Done

C'est finis... as the French say.

I finished class yesterday and work today. It feels good. I worked hard this semester and learned a lot. I did pretty well academically too. It was fun, but I'm glad the coursework is over for the semester. I had this real bitch of a project I was working on the last three days. But it's done.

I worked the last two nights and this morning. So w/ school and everything I've had quite a few fourteen hour days as of late. Now I just get to rest and have Christmas. It feels good.

Alright gonna go work out. Haven't gotten to the last two days.

Btw still gonna make that good post, probs tonight or tomorrow.

Keep it real

The Future

So lately I've been filling in my picture of what my future will look like. Before this year my image of the future was blurry at best. I spent most of time in denial that I would ever have to grow up and find something to make a living at. I had all sorts of fantasies about running away to be a ski bum in the mountains, trying to become a fitness model, or going over seas to play international rugby.
But now that I'm studying math again it's like I've found my first love again. I find that the intellectual rigor of math engages me in the way no other subject really can. It feels good to continually be learning and to push myself to do so.

Ideally I'd be a math professor someday, preferably at a large research type institution. But sometimes I doubt myself. For some reason I don't have that much confidence in my abilities--which is stupid because I have no reason to think I'm not cut out for it. In fact some of my profs have said they think I have what it takes to be a successful math graduate student. But I worry sometimes that my lack of background in certain areas of mathematics will hold me back.

So I have this one prof that I have been getting to know. He's a really cool guy. Normal, not geeky, smart, explains abstract concepts in a way that a high schooler could understand, and above all he's not cocky, at all.
He showed us this mathematical card trick in class one day for fun and said if anyone could figure it out he'd treat them to lunch...
I figured it out in about ten minutes and like a week later someone else figured it out.
So I was reading up on him last night and figured out that he's actually a pretty big deal in math. He got his PhD in math from MIT and has served as the chief editor for a pretty big math journal and sits on a bunch of editorial boards. He also has some big title at my university. Sort of intimidating, but you wouldn't guess it at all from the way he acts.

Anyways.
If you haven't figured it out I'm not at the same school I used to be at. The University I'm going to now has some serious connections, its a top school in math, especially for certain subfields of it.
And for those of you interested the types of math I'm attracted to is mostly abstract stuff. I tried taking a math finance course this year but dropped after the second week b/c it was so boring (for me at least...no offense intended).

So yea I spend a good chunk of my day wondering if I can cut it in a very competitive field. I spose all I can really do is work hard, talk to my professors, keep doors open, and hope for the best.

I have a post coming soon which should be pretty good.

Jordan

Update

Hey, not sure if anyone actually will read this, or that they remember me...

Either way I've decided to write an update about my life.

The good news is that I am doing well, quite well. I am in school for mathematics right now and loving it. Sorta dorky of me I suppose, but I have always been attracted to math. I remember when I was like in 5th grade I started doing simple geometric proofs for fun. I figure that I'm lucky to find something like math intrinsically rewarding, so I might as well pursue it. I'm filling in some gaps in my undergrad math education (stuff that physics didn't cover), but am taking some grad classes at the same time. I'm not sure yet what I'm gonna do with it. part of me wants to get a PhD in Math, but if I don't I could always go work for an engineering firm, go into finance, or work for the gov't.

Don't worry though, I haven't turned into a nerd... I'm still the strapping young athletic man I've always been.
It's actually sort of amusing b/c in my math classes I feel quite out of place. Everyone is either from some part of Asia or India or they are exceptionally nerdy. I'm sure people overlook me in class because they think I'm some frat boy who has no place in math. Maybe I am haha.... not sure yet.

But yea its finals week, almost done. It's been a busy semester, but definitely worth it.

So i reread some of my prior posts, and some of my more recent ones were negative, to say the least. It's cool to see how much my attitude has changed. Yes I made some ill thought out decisions, yes coming out didn't go how I thought it would, however those are just minor set backs in life. I'm realizing that I'm still young enough to make what I want out of life. It's not too late for me. I'm doing well in my math classes and have impressed some of my professors. There is--I think and I hope--a place for me in this world.

As for the boy situation... no luck. Not sure when/if its ever going to happen. But I'm not sure it's worth worrying about things that I can't control. I'll just try and be a better person and hopefully someday something will work out.

Hope you're all doing well

From the Ground Up

hey there folks... Its been a while...
Not really sure if anyone is gonna read this but thought Id post again.

First off, I stopped blogging not because anything traumatic happened in my life... save for my computer breaking into two pieces.

Second off, my life has been really boring, so even when i did get a computer back (like two weeks ago) i actually had nothing to talk about... well mostly nothing

But yea I was pretty bored tonight and just felt like writting. I'm doing pretty well. just been working out and working a lot. I'm actually going back to school pretty soon here so I'm excited for that. Decided I'm gonna get a masters or Phd, so watch out world haha. Just finishing up some pre-reqs this summer and fall.

as for the whole coming out situation, really haven't told anyone lately, mostly b/c i havent felt the need to. One of my sisters is back in town now tho, so i think i'll tell her soon. I think i'm over the fear that if i come out everyone that I know is gonna get up and leave me, but I've been sort of lethargic about telling people b/c most of the time i just dont care to. still need to come out to aaron but cant think of how i should do it, and more importantly am having a hard time finding the time to. We both work a lot and our schedules conflict.

I'm still single fyi. Yes, I'd like to be with someone, but i really havent found any guys that im into who are also gay... Starting to loose hope that i ever will. Of course i might, but if i do its gonna be some matter of chance and will happen regardless of whether or not im looking. So i've been trying to put aside my romantic side for the time being.

there was this guy i made out with a while back, he was hot but not much else going on. apparently he's a slut too. it was fun making out with him but probably not something that will happen again.

I've also decided that the gay community really isnt for me. Gay guys gross me out... and they're not even attractive. gay bars are cesspools, and i hate the way everyone who attends them has critically low self esteem.
That and i just cant stand gay culture and manerisms.

so yea... my life is going.

I've been having a lot of regrets lately. Mostly dreaming about what my life would've been like if i went to a different school, or had come out to aaron when it seemed like he was most interested in me, or chosen the right things to study in school so i wouldnt have to go back, or been a little more forward and less ashamed about being gay, or worked harder last year and applied to grad school. I feel like I've messed up my life in some pretty big ways.
But it's not useful dwelling on my mistakes just to feel sorry for myself, I've got to pick myself up and learn from them. I've got a chance here to really rebuild my life.
Sure I've fucked up and things arent the way they should be, but that doesnt mean that i cant make something of my life yet. I spose that lately I've begun to hope again--i've begun to believe that even though it doesnt feel like my life has ammounted to anything that it isnt over and I can still do some good things.

So that's what im trying to do--to rebuild my life from the ground up the way that i feel it shouldve been.

alright long post
sleep well all, hope this finds you well

been grinding away

So yea, havent done a post in a while. I dont know what it is but sometimes i just have nothing to write.... or if i do i'm too exhausted to get it out.

I've been working like crazy last couple weeks... im so burnt out all the time. And on top of that ive been working out like mad. I'm up to 207 on a good day, so that's pretty awesome. Don't be jealous its all muscle lol.

So yea on that note... i've been approached to be a model on two seperate occasions by two separate people this weekend... its really weird. And its not the first time this has happened to me. Im not saying this to brag just thought id share it. If anything i have low self esteem with regards to my looks so I'm more surprised than I am bragging.

I was working at the restaurant this weekend when a lady approached me and said that I shouldn't be working my job and that i was too good for it and didnt belong there. So yea she has a friend who's a super model and she gave me her number. And then tonight i got approached by a guy who co-owns a modeling business when i was out at a bar...

yea... ne ways... its sorta weird and im not an exhibitionist or anything. But it's got me thinking that if I can actually make decent money doing modeling why shouldnt I? it'd beat the hell out of my jobs right now haha. And i love working out so If i could basically get paid to do that thatd be sweet. Its definitely not a long term fix or anything, just an option.

so enough about my modeling career and enough bragging...



all that stuff aside my life feels really boring and lonely lately. Living with the rents suuucccckkss. for no other reason than that Im alone all the time. Im not on the same sleep sched as my rents and its not like were like best buds so I dont really get companionship from them. My little bros cool and all but i barely see him. So when i wake up I'm alone, when i get back from work i talk to my rents a little and then they go to bed and then I'm alone... so I'm like always alone unless i intentionally seek friends out.

It was so much easier when i was at school playing rugby and was on campus. People were around me everywhere and friends were easy to visit. Now its redic hard to see people.

I also want a bf... I think thatd help a lot. I'm just sick of feeling a lone in this world. I can do it by myself, and have done so for a long time, but I'm tired of it. I want to have friends that live closer to me and also to have a bf i can cuddle with up at the end of the day.

alright im tired and need to drink water, I'll post later this week

sup all

not really sure what to write about, but thought id post ne ways.

just got off work, it was dec. going to my second job in an hour or so, just chilling right now.

I have a headache so that sucks.

so yea i saw the cute gym boy last night... damn hes so cute haha
he's like basically what i want. Muscular, fit, shorter than me, great personality, a bit shy, loyal type of person. Reminds me a bit of Aaron actually...
He's most likely str8 tho, so whatevs not much else to say about that.
not much has happened the last couple days, just been working.

I watched the state of the union last night and thought it was decent. I dont know if i've said it b4 here but im pretty liberal politically speaking, so yea i support Obama. I just wish he would step up a bit more, take charge and dish back to the republicans some heat. The dems are loosing elecetions right now not cuz of any thing they've done or screwed up on, but b/c the cons have used propaganda to make the dems looks stupid. Like seriously the only substantial peice of legislation that has been passed was the recovery act, and somehow the adminstration is being made out to be a dangerous socialistic take over of the economy.... hell the public option was taken out of the health bill, so thats not even close to socialism (and btw 55% of americans want a public option). Fox News, bill O'reilly, Rush Limbaugh and all those punks are singlehandedly crying and bitching loud enough and using fear and anger effectively in order to make people think obamas doing a bad job. But the only reason hes doing a bad job is that republicans refuse to work with him.

I hears on the news today that on next tues Robert Gates is going to hold a press conference on what steps this administration is going to take in order to reveal dont ask dont tell. Bout damn time haha. well at least hes being faithful on his promise. i actlly know some gay peeps in the military btws

I'm actually pretty optimistic about obamas administration. I think if he can implement some of the reforms he's talking about people will quickly see that all the fear mongering that fox news is doing is pure bullshit.

anyways.... if ur a republican plz dnt stop reading, i'll prbly never post about politics again.

jordy

not so bad, but still bored

so yea... despite my last post im not doing too bad... actually not sure if ne 1 read it besides cash, but thats cool.

Was watching football today and my dad and mom were like encouraging me about my future and were telling me that im young and can still make something of myself. They dont want to see me just float by working waiting jobs or what have you. So yea im probs going back to school, prbly for mathematics.... sounds lame, but im really good at it and i love it. Strangely enough mathematics has a cathartic effect on me.

So yea altho my life cud be better right now in multiples ways and if i could go back and do things differently Id be sitting sweet in life right now, its def not too late.

And really things arent that bad for me. I have two jobs when millions in america dont have any jobs. I will be making more money than my mom (whos a teacher and has her masters. I dont have too many student loans, and most importantly I'm healthy, intelligent, and have charisma. All i need to decide now is what i want to do with my life and what will make me happy in ten years. I have a job which can keep me stable while i try to figure out what i wanna do with my life, but i cant just sit on these jobs, i have to decide.

My life is basically whatever i make of it at this point. The problem is I'm not sure what i want. I'd like to make decent money and have good benefits. I feel i have money i cud have kids and support a fam and shit so thatd be good. But id also like to do meaningful work. Id like to go home at the end of the day knowing that i did something positive... even if its something small... Spose i dont wanna end up on wall street writting derrivatives and making profits off of others losses, but i dont exactly want to be working for non-profits. there's got to be a happy medium right?

As far as rugby goes... i'm 205 right now working up to 210. If i can get to 210 or 215 im the size of a lot of pro rugby players who play my position... think i might do semi pro stuff, not sure yet. Id like to have a reason to work out tho and rugby is a blast. Ive gotten stronger too so id love to get on the field again and plow kids over haha
oh and speaking of rugby, just to prove to y'all that rugby players are the hottest


theres that pic

umm yea...
other than that theres cute gym boy. hes straight but ive been fantasizing that perhaps hes gay. maybe he is idk... he shows interest in me and has some gay traights. Either way im bummed cuz i didnt see him at the gym last couple days. he was busy w/ school, but still. My gym is like an old persons gym and i dont like it. I have a feeling im getting oogled by old men and its weird... So cute gym boy is my only relief from overweight people... hes the only eye candy. I decided id like to be his friend regardless of if hes gay or not. i figure i'll ask for his number. I dont think he knows many people in the area and i am away from uni friends so we cud chill and shit. If we do tho i plan on coming out to him and being like, i know ur straight i just wanna let u know if were gonna be friends...
im sick of lying and itd be nice to have a straight guy friend who im upfront with about my sexuality... i spose i have a couple already but none of them are hot athletic types haha

so yea.... other than that im bored. i just dont see enough people in my life. Im sick of living at home and sick of going to bed alone and waking up alone and doing everything alone. itd be nice just to have friends aroudn again. I'm a very social person and get grumpy when i get pent up here. so yea i need to get out more. this weekend was fun tho, and i might have met a dateable guy, which wud be sweet. we'll see tho


alright holy shit another redic long post

peace out
jordy