My sleep schedule is F***ed up beyond repair.
It's 4 in the morning and I can't sleep... I'm too anxious, and I've got way too much going on in my head right now... I don't want to talk about it all right now, but I feel like writing something to help my mind calm down.
I figured I'd writes some shit about myself... perhaps let you know me a little better. so here is a list--of no particular number or order--which lets you know a little about me.
1. I am the oldest of three
2. Only one person has ever asked me directly and seriously if I am gay, and I didn't lie to them.
3. 9 people in the world know I'm gay, but only one of those people I see on a regular basis
4. I wish I would have never have come to this university
5. I am quite proficient at playing the guitar.
6. I write my own music and lyrics and can sit down and freestyle for hours
7. Freshman year of college I became really introverted and played guitar in my room by myself for at least 2 hours a day (hence me becoming good at guitar).
8. growing up i wasn't that athletic, so i still conceive of myself as unathletic.
9. In eighth grade i weighed 160 pounds, by the end of ninth grade I weighed 105 pounds. I lost all that weight due to the fact that i started playing sports seriously (I lost all fat weight)
10. By the end of my senior year in HS i weighed 185 pounds
11. Now i weigh 205 pounds
12. once during HS i was told by the doctor i had an unhealthily low amount of body fat. In fact my parents thought i was anorexic. I wasn't, I was just working out a lot due to sports.
13. I was a really late bloomer... I don't think I had my biggest growth spurt until the summer before senior year, and even then i wasn't done growing.
14. Despite being relatively tall, I don't think of myself that way because I grew up shorter than every one else.
15. Once during HS I was wearing this nice new shirt which was stylish and perhaps even flamboyant. I liked the shirt a lot. In fact i had been wearing several new shirts to school around that time. One of my good HS friends was talking to me and made the following comment regarding my shirts, "man either jordo's got all kinds of new shirts coming out of his closet or he's coming out himself" After that somewhat lame joke i thought to myself... 'oh shit, I'm gay'
16. despite wearing nice shirts most straight people would not stereotype me as gay... in fact many times i appear more masculine than my straight friends.
17. i'm really gay... Like really really. evidence: when i see a good looking guy walking towards and i'm talking with someone i freeze up and forget whatever I had to say... I'm caught speechless... I don't know how more of my friends haven't figured me out (or called me out)
18. I've never been kissed, but I really really want to be kissed, and more.
19. I'm a romantic at heart but often come off as reserved or unemotional
20. I've been in love twice... both times have been really rough (with guys who consider themselves straight).
21. I have no idea what i want to do with my life.
22. I'm really bitter at Christianity (the social institution) for the harm it's done to my life and countless of other gay persons.
23. I think that if society didn't care if people were gay or not there'd be a lot more gay people out there... and i'd be getting way more action.
24. I think that if i didn't have to deal with the stresses of being in the closet/coming out/being in an oppressive environment I'd be far more motivated and successful in school (i do pretty well already tho...), I'd be far less depressed, i'd be able to sleep at night, and I'd be more functional
25. the thing which i want most in life at this moment is some form of intimacy, preferably romantic. I want to really care for someone and feel that love reciprocated.
26. I've been told I have good thighs, but i think the best part of my body is my torso
27. I find sexy legs really attractive... legs are so much more important for athletics than arms... that's why I like them so much
28. I am really tired and this post is getting to long
29. I am glad I started this blog cuz i've met some awesome people
30. Someday I hope to put all of my baggage behind me and live a peaceful and fruitful life... with a bf, a family, and friends that i love.
Jordo
Core memory unlocked!
5 years ago
10 comments:
thanks for sharing - somebody made a similar comment about a new shirt I wore in high school and it promptly went into the goodwill bin
As for the last bit. You so totally will. I totally understand the loneliness though. Chin up, all will be well in the end.
Psychic hugs to ya
This post has warmth...
Thanks for sharing. Heres hoping all that all you desire will be with you sooner than you think.
Take Care..
S
Jordan, it is going to take some (maybe a lot) of action on your part to build your gay support group: friends, bf, family, more. It will be more difficult to do so if your clinically depressed. Consider getting some help if you need it.
You'll be done with school soon. Once it's done why don't you investigate PFLAG. I agree with Tommy, you need to start working on a support group of friends (gay and gay friendly).
20. Only twice? Well you probably will be several more times. And since we can't really choose who we fall in love with, chances are most of the people you fall in love with will be straight. It's an occupational hazard of being gay. The odds are stacked against us. But if you meet enough people, chances are you'll meet someone who can fill your emotional needs and for whom you can do the same — someone to love.
2. Congratulations on answering honestly. I know if somebody asked me directly, I'd look for a way to evade the question.
Hang in there, Jordo.
*hugs*
Heh. Yeah... congrats on the honest answer re #2. Someone asked me that, i dodged, which is very much an answer. ;-)
She was kind enough to leave it alone though. When I later told her, I got "well duh!" as a response. I love my friends. :-)
I remember the first time I was asked if I was gay but I don't think it was serious. I was 15 and the asker was a friend for whom I had major hots. I lied.
I really don't remember if I was ever asked again. A female friend of mine said one night when I was in the car with her and her bf (for whom I had major hots), "[Mr. HCI] is probably the most heterosexual guy I know." She paused for a moment and said something to the effect that I might be bi. I didn't say anything. She was one of the first people I told, though a bit later.
I was always one of the tallest as a child, but my body apparently decided when I was 15 that that was enough. I'm only two inches taller now than when I was 12.
Sleep schedules are easy to fuck up. Mine is completely fucked right now. I come home from work, have dinner with my husband, watch TV with him and fall asleep on the sofa. Then I wake up a few hours later and am up 'til 2/3/4/5 o'clock in the morning. WTF?
Anyhow . . . hang in there!
hello..
I read the blog.
I was in the same situation back in high school.
I started hanging around with girls more frequently than i did with my guy friends and i felt more comfortable around girls..
When one of my guy friends pointed it out. i stopped hanging with the girls.
i'm a college student now, 19 going on 20. Most my girl and guy friends know about me, and some took it well and some didn't.. I'm a lot happier now that i'm out..
Now i just gotta tell my parents!! YIKES!
probably when i'm done with college and working. ha3
totally agree on the legs thing. its my biggest turn on.
have you ever thought of transferring to another school? email if you ever need someone to talk to man. seriously. feeling lonely sucks
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