up from the grave

...

hi there all

I didn't die nor did I sink into a pit of despair and wallow in it for two months

I had a job that prevented me from communicating from the outside world

Good news is that i'm doing well, much better than before

I've had some time to think about things and I have come to some conclusions

- My random drunken make out session two months ago was not a good decision, here's why: I only made out with him because i wanted to prove it to myself that men found me attractive and would do shit with me. hell, i didn't even find him attractive. I just wanted to show myself that i wasn't a lost cause.... I had very little self esteem at that point in time and was desperately lonely, so I used a random make out sess to try and ease my soul. It definitely didn't work. All it accomplished in me was to create a sense that i would never have the experience of holding someone i actually cared for. Oh and it also made me feel slutty because I essentially paid this guy a make out session in order to get affirmation that i was hot.

Don't worry tho, i'm over feeling like a slut and at the present my self esteem is pretty high.

- Having friends you love and trust is more important than sexual satisfaction.
These last two months i've been working with people who came to be good friends of mine. they were and are people i love in a purely platonic way. It is those friendships which brought me out of my depression not a romance. hell romance often brings depression and mental instability... it should only be attempted if one's surrounded by a good group of friends, or one could loose their marbles.

- Loving others is the most important thing in the world
I'm convinced that a life without love is not worth living (love being used here in a non-sexual way). love brings meaning to life because when we love we live no longer for ourselves, but for others. I have realized that my life can't simply be about me getting what i want and falling in love and living the dream life... why? because that life is selfish, it is concerned only for me and what i can gain. But the question i ought to ask is this, "How can my life be used to benefit others? How can my life be a part of the whole" An egocentric life is devoid of meaning in theory but more importantly in practice. For this last year i have been fairly egocentric and have worried more about myself than anything in this world. I have been so caught up in my own struggles that i have failed to look up and see what's happening around me. I have valued my personal desires and hopes more than anything... But in doing so i only sunk into a deep depression, exasperated by my inability to attain my hopes and forlorn about the prospect of ever reaching my desires.
My struggles are important, but if they are taken out of context, that is if they are elevated in meaning over all other struggles and all other things, they become a destructive idol which consumes my soul.... but the truth is that I exist not simply for my own benefit, but also for the good of others. I exist as a part of a whole and part of my existence is to love others... Loving others involves thinking about the good of the other as equal with my good... It involves taking into concern and worrying about not only my problems but also the issues of others. But i have often failed to stop worrying about my own life and in doing so i have elevated my concerns above others... in short i have failed to love... but these last couple weeks i put my problems to the side and was enable to actually love others because i took on their issues. I took on their problems as having equal weight as my own and in doing so i have found meaning. The value of my life is no longer solely mine to define... it does not solely hinge on whether i meet my desire of having a boy friend or a lover... it is contingent upon my ability to care for others in an unconditional sort of way... It is only in giving that we receive and in loving that we find love... this is true because in reality we are part of a bigger picture, in reality we are meant to be part of a whole and we are most ourselves when we are loving others....

so yea i'm gonna make efforts to love people more... even my parents. part of that means to set aside the drama of my life and to take up their concerns. to see them as equals to myself.

- I am a Christian
No i'm not going to condemn anyone, and i still think that homosexuality is not a sin. but i have been doing a lot of thinking and have found God compelling both in theory and in reality... but compelling is not quite the right word... i have found that the words of God and what i know about him calling me to live a different life. Christianity has a certain pull or call on my life. I cannot deny the message of Jesus nor can I deny that all the world hinges upon his love and grace.
I don't intend on defending myself so if you hate me for being a Christian or you think i'm crazy or stupid or hateful, please rest assured i'm not... i'm not here to hate on anyone i'm just here being honest about what i believe.

that being said I think that the only hope in life is found in God... part of that hope is loving others as i discussed above... I'm not totally sure what it means to place hope in god... but i think part of it means that I find my value not in what i do or in what i can succeed in, or in what others tell me, but that i find my value in his love for me. An integral part of being a Christian is to accept God's gracious and uncoditional love and let that love transform one.

No i don't have God's love figured out, but i want to understand it more... i want to make positive steps in reclaiming the Christianity which i have walked away from.


ok so those are all my epiphanies...

on another note i'm living at home with my parents and things are going well....
my dad told me today that i could talk with him about anything and that he would love me and support me no matter what, even if we disagree... he said he has been reading and rethinking homosexuality... i think he is ready to recognize the legitimacy of my position even if he does not agree with it.... what more could i ask for.

so right now my goal in life is to love others and to accept God's grace. Which starts with loving my parents and brother and attempting to find contentment in my daily life.... we'll see where that leads

I gotta go to bed, but yea

keep it real

Jordan