Whatever Gets You Through the Night

Last night was rough. Everything I had been dealing with finally caught up to me and I had a crisis. Anxiety, headaches, stomach sickness; my body and mind were taking the toll for the turmoil in my life.

This sudden onset may have been due to the fact that I had a paper due this morning which I need to complete in order to graduate. The paper was originally due several weeks ago, but with coming out to my parents, Aaron, ect. I was too emotionally distracted to invest any energy in completing the paper. My teachers had noticed a decline in my academic performance and were very concerned, so they gave me an extension due to extenuating circumstances (note to you younger guys get to know your profs in college, they'll save your ass when you need them). Anyways, I really needed to have this paper in by today or I'd fail.

Last night I was freaking out because I was so tired and depressed and didn't think i had the energy to complete the paper.

But... I pulled through
That bitch is done... stick a fucking fork in it!

how'd I do it? Honestly I am not completely sure.

Although, it may have something to do with the nicotine and alcohol....

So basically I was freaking out and I remembered talking to my mom earlier that night. I asked her what anti-anxiety meds do to your neuro transmitters. She said they emit a blocker (gabba i think???) which blocks your other neurotransmitters and effectively deadens your nervous system. Half in jest and half serious I asked he why I shouldn't just drink booze. She said it's effects are to acute and not sustained enough... for normal life...

I also remembered that stimulants tend to help those with attention defecit disorders...

So i went to the gas station at about midnight

two cigars and a few shots latter my paper was done...
wtf happened... I don't know.

Part of it too was I realized that I HAD to get this bitch done. I kicked it into gear. Got some booze and tabacy to calm me down and just did it. I may or may not have taken a porn break. I did fall asleep at seven in the morning, but i woke up in time to put on the finishing touches.

I'm proud of myself and I feel sooo good now that it's done.

In fact I'm like a thousand times better than I was last night.

I checked my grade on the paper just now I got an A... suck it


At about three last night i hit a writers block so I took a break to go smoke and drink. I climbed out the window onto the roof with a half full glass of rum and a cigar. It was possibly the most beautiful night I've been witness to in a while. There was practically no wind, the city was silent, the sky was jet black, and the stars shone bright, even for being so close to the city. 100 proof Captain Morgan with a cigar is quite bitter at first, but my mouth was quickly numbed. The plumes of smoke circulated around me as I slowly finsihed the cigar. It was so calm a night I was blowing smoke rings (something which I forgot I could do).

As I was laying on the roof facing the heavens I had the thought that perhaps things would turn out alright. If you look into the stars long enough you can get lost. You forget yourself, where you are, all your pains, and even to a degree your hopes. You see that the universe keeps going on with or without you and that things will be beautiful even if you fail and even if you succeed. Perhaps I was experiencing God's grace or maybe it was me taking a step closer to nirvana... then again it could just be the booze. Regardless of the cause of my new found state of bliss and release I felt assured that things would work themselves out, and that if I did my best and stay true to myself things will come together.

I'm still feeling better. Now with that paper done I can do away with performance anxiety and focus more on personal issues. I can also start working out regularly again... which will greatly help my mood out.

I am still gonna go to a pyschiatrist and get evaluated for ADD, depression and anxiety. I think drugs may be able to help stabilize my mood, and if nothing else hopefully they could get me some meds for my ADD.

So yea, I'm feeling better and a little excited about the future.

random career thought: I'm gonna go apply for a job at a small guitar shop downtown for next year... That'd be awesome because I really love guitar. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but i'm pretty good at guitar. Tonight my sister, who is very musical, said that I'm the best guitar player she's heard in person... and now that i think about it I have run personally across maybe one or two people who were on my level or better. So I might have a dec shot at getting a job there.

Thanks so much for all your comments, concern, and words of wisdom. It's good hearing your thoughts and knowing that people out there care.

Alright I'm gonna go to bed,

Much love and keep it real,

Jordo