Despite all my efforts I still deeply love Aaron. I suppose I wasn't really making an effort to extinguish my love for him, I was just kind of hoping my love of him would die out slowly. Contrary to my wishes my love of him burns as bright as ever.
Tonight we hung out, went out to eat, then went back to his place and were watching a movie. It was just me and him on the ground in front of the tv. After the movie we both laid there for a while talking a little. There was a little teasing and touching I suppose, but nothing worth mentioning. Anyways, I just can't tell if he has feelings for me, but I really have feelings for him. I really care for him. And i really wanted to like reach out to him and cuddle for real tonight. I didn't tho, i was too scared. I'm kind of a chicken because i freeze up when he touches me. I dunno
I just can't make sense of it all, all I know is that i love him.
It sucks too cuz i don't just love him in a 'let's have sex' way. I want to be there for him, I want to be with him, hear his pains, and really care for him. But right now he has a gf and is so freaking flaky at times. I don't know what to do.
i'm lonely right now
I really wish i were still with him cuddling. But i'm back at my place all alone and I can't sleep.
i know I'm whiny, but oh well, I really wish I had some physical loving in my life, some romantic appreciation....
Anyways, I'm in love with Aaron, and I will probably always love him... I love him to the point it hurts, and that is hard...
I wonder if he'll ever know how much I care about him.
whatevs, he'd prbly be creeped out if he knew how i really felt about him...
oh well
Night
Jordo
Core memory unlocked!
5 years ago
8 comments:
Yr last post was 'in yr dreams' - well, here's what'd happen in MY dreams:
U get swept off yr feet by a gorgeous, lovin, gentle, raunchy (you name it!) guy who takes 99% of yr thoughts and feelings, night & day, n satisfies everything you want.
That way U cld prhps get A into perspective and stop pining 4 a guy you've already (apparently) decided U can't have.
Why did U decide that, by the way?
Feelings like these don't necessarily completely go away. I still have feelings to a degree for some of the guys I crushed on in my youth. On the other hand, they also become manageable, thankfully.
wish I could offer some insight but if you read my blog you can tell I still pine for some of the crushes of my youth
Finally someone who's intimacy retarded like I am. I'm horrible when it comes to touching.
I've seen this situation before and the only thing I say in advice is to sit down and talk to him. That's the only way you'll be able to get at the answer. Admittedly the scariest way as well but if it helps you out then do it.
I think you are right in thinking that you will always have feelings for Aaron.
I'm not sure what will happen if you manage to stay in close touch, because that has not happened with any of the people I was most deeply in love with. But over the years, my romantic feelings have transformed into non-sexual affection. If they were around, I could be good friends with them, but I don't pine for them. Maybe if you and Aaron stay in touch the same sort of think can happen for you, and you can have a great friendship.
As for his feelings toward you, it seems to me that you would probably do well to let experience tell you as you go along, rather than trying to get him to put it into words. Let the relationship develop (or not) at its own pace. And enjoy his presence.
Are you still thinking of living with him next year? If so, why not come out to him sometime soon?
If he knows your gay, he might feel safer about initiating experimentation. In other words, you might get a better idea of his true feelings without declaring your eternal love for him.
There's nothing wrong with being in Love......people do it all the time and as often as not the loved object doesn't know what's going on. It sounds like he's your "first" real love so the desire would burn strongly.
I was going to write the same as Tommy already put - so here's two of us!
G =]
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