Well, it’s been a while since my last post, almost a week. Considering that I’m done with major course work one might think that I would have all the time and energy in the world to sit down and write about my life—quite the opposite has happened. It’s not that I haven’t had time and energy; it’s simply that I didn’t have any words to say. That’s mostly due to the fact that this week has been about recovery for me. The good news is that I’m starting to recover; I’m happy, I feel in good almost great shape, I’ve been spending time outside and cycling frequently, and I’m starting to hope in the future again.
Considering my absence I feel I have some things I need to catch you, my awesome reader up on. Where to start….. all right I’ll jump right in with the most urgent of all my present concerns:
--As of lately I have been extremely horny. I want some action and I want it now. Maybe it’s because I’ve never been kissed, perhaps it’s the summer air, and maybe it’s my newfound freedom from that damned school I attended, but I’ve been on fire lately. I’m tempted to just drive down to some bar and get picked up for a one night stand (even though that is something I will definitely not do—although maybe I should). As evidence of my horniness, I wanked 4 times yesterday, and twice today… I think I jacked it 6 times in 36 hours… that’s once every 6 hours… wtf? Am I going through puberty again.
Alright onto the next thingy
--Aaron was away for a week and got back in town yesterday and we hung out some today.
He’s beautiful, absolutely beautiful. Due to my present horniness I’d say I was on the edge of just grabbing him and just full out putting my toungue down his throat… or putting something else down it… jk …. kinda… not really (dirty thoughts…)
But yea I’m really conflicted about what to do about that stud I happen to have fallen for.
I’m gonna do a post about him asking for your advice about what to do… it will be titled what to do about aaron, so stay tuned.
But yea I’ve decided that my next step in my coming out process is to come out to aaron. I just don’t know how to do it. Do I try to get drunk with him and then let sexual stuff ‘happen’? Do I come out to him cold turkey? Do I let him ‘accidently’ find gay porn on my computer? I really don’t know. Part of the issue is that I still am not sure he’s straight. The other part of the issue is that I’m worried I will loose him as a friend.
All my dramatic coming out thoughts concerned, I’ve been less down thinking about Aaron lately because I realize that Aaron, the good friend and awesome dude he is, is only one fish in the sea. There are many other guys out there who I have the potential of having a relationship with—guys who I actually know are gay. In some ways it’d be sad if I have to move on, but in other ways it’s refreshing. It let’s me know that I’m not bound to a particular person or a particular fate. I am free. I can move on, forgive, forget, and see the beauty in another person in the same way I see Aaron.
I’ll post about this latter (oh and this future post will have some juicy stories in it)
Aight, my next thingy:
--I’ve been frequenting a gay dating site and have been getting positive responses from some people. It feels good. Generally I have low self-esteem about my appearance (among other things), so it’s been nice to receive some attention. *On an interesting note I was talking with James from Just Me and he said that perhaps my low self-esteem regarding my looks is due to the fact that I haven’t been complimented by a guy who I like regarding my looks, so I haven’t believed that any male would find me attractive. This seems to make sense because I have been complimented by girls, but for some reason their accolades do little to change my self image.*
But yea… this site is cool… and it kinda ties into my earlier post about being horny… I really really really want to kiss some one. Lame, I know, I’m still a virgin… in every conceivable way… but I want to be physically intimate with someone. I feel it’d be good for my heart and soul. To be held, to affirm another, to be affirmed, and to, well, kiss… that’d be awesome. Problem is I need someone else to do this with. Aaron’s not doing the job… so…. Hopefully I find someone to um… kiss??? Haha idk…
Next:
--Relations with parents are doing well. They still love me. They appreciate me as a person and everything I bring to my family. Due to this I feel welcomed at home, perhaps more than I ever have.
Problem: I have yet to discuss my homosexuality with my dad since our shitstorm of a conversation.
Problem 2: I haven’t talked to my mom about I that much
Problem 3: I don’t know if my mom believes I’m gay… apparently I’m too masculine or something. Maybe if I start wearing mascara and high heels she’ll get the picture?
Problem 4: My siblings are in the dark regarding my orientation… and when they find out the shit will hit the fan
Problem 5: Is my brother gay?
Alright problem 5 deserves discussion:
Ok I have no solid reason to think my brother’s gay. My brother is entering HS next year, and is a chill dude—different than me in some ways, but very similar in others. I think we’re both the kind of people who have a very deep capacity for empathy, feelings, and thought, but we like to hide it. We censor our actual thoughts and bottle up our feelings. We do this not because we think our feelings or thoughts are wrong, but because we know many people our age and maturity level wouldn’t have the depth to understand us. I see this trait in my little bro…
Anyways, him and his friends were talking tonight… I heard one say, ‘_________ didn’t you say you have a gay cuz?’ my bro replies, ‘yea…’ He looks at me as to ask if my cuz is gay. I nod my head. Then his friends begin talking about gayness, albeit in a very junior high manner, but their words were potentially cutting. ‘that’s weird,’ ‘who would do that,’ ‘so and so is gay I saw him kissing a dude [meant as an insult]’ now all throughout this little discursion my bro didn’t say shit. Hmmm… now when I was his age I wasn’t thinking about homosexualit… however, it’s not an uncommon age to come to some sort of sexual epiphany. Then the thought struck me that perhaps he could be gay… what if he is? He’s probably freaking out right now… way worse than I am.
I know that there is a potential genetic componenet to sexuality, perhaps he picked it up to? There’s also something about birth order too, the more older brothers u have the more likely u are to be gay… which would mean he’s more likely to be gay. I’m pretty gay (as in I’m severely and exclusively attracted to males), so that can’t be in my bro’s favor as far as being a het goes…
So if he is gay, my coming out to him would be a huge ass relief… just a thought. He wouldn’t have to go through half the shit I went through (tho he would still have to deal with a lot).
Idk just a thought… It would be kinda funny too if 3 out of the four males who were grandchildren of my dad’s dad ended up being gay… and who knows the other male is still young, what if it were all four!!! That’d be redic…haha
Ne ways,
I’m doing better and I’m gonna go to bed
Expect to hear from me in the short future.
Oh and btw u gays rock!!!
Peace
Jordy
Core memory unlocked!
5 years ago
10 comments:
Great it's going better.
I've increased my workout lately and can also attest an increased horniness.
Funny thing, since summer started.
All I've done is wank, gym, sleep, repeat. Several times on the wanking part =). I also started cyclying as part of my regimen, I'm determined to just cycle to the gym, which is so much better.
Side note, two days ago, I cycled all over my town which is a college town so it looks nice, I estimate about 15 miles in four hours.
crazy,
FMS
Jordan, you are right about the birth order effect discovered by Ray Blanchard. You should read some of Blanchard’s work, he has researched pedophilia, gender dysphoria, and autoerotic asphyxia, very interesting stuff.
The fraternal birth order effect claims to explain about 15% of homosexual men. No correlation for lesbians. Every older brother a man has is said to increase the odds that the younger brother is gay by more than 30% if I remember correctly. However, I am skeptical about this because I know numerous straight guys that have two or more older brothers and they did not turn out to be gay. I would like to see larger sample sizes in the studies before I swallow the argument whole heartedly. Also, think about the difficulty in conducting such a study, how many younger brothers are out of the closet? Imagine if they conducted such a study in Mormon communities, could you find younger brothers that would admit to being gay for survey purposes? Not to mention being gay is not a black and white issue for many people. So, I really don’t put much stock on such studies.
Regarding Aaron, well let me first say that I reserve the right to change my mind based upon what you say about him in your next post, looking forward to it. But, if you really value him as a friend it is probably not a good idea to get drunk and put the moves on him, that could backfire in a big way, even if he has gay feelings, he may not be ready to act on them. However, having a few drinks (not drunk) to lower both of your inhibitions, and then sit him down and just talk it out might work. The best advice I can give is to not show all your cards at once. Come out to him, but don’t confess to being in love with him at the same time, it could be to overwhelming for him. Plus, you need some time to gauge his reaction and reflect before revealing more than the fact you are gay. Also, why not come out to your siblings unless it will aggravate your parents in particular your dad. I realize you kinda got to keep the peace while your living at home and eating their food. Its possible that your mom is in denial, but since she is a psych teacher I doubt it, she probably knows a thing or two about sexual orientation. But that doesn’t mean she wants to hear about or discuss how you want to have sex with a boy anymore than you want to hear about her sex life with your dad, the poolboy, the tennis coach, or Mrs. Robinson across the street, just kidding, but you see my point. You two may never go dildo shopping together, sorry.
Last but not least, I am glad you are snapping out of your depression, that’s a good sign. If your still thinking about grad school, I strongly recommend doing some research and putting together a rigorous reading list, especially if you have a mild case of ADD. I promise you with few exceptions that grad school will be a lot tougher than undergrad, the professors like to punish grad students with data dumps as a rite of passage. If you spend this next year reading the right material for a few hours each day, it will help you maintain some mental discipline and significantly lower your stress in grad school, which could be worse than the stress you went through in your final semester of undergrad. What subject would you study in grad school?
The older brothers gay thing actually pertains to number of prior male PREGNANCIES.
And most research has controls for Mormon people, reluctance to admit being gay, etc.
Just the lil bros reaction of being quiet in that convo says a lot. I know 9th graders. Sound slike a deer in the headlights moment.
You could just say to him, "You know, lil bro, being gay is not bad. I have gay friends and they r nice people. Your friends have a lot of stereotypes. Often boys your age worry about sexuality and especially want to be sure EVERYONE knows they are NOT gay. So they say a lotta stupid shit and bash gay people. Not very Christian of them IMHO!" If he is gay or wondering, just knowing u r ok w/ gay will help. And I say your gaydar for him might be reliable.
I like the 2 beers and a chat w/ Aaron suggested above.
OK... hang in there. BUt you still need to adress ADD w/ an MD. ADD and PhD do not mix well.
steevo in cali
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Yes, you definitely need to hear from a GUY that you are attractive and worthy of being adored. I would hope that would make a big difference if anything will.
As for your mom and dad, my parents are the same. Talk about it and bring it up as necessary, but don't force them to discuss things with you. My parents are okay with my being gay for the most part, but they arent' ready to have lengthy discussions about it.
And about your lil bro...o.O I think Steevo's right, just make sure that he knows that you're okay with being gay. You don't have to full on come out to him.
Steevo and James said what I wanted to about your bro. So let me just reinforce it. You don't have to come out to him. Just saying that the guys should not have been saying bad things about being gay should reassure him. Point out that your gay cousin is okay. Maybe it wasn't himself but your cousin that he was thinking about. But in any case, reassurance from you that being gay is okay should be enough for now.
nice to see your doing better :)
Steevo,
In the studies mentioned they don’t really count the absolute number of male pregnancies, because you cannot do it accurately. About 50% of any given woman’s pregnancies fail to implant into the wall of the uterus and simply pass out of the body with the urine stream. So that means that on average if a woman has 4 children over her reproductive life, then she has been pregnant 8 times. In many cases the woman never knew she was pregnant because the embryo passes with the urine and menstrual cycle continues uninterrupted. Another complication is first trimester miscarriages or abortions, where the sex of the fetus is often unknown.
Controlling samples for Mormons or any other group is controversial because it potentially obscures the truth. The same criticism has been applied to studies where the subjects volunteer to participate. It all interferes with random sampling.
Hey, Just got caught up.
Re: compliments from guys: Yep, it's a different sensation when a gay guy tells you you're attractive. I've had people compliment me randomly throughout life, but when I was hit on a week or two ago) was a real ego boost. ;-)
Re: the parents: Cool. Mine are slowly coming around. I got the "I want you to be happy" line from my dad before I left this weekend.
Re: your brother: I actually came out to my brother first, to confirm that he was, in fact, straight (he's been dating the same girl for years), and also let him know that ALL of the "WE MUST HAVE GRANDKIDS" pressure will now be on him. I actually was mildly concerned, because I was clicking around his PC to clean up some spyware, and found that we have some of the same sexual interests (though mine obviously involves guys and his girls). I swear that I found stuff involving guys years ago, though...
Will I must say ditto to Tommy's comments.
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