From the Ground Up

hey there folks... Its been a while...
Not really sure if anyone is gonna read this but thought Id post again.

First off, I stopped blogging not because anything traumatic happened in my life... save for my computer breaking into two pieces.

Second off, my life has been really boring, so even when i did get a computer back (like two weeks ago) i actually had nothing to talk about... well mostly nothing

But yea I was pretty bored tonight and just felt like writting. I'm doing pretty well. just been working out and working a lot. I'm actually going back to school pretty soon here so I'm excited for that. Decided I'm gonna get a masters or Phd, so watch out world haha. Just finishing up some pre-reqs this summer and fall.

as for the whole coming out situation, really haven't told anyone lately, mostly b/c i havent felt the need to. One of my sisters is back in town now tho, so i think i'll tell her soon. I think i'm over the fear that if i come out everyone that I know is gonna get up and leave me, but I've been sort of lethargic about telling people b/c most of the time i just dont care to. still need to come out to aaron but cant think of how i should do it, and more importantly am having a hard time finding the time to. We both work a lot and our schedules conflict.

I'm still single fyi. Yes, I'd like to be with someone, but i really havent found any guys that im into who are also gay... Starting to loose hope that i ever will. Of course i might, but if i do its gonna be some matter of chance and will happen regardless of whether or not im looking. So i've been trying to put aside my romantic side for the time being.

there was this guy i made out with a while back, he was hot but not much else going on. apparently he's a slut too. it was fun making out with him but probably not something that will happen again.

I've also decided that the gay community really isnt for me. Gay guys gross me out... and they're not even attractive. gay bars are cesspools, and i hate the way everyone who attends them has critically low self esteem.
That and i just cant stand gay culture and manerisms.

so yea... my life is going.

I've been having a lot of regrets lately. Mostly dreaming about what my life would've been like if i went to a different school, or had come out to aaron when it seemed like he was most interested in me, or chosen the right things to study in school so i wouldnt have to go back, or been a little more forward and less ashamed about being gay, or worked harder last year and applied to grad school. I feel like I've messed up my life in some pretty big ways.
But it's not useful dwelling on my mistakes just to feel sorry for myself, I've got to pick myself up and learn from them. I've got a chance here to really rebuild my life.
Sure I've fucked up and things arent the way they should be, but that doesnt mean that i cant make something of my life yet. I spose that lately I've begun to hope again--i've begun to believe that even though it doesnt feel like my life has ammounted to anything that it isnt over and I can still do some good things.

So that's what im trying to do--to rebuild my life from the ground up the way that i feel it shouldve been.

alright long post
sleep well all, hope this finds you well