'm out of here. It'll probably be good for me.
I'm ready to be done with this place, as you might be able to tell...
So when you graduate, what job prospects in larger cities do you have? I hope you'll be able to spread your wings.
Right on J!
Welcome to a new state of belief. One many of us can subscribe to. The sooner you can leave that place the better. But as Tommy says, do try to say something to this cute boy before you leave.
He probably won't have the nerve, but you never know. U could be throwing him a lifeline.
Jordan I really hope you are able to find your way into a more open and supportive environment. I'm not sure all Christians look at the world the same way and there are many churches that much more open and supportive. The evangelical movement in the USA has some strange ideas - it's probably best to turn tail and run from them. Good luck - one month to go and it's gonna go fast!
You may feel underground, but you are also maintaining yer privacy.
If that kid is acting on his queer "impulses", at least saying hi and having coffee and sounding him out may be sending him a lifeline. You m ay be the only person brave enough to even let him think it might be ok to be queer.
Jordan,
What can you tell us, while maintaining your anonymity, about your plans after graduation. Work, grad school, staying in the same geographical region, moving far away, what's going to happen to you after May?
Also, really consider getting to know the cute kid. Your pretty wise and mature for your age, there is a possibility that this kid could really use your friendship. Just remember, you can't help but help yourself when helping others. Besides, it could be fun to learn about him even if it turns out to be nothing there, one of life's little journeys or detours.
Go say "Hi." You may regret it after you graduate. I do. Turns out one of my roommates is Bi, and I never know. He never brought it up b/c he was afraid of what others would think. I never brought up being gay for the same reason.
If only we'd talked more often...
Just remember, not all Christians are like you described above. Even some of the ones that disagree with homosexual practice would not want to send you to gay camp.
It's okay though, I understand your frustrations. I'm glad you're able to get them out here and get support from us. :]
like gay people, you also get quite a variety in Christians.
go talk to the cutie. even a hi might just make his day :)
I agree with the people who say that you should probably say hello to the cute student, and with the ones who say that there are Christians, myself included, who would not reject you because of your orientation, or even if you engaged in conduct we consider wrong.
I hope you won't throw the faith out with the bathwater.
you gotta get out of this place
if its the last thing you ever do
Big city. On the coast. Way to go.
jordon
it is tough living underground and i wish you luck in finding a new place to spread you wings. Faith can be wonderful it is churches that scare me
take care and be safe
bob
mmmm =(
sounds rly tite in america with the anti-gay situations..
our school censors things (youtube.. etc) but we dont go that far to restrict diversity (blockin gay-friendly sites).
Schools are like that - they like to control (monitor).
hmm, btw, i know a couple of chrisitan friends and they are quite comfortable with me being gay etc. I guess it depends on the way they r taught/brought up. ~keep an open mind~ is the best way.
all i can say is that you hve to see the future as bein beta than this and u'll find ur way.
I can not imagine what it is like to live in that kind of environment today - maybe in East Germany over 20 years ago it would have made sense, but not today ... but I am a European.
On the subject of Internet sites being blocked, and noticing the ones you visit get blocked soon after, I would suggest you check that you haven't signed some agreement over 'acceptable use' with your college - I would hate for you to get into trouble or even suspended over such a thing. As you say, the Interent is everywhere - so maybe you will have to find another route to stay online with the networking sites.
People of faith are not really the issue, IMHO - it tends to be the people who hijack faith to further their own ends, such as exercising power over others. It is always messy, whatever the faith.
Until you manage to find a safe space to be yourself, just watch your back.
G =]
Post a Comment