Bad News

Had a phone convo with my pa for the first time since he found out...

It was rough. He said some things which where extremely hurtful. I know he didn't know how much he was hurting me, but it doesn't change the fact that he hurt me a lot.

Tonight I cried harder than I ever have in my life.

My dad says he'll love me no matter what... but after that conversation I sure didn't feel loved.

I came out to the rents for emotional and social support, not for moral counseling. It seems my pa is interested only in the latter.

He holds onto his universals so firmly that he can't take the time to see the particular.

Morality takes priority over suffering, law over experience

I'm expected to abstain and conform to a prescribe mode of being

The truth of it tho is that even in my abstinence i have chosen against the way of abstinence
Because of my beliefs, because of my feelings, because of my needs, because of experience, and ultimately out of grace.

I have to live my life, my father does not.

It is mine to loose or to gain.
And i cannot go on suffering like this, or i will end up dead
So i must strive to live out my choice

If my fathers beliefs are forced upon me they will loose me, and I could loose myself.

So i must be my own master, i must take the reins.

I must move to higher grounds where people will celebrate my sexuality and encourage me to live a full, happy, and fulfilling life.

Jordan


ps sorry for how abstract and disorganized this post is. I'm incredibly exhausted from this stresss and it's the best i could do at this moment. I'll post something more satisfactory latter.... just yea i'm really struggling right now

letter from mom

After I told my mom I felt really sick: my knees were weak, I felt dizzy, had a huge headache, and wanted to vomit.

I think it was simply from the adrenaline rush telling her gave me.
It was also because my coming out to her tonight was as big as a surprise to her as it was to me. That's right, when I woke up this morning I had no intention of coming out to anyone... and tonight my parents know.

I know she reacted well but still... huge shock even to me.



I was really shaken up earlier tonight so I called my old roomie Jeff and told him what happened and that I needed to hang out. So we went to a late night dinner and talked. It was good.

Among other things we talked about me coming out to Aaron, he said that he thinks Aaron wouldn't care at all and that he would still be my friend. I also told him about my crush on Aaron and he was pretty cool about it. He suggested that I just don't tell Aaron that right away. So yeah, Aaron's next on my coming out hit list.... it's like I'm building momentum

oh and as a side note i came out to one of the people that works in student life today as well.....

I don't know what got into me, but this long feeling like shit, eventually I had to just be like "fuck it all I gotta be honest"

so yea that's where I'm at

still gotta talk to pa, little nervous, but not as bad as I was before....

oh and here's the letter my mom wrote me after she told my dad

_________________________________________________


Dear Jordan, I told dad....and we both want you to know that we love you and always will. Eventually, when you're ready, dad would like to speak with you in person. At this point, we are not planning personally on telling anyone, even ______ [aunt] and ______ [uncle]. It will happen with time, but it's not really up to us to decide when or how at this point. I'm glad that you told me, really, and I hope that you can start feeling some relief from the mental angst that this has obviously been causing you these last few year. I guess I don't really know what you might be thinking about right now, but please don't see your last four years as a mistake. You have learned, you have grown, through the hardship, and through the pain. I guess I don't know what else to say.....except that I love you. You are still, and always will be, my precious son.

MOM

_______________________________


gotta love moms,

Much love

Jordo

Coming Out After Shock

So....

I came out to my mom.
Like 10 minutes ago

I'm in a state of shock right now

Can't really think straight

It went well

She said she loves me no matter what
and that she just wants me to be happy again

I told her (on the phone) because she was trying to figure out why I am so depressed

I told her i couldn't tell her why i was depressed, and that coming to my uni was the worst decision ever. She cried

then we hung up


then i called her back
and asked her if she would love me no matter what. She said yes.

and told her

So we'll see how my dad takes the news.

I'm scared and in a state of shock right now.

I may be terrified right now, but things may get better.
I guess if you pray, pray that my dad takes the news well... or if you meditate or whatever else people can do...

but seriously..
I am scared shitless and elated at the same time

I'll put up a better post about this whole thing latter


Jordo