As of late things have been hard on me. Even before coming out to my mother I was a wreck. Couldn't focus, having head aches a lot, feeling sick, random fits of anger...
I think I'm suffering from chronic depression and anxiety... and I have a really hard time saying that. I feel weak and stupid, like once people know i'm hurting they'll reject me cause i'm too much of a burden... I have a problem being vulnerable, here and in real life. I want to have everything together, be the perfect athlete, scholar, friend, ect.
But lately I feel as though everything has fallen apart. For four years I've carried in my heart the secret of my sexuality and harbored there all the feelings of rejection and isolation that a homophobic society wishes to instill in me.
Every morning i wake up anxious, sometimes i don't even know why. I can't focus and my brain feels like its turned to jelly.
I think it's all cause of the stresses associated with being closeted person. Being closeted is a chronic stress which, as any chronic stress does, slowly eats away at you from the inside. I feel my state is continually getting worse.
Most people can't tell that things are wrong with me, cuz i'm really good at hiding it. I don't show emotion all that easily, which sucks cause i feel it easier than anyone i know.
idk where i'm going with all of this... it's a very disorganized post so sorry for that... i barely make sense...
All I know is it feels like i'm grieving... grieving for the potential loss of friends, grieving for my mental state, grieving cuz i fell apart academically, grieving cuz i feel like a total failure, grieving for the life I could have had if things had played out different, grieving for Aaron.....
anyways, onto the specifics in my life...
I moved out of my campus housing yesterday and am now living at home. the moving process sucked, but it's done
I have had to take incompletes in two of my classes because i fell apart at the end of school. I have until next fall to finish a couple of papers... which won't be that bad. In addition to that i'm supposed to turn in a paper tomorrow, but i can't think right now. I've been trying to work on it and my mind will just wonder off, or i'll start getting anxious again. I feel pretty sick and i just can't focus....
we ate dinner as a family tongiht. I just sat there silent the whole time. i couldn't talk i've been too stressed. Thoughts kept circling in my head and the impending thought that this paper is due tomorrow was haunting me. On top of that I kept on thinking about my friends...
Anyways my mom talked to me afterwards. she wants me to go see a pyschiatrist to get some meds to help me out for the time being... she's right it'd prbly be better for me... she's a psych teacher. she's awesome tho and just hugged me and loved me. She doesn't understand everything i'm going through but she's here for me.
anyways... Last night aaron, i and some friends went to see star trek. It was dec. but afterwards I just felt like shit cuz I feel like Aaron's been treating me like shit lately. he's been snappy and doesn't really talk to me that much... and it hurts me. after the movie was over i really wanted to hug him goodbye cuz he is leaving for home for a couple days, but we didn't hug he just high fived me... what is that? fucking middle school?
In general I don't feel like any of my friends appreciate me that much. I'm the kind of person that needs a lot of encouragement in order to function. I need people telling me i'm worthwhile otherwise i feel like shit. even if i do well at school, or sports, or whatev i feel like shit about it until someone affirms me... and lately i've been deprived of much affirmation... People also pick on me sometimes... I'm kinda slow and disorganized .... actually quite so ... and sometimes people give me shit about it, most of the time it doesn't bother me, but lately it has been. Especially when aaron does it.
Also, yesterday after star trek one of my friends said i was like spock... i don't express emotion... ouch
I try to be emotional and have fun and stuff.... but it's been hard lately cuz i've been thinking about so much, and i can't talk to everybody about coming out to my parents and shit.... so i spose they're right... I do feel very bottled up, like i have a lot of things to say and no one is listening...
I don't know where this post was going... i forgot.
but yea I'm struggling right now and I don't know what to do.
I feel like I've watched everything fall to pieces. My life feels like it's crumbling, and i don't know what to do.
If life were a video game i'd hit the reset button and everything would be alright, but it isn't... it just keeps going.
I need a break, and i need a person or people to live life with me who will take care of me and help me take care of myself.
Alright this is an end to a long and disorganized post
Jordo
Core memory unlocked!
5 years ago
10 comments:
*doesn't reject you*
I think as you come out you will find it much easier to express emotion. Just a thought from my personal experience.
Hang in there...you can do it...
I'm glad your mom see what's going on with you & is there for you. I so totally get where you're coming from. Is there anybody out here in blog land that you trust? Someone you feel you can confide in even more than you do with your blog? I know that having someone you can trust is often a great way of getting things off your chest. Just saying, if you can find anyone to talk to you may find it helps loads. I'm certain someone or many of us really; care about you. Just don't allow yourself to get so down without reaching out to someone for a hand okay? I mean hell if nothing else e-mail me, I'll listen. K, not sure if that helps, but you are not alone.
i know how you feel. i have been struggling with depression since i was 12 or so. i need to get help, but can't. if i am diagnosed with depression, i will lose my medical certificate and then my job. my life will be pointless, even more so than it already is. i have no one but myself to work through this shit. i guess i am the same way...i feel emotion very easy, but dare not show it. i don't even know where i'm going with this. i'm here for you man.
Go see the psychiatrist, ask about being evaluated for ADD, depression, and anxiety.
If you could characterize yourself as slow and disorganized for most of your life, then you should consider that you probably have a mild case of ADD. I say mild because you have completed the vast majority of an undergraduate degree with good grades.
People with ADD have higher rates (comorbities) of anxiety and depression, than the general population.
I know your feeling down right now, but try not to take your friends' teasing personally. They are some college-age straight guys, so just understand they are not going to provide you much emotional support in a compassionate way. They are probably not capable of it, and probably have no idea of what you are going through.
So what to do? First, make arrangements to see the doc. You should also consider therapy, even if you do it for just a few months, it won't hurt, and will likely help. At the same time, work on your papers in small manageable increments, even if you don't feel like it. Also, keep up your physical fitness, exercise has been shown to be as effective as medication in some patients.
After a month or two, medication can really change your outlook. Then consider getting a job of some kind, even a low stress "get well" job would be good. Don't forget your young and there is lots of hope and opportunity in your future, even if you can't see that right now.
Jordan
Love you, you probably havent heard that enough lately from others. First get some help man what you are trying to do is incredibly hard. Believe me you are so much better for coming out then ending up like me. You dont want to get to my point in life because there is hardly a reason to wake up some days but you are young and have so much ahead of you. Dont worry about school you will finsh the papers.
If yu are feeling as bad as you do for a while i am sure friends and aaron have noticed, this maybe what you are feeling from them and they might not know what to do. call aaron befoe he goes if you can tell things are bothering you and see where it goes. You dont have to come out but ther is nothing wrong with letting people know you are hurtiing
take care and be safe
bob
tommy and bob make sense.
You've had a rough four years and you've tried to cope with it all, so don't be too hard on yourself. But it's not a good idea to try to handle this on your own any more, IMO; and seeing a psychiatrist for meds and a psychotherapist to talk this out will probably help a lot.
You will continue to meet new people. Some may become your friends. You may be comfortable coming out to some of them.
But at least the four years of closeted terror in college are over. Even if you stay in the closet to most people, there won't be the prospect of absolute disaster if anybody finds out.
So look forward to better days, and get the help you need to deal with problems that are too big for you to handle alone.
*hugs*
hate reading these sorta blogs in fact I hate hearing about tales of woe cos I'm so far away and cant do anything about it :(
have a big *hug*
hope it helps
dont give in
you know you can do it :)
best of luck
Cian
You can look at being 'closeted', which sounds to be very restrictive and claustrophobic, or look at it as being 'private', which can be quite liberating, as it then becomes your choice who you share with, and who you keep at arms length.
It's just a matter of perspective, and far more than simple word-play.
Never, never, never give up.
[hugz]
G =]
Reading this post was tough :(. I'm not sure I have any great advice, but at the least I can offer that I'm really rooting for you. I think despite the overwhelming feelings and difficult circumstances you're dealing with, through your blog you've shown that you're a smart, articulate guy with a lot of guts. Hopefully that doesn't come off as glib (thank you Tom Cruise for putting that word into my vocabulary) because I really mean it. You've got what it takes to pull out of this funk.
(sorry for delayed comment)
I go through most of what you mention on a daily basis, and have been dealing with all of it for years. If you ever need to talk things out, I'm there to lend an ear. Anxiety, depression, self-esteem, social issues, academic issues, I understand and have "been there done that" so maybe can offer some pointers on (at least) what NOT to do.
I will also agree on medication and counseling. Seeing a good psychiatrist to get some meds, even for the short term, will help you deal with things a little more easily. Seeing a therapist will help you deal with them without feeling alone and helpless.
Above all, hang in there and don't get discouraged when everything seems to crash on you at once. You'll get through it.
*hugs*
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