Sorry for not posting in a while, but I've been really busy lately. This weekend I had a rugby tourney so i wasn't able to blog.
For those of you who are interested I now have MSN. My username is jordan.outloud@gmail.com [same as my email]
Hit me up if you feel like it.
In some ways this weekend was fun: my team went 3-1, I scored two trys and several conversions, I got to hang out with friends, and got to party a little.
In other ways this weekend was really tough and has worsened my anxieties.
It made me realize/remember several things I'd prefer not to deal with.
1. I am not over Aaron
I hung out with Aaron a lot this weekend, and a lot of other teammates. We had a blast goofing off, talking, and chilling. We just did stupid shit like we always do.
The thing about Aaron, as I have said before, is that I think he is borderline gay (or at least that's how I interpret his actions). He gets really physical at times and cuddles/grabs/plays with me [we never kiss or make out or anything, a lot of it is more like wrestling]. I enjoy the physical affection, but it can be kind of confusing. It makes me feel really intimate with him (emotionally and physical) and often serves to lead me on and make me want something more with him. But I know that friendship is all that he wants with me. So all our play leaves me disappointed and wanting more affection.
Being with him for a good chunk of time reminded me of how much I actually like him. Not just physically but also emotionally. I really like talking to him, caring for him, and living life with him. I will probably always care for him and I don't know why. He will probably always be able to brighten my day with his smile. I don't know why but when he smiles I feel happy too; it's like my brain knows to release endorphins when he is happy.
But, I have already accepted that he is not gay. He has a gf and I wouldn't be surprised if they married. He gets really happy around her [much like I do around him] and they hang out a lot, even this weekend when she wasn't around they talked a lot on the phone. I'm glad that he can find happiness in her, but I am left wanting.
Even though Aaron isn't gay I still highly value his friendship, he means a lot to me. But I feel I can't fully be myself around him, mostly because I'm in the closet.
Which brings me to
2. I am scared of coming out
I really want to come out because I think if I do I'll be less depressed and I'll find more meaning in my friendships.
But being around my friends again reminded me how scared I am to loose them. Aaron said to me in a sort of joking way this weekend that I should be his best man if we're both still around and friends when if he gets married, I said I would. That got me thinking... Would he be my friend if I came out? Would he want me as a best man? What about my other friends? These questions burn in the back of my mind at all times around my friends.
The crappy part of it is that I cannot stay in the closet much longer. I need to get out or I will suffocate. So that means after college I'm gonna have to come out and start living as a gay man, which may mean me having a bf. Can I be friends with Aaron and all my other buds if I come out and have a bf? My relationships with my friends here could be severely temporarily limited. That sucks! I don't want to loose these friends, I love them.
on an unrelated note:
3. I have exceptionally low self-esteem
no matter how good I do at anything I will probably get down on myself. Some people say I am pretty good at certain things (athletics, school, music ect.), and I probably am good at these things, but I don't feel it a lot of the time. As tough and athletic as I may seem I am a sensitive and caring guy who needs a lot of encouragement. If the people around me whom I love don't affirm me I start to feel pretty down about myself, no matter how talented I may be. Like this weekend I played pretty good in our games, but I still felt shitty about my playing because I didn't get enough encouragement from certain people I respect. A normal person would have felt fine about their performance, but I felt pretty shitty. Even in my academics, I'll write pretty decent papers, but if a prof. has one or two things to say against my paper I'll get down (even if I get As).
Maybe I'm a perfectionist or maybe I'm not cut out for a tough, heartless, and 'manly' world which refuses to compliment others and show affection. Either way I feel pretty shitty about myself.
So yeah, all that added together makes for a frustrated and saddened Jordan.
I'm sure I'll get over this rut by tomorrow or the next day, but the underlying problems I won't escape unless I deal with them... And i don't want to deal with them, I just want them to solve themselves.
Deep down I'm hurting from feelings that I am unloved, not good enough, not socially acceptable, different ect. And in order to resolve these problems I feel that i have to take external steps which I do not have the strength to take right now.
maybe there's an easier way??? I dunno. Any advice on how to be a gay person/how to come out/how to love yourself would be appreciated.
Thanks for all of you who have commented on my posts, I am thankful for your advice and sharing.
Jordo
ps sorry for this horribly long and disorganized post
Core memory unlocked!
5 years ago
14 comments:
Good luck blogging! I think I'm going to try to go back and catch up. It looks good so far.
~Matt~
*compliments you, shows affection* Hey, even the manliest of men has feelings and emotions. :]
And I got plenty to say about coming out (in religious environment), but I think it's more appropriate to talk about on IM with you. Just kinda hard to summarize and address everything in a comment.
Jordo
I feel for ya man. It sucks when you don't know what's going to happen outside that closet. I guess you can take some heart from the fact that most of us here who have come out haven't lost too many important friends over it.
Unfortunately, I have no advice. Just support and love and virtual hugs. (*hugs*)
You're a really awesome thinker, and a cool man. I like the way you're clarifying things too, obviously they aren't the nicest things to be making clear, but at least you know what internal and external issues you've got to deal with.
Hope you're feeling better about life soon, we care about ya mate.
~kiwi
Wot a very thinkin piece.
I guess we've all either been there or else are goin thro it with you now. Prhaps U shld read other blogs a bit - I can think of one or two with similar dilemas.
But I'll email, prhps.
Hiya Jordo,
I find myself really sympathizing with you. The way you talk about Aaron is the way i feel about Eric. We are friends, and that is all. But just being near him makes me happy. And seeing his smile warms my heart and gives me hope. *sighs
I am scared to death about losing my friends and most of all my family. As much as i care for the few people who i really consider friends,i need to come out. If i don't, i'm going to burst. Sad as it may be, i need to accept that i might lose some friends. But if they can't accept me as a gay man, then what am i really losing?
Self esteem and self confidence are two things i lack to such a level that its debilitating. I have a lot of skills and positive attributes. But i never feel my best is good enough. I am always picking on something or other that i need to improve. I never got any positive reinforcement as a kid, and that is something i really need. Just to hear someone say i did a good job on this or that means the world to me. I have those same feelings of being unloved, and not good enough. It tears me apart from the core of my being. I just feel woefully inadequate in all i do, even though logically i know that i am a good person, with a lot to offer someone and i have done fairly well for myself.
I don't have any advice unfortunately, as i am kind of stuck right where you are. We should talk on MSN sometime, see if we can't figure this out together.
Much Love,
DW
We can feel down about ourselves even when we seem to be doing great in everything because we still know that a very essential part of who we are is unacceptable to some people. However, those hateful perceptions change nothing about the fact that you are a uniquely gifted human... The way I like to think about it is that those other people haven't evolved enough to fully understand your greatness! :-)
Having said that, I know it's still hard has hell to go on about your business having to hide a major part of you because those around you may think it's not good enough.. not ideal.. not perfect. I too am afraid of loosing my best friend, my pastor, my ministry! Know that I don't throw this statement around very often.. but I will pray for you. that you will be content.. even thrilled.. with who you are.. and that it will only have to be hidden for a short while longer!
Jordo — Your emotional intimacy with Aaron is a great thing to have. Hang on to it.
After reading this post I went back and skimmed the comments on "Meltdown" and I noticed that you said you were out to a couple of former roommates. Are they former roommates at your university? Because if so, that is something that tells you that people there won't necessarily reject you.
*You* have to decide about coming out to Aaron, and I hesitate even to make a tentative hint of a suggestion for fear that it would turn out badly and it would be all my fault. But … I wonder if you could mention it in the context of the talk about being his best man. Something like, "You know, there's something I think you have a right to know if I'm going to be your best man. Have you noticed that I don't have a girlfriend? Well there's a reason. It's that I'm more attracted to guys. I hope you will realize that I'm the same guy I was yesterday, and that you'll still want to be friends with this guy. But I just had to be real with you." No doubt he'd interrupt at some points, but you could manage to get the information in there somehow.
On second thought, maybe the better way is to tell him you have a secret you want to share, and make him promise not to reveal it to anyone else without your permission — but that you want to share it with him because he's your best friend.
Anyway, you're the one who knows him. Coming out to anybody is always a risk, maybe a big one, maybe a small one, and it has to do both with the importance of the person in your and the degree of likelihood that the person will take it badly. So does your need a particular person to tell outweigh the estimated risk? If coming out to Aaron feels too risky, maybe there's another friend whom you can trust with your secret, and t will be good to share it with.
Not much help, but I hope it clarifies it a bit.
As for the low self-esteem, can you figure out how it started, what some of the factors were? Can you learn to recognize when the program start running in your mind that tells you you're not good enough, not loved, not acceptable? And the instant you realize that the program is running, switch it off by reminding yourself that it is nonsense. Basically what you need to do is when these thoughts come, remind yourself forcefully that they are just not true. At some point, therapy might help you do that.
*hugs*
Therapy! Yes! But with a good therapist. The best way to find one is to go shopping. It takes a while to "bond" with a therapist, so don't run away because it was not perfect the first session. A good therapist will not solve your problems by giving you answers. He will help you find the answers inside yourself. They are there, but perhaps covered with many layers of shit. He can help you scoop away the shit. It will likely be smelly. If you are near a major or big city there is a therapist for you. A good one is a coach really. Does your doctor know you are gay? Or can you tell him and ask for a therapist's name? That's not a bad place to start. If you had a broken arm you would see a professional to get it fixed. Part of you is broken, you say so yourself but not in those words. Therapists know how to help you get comfortable when you start. Having one person whom you can trust and tell anything and everything to is very empowering. Especially when they don't jump up and run out of the room yelling and screaming, "Oh my god! Another damn queer!" It is very rare for a true friend to get mean and nasty when you come out. They may be shocked, surprised, not know what to say, not believe you, argue with you that you are not gay. This is very predictable. If they are disgusted and repulsed they may just fade away and drop contact with you without saying much. They may need some time to adjust to this new part of you. IF you get a ranting crazy person reaction... hold up your hand in the "stop" gesture. Insist that they shut up for a minute. Then look them "straight" in the eye and say something like, "I am sorry you feel this way. I have always considered you a close friend. I will NOT stand here and listen to your ignorant reaction. Perhaps someday you will be more tolerant enlightened... and then PERHAPS we MAY be able to rescue this friendship. I'm really disappointed in YOU! [pause] Goodbye!" Then walk away and don't let them see you cry.
That's one way to handle it, much better than breaking down and going all to pieces. You have to keep your power. If they can't handle a gay friend in 2009, the it is THEIR fucking problem. They have a defect in their heart and soul. YOU do not!
All the comments were relevant and in order to be redundant I'll keep my comment short.
Self esteem issues are the easiest to overcome out of all your problems. You honestly have to ignore your lack of confidence. In all honesty why must you put so much stock in what people think? MOST people you run into on a regular basis will only remember you and your faults for a short amount of time... Those who already know you, dont care about your faults and honestly see everything that is good about you. 99% of people are self conscience about something. The faults your worried about are the same exact faults that others worry about, you are not unique in your lack of confidence.
Its like spiders... People are more scared of you than you are of them. Once you realize everyone is super concerned what you think, you'll stop worrying about what they think of you.
Jordan, I just found your blog and I can't wait to go back and read all your old posts. I completely identify with how you feel towards Aaron. Totally been there.
sucks to fall for straight (?) guy.
you've mentioned that you're fine with being gay (great!) but i don't think you should pressure yourself into coming out until you're 100% ready. just my two cents.
ps: we're basically in the same boat. i'm highly attracted (maybe even in love for that matter) to my suitemate, who was my roommate last year. he's also christian but does things even my gay friends don't do.
i was gonna say that we are in the exact same situation, but i guess everyone else already has...
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